Is this a toxic work situation?

[Lorettda]

I work in an insurance company where its quite client-focused and intense sometimes. My boss can be the loveliest boss ever to those who are loyal and hardworking. She buys thank you gifts, heaps praise, shows concern and really looks out for team members etc etc

However, it's a two sided coin and those who ever get on the wrong side of her or fall short of her high standards, know about it. Several people have been fired on her watch due to perceived incompetence or bad attitude (HR rep in tow so presumably done in line with law). By all accounts the people in question weren't great performers so it was justified but there always seems to be a build up then a showdown at the end followed by scathing glassdoor reviews from people who felt treated unfairly.

I'd always admired her no nonsense approach. We entered company at a similar time 10 years ago and while she rose and rose to the top, I had a more modest rise but still been doing well. She made me privy to some of the goings on and once told me she could 'finish' someone who'd dared to complain about her methods (she meant fire, not kill obviously). She now has a lot of hire and fire power.

Recently had some personal difficulties going on in the background and she's been sympathetic but after a few recent misunderstandings during remote working she unexpectedly proceeded to question my entire commitment to the company. It felt heavy handed and obviously over the years I've seen her do this before with others she's deemed not good enough and I'm shitting myself.

Her tone also becomes 'off' on Teams (were remote four days a week) and messages that are usually peppered with niceties become curt and short.

I'm worried I've somehow made it onto her blacklist. Have been wracking my brains for anything I've done that might be perceived in bad light and thinking of ways to demonstrate more 'loyalty', working several hours this weekend to get ahead.

I haven't done anything terrible that I can think of but I'm probably not quite meeting the very high standards right now perhaps. Although all work is getting done, no complaints, I just can't go super above and beyond in the way I could in past due to current personal circumstances (won't elaborate- too outing)

The whole thing feels like I'm in an abusive relationship sometimes tbh, feeling of dread, treading on eggshells, wondering if I said/ did wrong thing but then if she's her nice self again, it all melts away. Until it starts again. Then this ridiculous sense of needing to prove my worth/ loyalty to the company to win her over again and be thrown some praise.

I've also noticed a couple of other team members who seem to almost fawn over her.

Is this toxic?

Before anyone suggest HR, they're in cahoots with her and probs also fear her so that's pointless. It's either keep things sweet with her or leave. I'm looking into other opportunities in case but not so easy to just leave for various reasons.

She sounds utterly vile and her MO is concerning.

Heaping praise and gifts on certain people - while behaving vindictively and coldly to others - isn't good leadership and it isn't kindness. It's manipulation. It's a strategy to get what she wants. It's a means of building alliances to draw others into her bullying behaviour and of creating an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty. It has real parallels with the kind of behaviour abusive people employ in relationship situations.

I would seriously be looking at an exit strategy because with someone like this in such a position of power, it was always likely to be a matter of when rather than if you make her "blacklist". Please don't make yourself ill, pouring all your energy into the company, in a desperate attempt to appease her. Just get out.

Absolutely agree with this view. Sounds like someone managing under performance to me - OP does say in her OP that there was a degree of poor performance around some leavers.

Of course, if she’s inconsistent about the standards she expects and only ‘turns on’ certain people and not others doing the same, that’s different.

Can't go to hr then use your union for support

This. Don't be surprised when the bullies you've sided with eventually turn on you.

Yep, had one like this, lasted nine months before she broke me. Managed to move location but not without a fight. The only consolation was I was far from the first or last she'd treated similarly. I'm convinced she's got something on someone high up because there's no way she should be getting away with the way she behaves.

Seriously, look for another job. Don't waste any more time.

This sounds unbearable and so toxic. If HR are supporting her then I would question the company's culture. I also work in insurance and can say that there's so many companies out there, lots offering remote work. After 10 years you are perhaps due a change? Start looking elsewhere, if you don't feel confident enough yet you could ask to do your CII cert/ DIP if you haven't already. I know it can be scary especially if you have other things going on but starting a new job could prove to be a lot better than staying in a toxic one x

She can have all the power in the world but there are policies she must follow before "sacking" someone. She can't just fire people as she pleases. She would be wide open for unfair dismissal claims. Especially with your 10 year employment!

Speak with ACAS they will explain to you your rights and offer advice. Don't let her bully you out of your job! Keep a record of all interactions and try and gather some sort of paper trail. If she says something off, email her later and say your unsure about the advice or instruction etc.

Try and not worry she can't just sack you without clear reasoning laid out in the law. Check your own policies and make sure they are being followed! I would also raise this as a grievance if you feel your being treated poorly, penalised without reason or bullied. Hr have to answer the grievance and they should be following the law! Again ACAS will advise.

Please update when there's more to talk about.

Does she always older members of staff? I ask because perhaps she is applying an unwritten corporate rule to remove the older ones to make way for the new? Hence why she has HR support (lower salary, less benefits).

Sounds like someone I was once married to. Sounds menopausal, and a power hungry freak. If you really want to stay working there, I'd pull her up on it, Sounds like you once had a good relationship with her, I'd ask her if we could have a chat, and be blunt with her, ask her if you're in the firing line, ask her outright if she feels you've stepped over the line.
Personally, I'd be looking for another job,

I would also look at HR whistleblowing. My friend is an HR director. Without her sharing any names or exact details, they had to sack an executive after 17 (!) reports of him bullying. I don't know the timeline. He was baffled apparently. And cried. We were talking about it in terms of toxic traits and how personalities rise to the challenge of Getting The Job Done. ( I speak at events about work culture)

This manager is the definition of a toxic manager. Yes a managers job is to deal with employees that are falling short, not to have them dangle on a wire in fear for their livlihood until she drops the hammer. Nor is it their job to buy gifts and inundate firm favourites with favours. Their job is to manage, this woman is ruling. If she has an issue with OPs work, it's her job to address it and work out a solution.

Also, don't criticise OP for working from home or how many days a week they work. You have no idea of the work dynamic or even the job. Also mistakes happen, to the best of workers, and was rectified, not a reason to be treated poorly. Telling people that they need to be going above and beyond for their place of work is already toxic. No one owes their jobs more than their allotted hours.

Been there. Not fun, not easy....

1. Don't give her any reason to criticise! Sounds like if you hand her a gun, she'll use it. Doesn't make her a bad manager. But if you don't, will she go look for one? If she does, there's no way out.

2. Cover your a**: Make sure there's a record of all your good performance, any recognition from her or others. Also that you keep a record of any and all criticism from her, and the story behind it.

3. Find another job.

There are employment laws you can't just sack people...disgusting woman!

She is a bully. Can't you see how 'mean girls' her behaviour is? It's definitely a toxic situation. Unfortunately, now she's cooled toward you, and you know what she's capable of, so you'll never trust her again. Either you stay, walking on eggshells, constantly worrying, desperate to please her, or you leave and be free of the toxicity.

Her success is based on ruthlessness and fear. She is not a good boss, and she's not as good at her job as she thinks she is. If she were, everyone would work well, and there would be no need to fire or force several people to leave.

Sadly people like this manager are often successful in business because they are manipulative and almost sociopathic when it comes to using others ruthlessly to advance their ambition.

Cleaving employees into followers and outcasts is the oldest most Machiavellian management tactic for these people.

When you're on the inside, it's a warm and cosy place of protection and promise of promotion. However, the rule of membership is total obedience, compliance and the never ending need to pay tribute to the prince/princess (meaning the employees must gift all credit for all work done, and must never make anything the manager deems a mistake, meaning never to do anything that threatens them in any way whatsoever).

The prince/princess in this situation inevitably develops mercurial tendencies though, because fear of expulsion from the court on their whim becomes the principal motivation of the managed to keep going and submit.

This system of control (which is coercive) requires semi-regular expulsions of the
managed to maintain fear of the prince/princess within the ranks, and as a demonstration of power, which occurs when the prince/princess tires of a subordinate, or considers that person to have outstayed their usefulness.

There is no interest in developing people in this authoritarian style of management, and no second chances, so the subordinate is "managed out", as the saying goes, (with support from willing HR people who are themselves often beguile d by being close to people in an organisation that they perceive as powerful). The person affected is then treated harshly for the manager's defects.

If I were you, I'd be looking elsewhere for a new job. Your boss is a narcissist and probable sociopath.

She sounds a massive saddo to be honest. What sort of loser cares that much about their company? Move on. View her with the contempt she deserves

Would just have yo ask outright what is going on. If you feel she is being unfair then go to a tribunal.

Been there, had that boss, left when it became obvious it was my turn for the unwarranted harrassment, look for another job and leave her to find another whipping girl. If you keep a log of problems you may have a case for constructive dismissal

It's toxic.

This is awful, toxic , not uncommon. Just get out. Honestly.

Your boss can never be your friend due to situations like this.

It looks like you watched in awe and now the spotlight has shone in your direction you do not like it.

She is power hungry in a powerful standing.

You are right to be worried , it is called karma but make sure you put in a huge complaint on your way out of the door.

Sorry to be blunt, you were at the top and now you are rock bottom and you don't like it , but didn't mind others enduring the same stance from her.
Learn from this in your next role.

I think I disagree with most people on this thread. This boss has been promoted through the ranks for having high standards and expecting similar from the team.
She is nice to good performers and not so nice to poor performers. Who wants to lead a team of people not committed to the role?
On DISC personality types she is a D (red) and may prefer some straight talking. Directly ask her what is wrong and correct her if she has been misinformed.
Show your value by delivering high performance.

I am wondering how you can be "disloyal"?

Sounds like a form of coercive control to me; I would be looking for a new post ASAP

Because dictators love being challenged by underlings to explain themselves. What could possibly go wrong 😂