To be worried DD won’t cope in nursery?

[Drawyourselfup]

I am due to go back to work at the end of this month, and I have had a years maternity leave. DD will be 11.5 months. I know I’m really lucky to have had this time with her but she’s incredibly clingy to me. I don’t have any support so I’ve been with her pretty much all of the time since she was born. We saw PIL last week and when they tried to hold her she sobbed - not just a bit of whingeing but really hysterical crying, trembling and reaching out for me. I only went to the toilet!

I am just really worried I’m going to have to go to work leaving her wailing for me and it’s horrible thinking of her in nursery confused and upset. I know the staff will be kind to her but I’m not sure she’ll adapt well. I’m just posting to see what it’s been like for others. She has a brother but he’s a different character and even as a baby went cheerfully into nursery without a backwards glance!

I personally don’t think nurseries are the right setting for some babies. Like you, my first child went to nursery just fine and was very happy in the company of others. I don’t like to use the word “clingy” but for the purpose of simplicity, my second child was more clingy. I tried to take her to the same nursery my son went to, she absolutely wailed through the settling in sessions, I cried as a result. The whole ordeal was awful, she didn’t want to engage with the staff at all she just wanted to bury her head in my chest and would cry if they even spoke to her.

Instead, we found a childminder. Over four weeks we went and played at her house for a couple of hours at a time before I eventually left her there for a day. She was upset at drop off but not to the extent she had been at the nursery. The childminder was fantastic and sent me photos and updates regularly on WhatsApp - managing my anxiety about the separation was just as important as helping my daughter with it. She spent 2 years going there until she went to a pre-school where she skips in and even asks to go at weekends. I think for some young babies, nursery settings are just too overwhelming. They like to have a single caregiver that they can form attachment to rather than multiple and they need more one-to-one attention.

I have to admit I haven’t been hugely impressed with the childminders I’ve seen, but in any case it’s probably a bit late to get one - I’m due back to work in 3 weeks! Plus doing two different drop offs and pick ups would be difficult to make work.

I had to leave mine about the same age at nursery when I returned to work. He was a lockdown baby, no family nearby, he was attached to me all the time. Hardly anyone had held him other than me and his dad. I'm not going to lie just to prepare you, it was horrible. He cried, for weeks at drop off, wouldn't eat, but in time he settled and was happy during the day but still cried at drop off and collection. I did think I would need to leave my job at one point. We did find daddy dropoff was much better and he cried less or not at all. You'll find your way. The mum guilt is brutal and you will feel just awful. Can you do reduced hours on your return so settling into nursery is a bit phased?

Start urgently phasing in dad as primary carer and default lead on things like bedtime routine and comforting.

If needs be, leave the house and go swimming/library/do the weekly shop so he has a build up to a scenario when you're not round the corner from him, that he can be cared for by others and that you will come back.

Are you not doing settling sessions with nursery?

I agree with this, you need to at least share care giving responsibilities so she isn't just reliant on you as the main carer. I also had a year off with Ds1 and because I knew I would be returning to work and putting him in a nursery I made sure beforehand that I left him for 10 minutes with a friend or whatever to get some separation from me.

In your case the nursery setting will have other children and new toys and be a completely different environment to home where she expects you to be ie with the toilet visit. But what choice do you have? None really in terms of returning to work. I actually scheduled it so that Ds went to nursery before I returned to work so I wasn't in work on my first day worrying about how Ds was doing.

Are there any settling in sessions scheduled?

I’d be very concerned that with three weeks until you start work your baby hasn’t been going to the nursery already, at least for settling in sessions.

My daughter was an incredibly clingy baby, who just cried and cried and cried all the time. She occasionally tolerated her dad but rarely anyone else.

I was very nervous like you, but just before she was due to start nursery I had a bad case of shingles and wasn't able to look after her so she had to cope with random family that could help for a few days. When she started nursery a couple of weeks later I was so worried but after the first week she was totally fine! We couldn't believe it. The staff had warned us it could take three months, but I just wanted to give you hope 😄

My 18 month old was like this when she started nursery at 1. Honestly I didn’t know if she’d cope.

Within a week she was completely fine and now she asks to go nursery in the mornings

Our daughter was like this with both of us, she settled into nursery very well and wasn’t upset at us not being there. It took a while to realise the crying etc only happened if one of us was there, if we weren’t she was fine, happy, giggly etc.

And @Sunshinebreeze she does two settling in sessions, one will be on the 14th and one on the 17th, to be precise. I have no idea if other nurseries typically do more or not.

Thabks for the reassurance, dad isn’t around a lot so it does rather fall on me.

I absolutely wouldn’t be happy with just two settling in sessions, especially for a baby that you’re concerned will be very upset.
You can request more, the settling in period should be an agreement you come to with the nursery, not set in stone. If she only has two settling in sessions is that one with you and one without? That’s no way near enough.

Cold be worth asking nursery to bring forward her settling in sessions so you’ve more time to play with. They will probably have experienced clingy babies.

A positive story, i had a lockdown baby and she had - and still does have at 3.5 - a real mummy preference. She settled in like a duck to water.

You have time still so some tips - we had started the shift/transition to fully 50:50 parenting as if I was at work in the times my DH was around, good 6 weeks before I went back to work and she went to nursery. I also found out their routine and did gently shift her to that before she settled in/started. I also got to know her key worker, and I've always treated them around her like an extension of our family - warm, happy. Any issues or concerns ive dealt with the manager, not the people in the room.

I was incredibly worried but my daughter was fine - she absolutely loves nursery. She was upset if i did drop off so we did the mummy separation at home as much as we could, and my DH dropped off where possible.

It's gut wrenching but baby's surprise you - it takes three weeks to solidify a new routine/habit, so give yourselves time and grace. And be really kind to yourself love xx

I could ask but it will be difficult actually fitting it in to be honest. She is familiar with the setting as her brother still attends and she comes with me on pick ups and drop offs.

Thanks @ButterflySkies - she loves being around other children so hope that will help.

Children often behave very differently when their parents aren’t around. She screams and cries when someone else holds her (eg, with the in laws) because she knows you are right there and available to her. Similar to when another parent might do bedtime when the other parent is downstairs – the child knows the other parent is there and available to them.

When at nursery, she may initially react like this, but she will know you’re not actually available, which is when many children then just get on with their day.

I personally think too many settling sessions makes the whole process much harder than it needs to be.

I am not normally offended by MN posts but that one really goes too far. However, I do know some people post here with an agenda and ultimately they are best ignored as unless your views don’t precisely align with theirs they will mercilessly insult

She’s giving context of her child’s familiarity of the setting. Of course it’s relevant if she knows the place, knows her brother who attends already and if OP will struggle with extra time out of work to be available for more sessions.

Do you have an issue with OP looking at reasons why her child’s experience might be positive rather than negative?

My wee boy was like that, we were never able to get him to settle for babysitting by GP and he'd have cried if I left the room even for a minute or two and got very upset very quickly.

I didn't have a choice but to use nursery as in laws were working full time and my family are too far away to help and I couldn't afford to cut my hours.

It was actually the making of him. I started him a good few weeks before I went back to work so I could extend his settling in period from the 2 weeks the nursery offered to 3 weeks, and he did cry the first two days on and off (he was only in for a couple of hours) then only at drop off and pick up for a couple of days but by the end of the second week (3 half days in each week) he was really settled and happy and would beam and reach out when the staff opened the door. Now at 1.5 he shouts "yay" when we pull into the car park and he's come on massively with his speech and other development. He loves playing with the other kids and he seems to be really attached to all the staff.

He's also now happy being left with grandparents so we can actually get out the odd time as a couple now and he's happy and I know he's learnt that he's safe and we will always come back for him.

It's hard having to teach them that quickly rather than letting them just figure it out in their own time but it's sometimes necessary.

Thanks @Didimum . That was my instinct actually. The problem is that for practical reasons I need to do settling in when DS is there (as I need someone to care for him.) He only does two days which only leaves me six possibly dates and two of those are settling in sessions anyway. I feel if she gets used to just being there an hour it will be harder when she does have to do full days. Ultimately if she really doesn’t settle we may have to rethink but we’re a long way from that at the moment.

It’s honestly one of the most common fears with starting nursery. Obviously you do come across children who buck the trend, but most simply just settle down and start exploring and having fun.

Is it an insult? To say that a child who has never been looked after by anyone other than their mother could probably do with more than two opportunities to become familiar with a setting/new people before they’re left with them? And that, if you instead of trying to facilitate this have said it will be “difficult to fit in”, that you aren’t as invested in trying to minimise the stress for your child as you’ve said?

It’s not an insult. Lots of parents think that it’s best to just rip the plaster off, get on with it, drop the child off, go to work, they get used to it no matter how much they cry to start with, they’ll enjoy nursery in time. That’s fine. I’m not saying that’s wrong, they’re your kids, you’re their parent. But if you’re saying you’re worried about it and have been offered a suggestion to help your child create attachments to people before being left with them, a reasonable suggestion because I and others have done so, you can’t be insulted because you don’t want to fit it in. What you are asking for is reassurance that she will settle into nursery eventually, which she will. But if you are genuinely worried about how that will be for her, then you’d want more than that reassurance. If you’re not worried about it, then fine, don’t frame it that way.

The first week was awful for my baby and me. Screaming crying shouting mama when I left, when I came back he clung and whimpered to me and didn't eat sleep or drink milk at nursery. Awful stuff. I was crying all night with guilt.

However, after a week he was cuddling the staff when he arrived and eating all his food there. He just needed to experience the routine a few times to realise only nice stuff happens and mummy comes back. He now enjoys himself and I'm glad he's there having those experiences. He occasionally cries at drop of but it's an 'I'm annoyed' not I'm scared