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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s selfish for parents to retire early when their kids are renting?

588 replies

Lesbeavinu · 02/06/2024 22:45

Dh has decided he is going to retire at 59. He has a great government pension and private pension/savings. He earns a decent £50k a year (same as me) and we have no mortgage.

I said that dh should continue working for another year or 18 months and gift the money to dd for a flat deposit.

OP posts:
rainingsnoring · 03/06/2024 19:46

'Good grief. What made you so angry in life and why does everything have to reflect you and your life experience. It's not all about you. And not all people who had more than you are spoilt.

You might want to look at trying to remove that huge boulder from your shoulder'

Exactly. Several posters have cheered this poster on too. Very odd!

eveningqueen456 · 03/06/2024 19:53

My DH wants to retire at 55. But we have 2 kids to get through uni. He didn't go to uni and sees no point in them going either - he has a manual job that he has done since he left school. He does not spend any money on anything - however I enjoy going out and doing things so I will not be able to retire or wouldn't want to as I want to be able to afford holidays and days out etc.

I will have to get a second job to get 2 kids through uni if he retires at 55. He is very content at just plodding along through life - because he likes the simple life he has never needed a high paid job and thinks the children should be the same.

Feelingstrange2 · 03/06/2024 19:58

Errr, no.

Ive semi retired.

My DS 26 is renting but saving to buy - its taking him longer as he is on his own, and in a higher than average house price area. My DD 28 has just bought with her partner - slightly easier for them as there is two incomes and they live in the north where prices are more affordable.

I never even linked my semi retirement to them!

Dfggtdfg · 03/06/2024 19:58

No. My father died aged 58, in the evening after a full day at work. Unexpectedly, no previous illness. I got a small inheritance but I’d rather he had been able to retire a few years earlier and have a relaxing few years after working all his adult life.
i have friends who have retired early and bloody good luck to them. You never know when your time will come!

chillicalypso · 03/06/2024 20:00

How about the kids work hard and earn their deposit. Working in healthcare I’ve seen too many people usually men drop dead as soon as they retire, let him decide.

Josette77 · 03/06/2024 20:03

eveningqueen456 · 03/06/2024 19:53

My DH wants to retire at 55. But we have 2 kids to get through uni. He didn't go to uni and sees no point in them going either - he has a manual job that he has done since he left school. He does not spend any money on anything - however I enjoy going out and doing things so I will not be able to retire or wouldn't want to as I want to be able to afford holidays and days out etc.

I will have to get a second job to get 2 kids through uni if he retires at 55. He is very content at just plodding along through life - because he likes the simple life he has never needed a high paid job and thinks the children should be the same.

You do not need to take a second job for your kids.

Your kids can work their way through University. Most of us did.

eveningqueen456 · 03/06/2024 20:15

But if DH could work till 60 it would make it so much easier. But he is adamant he wants to retire..... he feels like he has done his bit now and if they want to go to uni they fund it themselves which I do think is a bit selfish as I would like to help them out and make the financial burden on them less.

ChampagneLassie · 03/06/2024 20:44

It’s a fair idea but I don’t think he’s being unreasonable if he doesn’t want to. What was his reaction? What if he died whilst still working would you regret it.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/06/2024 20:45

eveningqueen456 · 03/06/2024 20:15

But if DH could work till 60 it would make it so much easier. But he is adamant he wants to retire..... he feels like he has done his bit now and if they want to go to uni they fund it themselves which I do think is a bit selfish as I would like to help them out and make the financial burden on them less.

But why shouldn't they fund it themselves? The vast majority of people do.

If either of my parents worked themselves into the ground so I had less student loans or didn't have to work part time (which, by the way, gave me some amazing transferrable skills and wonderful experiences) around uni, I'd be mortified.

I watched my dad do a pretty manual job and by 55 he was exhausted. He'd not be half as active and involved in DDs life as he is now if he hadn't retired early. And I wouldn't have wanted to take the financial support knowing it came with my dad being exhausted and struggling physically to carry on working.

I watched my DH getting knackered by doing a very similar manual job, and supported him to get off the tools so that by 55 he wouldn't be as exhausted as my dad was. Because we won't have the option of him retiring early with all the costs now.

Don't force him to work himself to death so your children don't have to work around studying. Don't do it to yourself either.

Testina · 03/06/2024 20:51

eveningqueen456 · 03/06/2024 20:15

But if DH could work till 60 it would make it so much easier. But he is adamant he wants to retire..... he feels like he has done his bit now and if they want to go to uni they fund it themselves which I do think is a bit selfish as I would like to help them out and make the financial burden on them less.

@eveningqueen456

Have you taken the same low paid path?

He’s happy and can afford to retire at 55?!
I know there are some limited professions where you can get full pension so young - like the police - but you don’t make it sound he did that kind of role. To a certain extent I’d say happy + retiring so young means he’s made good choices. Although it personally to me sounds a dull life.

Are you having to support his early retirement plans financially?

Your kids will be fine though - they’ll make a sending decision on cost/benefit of uni, and then they can choose a local place and live at home - and/or work.

pinkyredrose · 03/06/2024 21:04

Caththegreat · 03/06/2024 19:26

Please.many jobs will be done by AI.which is why we need a basic income.look at the writing on the wall.educate yourselves

What?

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/06/2024 21:05

pikkumyy77 · 03/06/2024 17:04

Well I don’t think its too indulgent to work hard to set your children up in life. Most immigrant families don’t imagine that their duty to elders or juniors stop when they have a pension and can retire. There’s an assumption of safety and security to someone who choses to stop earning early (from a non dangerous, non physical) job that I don’t share. tThe younger generation will not have the same ability to gain security in work or housing that we did.

I’m 63 and quite well off—my DH just retired in fact—but I have started my own business and will keep working as long as I can. I might need the money or my children might need the money.

@pikkumyy77

dont work for too long!! Leave yourself some time to enjoy yourself! I’m sure your kids have their own jobs and will be just fine, it’s ok to strive a bit!

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 21:07

The DH in this case works from home! He’s not doing a manual job.

There is a huge amount of denial about who pays for what after people retire. The older people have to rely on younger people’s tax. Old people are living longer. The social contract is going to be a big problem. 35 years as a tax payer based on earnings isn’t much out of a possible 90 years of age. Why should younger people who have much higher outgoings, expensive mortgsges and child care costs pay for more and more and more when older people give up earlier and earlier? I’m old but I think we have millions who could make a bigger contribution but it’s all me, me, me. If people haven’t had dc, I’m not really sure they should expect anything.

if the ranting poster had been clear about taking care of their own old age, I would not have assumed anything about ending life. However it’s virtually impossible to get really old and not go near health, welfare, care or other services if you don’t have dc. Even if you pay for all services, there still needs to be someone to do the jobs! Hopefully not my DC.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/06/2024 21:10

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 21:07

The DH in this case works from home! He’s not doing a manual job.

There is a huge amount of denial about who pays for what after people retire. The older people have to rely on younger people’s tax. Old people are living longer. The social contract is going to be a big problem. 35 years as a tax payer based on earnings isn’t much out of a possible 90 years of age. Why should younger people who have much higher outgoings, expensive mortgsges and child care costs pay for more and more and more when older people give up earlier and earlier? I’m old but I think we have millions who could make a bigger contribution but it’s all me, me, me. If people haven’t had dc, I’m not really sure they should expect anything.

if the ranting poster had been clear about taking care of their own old age, I would not have assumed anything about ending life. However it’s virtually impossible to get really old and not go near health, welfare, care or other services if you don’t have dc. Even if you pay for all services, there still needs to be someone to do the jobs! Hopefully not my DC.

Who paid for your pregnancy care? Who paid for the stat mat leave? Who pays for your children's healthcare, education, etc?

All working people pay tax for a reason. If someone has worked all their life and paid their tax then why shouldn't they benefit from that?

Also, no one who retires early does so on a state pension. They've funded that themselves. So any care funds they get from the government is only going to be the same as those who retired later.

pinkyredrose · 03/06/2024 21:10

Even if you pay for all services, there still needs to be someone to do the jobs! Hopefully not my DC.

Why hopefully not your DC?

cestlavielife · 03/06/2024 21:18

What difference does one more year make? Are you suggesting all his earnings go to dc?

WearyAuldWumman · 03/06/2024 21:24

daliesque · 03/06/2024 18:10

👏👏👏👏
From me too. A fellow gen X working class girl who had fuck all.

I'm a Boomer, but I can relate. There's this myth that we were all well off. They forget about those from working class backgrounds.

I'll not explain it all - you have to have lived it to understand.

I remember a younger member of staff reacting when he heard me telling a colleague the same age as me that I'd finally paid off my house (after 27 yrs). He seemed quite annoyed: "You're lucky - I wish I'd paid off my mortgage."

We had the same wage, though he'd reached that payscale at a younger age than I. He didn't seem to take into consideration that I'd taken all that time to pay off my house or that I'd bought a 2 bed house in a "poorer" area. Had kept the 1970s carpets etc that were there when I'd moved in. Had 2nd hand furniture.

He had bought a 5 bedroom house in a "nice" area. He didn't have 4 children, but - like many of my younger colleagues - he wanted his "dream house" straight away.

Maybe it's a different outlook? I had a younger relative through marriage who was forever complaining about being hard up.

He had been paying his mortgage for years, but hadn't paid off the house because he chose to take an interest only mortgage. He bought in a very expensive area: the house came with its own stables.

I think he was relying on an increase in value that would allow him to buy a bungalow later on, but I fear he's going to be disappointed. He and his partner work from home and have a good wage, but they have long been subsidised by elderly relatives. They never seem to pay anything off - they use one of those lease schemes for their vehicles: top-end only.

They had an expectation of inheriting family homes. His partner is currently renting out her parents' former home. He might get a shock if his surviving parent needs care and her house has to be sold.

betterangels · 03/06/2024 21:28

chillicalypso · 03/06/2024 20:00

How about the kids work hard and earn their deposit. Working in healthcare I’ve seen too many people usually men drop dead as soon as they retire, let him decide.

Exactly. It's his life.

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 21:33

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos It’s not that they didn’t pay it’s that they don’t understand the over 60s cost a lot more for much much longer. 30 years of not earning. I’m afraid we have a declining workforce and a declining birth rate. What happened for me is not the same as now! There are fewer actively working. Not sure why people haven’t read up about this. Fewer people paying tax and more services to spend it on as people are living longer. It’s hardly rocket science is it? We need people working and much greater productivity.

It is a huge issue that when people retire early and go from £50k to £25k the tax take reduces. It puts more burden on younger people and we do know the difficulties they have right now. It looks more and more that the ones with everything already just take even more from people who really could do with lower taxes. Plus huge numbers of people don’t get the sums right and cannot afford early retirement. They just like the idea of it and then cannot make ends meet.

Why hopefully not my dc? I haven’t encouraged them to do caring work and that’s not their careers. It doesn’t seem to be high on the list of career goals for many others either as we import many care workers due to shortages. Mine pay high taxes to benefit others but other seem to take the piss and when will my dc get to retire? Not at age 59 I think.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/06/2024 21:56

Hmm, it is pretty young to retire but I'm not sure I would link it directly to providing for your grown up kids. Personally I would want to be able to support my kids and be generous while they are adults, so help out with deposits etc, so if I felt OK to carry on working at that age, I would. He obviously doesn't feel the same though and I don't think you can say he's wrong.

greedisunappealing · 03/06/2024 21:56

LittleGlowingOblong · 03/06/2024 13:53

It's also a pretty safe bet that a daughter who's willing to steal a year or more of her father's life to make hers easier will not be doing any caregiving later in life.

But @greedisunappealing nowhere is it suggested that the OP’s DC is asking her DF to do that - it’s the OP’s suggestion alone! Who has a better grip on economic realities and a very normal wish to improve her offspring’s security and social standing.

Actually, at least two posters did make that claim and I was responding to that. Try to keep up.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/06/2024 22:07

needsomewarmsunshine · 03/06/2024 18:44

A lot of posters on here need to fuck right off with their fucking entitled boomer ideas. There are plenty of us who have had jack shit in the way of help.
I don't have the means to help my dc even though I'm mortgage free in a small two bed bungalow. Perhaps some people on here think dh and I should sell up and live in a fucking tent so we can give the dc a few grand.

Late end Boomer here.

Are you referring to those who agree with the OP? If she and her husband are not yet 59, they're not Boomers.

I don't think that people should keep working to pay for their children's homes. I can't really think of anyone of my age who could afford to do that.

I do know people my age and older who have helped out their children when they really couldn't afford it. It was the children who were entitled, not the parents. (Yes...the parents raised them, so...)

I've said elsewhere on here: I don't agree that people should keep working. Too many people only have a couple of good years after retirement.

My mum and dad looked after me as a child and helped me while I was a student. I'll be forever grateful to them and I tried to pay them back. I hope that I wasn't entitled.

I don't recognise the picture of Boomers that I see painted in the media. We didn't all have it easy. Maybe those from middle class families, but those of us from a working class background didn't have it all.

measureofmydreams · 03/06/2024 22:21

My ex husband (who I got on v well with) retired at 61. He had many plans to enjoy retirement. 6 weeks later he died suddenly of a heart attack, he hadn't drawn a single pension payment. I cannot tell you the devastating effect on our three adult children, all of whom had bought or were in the process of buying their own homes through their own efforts.
What I am saying is that from my limited experience if he wants to retire he should.

Sallyh87 · 03/06/2024 22:27

Agreed, parents only exist to support their children. He should work to fund their property but then retire to care for their children.

Catch yourself on.

Pussycat22 · 03/06/2024 22:31

She ain't answering the door you work question is she!!!!

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