To be worried DD won’t cope in nursery?

[Drawyourselfup]

I am due to go back to work at the end of this month, and I have had a years maternity leave. DD will be 11.5 months. I know I’m really lucky to have had this time with her but she’s incredibly clingy to me. I don’t have any support so I’ve been with her pretty much all of the time since she was born. We saw PIL last week and when they tried to hold her she sobbed - not just a bit of whingeing but really hysterical crying, trembling and reaching out for me. I only went to the toilet!

I am just really worried I’m going to have to go to work leaving her wailing for me and it’s horrible thinking of her in nursery confused and upset. I know the staff will be kind to her but I’m not sure she’ll adapt well. I’m just posting to see what it’s been like for others. She has a brother but he’s a different character and even as a baby went cheerfully into nursery without a backwards glance!

Thanks @Didimum . Her brother will be there so hopefully that will help. I wasn’t really concerned until PIL tried to hold her a few days ago and she reacted so strongly.

No, it’s an insult to insinuate OP doesn’t care or isn’t worried enough to suit your particular tastes.

You know exactly what you’re doing. Stop getting pissy with a woman asking for advice who isn’t doing or feeling exactly what you want her to.

I get where you are coming from DS2 was the same and in some regards still is at 2 he often only wants me - I did shared parental leave he even did it with his dad when I was leaving for work from 10.5 months.

I emailed the nursery before his settling days to let them know they were really great and gave me some tips.
So we spent a few weeks talking about going to nursery. Picked a bag, made sure he had his comforter which I also had down my top for a few hours so familiar smell etc. Also he loves bubbles so I popped some in for emergency use.

If you can get your husband to do the first few drop offs it can help 3 weeks is quite a bit of notice to ask his boss etc.

Ultimately a nursery will not leave her hysterical and they are extremely good at getting babies to settle. The times when my DS has been upset going in they message me or upload onto his portal to say he settled in 10 mins then lots of pictures of him having a ball.

My baby literally cries the whole time we go through the gate to pick up my eldest until we're out again on non nursery days. That was how horrible it was.

Can you afford a nanny? Nurseries have multiple babies who are sad and frightened about being separated from their primary caregiver (which is referred to as clingy for some reason) and they can't cuddle them all. Someone's baby is always sat crying with a dummy.

I was in a settling in session and there at pick up for my eldest where I heard a mum being told her baby had settled quickly. By settled yes baby wasn't hysterical but sniffled little cries on and off the whole two and a half hours and was patted a bit and distracted enough to have a photo doing something. Certainly not happy. They just can't replace one to one care with someone the baby trusts I get that, but seem to pretend to.

I’ve never seen that in the baby area @5475878237NC . I have to walk right past it to collect DS.

Is that something you'd be able to tell from walking past an area twice a week though?

Well, it is four times a week as I drop off and pick up. I’ve certainly never seen any babies left crying. But I do know some people are just anti-nursery.

I worked in nurseries for years, some children settle quickly and others it takes much longer but usually they do. I think I only had one child in 4 years who just never settled, he only did one day a week and even after being there years he still cried all day.

At my nursery we weren't allowed to tell parents after the settling in sessions that they were upset all day, we had to always tell them positive things and try to minimise anything that wasn't positive so parents didn't always get a complete picture of how they had been, I didn't like doing it but thats what management expected.

More settling in sessions might be useful but not always I found, sometimes ripping the band aid off is the best option for some children.

Can you pick up earlier OP for the first few weeks to ease the time apart? And maybe ask the nursery staff to let your son see your baby throughout the day? That will help. Also could you wear a comforter a week beforehand so it gets your scent and send it with the baby?

@Cookiecrumblepie i teach so hopefully I should be able to get out reasonably promptly. One of the things I am worried about is the summer holiday. If she’s really struggling I don’t think I’ll have it in me to leave her crying unless I absolutely have to (eg to go to work) but I think going for four weeks then having six weeks off then starting again in September would be far too disruptive. It’s not easy!

How does Dad get to shirk his responsibilities?

@Jk987 we have different jobs with different hours and, unfortunately, different pay.

He has a young family, can he not apply for flexi working and alter his hours? Most people can at least apply by law.

OP I think just do what you can then. I mean having a child is a long term thing. She might be upset but you need to work and provide. All you can do is the best within your personal constraints. If she has a dummy or something it could help soothe or a favourite blankie? I think she’ll be fine.

@Jk987 it isn’t as simple as that. His office is the best part of an hour and a half away. So for a standard 9-530 working day he has to leave at 7 and gets back at 7 to allow for peak traffic.

In contrast, I work at a school fifteen minutes away: the nursery is five minutes from my school. Having DH ask his employers for flexi working to drop children off and pick them up at a nursery I’d have to drive right past in order to get to work isn’t likely to be thought of (by DH or anybody) as particularly sensible or practical!

And they don't do any wfh at all?

Also you don't have to give a detailed reason for a flexi working request. The specifics of drop off times and locations are not their business. Neither do the have to agree to the request but it's worth a try. A day wfh or 5 days compressed into 4 would make a difference.

He does sometimes work from home @Jk987 but I’m still not seeing it as massively sensible for him to drive fifteen minutes to nursery then home again then the same in reverse at the end of the day while I drive past the same nursery on my way in. I’m really not being unnecessarily argumentative here but I’m genuinely not seeing what that is for unless it’s to make a point of some sort, and I’m not really that sort of person.

Apart from anything else there is a consideration in terms of fuel costs if we did that.

Not all the babies will be crying and none will be left crying in a good nursery. Staff can cuddle two babies at a time, a decent manager or deputy will come in to the room and help if several children are upset.
IME (over ten years) babies tend to settle very quickly and can easily be distracted by the opportunities on offer, they usually settle more easily than an older child.
So many people act as if nursery staff are awful and don't care but they honestly do. If a child was absolutely hysterical we would call parents but you can usually tell from a settling session if they need a longer translation period. I can only recall one occasion when we had to call a parent over a baby not settling.
I know this isn't what you asked but I just wanted to offer some reassurance that the staff will not leave your baby screaming.

I didn’t think they would for a moment @Rosebel

I think @Sunshinebreeze had very valid points. Everything that has been suggested you have refuted or says can't be done. Nothing at all will work?

What hours does your Dh work? When is he home? You need to take a step back and let him do most of the caring of dd at weekends. And any evening and morning aswell, he does rather than you.

Plus whilst your reasoning for him not doing any drop-offs in the near future was because you drive past the school, you're missing the whole point that he could easily take annual leave for a couple of days and do some pick ups and drop-offs because this would actually help.

Sorry for harbouring a point!
Dropping off in the early days is difficult and emotional. If husband can do a few, it would ease the burden on you.

I'm a cm I meet families 3 to 4 times before we decide to settle in then do gradual visits over 1 or 2 months play dates, then an hour or so until baby is happy to do a full day because I'm the person they get handed to and spend the day with....what a key worker in a nursery is supposed to do but rarely does due to staffing. It's more reassuring for the lo they accept comfort from me. The number of settlings and length is determined by the child's needs.
I would talk to nursery and see if hand overs can be done with just her key worker until she's settled how many sessions will they do before a full day? Baby needs to understand your coming back with 1 minute feeling like an hour to a 1 year old a full day is a very long time so she's going to need a lot of gentle reassurance.

Can you not move her start date forward? DS started a few weeks before I went back to work so I was on hand if he wouldn't settle etc and could go and pick him up, which he didn't need in the end tbh but I felt happier knowing I wasn't going to have the stress of leaving work a few days after going back if he was really upset. It meant I was at home or doing local errands, so if necessary I could dash back.
Could she do her settling this week and start next? That way you could either do a gradual phased increase in hours or she just goes but you're around for a worst case scenario.