To be worried DD won’t cope in nursery?

[Drawyourselfup]

I am due to go back to work at the end of this month, and I have had a years maternity leave. DD will be 11.5 months. I know I’m really lucky to have had this time with her but she’s incredibly clingy to me. I don’t have any support so I’ve been with her pretty much all of the time since she was born. We saw PIL last week and when they tried to hold her she sobbed - not just a bit of whingeing but really hysterical crying, trembling and reaching out for me. I only went to the toilet!

I am just really worried I’m going to have to go to work leaving her wailing for me and it’s horrible thinking of her in nursery confused and upset. I know the staff will be kind to her but I’m not sure she’ll adapt well. I’m just posting to see what it’s been like for others. She has a brother but he’s a different character and even as a baby went cheerfully into nursery without a backwards glance!

Are you being unreasonable to put a clingy baby into nursery without sufficient preparation? Yes, I think you are.

You and your husband aren't willing to put any more time and money in during the next month to ease the transition, that is up to you.

For reassurance, it will be hard on her and the staff but almost every baby will settle eventually.

OP, how can you consider leaving work but can’t afford to have more settling in sessions as you’ve said a few posts back?

We can’t understand how you are predicting your child will struggle with nursery but seem so unwillingly to make any adjustments to your plans at all. No one is suggesting you don’t love your child. Your unwillingness to be at all flexible leads me to say you care more about being reassured yourself than making that transition easier for your daughter. You seem to want to be told that the rip the plaster off and get on with it approach is best and your daughter will be fine. Some people have told you that. Some of us have disagreed. That’s life.

You seriously want a detailed explanation of my finances? Really? Because you’re not getting them

Two settling in sessions wasn't standard when I worked in a nursery it was 4 minimum and more if needed.

1 hour stay and play
1 hour alone
2 hours alone
4 hours alone plus a meal time

Fair enough @Luxell934 . It obviously varies and of course we can add extra ones if she needs them. What I don’t want to do is assume she’ll need numerous sessions as that can actually be more disruptive to a child. It’s a bit like when reception classes used to start part time and got used to a short day - it comes as more of a shock when they have to do a full day.

It Is absolutely fine to suggest alternative ways of approaching this but they have to be realistic ones. I can’t pretend I can afford to send her when I’m at home because I can’t: the first months fees will be quite a challenge to pay as it is as I am unpaid at the moment.

I think OP just wants to be told it'll be fine and crack on. It might be, but not because of anything OP does or doesn't do.

One thing that won't cost you any money or time is preparing with transitional object that comes back and forth and looking at photos of the setting baby will be in and the staff who will be with her in the baby room. A good nursery will prepare the latter for you.

We had longer settling in periods too stretching about 1-2 weeks depending on the child. It seems logical to me that it’s the gentlest way to do it. If it builds up slowly there’s no ‘big shock’ at the end. Why is ‘ripping off the plaster’ more child friendly?

You said you were worried about the summer. Are you planning to let her go to nursery now for 4 weeks, then 6 weeks break, then start again in September? I’d definitely go for continuity there.

@Monging im not an expert in early years so I went off what happened for DS, and he was fine, and my friends children.

If she needs more we can do that. If she really isn’t settled and I need to leave work we can do that too - although that’s not my preferred option I certainly won’t be leaving her unhappy. But none of that changes the fact that whether for one hour, two, four or a day she’ll be left. The thread was really just looking for others experiences and it did start like that but unfortunately, intended or otherwise, has become really unpleasant in tone.

Over the summer she will continue going but that’s my worry, if she is distressed I don’t think I’ll have the heart to keep sending her, and that would be more disruptive. Sorry for edit, I missed your last paragraph

Okay. Why don’t you plan out the days leading up to the nursery with time spent away from her. First few days half an hour, then a few days an hour or 45 minutes if she’s upset. That way she can gain some independence away from you.

Then I guess it would be a great idea to make the time you DO have together really count. Lean into her routine so she gets exercise, fresh air, lots of interesting activities you do with her, that she sleeps well, eats well and so on.

You can even tell her ‘mummy’s always coming back’ so she gets it.

over the summer it’s great that you have time off (also for yourself!). Definitely take her into nursery each day. I wouldn’t do an on / off thing. What I would however is let her have a shorter day and pick her up earlier (like doing morning only). Then you have time to spend 1-1. So the summer is going to be great for both of you IMO

Also I’m sure she’ll be settled long before summer.

I’d abandon this thread if I was you, OP. It seems to have attracted a lot of the judgemental, who get a kick out of feeling superior to someone who has just asked for a bit of reassurance. The whole insistence on your husband abandoning his job to settle DD at nursery is frankly batshit, and I think more about resentment on those posters’ part than any practicality.

Does your DD get on well with DS and vice versa? Since he is going to be there? Maybe a lifeline of some sort. Also I would suggest to you that it’s possible that there is a big difference between being held by an older man and by trained nursery staff, so I would not dwell on that event.

Good luck, I expect it will be fine.

Thanks.

She adores DS

I just assumed all babies were like this! Nursery had to call me back during one settling in session. It took a long time. Many babies still cried at every drop off. Don't want to be mean but it is my observation.

As an ex nursery manager it varies.
Some settle immediately and some take longer and some don't settle at all.
My own son didn't settle at all. I ended up having to get a childminder. He just needed a quieter setting. Nursery is not suitable for all children, especially babies. Keep taking her for short periods.

Best of luck OP. It's very tough but it will be ok, it may take a while. Just make sure you develop an open respectful relationship with her key worker. Very few babies don't settle at all but if you are unlucky then you'll have to pay for a private minder and manage two drop offs but there is no point in worrying about that now anymore than you can worry about potential illnesses. I work in childcare now (after working elsewhere when kids were young) and the baby room staff are usually excellent IME and will have experience with more clingy babies.

I've been doing this 30 years I've never found it more disruptive to the child obviously more disruptive for the setting and parents but that's not the priority. Reception age children have often had experience of being left and can understand more of the explanation of what's going on so yes not often needed a baby has no concept of what's going on.

I think all children are different. We’ll see how she gets on with plan A and if that is causing her problems we’ll go for B then C.

That’s terrible. What if your baby were distressed and upset all day? Wouldn’t you want to know? These parents had a right to know. You ought to have stood up to management.

The child is crying because they are sad, distressed and stressed at being taken away from their parent. Have some compassion. Pulling off the band-aid is the best option for some children — my arse!

Parents don't want to know. They have to work, they don't want to be 'guilt tripped' by nursery or called if their child is distressed - there are loads of threads on here from parents complaining that their childcare provider tells them or calls them when their child isn't settling.

What’s the alternative? I’m not sure there is one. As it is, I’ve probably got one of the better arrangements: I’m part time, have relatively short working days, won’t need wraparound care for school holidays, took the full twelve months of maternity leave to be with my daughter. It’s still not good enough, according to a lot of posters here, which does seem to suggest that only stopping work altogether is acceptable to some.

This will depend on the nursery and how good it is like anything there are not so great and bad nurseries out there. That's why it's worth doing your research on it.

My SIL also used to be a nursery practitioner including baby rooms we know to look past a care report into other aspects including staff turn over.

His older brother also goes to the same one and its pretty open plan with sections off. His older brother is very vocal and tells us everytime his brother has a cry or meltdown (usually about not wanting to put his jacket on!)

Nobody has told you to stop work altogether. What a lot of people have given you are good suggestions as to how you can make the settling-in process less distressing and stressful for your child. It’s up to you to take those suggestions on board or not.

No of course nobody has said ‘stop work altogether.’ What people have done is to insinuate and in one case say outright that by putting her in nursery and not doing it in quite the way they personally would (even though the settling in sessions are pre arranged by the nursery so I can only assume are adequate for most children.)

The main suggestion has fixated quite extensively on multiple settling in sessions, which I don’t see as making a difference to be honest, given she was screaming and trembling after a few seconds with her grandmother who she knows reasonably well.

From my point of view, I have had a place for my daughter since she was born, the standard settling in is two sessions, we are doing this in a week or so and on the back of that I don’t care about her, I only want to whine about how hard I have it as a working parent and have no concern for her whatsoever. It goes without saying those things are wrong, as well as being extremely cruel. So the alternative is - ? If a baby cries after seconds with a grandmother she knows quite well chances are she will at nursery.