Page 3 | To feel bad about my daughter going school tomorrow with shorter hair

inneedofaglowup · 2024-06-02T19:24:57+00:00

I've had my DD haircut in this half term. She's 6. I understand it's the biggest thing in the world for them in the sense their hair is short they feel they look totally different. She had longer hair now cut to just below her shoulders. She's scared to go school tomorrow and is crying that she doesn't like it and everyone will say she looks different. I've tried to calm her down and tell her how beautiful she looks and that she doesn't look any different at all. But how do I make her happier, I feel awful and will be tense all day at work tmrw knowing she gets upset at any small comment someone could make.

willowtolive · 02/06/2024 21:23

I think it will be fine it's not like she's got a crop it's still long. Put it up?

MrsDTucker · 02/06/2024 21:27

I thought you were going to say it was cut above her ears or something. Tie it up and it will look the same.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 02/06/2024 21:27

TheTartfulLodger · 02/06/2024 21:10

Does anyone teach children resilience anymore?

You can't 'teach' resilience.

You can build it, encourage it and support it.

S0livagant · 02/06/2024 21:31

In my day your mum cut your hair and if one side was shorter than the other then she'd cut the other side more, then repeat, until it was so short you went into school wearing a hat to hide it. The kid doesn't know how good she has it!

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 02/06/2024 21:32

I had always assumed tied up was the rule at all schools until a thread on here a few months ago

I don't know of any schools with rules about hair styles. Just not a thing where I live. And never has been.

Blancher · 02/06/2024 21:33

As a fellow parent of a sensitive child, I can sympathise! Glad she's feeling better about it now.

Mine is only 6 too and any 'big' change causes a bit of anxiety (whether it's actually the hair cut or going back to school after what must feel like a really long time to her!)

She will be fine 🙂 don't worry about feeling helpless when she's like that. As long as she knows you'll be there without judgement at the end of the day, she'll be alright

BeNavyCrab · 02/06/2024 21:33

I can see that you have had a fair number of "expert" parents who are quite critical of the situation and very sure of how you should handle the issue. Whilst making light of the situation and pretending everything is perfectly fine works for some children, for others it just makes them feel worse. There are some children who are just naturally more sensitive than others and it's so sad to see other parents not supporting other parents.The OP was asking for support for the way she was feeling worried about how her child would cope at school, when she knows the daughter wasn't feeling confident with her new hairstyle. Why do people think that is helpful by saying that it's her fault or questioning why the hair was cut, that the child shouldn't care etc? Its always important to understand what is upsetting our kids and caring about what they are afraid of. It's not always the thing that they complain about that is the driving factor in their emotional upsets, it could be that they may have witnessed another child being bullied previously for example. Or they may be anxious about going back to school in general. By listening and suggesting different ways of handling the anxiety they are feeling they learn how to cope in stressful situations. They feel that their parent values and cares for them, rather than negates their feelings or making them feel stupid for having them. Fear is fear and anxiety is anxiety, it doesn't have to be rational to affect a person, whatever the age. If you don't build rapport with your child and a safe space to express their worries, one day they will stop coming to you for help. It might "just be hair" but for her daughter it was something that was upsetting her. Luckily she has a parent who cares enough to worry about her and ask for suggestions and ideas to ameliorate it.

Some times there will be ways to make things better and other times they might face a situation where there's not a way to "fix it". Having a parent who is invested and listening, ready to metaphorically stand with them through adversity and just be there for them is invaluable.

PrincessTeaSet · 02/06/2024 21:34

MaryMaryVeryContrary · 02/06/2024 20:57

She’s scared and bothered because you’re basically telling her she should be.

Think about it, if you were worried about something, what would reassure you? Somebody saying ‘Look, I’m telling you you’re worrying about nothing. It’s no big deal. Now let’s go and have a slice of cake’ or ‘oh yes I can see you’re worried, are you worried? I would be too. How are you feeling? I hate seeing you upset. What’s upsetting you most?’ Blah blah blah

You are wrong. Ok the hair is not a big deal and we know that but this is a 6 year old. Imagine you were really worried about a medical diagnosis or a job interview and wanted to talk to someone about it. What would help more - someone saying "you'll be fine have a piece of cake" or someone willing to listen to you and help you find a solution?

By listening to a child that is worried about something (however trivial) you are modelling how to deal with problems constructively. They will then be able to do the same thing for themselves.

DappledThings · 02/06/2024 21:35

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 02/06/2024 21:32

I had always assumed tied up was the rule at all schools until a thread on here a few months ago

I don't know of any schools with rules about hair styles. Just not a thing where I live. And never has been.

Yeah, that seems really bonkers to me. Even if no other uniform I can't imagine all that long hair down at school.

ImthatBoleyngirl · 02/06/2024 21:36

thistimelastweek · 02/06/2024 21:13

Well those schools are just begging for nits.
And don't come crying when your loose-haired girl catches them.

Show quote history

DD is 12 and has never had nits. It's not something I would cry about if she did though 🤣

PrincessTeaSet · 02/06/2024 21:40

BeNavyCrab · 02/06/2024 21:33

I can see that you have had a fair number of "expert" parents who are quite critical of the situation and very sure of how you should handle the issue. Whilst making light of the situation and pretending everything is perfectly fine works for some children, for others it just makes them feel worse. There are some children who are just naturally more sensitive than others and it's so sad to see other parents not supporting other parents.The OP was asking for support for the way she was feeling worried about how her child would cope at school, when she knows the daughter wasn't feeling confident with her new hairstyle. Why do people think that is helpful by saying that it's her fault or questioning why the hair was cut, that the child shouldn't care etc? Its always important to understand what is upsetting our kids and caring about what they are afraid of. It's not always the thing that they complain about that is the driving factor in their emotional upsets, it could be that they may have witnessed another child being bullied previously for example. Or they may be anxious about going back to school in general. By listening and suggesting different ways of handling the anxiety they are feeling they learn how to cope in stressful situations. They feel that their parent values and cares for them, rather than negates their feelings or making them feel stupid for having them. Fear is fear and anxiety is anxiety, it doesn't have to be rational to affect a person, whatever the age. If you don't build rapport with your child and a safe space to express their worries, one day they will stop coming to you for help. It might "just be hair" but for her daughter it was something that was upsetting her. Luckily she has a parent who cares enough to worry about her and ask for suggestions and ideas to ameliorate it.

Some times there will be ways to make things better and other times they might face a situation where there's not a way to "fix it". Having a parent who is invested and listening, ready to metaphorically stand with them through adversity and just be there for them is invaluable.

Edited

Exactly. One day this daughter will be a teenager who is worried she's pregnant, or suffering online bullying, or a young adult in a difficult relationship. She won't confide in you then about serious problems if she can't now about the easily solved childhood stuff.

Original poster

inneedofaglowup · 02/06/2024 21:45

BeNavyCrab · 02/06/2024 21:33

I can see that you have had a fair number of "expert" parents who are quite critical of the situation and very sure of how you should handle the issue. Whilst making light of the situation and pretending everything is perfectly fine works for some children, for others it just makes them feel worse. There are some children who are just naturally more sensitive than others and it's so sad to see other parents not supporting other parents.The OP was asking for support for the way she was feeling worried about how her child would cope at school, when she knows the daughter wasn't feeling confident with her new hairstyle. Why do people think that is helpful by saying that it's her fault or questioning why the hair was cut, that the child shouldn't care etc? Its always important to understand what is upsetting our kids and caring about what they are afraid of. It's not always the thing that they complain about that is the driving factor in their emotional upsets, it could be that they may have witnessed another child being bullied previously for example. Or they may be anxious about going back to school in general. By listening and suggesting different ways of handling the anxiety they are feeling they learn how to cope in stressful situations. They feel that their parent values and cares for them, rather than negates their feelings or making them feel stupid for having them. Fear is fear and anxiety is anxiety, it doesn't have to be rational to affect a person, whatever the age. If you don't build rapport with your child and a safe space to express their worries, one day they will stop coming to you for help. It might "just be hair" but for her daughter it was something that was upsetting her. Luckily she has a parent who cares enough to worry about her and ask for suggestions and ideas to ameliorate it.

Some times there will be ways to make things better and other times they might face a situation where there's not a way to "fix it". Having a parent who is invested and listening, ready to metaphorically stand with them through adversity and just be there for them is invaluable.

Edited

Thank you. This made me a little teary. I couldn't have worded it better myself. I could never act like it's totally something not to be bothered about knowing it is in fact worrying my child. I know that now they're very young but surely there should be an approach where they can come to mummy or daddy knowing they're not going to just tell them to get over it. I'd feel like a terrible person if my child kept something to themselves that was deeply upsetting them. That just couldn't be me.

OP posts:

Original poster

inneedofaglowup · 02/06/2024 21:46

Blancher · 02/06/2024 21:33

As a fellow parent of a sensitive child, I can sympathise! Glad she's feeling better about it now.

Mine is only 6 too and any 'big' change causes a bit of anxiety (whether it's actually the hair cut or going back to school after what must feel like a really long time to her!)

She will be fine 🙂 don't worry about feeling helpless when she's like that. As long as she knows you'll be there without judgement at the end of the day, she'll be alright

Thank you! ☺️

OP posts:

PrincessTeaSet · 02/06/2024 21:46

SantaBarbaraMonica · 02/06/2024 21:16

This is the start of her either believing or not believing that her hair and how she looks is what defines whether she has a good day or not.

Tell her she looks lovely with long hair, medium hair, short hair or bald. And then say you’ve heard enough about hair and she needs to focus on something more important.

But this is a lie. Would you honestly not be a little bit nervous turning up to work completely bald? If you worked in a school? Most people would be. Children are not stupid. Especially if you've previously told your child they have to brush their hair for school or wear clean clothes or something else that indicates that appearance is important.

S0livagant · 02/06/2024 21:46

Just tell her everyone will see it for the first time only once, they might give a compliment, they might be rude. That's the worst that's likely to happen. Then it's over and it will be like you've always had that haircut.

In the unlikely event of repeated insults, well bullies will pick on anything, it's not about the hair.

Spinet · 02/06/2024 22:07

The best advice I've ever had about things kids are worried about that you as an adult don't think matter was from a professional. It was to verbally empathise. So find it what's worrying her precisely (the hair cut generally, precisely worrying that people will talk about it in a mean way at school) and then say 'I would feel worried too if I thought that people might say mean things about my hair cut at school'. Because you would, wouldn't you, if you really thought that? Even though as adults we know nobody will even notice most likely. Honestly it is like magic at calming kids down. Obviously it doesn't take the worry away but at least they know they are not stupid for having the worry and that it's totally ok to think about that.

AToyotaYarisforPetessake · 02/06/2024 22:18

inneedofaglowup · 02/06/2024 20:43

Thank you for the responses from people who can understand. For those telling me to calm down please try to understand how scared and bothered you can be at the slightest comment when you're young and everything matters. And yes for a 6 year old she is very conscious about her hair and stuff. She's in to these type of things whereas my 9 year old is less bothered as she's not so much into doing hair etc.

She does have it tied up for school anyway but seems to think it will be so noticeable still. I've explained it won't be but hopefully when she goes to school and she realises no one cares and her worrying mind is at rest. The comment about hair styles is a good one I'm going to try that now.

OP, I'd recommend practising with her some things she can say if/when friends comment. I work with anxious and/or neurodivergent children - having a 'script' can really help with these sort of social situations.

For example:
Ok, DD, shall we practise some things you could say? Imagine that Anwesha says "I like your hair" - what could you say? "Thank you! I like it too - it's much easier to brush now"
Imagine that Emily says "Oh your hair is much shorter now. I like long hair." Maybe you could say, "That's OK, because we all like different things. I like my hair shorter because I think it looks cool."

Hope it goes well tomorrow! X

Serene135 · 02/06/2024 22:27

Just out of curiosity why did you cut her long hair if she wanted it left long? Was it getting unhealthy? Most children tie their hair up for school. Can she tie it up and put some nice clips in?

WhyamInotvomiting · 02/06/2024 22:42

Hi OP, sorry your DC has been upset and I'm not surprised it worries you. I bet tomorrow all will be fine and she will come out school with a smile on her face and that will be the end of it for her!

Although I hate to think of your little girl upset, I must admit I have taken some comfort in your thread. My 6yo has a rash on her face atm (long story). She is very worried about going to school tomorrow, telling me she doesn't want to go because everyone will see it, that she feels embarrassed, and so on. I feel terrible for her. She's had similar rashes before and she also gets eczema, and she's never been remotely bothered about any of it, from an appearance point of view. She is a very sensitive child but enjoys school and has lots of friends. I've genuinely been shocked that she's so bothered about this and questioning whether it's a normal reaction for a child of this age. Of course I knew she'd get bothered about her appearance in time but really didn't think it would be so young. I don't remember giving my appearance much head space at all until I was 10 or so.

She adores her teacher though and has asked me to tell them at drop off that she's worried about it, so I will do. And I'm glad she feels they will support her.

Original poster

inneedofaglowup · 02/06/2024 23:02

WhyamInotvomiting · 02/06/2024 22:42

Hi OP, sorry your DC has been upset and I'm not surprised it worries you. I bet tomorrow all will be fine and she will come out school with a smile on her face and that will be the end of it for her!

Although I hate to think of your little girl upset, I must admit I have taken some comfort in your thread. My 6yo has a rash on her face atm (long story). She is very worried about going to school tomorrow, telling me she doesn't want to go because everyone will see it, that she feels embarrassed, and so on. I feel terrible for her. She's had similar rashes before and she also gets eczema, and she's never been remotely bothered about any of it, from an appearance point of view. She is a very sensitive child but enjoys school and has lots of friends. I've genuinely been shocked that she's so bothered about this and questioning whether it's a normal reaction for a child of this age. Of course I knew she'd get bothered about her appearance in time but really didn't think it would be so young. I don't remember giving my appearance much head space at all until I was 10 or so.

She adores her teacher though and has asked me to tell them at drop off that she's worried about it, so I will do. And I'm glad she feels they will support her.

Awww. I'm sure your little girl is absolutely beautiful ☺️☺️ that's the thing we can reassure them but their little minds run off into all sorts of what ifs, and that's what worries us as parents! Sending a little prayer for both our girls tomorrow!

OP posts:

Original poster

inneedofaglowup · 02/06/2024 23:03

AToyotaYarisForPetessake I have been doing this today! Thank you for the advice ☺️

OP posts:

mrlistersgelfbride · 03/06/2024 00:12

Aw OP it will be fine.
Are you someone who bases a lot on having long hair yourself?
I don't , I cut my own quite short recently and DD just says "I don't want it as short as mummies" when I trim hers 🤣
I'm sure she'll have a good day, I doubt it'll even get commented on.

Glitterblue · 03/06/2024 00:27

I totally understand, Dd has always been a huge worrier about things like this.

Would it go into a bun? That way nobody would have any idea it was shorter. Or a French plait/2 French plaits with the ends tucked under then another bobble to secure them?

JMSA · 03/06/2024 00:28

OP, I'm not minimising this at all. BUT I have teenage girls, and I would love to go back to when they were little and I could keep them safe, and make them feel better
Please try not to sweat the small stuff for now. And hope school goes well tomorrow, as I'm sure it will

ClairDeLaLune · 03/06/2024 09:18

Did