To think it’s selfish for parents to retire early when their kids are renting?

[Lesbeavinu]

Dh has decided he is going to retire at 59. He has a great government pension and private pension/savings. He earns a decent £50k a year (same as me) and we have no mortgage.

I said that dh should continue working for another year or 18 months and gift the money to dd for a flat deposit.

But the parents in this scenario don't have the money to gift now (or presumably from OPs thoughts in this thread, they would have done so).

By your logic, by not working beyond his planned retirement to obtain that money to gift to his daughter, he's stingy, which equates to unkind and his daughter won't therefore feel like she wants to support him later on.

A decent adult human who has a good relationship with their parents would say, no dad, retire. You've worked really hard to get to this point, enjoy your life now. They wouldn't even think about the fact he's stopping working while they are renting because those two things aren't actually related.

I would rather keep working and see my kids set up than leave work and go to the Maldives or wherever whilst knowing my (adult) child was struggling. Everyone seems to have their own take on this and I completely understand the idea of enjoying retirement whilst you can but surely for most people the biggest enjoyment would be knowing their children were secure.

But doesn't his own quality of life matter too? And his own priorities for later life?

Parents do not exist solely for the benefit of their offspring.

I suppose as someone whose parents never had anything to donate, I do wonder how much parents paying deposits further increases house prices and increases inequality for those who don't have parents who can.

That being said if I could afford it when the time comes don't know what I'd do, but I don't think you can force your DH and as people have said it leaves a job open for someone younger

@beatrix1234

this! Working yourself into the ground to give your kids money for a house deposit is not a guarantee they will be supportive towards you in old age.

I rent, my parents are mid to late 50s. Not in a million years would I want them to work an extra year for me to buy a home. They've worked hard for years, including working hard when I was a child to ensure I never went with out. I think it's very unreasonable to expect your husband to work another year.

That’s a bit of a leap!
OP hasn’t bothered to give enough useful info in the first place, or update 🙄

If he works until 67 (state pension age) he could probably pay off her mortgage.

Should he?

If not where’s the balance?

Nowhere does OP say that their daughter needs this deposit. Would I work an extra year if it was the difference for my could between getting their own property and not? Yeah, if I could. But maybe this child can afford to save, or is feckless.

Anyway, they’re mortgage free and the husband here has a good pension plus private pension. So OP won’t be subbing his living costs. So why isn’t she having a frugal year and gifting a chunk of her not inconsiderable £50K salary?

My mum retired at 60 and fell ill at 62, she died at 70 after spending all of that time with a neurological disease which completely ruined her life. She had barely 2 years of retirement.

@TeenLifeMum · Yesterday 22:50

59 is very young. I’d just be worried dh would be bored and get depressed.

Just PMSL at this! 😆 59 is 'very young???' Do behave yourself. It's NOT young, and it is certainly not too young to retire. (And I say this as someone 'around that age.')

I think you need to expand your mind a bit more, and definitely get out more if you believe that you would get 'bored and depressed' retiring at 59/60! That's the dream for many! I work part time - 2 days a week, and am never EVER bored. NEVER. I plan to retire at 63 (Less than 5 years to go,) and so does DH (we are the same age,) and like fuck will we 'get bored!'

@Lesbeavinu In answer to your query/quandary, NO! 59 is not too young to retire FGS. You'd have to have rocks in your head to keep working so you can support your adult children, LOL! give over!

Fortunately, our 2 DDs (mid to late 20s) are very successful young professionals on twice the salary DH and I are on, (and already own their own homes with their partners.) And whilst me and DH supported them throughout their lives - and through Uni - we have not supported them since.

Didn't need to. They were capable of supporting themselves not long after they left Uni. I actually cringe when grown-ass adults in their mid 20s or older take handouts from parents, and let them bankroll them right into their 30s. I know 3 people like this who live off mummy and daddy and cannot hold down a job for more than 3 or 4 months out of any given year (they are 27 to 34,) and it's so cringe. And they will NEVER grow up as long as mummy and daddy keep enabling them.

How about you work extra few years and give that money to your child?

Again, it’s a tricky one because I don’t know the nature of the relationship between father and daughter, how kind he’s been to her -in general-. I don’t know if his refusal to give her a deposit is part of a history of being unkind or maybe he’s been very kind to her in other ways paying for he college, wedding so his refusal to work one more year doesn’t really matter to the daughter. Only she knows the answer.

so sad, I was encouraging my mum to retire early, I did not like seeing her trudging off to work everyday - she wasn't well either, I wanted her to enjoy her the rest of her life. I dont think any DD or DS would really want their parents to work purely to provide them with some money. I know i would not have wanted that.

Your husband has done his job supporting his children. Their turn to support themselves.

My dad retired at 59 from a very dangerous job. He and Mum only had about 3 yrs of good health together. I would never begrudge Dad those years.

Just to add - my Dad had his own home taken off him via compulsory purchase and he and Mum had no choice but to rent for 40 years. My Mum and Dad did their bit for me, God bless them. You get to a certain age and then it's your turn to look out for yourself and maybe help your parents if you can.

Thank you for sharing this. This needs to be taken into consideration.

Which brings us back to you equating money with generosity and kindness.

When my dad heard that I was thinking of going into teacher training for a year after uni, he told Mum he'd have to keep working.

I tried to find a job outside teaching, but was unsuccessful. I took the place I was offered at college, but we didn't tell Dad until it was a fait accompli. There had been so many accidents happening at his work that we were terrified for him. I managed.

A year later, I had a job and was living with my parents - paid them digs money and it made a substantial difference to them. Later moved out and got my own place, but helped them out as I got promoted.

he is not refusing to give her a deposit, he just doesn't have it to give her ? why should he work for another 18 months if he doesn't need to ? his DD is an adult and should be capable of looking after herself ? it is tough to get on the housing ladder but it's not impossible and it is not up to parents to help fund their kids homes.

Surely your DD would feel terrible if her dad put off his retirement for this reason? There is no way my DC would accept this from me or their father.

this 100%

I assume it isn’t the case for the OPs husband but my local government pension is now linked with the state pension age and I can’t take it till 67.

I love how mumsnet is all about the hard graft unless men want to retire to spend more time with their hobbies. Of course a parent should work hard to help their children to be in a more secure position.

I will tell my 75 year old Dad to get off his lazy arse and get back to work. He has only had two heart attacks and only worked from 16 - 65 with no stopping, obvs no one told him that he had to keep topping me up financially until he keels over.

I think the hard graft ethos typically refers to working hard yourself, not expecting another person to work hard on your behalf when you are an independent adult.

The opening post epitomises the cult of the child. Child-centred, child-led. The world has gone mad.

I agree, and it’s opened my eyes to why some of the early years professionals I am asked to mentor are they way they are.