To think it’s selfish for parents to retire early when their kids are renting?

[Lesbeavinu]

Dh has decided he is going to retire at 59. He has a great government pension and private pension/savings. He earns a decent £50k a year (same as me) and we have no mortgage.

I said that dh should continue working for another year or 18 months and gift the money to dd for a flat deposit.

Op, yours is an interesting viewpoint but I wonder where it would end. Would you and dh deprive yourself of holidays etc until your dd has a flat?

And then what about when she wants a bigger home? I'm sure your dd would like you and your husband to enjoy your lives and make the most of your time - there has to be a balance between looking after your adult dd and making the most of your lives. My dad only had 8 years of life after he retired, something none of us could have predicted as he was fit and healthy for all of his adult life.

I have officially peaked Mumsnet.

Rather disappointed this thread wasn't penned by an ungrateful offspring, who wants parents to work til they drop to fund child's lifestyle whilst at the same time offer round-the-clock babysitting services but have to send royal courier pigeon to humbly crave permission to schedule a social call six months in advance.

I think Id want to understand a bit more about DDs situation. But if she is the typical young person paying off massive student loans, whilst paying a huge rent while trying to save a deposit. Then yeah I might look at myself and my 'excellent' pension that she will never have a chance to have, my free education, my cheap as chips housing, and incredibly long period of low interest rates...
and think maybe I should help the child I brought into this world to have a tiny bit of the lifestyle I have enjoyed (that my generation has ensured no one after ever will).

Maybe also save money for grand children's home deposit?

If you don't consider it better, I'm genuinely unsure why you felt the point was worth making? Not being snidey here, just genuinely don't understand why you felt it was relevant?

Currently 65 and planning to work until 70 in order to ensure I can help out my own child and my sister's daughter. My sister (late 50s) has been living with cancer for some years and is steadily going downhill. Her husband left when her daughter was 6 and she is really struggling financially. My niece is a lovely young women who's done all she can for her mum. I think of her like a second child and why would I treat one child better than another?

Next year I'll get the state pension. I started taking my main private pension this year and had a decent tax-free lump sum, so I split that in two and gave half to each youngster — enough for a deposit on a modest home of their own. I am also giving each of them £200 a month from my salary to help towards mortgage costs for the next couple of years, when with a bit of luck they'll be able to manage without help.

My plan is to go down to 3 days a week next year when I get my state pension and work on till 70 and save up a bit of a nest-egg for myself. I can work remotely and relatively flexibly so I hope that I can go on more holidays and work from abroad. I've been with my current employer for 15 years now and have mentioned my plan and they've been supportive.

I'd feel differently if my job was very high-pressure but it's fairly routine.

Then they should be the ones who take part in building economy and politics of the country.

Would it be an incredibly generous and kind thing to do? Yes

Would it be selfish not to do it? No absolutely not.

If your husband isn’t keen on doing it, then you’ll just have to wait until you are ready to retire, you work an extra year and you do it.

So she should be on his case until he agrees to continue working. As long as he provided for his children when they were minors and enabled them to be responsible, well functioning adults, he did his job as a parent. Unless the adult children cannot take care of themselves for some physical or mental issue, parents should not be conditioned by the society to worry for them forever.

YABU. Of course he should retire when he wants to if he feels able. My dad retired at 57 and I thank God he did, because it meant he got to go cycling across Europe and actually enjoy some of his retirement before he got diagnosed with motor neurone disease at 66. You never know what will happen. P.S. nobody gave me any money for a deposit.

Your DH needs to decide where his priorities lay, you can "influence him" as the wife and try to push your own agenda but ultimately it's him who needs to decide what's more important, him retiring at 59 or helping your daughter. He also needs to know that karma is a thing, that he will be old one day and maybe he will only have the daughter to care for him and depending on how he treated her she will be nice to him or not. I believe it's a wise idea to give the daughter a deposit and work one more year, unless of course the job is unbearable.

I would look after my parents whether they gifted me a house deposit or not.

That's because how they treated me (as you put it) has nothing to do with any money they gave me and everything to do with their love, support and actions.

It's very transactional to think that children will only care about parents who gave them money. And possibly says more about you than anyone else.

I agree with you OP it is selfish. He could at least go part time. It's a million times harder to get on the housing market now, and it's such an important milestone in life for many people to have somewhere secure.

This. If you’ve brought up your children well it shouldn’t be necessary to bribe them to look after you when you’re old.

As I understand it, modern parents need to do two ' sets' of care to be eligible for a visit to their care homes when elderly: They need to raise their kids to adulthood, then help them get through adulthood with deposits, childcare, free housing and other help. Then and only then, can they expect any help in return. Incredibly transactional.

OP is clearly a post and run, but this thread has revealed some interesting perspectives.

Bit odd this, surely his priority would be to help provide a secure home for his kids. Very naive man I’d say. Unless he’s depressed at work and looking for an out

Or alternatively, he could see his priority as raising his kids to being independent, self motivated adults, and then enjoy the rest of his life, secure in the knowledge that they will be able to make their way in the world, while knowing he has the funds to look after himself in old age and won’t be asking them to contribute to his care?

I don’t know what’s the relationship between father and daughter and how kind he’s been to her so won’t comment on it, but generosity is part of a bigger picture called “kindness”. Called me “transactional” but I wouldn’t be the loving daughter of a parent who had been unkind to me. Karma is a thing, yes.

I pretty much straight away thought this was a reverse - another entitled child feeling hard done by that their parent won’t fund their lifestyle …

So if a parent hasn't got the means to give large sums of money, they're unkind and karma is coming?

Are you like the parents in the 90s gifting children a brand new car for passing their test after paying for all if their lessons?

I've got fuck all, I don't even know which country my Mum is in, in her camper van at the moment.

Enjoy Mum!! You have worked so so hard for this.

They're my thoughts.

I think that it is his life, his choice and his money frankly. I think that it's a bit much to expect him to carry on working purely to support his adult kids if he has worked all his life. Doesn't he deserve to retire and take it easy while he can can ? I never begrudged my dad retiring early at 55, he has spent the last 20 years doing exactly what he wanted to do, and I fully supported him in that, he had earned it and had worked from age 15. I wonder if your DD would even want him to do that.

This! The number of people I have known who have died (or been diagnosed with a terminal/life-limiting illness) just before or just after retirement is shocking.

this

Of course not, that’s not what I’m talking about. Many many parents don’t have money to give their only child a deposit and that’s perfectly fine if they’ve raised the kid with love, affection and other forms of kindness. I’m talking about those parents who have the money or means to help the kid with a deposit but they’d rather not because they’re stingy.