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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s selfish for parents to retire early when their kids are renting?

588 replies

Lesbeavinu · 02/06/2024 22:45

Dh has decided he is going to retire at 59. He has a great government pension and private pension/savings. He earns a decent £50k a year (same as me) and we have no mortgage.

I said that dh should continue working for another year or 18 months and gift the money to dd for a flat deposit.

OP posts:
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/06/2024 17:00

pikkumyy77 · 03/06/2024 16:45

I love how mumsnet is all about the hard graft unless men want to retire to spend more time with their hobbies. Of course a parent should work hard to help their children to be in a more secure position.

I'll tell DH he'd better get himself back out to work as his son has a mortgage and we don't 🙄

thesurrealist · 03/06/2024 17:02

I'm going to apologise in advance for the rant that is coming.
When I read threads like this I am very glad of two things: 1. that my parents never had a pot to piss in and so never felt the pressure to give my sibling and I any hand outs. They didn't even have their own home because they never earned enough money between them to buy one. 2. I don't have kids.

I graduated in 1992. It wasn't a barrel of laughs and many people from my year, including me, ended up without a "graduate" job t go to. This was not through lack of trying, but there was nothing out there. The country had a few financial problems, let's say. There had been rioting in the streets a few years before, Thatcher decimating whole communities, mass unemployment during my childhood and a feeling among many of us working class kids that there was little hope of us having a lifestyle that we aspired to, you know: own home, good job, nice car, holidays.

We took shit, low paid jobs and by God they were low paid in the days before NMW. I couldn't afford to even rent a room in a shitty, mould-covered shared house which had no functional bathroom or kitchen. I ended up living with my parents and commuting to said low paid job by bike - it was 10 miles away. I became mega fit, so that's one advantage I guess. I had no savings. No handouts. No proper job until 1994 when I started temping. Only then I was able to afford the shitty room in the shared house, but then couldn't afford to eat properly and definitely no social life. Only in 1997 did I manage to escape the shit life - I was late 20's by then - with a place on a graduate programme. I could then afford to rent a slightly less grotty room in a shared house (this wasn't London and was actually a cheap area) and even managed to eat most days - though still had no social life, couldn't afford driving lessons so that cut down on job opportunities and definitely no hope of saving.

It wasn't until 2000 when I moved in with my then boyfriend, who became my husband (now ex) that being able to share the rent meant we could get a whole flat of our own. It was one bed, ancient kitchen and a broken bath, so we had to exist on sink washes to avoid flooding the flat below. We lived there for 3 years until we could afford a slightly better flat and then managed to buy a tiny, one bed starter home by taking out a scary number of credit cards and maxing them all out, plus a bank loan, to raise the deposit.

We were both, by then, in fairly good jobs and had progressed. We were still paying off the cards and the loan when we divorced in 2010.

For some of us there has never been a time when we could afford a deposit on a house in our 20's. Or 30s or, in the case of my parents. Ever.

For some of us the housing market has always been something out of reach and beyond our dreams.

I for one am sick to death of being expected to feel guilty for being born when I was. We struggled too. We had a cost of living crisis and we couldn't afford houses or a good life. Something that I think the parents of these spoilt children may have forgotten - or maybe didn't have to think about because they were the ones who had everything that people like me didn't.

Childfree people like me often get told that we are going to be dependent on your offspring to wipe our arses when we're old. I say to you now, I don't want your children anywhere near me because you have raised a generation of selfish, entitled drama queens and when I can no longer wipe my own arse, I'll see myself out of this life. Oh I don't blame the kids, btw. I blame you. Parents of my generation. What the fuck were you thinking.

pikkumyy77 · 03/06/2024 17:04

Well I don’t think its too indulgent to work hard to set your children up in life. Most immigrant families don’t imagine that their duty to elders or juniors stop when they have a pension and can retire. There’s an assumption of safety and security to someone who choses to stop earning early (from a non dangerous, non physical) job that I don’t share. tThe younger generation will not have the same ability to gain security in work or housing that we did.

I’m 63 and quite well off—my DH just retired in fact—but I have started my own business and will keep working as long as I can. I might need the money or my children might need the money.

HeddaGarbled · 03/06/2024 17:05

I would rather keep working and see my kids set up than leave work and go to the Maldives or wherever whilst knowing my (adult) child was struggling

What if you’re on a week in a caravan in Skeggy sort of budget? Maldives 🙄

Boomer55 · 03/06/2024 17:06

thesurrealist · 03/06/2024 17:02

I'm going to apologise in advance for the rant that is coming.
When I read threads like this I am very glad of two things: 1. that my parents never had a pot to piss in and so never felt the pressure to give my sibling and I any hand outs. They didn't even have their own home because they never earned enough money between them to buy one. 2. I don't have kids.

I graduated in 1992. It wasn't a barrel of laughs and many people from my year, including me, ended up without a "graduate" job t go to. This was not through lack of trying, but there was nothing out there. The country had a few financial problems, let's say. There had been rioting in the streets a few years before, Thatcher decimating whole communities, mass unemployment during my childhood and a feeling among many of us working class kids that there was little hope of us having a lifestyle that we aspired to, you know: own home, good job, nice car, holidays.

We took shit, low paid jobs and by God they were low paid in the days before NMW. I couldn't afford to even rent a room in a shitty, mould-covered shared house which had no functional bathroom or kitchen. I ended up living with my parents and commuting to said low paid job by bike - it was 10 miles away. I became mega fit, so that's one advantage I guess. I had no savings. No handouts. No proper job until 1994 when I started temping. Only then I was able to afford the shitty room in the shared house, but then couldn't afford to eat properly and definitely no social life. Only in 1997 did I manage to escape the shit life - I was late 20's by then - with a place on a graduate programme. I could then afford to rent a slightly less grotty room in a shared house (this wasn't London and was actually a cheap area) and even managed to eat most days - though still had no social life, couldn't afford driving lessons so that cut down on job opportunities and definitely no hope of saving.

It wasn't until 2000 when I moved in with my then boyfriend, who became my husband (now ex) that being able to share the rent meant we could get a whole flat of our own. It was one bed, ancient kitchen and a broken bath, so we had to exist on sink washes to avoid flooding the flat below. We lived there for 3 years until we could afford a slightly better flat and then managed to buy a tiny, one bed starter home by taking out a scary number of credit cards and maxing them all out, plus a bank loan, to raise the deposit.

We were both, by then, in fairly good jobs and had progressed. We were still paying off the cards and the loan when we divorced in 2010.

For some of us there has never been a time when we could afford a deposit on a house in our 20's. Or 30s or, in the case of my parents. Ever.

For some of us the housing market has always been something out of reach and beyond our dreams.

I for one am sick to death of being expected to feel guilty for being born when I was. We struggled too. We had a cost of living crisis and we couldn't afford houses or a good life. Something that I think the parents of these spoilt children may have forgotten - or maybe didn't have to think about because they were the ones who had everything that people like me didn't.

Childfree people like me often get told that we are going to be dependent on your offspring to wipe our arses when we're old. I say to you now, I don't want your children anywhere near me because you have raised a generation of selfish, entitled drama queens and when I can no longer wipe my own arse, I'll see myself out of this life. Oh I don't blame the kids, btw. I blame you. Parents of my generation. What the fuck were you thinking.

This. 👏👏👏👏

artis1 · 03/06/2024 17:08

thesurrealist · 03/06/2024 17:02

I'm going to apologise in advance for the rant that is coming.
When I read threads like this I am very glad of two things: 1. that my parents never had a pot to piss in and so never felt the pressure to give my sibling and I any hand outs. They didn't even have their own home because they never earned enough money between them to buy one. 2. I don't have kids.

I graduated in 1992. It wasn't a barrel of laughs and many people from my year, including me, ended up without a "graduate" job t go to. This was not through lack of trying, but there was nothing out there. The country had a few financial problems, let's say. There had been rioting in the streets a few years before, Thatcher decimating whole communities, mass unemployment during my childhood and a feeling among many of us working class kids that there was little hope of us having a lifestyle that we aspired to, you know: own home, good job, nice car, holidays.

We took shit, low paid jobs and by God they were low paid in the days before NMW. I couldn't afford to even rent a room in a shitty, mould-covered shared house which had no functional bathroom or kitchen. I ended up living with my parents and commuting to said low paid job by bike - it was 10 miles away. I became mega fit, so that's one advantage I guess. I had no savings. No handouts. No proper job until 1994 when I started temping. Only then I was able to afford the shitty room in the shared house, but then couldn't afford to eat properly and definitely no social life. Only in 1997 did I manage to escape the shit life - I was late 20's by then - with a place on a graduate programme. I could then afford to rent a slightly less grotty room in a shared house (this wasn't London and was actually a cheap area) and even managed to eat most days - though still had no social life, couldn't afford driving lessons so that cut down on job opportunities and definitely no hope of saving.

It wasn't until 2000 when I moved in with my then boyfriend, who became my husband (now ex) that being able to share the rent meant we could get a whole flat of our own. It was one bed, ancient kitchen and a broken bath, so we had to exist on sink washes to avoid flooding the flat below. We lived there for 3 years until we could afford a slightly better flat and then managed to buy a tiny, one bed starter home by taking out a scary number of credit cards and maxing them all out, plus a bank loan, to raise the deposit.

We were both, by then, in fairly good jobs and had progressed. We were still paying off the cards and the loan when we divorced in 2010.

For some of us there has never been a time when we could afford a deposit on a house in our 20's. Or 30s or, in the case of my parents. Ever.

For some of us the housing market has always been something out of reach and beyond our dreams.

I for one am sick to death of being expected to feel guilty for being born when I was. We struggled too. We had a cost of living crisis and we couldn't afford houses or a good life. Something that I think the parents of these spoilt children may have forgotten - or maybe didn't have to think about because they were the ones who had everything that people like me didn't.

Childfree people like me often get told that we are going to be dependent on your offspring to wipe our arses when we're old. I say to you now, I don't want your children anywhere near me because you have raised a generation of selfish, entitled drama queens and when I can no longer wipe my own arse, I'll see myself out of this life. Oh I don't blame the kids, btw. I blame you. Parents of my generation. What the fuck were you thinking.

You sound like a far bigger drama queen than any of my 3 kids.

mumpenalty · 03/06/2024 17:09

5128gap · 03/06/2024 16:51

I think the hard graft ethos typically refers to working hard yourself, not expecting another person to work hard on your behalf when you are an independent adult.

I don’t think this is about child centred society or a lack of hard graft. The problem is that hard graft now gets a person a hell of a lot less than it used to. My parents managed to buy a house on one average wage aged 23. The same house sold for £775k last year. Find me someone who left school at 16, works in an admin job who can afford that a few years work without a leg up from the generation who amassed property wealth. It simply isn’t possible now.

parkrun500club · 03/06/2024 17:17

If working for one extra year (which isn't very long at all) would allow you to give your daughter money for a deposit (and assuming she has the income to pay a mortgage) and your DH is fit and healthy, then I would do it. Plenty of time to live it up in retirement afterwards, if you are fit at 59 you are likely to be fit at 60.

And older people don't need to retire to free up jobs for younger people. The modern workplace doesn't work like that, jobs and workplaces are changing all the time.

parkrun500club · 03/06/2024 17:18

PS my father gave me the deposit for my first flat. Which cost £50K when I was earning £19K a year! A bit different to the proportions now!

BurntBroccoli · 03/06/2024 17:23

"Ironic that the surge in Boomer and Gen X BTLers is a part of what has fucked property affordability for people your sons’ ages…"
@Testina

Couldn't agree more!
Plus the lack of social housing.

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 17:41

You need a far bigger salary to afford anything in the SE now or other hot spots. Lots of my DDs’ friends or DDs could not do the work they do in Oldham or Bodmin or rural Lincolnshire. They cannot just move to cheap areas. Areas are cheap, of course, because fewer people want to live there. It’s ok for well paid public service workers to live in cheap areas - there are schools everywhere for example - but if your job is location dependent, you cannot work in many cheap areas so you don’t live there either.

Im amazed people are so anti helping DC.

To the ranting poster - you need the taxes my Dc will be paying (and one of my DDs pays a lot) to pay for your pension, health, and many other services because, I can assure you, when you are old you won’t be paying enough tax for all you take out. Here, care home costs are £5,500 a month. So hopefully you have saved up. Or are you expecting others to pay for all your care too? Of course you can hope you get the right to die, but you might not.

worriedaboutthefuturenow · 03/06/2024 17:54

ohtowinthelottery · 03/06/2024 08:01

Our DS is living back at home to save a deposit for a house. We've funded a Help2Buy account up to £12K for the maximum bonus. The rest he needs to save himself. DH is retiring shortly - we're both a good few years off State Pension age - and we could afford to give DS more money now to buy a house, but he's an adult, and handing him everything on a plate will do him no favours. He needs to earn his own house!

this. My nieces used a help to buy scheme, both are now on the property ladder at, 25 and 28. Not high salaries. My parents could not afford to buy a house till they were mid thirties and really struggled. I am Gen Z and I can tell you that at one point the mortgage interest rate hit 15% and swallowed round 60% of our monthly income, many people just gave the keys back. It took us 7 years before we could move out to a house and get a bigger mortgage. It was not easy then either.

TizerorFizz · 03/06/2024 18:08

We started at a mortgage rate of 15% in 1979. However we got 3x DH salary plus 1x mine. So we borrowed £18,000. Saved £20,000 deposit. It was easy! No parental money but cheap rental for 2 years. No waiting around at home for us. None of our friends did either! Now that house is £475,000. Everyone can do the sums!!! You need much more money!!! We just worked for local government, had cars and holidays etc. Didn’t scrimp at all. Even a tiny 2 bed is £260,000 so most young people in the area need two salaries and few could buy our first house as a first house now. Way worse in nice villages and more attractive towns.,

daliesque · 03/06/2024 18:10

thesurrealist · 03/06/2024 17:02

I'm going to apologise in advance for the rant that is coming.
When I read threads like this I am very glad of two things: 1. that my parents never had a pot to piss in and so never felt the pressure to give my sibling and I any hand outs. They didn't even have their own home because they never earned enough money between them to buy one. 2. I don't have kids.

I graduated in 1992. It wasn't a barrel of laughs and many people from my year, including me, ended up without a "graduate" job t go to. This was not through lack of trying, but there was nothing out there. The country had a few financial problems, let's say. There had been rioting in the streets a few years before, Thatcher decimating whole communities, mass unemployment during my childhood and a feeling among many of us working class kids that there was little hope of us having a lifestyle that we aspired to, you know: own home, good job, nice car, holidays.

We took shit, low paid jobs and by God they were low paid in the days before NMW. I couldn't afford to even rent a room in a shitty, mould-covered shared house which had no functional bathroom or kitchen. I ended up living with my parents and commuting to said low paid job by bike - it was 10 miles away. I became mega fit, so that's one advantage I guess. I had no savings. No handouts. No proper job until 1994 when I started temping. Only then I was able to afford the shitty room in the shared house, but then couldn't afford to eat properly and definitely no social life. Only in 1997 did I manage to escape the shit life - I was late 20's by then - with a place on a graduate programme. I could then afford to rent a slightly less grotty room in a shared house (this wasn't London and was actually a cheap area) and even managed to eat most days - though still had no social life, couldn't afford driving lessons so that cut down on job opportunities and definitely no hope of saving.

It wasn't until 2000 when I moved in with my then boyfriend, who became my husband (now ex) that being able to share the rent meant we could get a whole flat of our own. It was one bed, ancient kitchen and a broken bath, so we had to exist on sink washes to avoid flooding the flat below. We lived there for 3 years until we could afford a slightly better flat and then managed to buy a tiny, one bed starter home by taking out a scary number of credit cards and maxing them all out, plus a bank loan, to raise the deposit.

We were both, by then, in fairly good jobs and had progressed. We were still paying off the cards and the loan when we divorced in 2010.

For some of us there has never been a time when we could afford a deposit on a house in our 20's. Or 30s or, in the case of my parents. Ever.

For some of us the housing market has always been something out of reach and beyond our dreams.

I for one am sick to death of being expected to feel guilty for being born when I was. We struggled too. We had a cost of living crisis and we couldn't afford houses or a good life. Something that I think the parents of these spoilt children may have forgotten - or maybe didn't have to think about because they were the ones who had everything that people like me didn't.

Childfree people like me often get told that we are going to be dependent on your offspring to wipe our arses when we're old. I say to you now, I don't want your children anywhere near me because you have raised a generation of selfish, entitled drama queens and when I can no longer wipe my own arse, I'll see myself out of this life. Oh I don't blame the kids, btw. I blame you. Parents of my generation. What the fuck were you thinking.

👏👏👏👏
From me too. A fellow gen X working class girl who had fuck all.

Scottishskifun · 03/06/2024 18:14

Lesbeavinu · 02/06/2024 22:47

Just to add, his job is very low stress, 9-4pm, fully remote.

No offence OP but very low stress jobs in civil service don't really exist for 50k! That's SEO level upwards (probably G7).

Just because he doesn't bring his stress home doesn't mean its very low more he's good at his job and handling it!

As a beside no I don't think he should work longer and gift a house deposit. If your child who is renting wants a house deposit then they do what everyone else does budget and prioritise.
I'm also not that old at 38 before anyone says it's fine for baby boomers etc. I finished my degree when the financial crash hit I'm used to working my socks off for everything.

ChoccieCornflake · 03/06/2024 18:16

What the absolute fuck. I would much rather my parents retired early and enjoyed themselves, than continued working just in order to give me money.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/06/2024 18:25

CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 03/06/2024 16:50

I will tell my 75 year old Dad to get off his lazy arse and get back to work. He has only had two heart attacks and only worked from 16 - 65 with no stopping, obvs no one told him that he had to keep topping me up financially until he keels over.

This! ^ 😆 Is @pikkumyy77 and anyone agreeing with the OP actually serious right now. Surely this is a wind up??? I don't know anyone in real life who believes that their parents should keep working til they drop dead to support their grown-ass adult children! Where the F would it stop? WOULD it stop?! Confused

If I had told my parents (who both retired at 60) to get back to work and earn some money to bankroll me in my 30s and help me get a deposit for a house, a nice shiny new car, and other goodies that I deserve because I am their CHILD, they'd have told me to fuck off. (Once they had picked themselves up off the ground from pissing themselves laughing that is!)

This is utterly alien to me in my world. I mean, I know some people have had their parents fork out for driving lessons, and even a car, and fork out for university expenses, and yep, the lucky few have had their parents gift them a deposit for a house. Good for them! If the parents are minted and can afford to dish out 10s of 1000s to their offspring, and it makes life easier/more pleasant for the offspring, all good!

But the very idea of someone wanting to retire at 60, and the ADULT CHILDREN demanding they carry on working til 65, 66, 67, or 70 even, to fund the adult children's lifestyle/house deposit/new car/driving lessons etc etc etc, is a new and special kind of farcical. An utter piss take. And I can't believe anyone seriously thinks this. No way. Not in real life! 😂

87% of almost 2700 people disagree with you @Lesbeavinu Take a hint. YABVU! 😆

Cuppateatea · 03/06/2024 18:32

Wowzers. Couldn’t not comment on this one. Hardly selfish. He’s earned his right to retire he’s probably worked full time for the past 43 years, less if he went to uni but studying is hardly a walk in the park. V unreasonable of OP to expect her DH to do it.

cardibach · 03/06/2024 18:33

I’m completely confused by the ‘he’ll be bored/go stir crazy’ people. I more or less retired at 59 (do the odd day of agency work in my profession) and I’m never bored. I have loads of things to do. Do people have no imagination and no identity outside work? That’s sad.

pinkyredrose · 03/06/2024 18:35

To the ranting poster - you need the taxes my Dc will be paying (and one of my DDs pays a lot) to pay for your pension, health, and many other services because, I can assure you, when you are old you won’t be paying enough tax for all you take out. Here, care home costs are £5,500 a month. So hopefully you have saved up. Or are you expecting others to pay for all your care too? Of course you can hope you get the right to die, but you might not.

Bloody hell. 'Hope you get the right to die'? Wtf?! You obviously have an axe to grind (about your high earning daughter's tax payments).

Pillowface1 · 03/06/2024 18:36

I agree OP.

fetchacloth · 03/06/2024 18:36

ComfyBoobs · 02/06/2024 22:50

YAB massively U

He might keel over at 60. If he’s managed his life well enough that he can retire at 59, more power to his elbow - hope he enjoys a long and happy retirement without you making him feel guilty for it.

Exactly this and I hope he enjoys his well earned retirement 🙂

beatrix1234 · 03/06/2024 18:37

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/06/2024 18:25

This! ^ 😆 Is @pikkumyy77 and anyone agreeing with the OP actually serious right now. Surely this is a wind up??? I don't know anyone in real life who believes that their parents should keep working til they drop dead to support their grown-ass adult children! Where the F would it stop? WOULD it stop?! Confused

If I had told my parents (who both retired at 60) to get back to work and earn some money to bankroll me in my 30s and help me get a deposit for a house, a nice shiny new car, and other goodies that I deserve because I am their CHILD, they'd have told me to fuck off. (Once they had picked themselves up off the ground from pissing themselves laughing that is!)

This is utterly alien to me in my world. I mean, I know some people have had their parents fork out for driving lessons, and even a car, and fork out for university expenses, and yep, the lucky few have had their parents gift them a deposit for a house. Good for them! If the parents are minted and can afford to dish out 10s of 1000s to their offspring, and it makes life easier/more pleasant for the offspring, all good!

But the very idea of someone wanting to retire at 60, and the ADULT CHILDREN demanding they carry on working til 65, 66, 67, or 70 even, to fund the adult children's lifestyle/house deposit/new car/driving lessons etc etc etc, is a new and special kind of farcical. An utter piss take. And I can't believe anyone seriously thinks this. No way. Not in real life! 😂

87% of almost 2700 people disagree with you @Lesbeavinu Take a hint. YABVU! 😆

The OP’s daughter is not “demanding” anything, it’s the moms suggestion her husband works one more year so they can give their daughter a deposit. The OP sounds like a kind and generous parent, as for the husband I haven’t heard anything so can’t comment if he’s been a generous father or not.

needsomewarmsunshine · 03/06/2024 18:44

A lot of posters on here need to fuck right off with their fucking entitled boomer ideas. There are plenty of us who have had jack shit in the way of help.
I don't have the means to help my dc even though I'm mortgage free in a small two bed bungalow. Perhaps some people on here think dh and I should sell up and live in a fucking tent so we can give the dc a few grand.

whyhavetheygotsomany · 03/06/2024 18:47

Yes or you could sell up and downsize to buy the flat

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