To feel bad about my daughter going school tomorrow with shorter hair

[inneedofaglowup]

I've had my DD haircut in this half term. She's 6. I understand it's the biggest thing in the world for them in the sense their hair is short they feel they look totally different. She had longer hair now cut to just below her shoulders. She's scared to go school tomorrow and is crying that she doesn't like it and everyone will say she looks different. I've tried to calm her down and tell her how beautiful she looks and that she doesn't look any different at all. But how do I make her happier, I feel awful and will be tense all day at work tmrw knowing she gets upset at any small comment someone could make.

Did she want to have her hair cut so much shorter? Was she involved in the decision?

If she wants it longer it should soon grow back.

Thanks people for your kind and considerate words. My DD has gone into school a little nervous. Her older sister reassured her before they went in by saying it looks no different and not to worry and her brother also said the same which I think gave her some confidence. She went in and another girl also had her haircut, the teacher pointed out her hair looked lovely and she was smiling but one of those really "I'm trying to keep it together" smiles. My darling girl. Hopefully she's going to have seen her friends and will be fine when I pick her up later.

Yes I said let it grow again and next time I'd only ever trim it

So completely validating her disproportionate anxiety about a bit of a haircut?

I'd have been much more breezy (as I was with my own 6 year old last week) about it not being that important as it will grow again and that she might want only a trim next time but she might want it even shorter.

If mine was still upset today (or even the day after the cut) I'd be worried about what messages she'd heard before that made her hair seem so important. If she was going in to school worried what people would say that's so much bigger a reaction that I can understand I would he doing everything to get her to see it as disproportionate, not allowing her to keep thinking it's a big deal

I vividly remember a big haircut at a very similar age. I hated it, hadn’t wanted it as short as it was (on/slightly below shoulders I think) and I cried. The next day was back to school and had a comment of ‘you’ve had your hair cut!’ which really upset me. Kids get upset about all sorts of things, there’s some brutal comments on this thread. 30 years later and I remember it really well. It sounds like you handled it really well, it won’t be a big deal in the grand scheme of life for her but it may well mean an awful lot to her at the time!

I realise this is not the point of the thread but I cried many times during the Nit Wars. Felt like I was constantly donning the rubber gauntlets and heading into a bloody battle against them! Be glad you lived in peacetime, nit-wise (you're probably past the danger stage at 12?).

If she's that sensitive, what are you doing about that generally? Looking up all the areas to go over, to help her.

Oh bless you, maybe I would cry then 🤣

OP my 17 year old had her hair cut shorter than she wanted a few weeks back and cried for 2 days....so I totally get this.

Why don't you go and buy some nice new clips or bobbles or something and you can tell her that everyone will be looking at those and nobody will notice.

Sit a year 1 class on the carpet and all the girls will be playing with the hair of the girl in front!

@Spinet stay on your guard, we had a resurgence at 14 recently, I literally couldn't believe it, we had been through years of fighting the things at primary school with many tears shed. Felt so sorry for my poor DD who had caught them from her 5 year old cousin. Took a good few months to get them under control again.

Indeed. The majority of girls in my class at primary school had short hair. The seeming LAW that girls must have long hair is very regressive and sad, IMO.

There’s lot of talk of resilience, not feeding the anxiety etc. True resilience is borne of confidence -that you are being listened to and empathised with, that someone has your back - not from having your anxieties dismissed as stuff and nonsense. The op has done exactly the right thing.

Hat?

I know right. I mean some of these comments and the dismissiveness of children's concerns/worries actually scares me.

Thank you. And as an update my DD has come back from school fine. She said people didn't realise her hair was cut and when I reminded her that's what I told you! She was laughing it off. So now she knows maybe mummy can be right about things and next time she's worried and I try to calm her down and empathise with her, instead of worrying, maybe she'll think last time I was worried and mum was right maybe she'll be right this time too and her confidence will build up and her sensitivity to certain things relaxes too.

This

The bigger deal you make, the worse it will be

I would be a bit tough and say. People might notice and say oh you've had a hair cut. You look lovely so who cares.That's it.
Don't worry about it.
What do you want for tea?
If they go on I would ignore it.
I say this with 3 ND kids who always moan about haircuts as hate to be cente or attention. They get over it.

At least OP’s dd will never be subjected to the horror of the Ronco Trimcomb, which was something your 1970s mum would inflict on you at the start of every term. Many a small child was traumatised in this way.

Ahhhh I'm glad to read your update.
You did all the right things.
My dd is an adult now but I remember her being worried about going into school with quite a few inches cut off her hair. She was a bit miffed when nobody really noticed & ended up actively telling everyone!
I'm glad she's had a good day, sometimes it's the 'small' things that really matter.

This.

Ah so glad to read your update and hear that all went well for her today! I think you handed this fantastically and well done on ignoring the posters who were giving "children should be seen and not heard" vibes lol

Not that vibe at all. I've listened carefully and gently to DD when she's had real worries, about misunderstandings of things people have said, about bad dreams, about worries around friends who aren't straightforward and all sorts and we've talked about it and addressed it all.

But I was breezily dismissive of her upset about shorter hair because it just isn't an actual issue it's worth caring about and she forgot it minutes later.

@DappledThings I don't even know what your comment was tbh because I checked out of reading the other posters' comments, but there were lots of that nature when the OP posted her initial thread

I can't see any that I'm interpreting as saying children's feelings don't matter. I can see plenty agreeing that entertaining every concern as equally important is a bit silly.