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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s selfish for parents to retire early when their kids are renting?

588 replies

Lesbeavinu · 02/06/2024 22:45

Dh has decided he is going to retire at 59. He has a great government pension and private pension/savings. He earns a decent £50k a year (same as me) and we have no mortgage.

I said that dh should continue working for another year or 18 months and gift the money to dd for a flat deposit.

OP posts:
fungipie · 03/06/2024 18:50

Menomeno · 02/06/2024 22:47

Do you still work?

Indeed, why don't you work to give the money?

Maybe selfish, but entirely his choice.

ACynicalDad · 03/06/2024 18:57

Would be nice if he did.

verdibird · 03/06/2024 19:02

cardibach · 03/06/2024 18:33

I’m completely confused by the ‘he’ll be bored/go stir crazy’ people. I more or less retired at 59 (do the odd day of agency work in my profession) and I’m never bored. I have loads of things to do. Do people have no imagination and no identity outside work? That’s sad.

I don’t get this either. I retired at 57 and between gardening, some voluntary activities, reading, playing piano, drawing/painting, holidays with DH, seeing friends, gardening, I am well contented. Frankly, I think if you can afford it, retire as soon as you can. Lots to do out there rather than sitting in an office in front of a screen.

Josette77 · 03/06/2024 19:03

Op has yet to return or even answer if she works.

It appears it's only her dh who needs to keep working his " low stress job".

Apollo365 · 03/06/2024 19:06

YABU

CustardySergeant · 03/06/2024 19:07

Josette77 · 03/06/2024 19:03

Op has yet to return or even answer if she works.

It appears it's only her dh who needs to keep working his " low stress job".

She said she works - and how much she earns - in the very first paragraph of the OP!

susiedaisy1912 · 03/06/2024 19:10

Josette77 · 03/06/2024 19:03

Op has yet to return or even answer if she works.

It appears it's only her dh who needs to keep working his " low stress job".

She said she earnt 50k a year the same as her husband in her opening post.

daliesque · 03/06/2024 19:12

pinkyredrose · 03/06/2024 18:35

To the ranting poster - you need the taxes my Dc will be paying (and one of my DDs pays a lot) to pay for your pension, health, and many other services because, I can assure you, when you are old you won’t be paying enough tax for all you take out. Here, care home costs are £5,500 a month. So hopefully you have saved up. Or are you expecting others to pay for all your care too? Of course you can hope you get the right to die, but you might not.

Bloody hell. 'Hope you get the right to die'? Wtf?! You obviously have an axe to grind (about your high earning daughter's tax payments).

Just the usual bullshit that we hear all the time from some parents. I don't know about the situation of the poster concerned, but when ever I get a comment about children's taxes being used to support my retirement I point out the following...

I have been working for over 30 years already and a lot of that time as a higher rate taxpayer.

We, current taxpayers and current retired people have paid for your pregnancy care, child's birth, child's health care, child benefit, child tax credits, child's education etc etc.

Do we begrudge it? No, it's how society functions. We don't want gratitude, we do it willingly as a healthy and educated society is a good thing.

Josette77 · 03/06/2024 19:17

susiedaisy1912 · 03/06/2024 19:10

She said she earnt 50k a year the same as her husband in her opening post.

Thanks I missed that! Oy vey.

In that case she can work an extra year and save up for thier child.

sabbii · 03/06/2024 19:21

Nobody should be reliant on handouts but anything gifted is always gladly accepted. I have led my life on the former and will probably never get the latter but have no qualms as I have never factored that in.
That said the young folk may never get on the property ladder without assistance.
Personally I would work a cushy job for as long as I could

pinkyredrose · 03/06/2024 19:22

daliesque · 03/06/2024 19:12

Just the usual bullshit that we hear all the time from some parents. I don't know about the situation of the poster concerned, but when ever I get a comment about children's taxes being used to support my retirement I point out the following...

I have been working for over 30 years already and a lot of that time as a higher rate taxpayer.

We, current taxpayers and current retired people have paid for your pregnancy care, child's birth, child's health care, child benefit, child tax credits, child's education etc etc.

Do we begrudge it? No, it's how society functions. We don't want gratitude, we do it willingly as a healthy and educated society is a good thing.

Exactly.

rainingsnoring · 03/06/2024 19:22

thesurrealist · 03/06/2024 17:02

I'm going to apologise in advance for the rant that is coming.
When I read threads like this I am very glad of two things: 1. that my parents never had a pot to piss in and so never felt the pressure to give my sibling and I any hand outs. They didn't even have their own home because they never earned enough money between them to buy one. 2. I don't have kids.

I graduated in 1992. It wasn't a barrel of laughs and many people from my year, including me, ended up without a "graduate" job t go to. This was not through lack of trying, but there was nothing out there. The country had a few financial problems, let's say. There had been rioting in the streets a few years before, Thatcher decimating whole communities, mass unemployment during my childhood and a feeling among many of us working class kids that there was little hope of us having a lifestyle that we aspired to, you know: own home, good job, nice car, holidays.

We took shit, low paid jobs and by God they were low paid in the days before NMW. I couldn't afford to even rent a room in a shitty, mould-covered shared house which had no functional bathroom or kitchen. I ended up living with my parents and commuting to said low paid job by bike - it was 10 miles away. I became mega fit, so that's one advantage I guess. I had no savings. No handouts. No proper job until 1994 when I started temping. Only then I was able to afford the shitty room in the shared house, but then couldn't afford to eat properly and definitely no social life. Only in 1997 did I manage to escape the shit life - I was late 20's by then - with a place on a graduate programme. I could then afford to rent a slightly less grotty room in a shared house (this wasn't London and was actually a cheap area) and even managed to eat most days - though still had no social life, couldn't afford driving lessons so that cut down on job opportunities and definitely no hope of saving.

It wasn't until 2000 when I moved in with my then boyfriend, who became my husband (now ex) that being able to share the rent meant we could get a whole flat of our own. It was one bed, ancient kitchen and a broken bath, so we had to exist on sink washes to avoid flooding the flat below. We lived there for 3 years until we could afford a slightly better flat and then managed to buy a tiny, one bed starter home by taking out a scary number of credit cards and maxing them all out, plus a bank loan, to raise the deposit.

We were both, by then, in fairly good jobs and had progressed. We were still paying off the cards and the loan when we divorced in 2010.

For some of us there has never been a time when we could afford a deposit on a house in our 20's. Or 30s or, in the case of my parents. Ever.

For some of us the housing market has always been something out of reach and beyond our dreams.

I for one am sick to death of being expected to feel guilty for being born when I was. We struggled too. We had a cost of living crisis and we couldn't afford houses or a good life. Something that I think the parents of these spoilt children may have forgotten - or maybe didn't have to think about because they were the ones who had everything that people like me didn't.

Childfree people like me often get told that we are going to be dependent on your offspring to wipe our arses when we're old. I say to you now, I don't want your children anywhere near me because you have raised a generation of selfish, entitled drama queens and when I can no longer wipe my own arse, I'll see myself out of this life. Oh I don't blame the kids, btw. I blame you. Parents of my generation. What the fuck were you thinking.

What a bizarre rant. Why on earth do some people take everything so personally?!
I didn't get any deposit from my parents either. Big deal. Fortunately, as anyone who can understand basic maths can see, houses were more affordable for GenX, especially older Gen X and far more so for Boomers/ younger silent generation than they are now.

I think you might struggle a bit in older age without younger tax payers, doctors, nurses, maintenance workers, shop assistants, deliver drivers, etc. Unless you are planning to take off to a private island with no contact with the outside world and literally provide for all your basic needs yourself.

drainthebath · 03/06/2024 19:22

RoseBucket · 02/06/2024 22:49

Do you work?

Read the OP

drainthebath · 03/06/2024 19:22

Rubbishconfession · 02/06/2024 22:51

YABU. Get your own job and pension.

Or you could read the OP and then you would know she does work

Caththegreat · 03/06/2024 19:22

Bit ageist.and making a lot of assumptions.

Caththegreat · 03/06/2024 19:24

Yes they shpuld.basic income

rainingsnoring · 03/06/2024 19:24

mumpenalty · 03/06/2024 17:09

I don’t think this is about child centred society or a lack of hard graft. The problem is that hard graft now gets a person a hell of a lot less than it used to. My parents managed to buy a house on one average wage aged 23. The same house sold for £775k last year. Find me someone who left school at 16, works in an admin job who can afford that a few years work without a leg up from the generation who amassed property wealth. It simply isn’t possible now.

Exactly. My grandparents old council house is probably now worth in excess of 800k because it's in the SE.

Caththegreat · 03/06/2024 19:26

Please.many jobs will be done by AI.which is why we need a basic income.look at the writing on the wall.educate yourselves

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/06/2024 19:27

daliesque · 03/06/2024 19:12

Just the usual bullshit that we hear all the time from some parents. I don't know about the situation of the poster concerned, but when ever I get a comment about children's taxes being used to support my retirement I point out the following...

I have been working for over 30 years already and a lot of that time as a higher rate taxpayer.

We, current taxpayers and current retired people have paid for your pregnancy care, child's birth, child's health care, child benefit, child tax credits, child's education etc etc.

Do we begrudge it? No, it's how society functions. We don't want gratitude, we do it willingly as a healthy and educated society is a good thing.

Well said.

People who like to talk about their children's taxes funding later life care forget that the older generations taxes funded their children's start in life.

A much better argument is that the older generations are going to need the younger generation to physically support them in later life. Be that as carers, doctors, nurses, dentists, chefs in restaurants, shop staff, delivery drivers, posties etc. You know, general society....

bagginsatbagend · 03/06/2024 19:27

My grandad retired early at 55, my nan didn’t want him to she thought he would get under her feet. He died age 56 from a blood clot he didn’t know he had, she’s so grateful to that year they had together & wishes he’d still be around to get under her feet. If it’s important to you to get the money together for a deposit are you working to fund this? It needs to be his choice, not something you want him to do. We’re not guaranteed a long retirement

TeenLifeMum · 03/06/2024 19:29

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/06/2024 16:22

@TeenLifeMum · Yesterday 22:50

59 is very young. I’d just be worried dh would be bored and get depressed.

Just PMSL at this! 😆 59 is 'very young???' Do behave yourself. It's NOT young, and it is certainly not too young to retire. (And I say this as someone 'around that age.')

I think you need to expand your mind a bit more, and definitely get out more if you believe that you would get 'bored and depressed' retiring at 59/60! That's the dream for many! I work part time - 2 days a week, and am never EVER bored. NEVER. I plan to retire at 63 (Less than 5 years to go,) and so does DH (we are the same age,) and like fuck will we 'get bored!'

@Lesbeavinu In answer to your query/quandary, NO! 59 is not too young to retire FGS. You'd have to have rocks in your head to keep working so you can support your adult children, LOL! give over! Grin

Fortunately, our 2 DDs (mid to late 20s) are very successful young professionals on twice the salary DH and I are on, (and already own their own homes with their partners.) And whilst me and DH supported them throughout their lives - and through Uni - we have not supported them since.

Didn't need to. They were capable of supporting themselves not long after they left Uni. I actually cringe when grown-ass adults in their mid 20s or older take handouts from parents, and let them bankroll them right into their 30s. I know 3 people like this who live off mummy and daddy and cannot hold down a job for more than 3 or 4 months out of any given year (they are 27 to 34,) and it's so cringe. And they will NEVER grow up as long as mummy and daddy keep enabling them.

Edited

I think 59 is very young to retire in this day and age. Might be clouded by the fact I work in the nhs where colleagues retire and return. I’ve personally never know anyone retire young and not return to some form of work. That’s the thing, we all have different experiences we draw from so being dismissive just because someone’s world view differs to yours is a bit blinkered to other people’s realities.

whatever my views, I think, if someone wants to retire and can afford to them they should do what they want.

drainthebath · 03/06/2024 19:32

thesurrealist · 03/06/2024 17:02

I'm going to apologise in advance for the rant that is coming.
When I read threads like this I am very glad of two things: 1. that my parents never had a pot to piss in and so never felt the pressure to give my sibling and I any hand outs. They didn't even have their own home because they never earned enough money between them to buy one. 2. I don't have kids.

I graduated in 1992. It wasn't a barrel of laughs and many people from my year, including me, ended up without a "graduate" job t go to. This was not through lack of trying, but there was nothing out there. The country had a few financial problems, let's say. There had been rioting in the streets a few years before, Thatcher decimating whole communities, mass unemployment during my childhood and a feeling among many of us working class kids that there was little hope of us having a lifestyle that we aspired to, you know: own home, good job, nice car, holidays.

We took shit, low paid jobs and by God they were low paid in the days before NMW. I couldn't afford to even rent a room in a shitty, mould-covered shared house which had no functional bathroom or kitchen. I ended up living with my parents and commuting to said low paid job by bike - it was 10 miles away. I became mega fit, so that's one advantage I guess. I had no savings. No handouts. No proper job until 1994 when I started temping. Only then I was able to afford the shitty room in the shared house, but then couldn't afford to eat properly and definitely no social life. Only in 1997 did I manage to escape the shit life - I was late 20's by then - with a place on a graduate programme. I could then afford to rent a slightly less grotty room in a shared house (this wasn't London and was actually a cheap area) and even managed to eat most days - though still had no social life, couldn't afford driving lessons so that cut down on job opportunities and definitely no hope of saving.

It wasn't until 2000 when I moved in with my then boyfriend, who became my husband (now ex) that being able to share the rent meant we could get a whole flat of our own. It was one bed, ancient kitchen and a broken bath, so we had to exist on sink washes to avoid flooding the flat below. We lived there for 3 years until we could afford a slightly better flat and then managed to buy a tiny, one bed starter home by taking out a scary number of credit cards and maxing them all out, plus a bank loan, to raise the deposit.

We were both, by then, in fairly good jobs and had progressed. We were still paying off the cards and the loan when we divorced in 2010.

For some of us there has never been a time when we could afford a deposit on a house in our 20's. Or 30s or, in the case of my parents. Ever.

For some of us the housing market has always been something out of reach and beyond our dreams.

I for one am sick to death of being expected to feel guilty for being born when I was. We struggled too. We had a cost of living crisis and we couldn't afford houses or a good life. Something that I think the parents of these spoilt children may have forgotten - or maybe didn't have to think about because they were the ones who had everything that people like me didn't.

Childfree people like me often get told that we are going to be dependent on your offspring to wipe our arses when we're old. I say to you now, I don't want your children anywhere near me because you have raised a generation of selfish, entitled drama queens and when I can no longer wipe my own arse, I'll see myself out of this life. Oh I don't blame the kids, btw. I blame you. Parents of my generation. What the fuck were you thinking.

Good grief. What made you so angry in life and why does everything have to reflect you and your life experience. It's not all about you. And not all people who had more than you are spoilt.

You might want to look at trying to remove that huge boulder from your shoulder

rainingsnoring · 03/06/2024 19:32

Caththegreat · 03/06/2024 19:26

Please.many jobs will be done by AI.which is why we need a basic income.look at the writing on the wall.educate yourselves

Don't be daft @Caththegreat. AI isn't going to be able to do any of the jobs I listed fully. It might take over a lot of middle/ higher admin/management desk type jobs and some lower paid ones but we will still need all the above jobs plus people to make and fix things, carers, etc.
You might want to educate about the use of capital letters and full stops!

Daphnis156 · 03/06/2024 19:33

Why?
Let your child save up or earn for themselves.

napody · 03/06/2024 19:34

The number of people asking OP whether she works when she states in the OP she earns 50k is a bit of a worry.

Edit: @drainthebath beat me to it!