To be worried DD won’t cope in nursery?

[Drawyourselfup]

I am due to go back to work at the end of this month, and I have had a years maternity leave. DD will be 11.5 months. I know I’m really lucky to have had this time with her but she’s incredibly clingy to me. I don’t have any support so I’ve been with her pretty much all of the time since she was born. We saw PIL last week and when they tried to hold her she sobbed - not just a bit of whingeing but really hysterical crying, trembling and reaching out for me. I only went to the toilet!

I am just really worried I’m going to have to go to work leaving her wailing for me and it’s horrible thinking of her in nursery confused and upset. I know the staff will be kind to her but I’m not sure she’ll adapt well. I’m just posting to see what it’s been like for others. She has a brother but he’s a different character and even as a baby went cheerfully into nursery without a backwards glance!

If she’s never been looked after by anyone but you it will probably be quite a shock to her. When my dd was born during covid she hardly saw anyone else for a long time, but before she started nursery we made she had a number of days being likened after by others in the run up to get her used to it. Could you do that over the next few weeks? Even a few hours a few times would be beneficial. Otherwise she’s going to go from knowing only you to having to go 4 days a week with someone else which is quite a change.

@Oblomov24 what valid points? @Sunshinebreeze thinks that extra settling in sessions could be beneficial. I don’t think they necessarily would be but in any case that point could have been made in numerous ways that aren’t unpleasant.

The point is I do have to work, I do have to go back, she will have to be apart from me. Posting looking for reassurance about this is hardly unusual or wrong in some way.

I can’t afford to pay for nursery when I’m not working: that first month will be a bit painful anyway.

@Jk987 fair enough but I don’t think DH dropping her off and picking her up is going to be the solution here, it’s very impractical even in the short term.

My point exactly. The basic issue doesn't change.
You have to return to work. She has to go to childcare. This nursery, unless you can find another, and the childminders you weren't keen on, even if you could find another. And even then the basic point remains, she's clingy and maybe won't like separation.

Do you want any practical advice? If not just say. There's things that can be done. But if you don't want to do any, then fine.

Honestly, not if it’s going to fixate relentlessly on DH doing the drop offs and pick ups, no

What age did you send her brother to nursery?
Children get separation anxiety around 11 months.

DS was a bit younger because of Covid - I started maternity leave a little earlier so had to go back when he was 9 months. It’s probably true that it’s an age thing. Since I go back this month it’s quite pressing for me so I was just looking for a little reassurance. Advice is fine but it does have to be sensible and workable and while it may be best for DD we do have to balance her needs with everybody else’s. In other words even if it is ‘best’ for DH to do drop offs and pick ups it isn’t going to be best if we’re then struggling to pay next months mortgage (things are very tight just now.) As with all things there is a balancing act.

Thank you!

I made very reasonable suggestions for a Mum that was worried her clingy baby was going to find settling into nursery difficult. I even said I had my own very clingy baby and an older child who found nursery a breeze. It’s different for every child. With children that particularly don’t like being separated from a parent I don’t think you can expect them to spend just two settling in sessions with strangers and then leave them in their care. They are going to find it very distressing.

Any suggestion that the OP make alterations to her arrangements have been met with flat out “no”, too “difficult, or that she doesn’t see the point. Well, you asked OP?!

What the OP has responded well to are any comments that have said their baby cried or didn’t like nursery at first and now are doing better or now like it. So it seems the OP didn’t want ways to make this easier for her baby, but more reassurance that she wouldn’t have to deal with the crying at drop off for very long as it will be hard for her. I stand by that.

@Sunshinebreeze the suggestions weren’t unreasonable but what was unpleasant and needlessly spiteful was your post which MN has now deleted (so you will note it isn’t just me who thought it crossed a line.)

It is fine to say ‘have you considered this?’ But when a poster explains something doesn’t work for them, taking umbrage at that and accusing them of ‘wanting stories of children left crying’ is unfair. Few people are able to stay at home until their child turns four. Most of us are just doing our best. If DD really doesn’t settle then we can rethink, we have options, but either way, she’s going to have to go there for the first four weeks at least unfortunately. I doubt we’ll have to do anything dramatic but if we do then we do.

So what exactly were you looking for with this thread?!

It makes no sense. I said I thought you didn’t want any suggestions to make it easier for your baby and that you really wanted reassurance that she would be fine after a while even if she was distressed to start with. I’ve even given you that reassurance myself! Yes she will probably stop crying when you drop her off eventually.

I had to put both of my children into childcare at the same age as you have. There’s no judgement from me there. The opinion I’ve expressed is that knowing I have a clingy baby that will struggle with separation, I would not be happy having just two settling in sessions. I’m assuming one with you and one without you. She’s going to meet people once and then be left with them. Nurseries are flexible with this, it’s you that isn’t.

Any suggestion that has been made that could potentially make the separation easier for your baby has been met with a no, can’t consider that, it’s not practical etc.
So, like I said: you don’t want to make this easier for your baby, you want to not feel bad about it by having people tell you their baby was the same and it all turned out fine in the end. And that’s fine to want to hear that, you’ve heard it from enough people now.

@Sunshinebreeze i honestly can’t believe that you find it so odd that someone would post for a bit of reassurance.

You posted suggestions but you’ll notice others have posted suggestions that directly contradict yours. You aren’t the only person posting and your views aren’t the only ones that matter.

It is fine to say ‘I would try to get some extra settling in sessions for DD.’ That is a perfectly valid response.

But that isn’t what you said. You were expressing disapproval even early in the thread and then when I explained why extra settling in sessions wouldn’t really be possible went straight to ‘you don’t really care about your DD being upset.’ Which to be frank is an awful thing to say, and I do believe that you know that.

Suggestions are fine and always welcomed but (in general, not just this thread) if a poster explains they don’t work for her that should be accepted without horrible inferences about lack of love or care for a baby.

I would arrange some visits where you pop in with your baby for an hour here and there if they will allow it. I stayed with my DD and played in the nursery room for maybe 2 visits for an hour. I then left her for hour and worked up to a half day. My DD was also very clingy and horribly upset at first when leaving her. If she has a comforter make sure she has it with her and that the staff are aware of what it is. The staff will be used to this and a good nursery will help you settle her and make sure she has plenty of cuddles and comfort is those first few weeks of settling in. I did find it really hard and I cried as well! However a good nursery and staff are a good environment and both of mine settled in after a few weeks. By the time she was leaving to start school she didn't want to come home, I would have to chase her around the garden at nursery when she didn't want to leave!

I’d love to @Lovesgreen . The problem is that I can only realistically do so on a day DS attends and there are only six more of those (gulp!) until she starts so I am a bit limited in how much I can do that.

I am sure she will be fine but on the off chance she is not fine I will explore other options, so please don’t anyone take that as a lack of concern or love.

Why can’t you do settling in sessions for all six of the days that your DS has there before your daughter starts? Surely that’s a sensible solution?

You don’t actually want a list of things I have to do on those days, do you?

And you are breathtakingly unpleasant.

Firstly, you don’t know what those things are and secondly and probably most importantly, I don’t feel (and others agree) that this would be particularly conducive. Your view is not necessarily the right one.

I'm not sure why @Sunshinebreeze is being such an unpleasant twat to you. If I were her and genuinely thought my advice was well intended but not appreciated, I would just shrug and consider it your loss not to listen. That she's staying to be nasty and argumentative shows she's not posting in good faith.

We only had two settling in sessions for our son and he was fine. He wasn't quite as clingy as your daughter sounds, but it's a big change for any child so he still had to settle and those days were enough. The only practical suggestion is to try and increase the time she spend with others outside of the nursery setting, or possibly work on her being able to separate for slightly longer periods daily at home (eg independent play, leaving her for longer times while you do something in another room etc).

Other than that, all we can offer is reassurance that you're not doing anything wrong. Which you're not. Don't listen to the people who are getting oddly aggressive with you.

If you have 6 days available to build up the time you leave her before you return to work then definitely use them!
Even if you have to pay for the whole day and only use a couple of hours.
You need to build up her tolerance and her understanding that you always return.

I would - do an hour the first day, coming in after the morning rush so it is settled in the room
Then a couple of hours
Then leave her for a snack time/bottle feed
Then do an early morning drop off and leave her for the morning
Then early morning drop off until after lunch
Then morning to after nap.

She will probably cry hysterically for some or most of those sessions but it won't be for the whole day, and once you are building up to whole days she has realised that although it is frightening and distressing, you do return for her.

Two short settles then a whole day with nappy changes, feeds and settling for naps is pretty abrupt unless really necessary.

I can’t possibly afford that @WittyFatball . Two of those days she’s settling in anyway.

If she is crying and in distress @Sunshinebreeze then as I’ve repeatedly said we will rethink.

i don’t agree with your repeated insistence that multiple settling in sessions amounting to months before she starts are likely to be beneficial.

It's difficult to tell from your posts whether you are worried about her not coping and looking for solutions, or just that you know your current plans will be very hard on her but want reassurance that it's ok to do it anyway?

@WittyFatball i have to be honest here and say I’m really lost as to what’s hard to understand.

I have had a child go to nursery before who was fine with it. Last week my DD reacted very strongly to being away from me and it got me worried that she may struggle with nursery as a result.

Reassurance is great. That’s probably the main reason for the thread.

Advice and suggestions are welcome. But if I can’t follow those suggestions then I do think accepting that without accusing me of not actually caring about my children is crossing a line.

If it comes to it, if she really was unhappy, then I would be prepared to leave work - but that’s not something I can do immediately and I would need to make some changes to finances. Hopefully and most likely I won’t have to.

I think it will be tough on her with so little settling in sessions especially if she reacts that way to your in-laws who I presume she had met multiple times? I'd be worried too. I'd try to arrange more settling in sessions for her, why does it have to be on days your son is also in nursery though? Why can't you take your son out for a few hours whilst she settles in at nursery?

I assumed two settling in sessions was fairly standard. I certainly don’t know anyone who had more than that but the whole point is that if she’s really struggling we can do more.

She may well be fine when I’m not actually there.

It’s the summer I’m worried about as well.