Please be kind - husband not the same

[ocdstruggle]

I'll try not to drio feed but also want to get straight to the point.
4 months post partum with dd2
Two under 2
Autistic older child
I have post partum depression/anxiety/ocd
Highly suspect I am autistic (99% sure)

My husband and I have been struggling with the kids, husband works full time, can be out 6-6 some days. I am doing the main bulk of parenting alone, I do all housework/cooking/night feeds.

Lately I'm not well, my medication has stopped working basically since I had my youngest baby. I was like this when I had dd1 but with help from perinatal mental health team and the right medication I had been okay. I've had another baby and I'm back to square one.
Convinced my baby is going to die. I have to repeat certain phrases in my mind a certain amount of time before I go to sleep, I have to read news stories that pop up about tragic babies because if I don't I think the same will happen to my baby, even though reading these really distress me. I have to hang the babies clothes a certain way because again if I don't, I think something will happen to my baby.
Last time I was having visions in my head that my baby was hanging by a rope, this was highly distressing for me and really upset me, I couldn't say this out loud as it made it feel real if I did.
I thought men were following me on the street and would actively try to avoid them, I would cross the road, my heart would beat faster, I would sweat etc. I also thought dogs would snatch my baby out of the pushchair. When I was pregnant with dd1 I was very limited in what I would eat because I was petrified of contamination from food hurting my baby. It was hell to be honest and looking back I know how ill I was.

This time I've got it into my head my husband is cheating on me. I've never felt this before, he had given me no reason to think this other than I feel he's pulled away recently. Obviously we're parents to two young children, 16 months part, it's fucking hard work, toddler is very high needs, major meltdowns that are hard to handle.
We have no time for ourselves obviously.
Anyway, when I brought up the cheering thing husband flipped and walked out, he came home a few hours later. Since then we spoke and I apologised for accusing him as I realise this isn't fair, but I've also tried to get him to see that I'm not well right now.
I tend to seek reassurance from him, I will ask the same question over and over again, this drives me mad so I know my husband must not like it either, I can't help it though, I've always been the same, my older dd is the same, she will get anxious and ask questions.

Anyway tonight husband has basically said he doesn't want to be my carer, that it's like I've got special needs, he did a kind of impression of me when I repeat myself, holding his hands together, head down and repeating himself in this mocking tone. It's really fucking upset me, I feel embarrassed. I thought husband were supposed to be supportive? In sickness and health, surely this is my sickness ? I get it isn't fair to dh, having to placate me all the time and reassure me but this cheating feeling I cannot shake even though logically I know he can't be, something is still telling me that's the reason he's pulled away,
It feels like now I need to keep my thoughts to myself and not bother him with my intrusive thoughts as he is obviously judging me for the way I am at the moment. I've always thought he understood my thoughts and how my brain works, being open has always helped me.

Has anyone else been through similar? Or aibu ??

Forgot to add - I have been referred back to perinatal health team but that isn't until the end of June

I have no experience of this but don't want to read and run.

It's possible he is cheating but honestly you have no evidence of this. You are better off assuming he isn't and it's your illness making you think so. If he was there's not much you can do about it and it sounds like your illness is putting great strain on your relationship.

Think about it from his perspective. Let's assume he's not in fact cheating. How would you feel if you were him? He's right, he's not your carer. Yes you want to support your partner but there are limits.

I think you need to take a step back and try your address your illness. You may find things naturally get better with your husband but if not, when you are in a better place you will be able to discuss it more productively with him.

Have you tried CBT? I know it's less effective for anxiety than depression but it does sound like you are catastrophising, which it can help to address.

You have to let the perinatal team know immediately how you are feeling as you need to be seen as an emergency. Even at the weekend there is usually a way of contacting the mental health team, you may need to go through your local A&E. Your husband mocking you is absolutely disgraceful and unacceptable. You are doing an incredible job, essentially parenting alone. Now you need help with your mental health and must seek this urgently, waiting till the end of this month is far too long. I really wish you the very best.

This sounds absolutely horrific for you to be going through.

I can't believe he mocked you - there's no excuse for that. And saying he's 'not a carer' - is that how he sees you then? That's gutting.

Your mental health issues sound targeted around health and that of your DC (very common with PND, OCD etc) so I'd actually listen to your gut about the cheating because that seems like something else.

He gets a break from everything by going to work, you don't. Yes work can be tiring, stressful but it's not 24/7 and all consuming like parenting and the majority of responsibility falls to you.

I hope you get the help you need, I wonder if your DH is part of the problem because from what you've described he sounds awful.

Agree this is an emergency situation and end June is not early enough. I think some compassion applies to the husband though. He is working 60 hour weeks with two under two and a wife with complex urgent mental health needs.

OP, seek emergency care asap and reach out to any family or friends that can help at home.

Your DH shouldn't have mocked you like that. I'm so sorry. You're ill and it sounds like you have sought help. I agree that you should go back to your HV, GP, whoever and say that you're in crisis. I don't think this can wait another month.

In the meantime, can your DH take some annual leave to help at home? Can family/friends come to help with the older kids?

I think the difference for your DH this time is that the intrusive thought was about him - it must be hard for him to separate "she thinks this because she's ill" from "she really thinks I'd do this." I'm sure he's under a lot of stress too. This doesn't excuse what he did, but this wasn't him at his best. If this was out of character for him, I'd try to talk about how upsetting it was at a time when you're both calmer.

Sounds to me like you're both at the end of your tether. You with the kids and your anxiety. He with his work and dealing with your anxiety.
Get help, now. Tell the GP this is an emergency - it is - and you need to bring your appointment forward.
Your husband is being a dick and his comments were nasty and hurtful. Without justifying what he's said, it's important to see things from his point of view too. Right now, he's lost the person he married. Remind him that you've been here before with your anxiety, and got through it. That reassurance may help him - and you. Take him to your appointment so he can ask questions too. And however hard it feels, try as hard as you can not to mention the cheating. It's highly likely to be an unfounded concern like your other intrusive thoughts. Once you're well again, if you still think he's cheating, you can address that then, but I rather suspect there will be no need.
Oh and sending a virtual hug.

You need to get professional help today - it's really not fair to expect your DH to constantly reassure and placate you about your anxieties.

He's not a mental health professional. It's not his job to fix you.

Get help today as PPs say.

Re your husband, he wasn’t judging you. He was failing under the same strains you are struggling with.

You are both collapsing under the strain, please seek help. Blaming him is adding to your problems, rather than resolving them.

this.

This is an awful situation and nobody's fault, and we all do and say things we regret in those kind of stressful situations. Please get help ASAP OP - do you have an emergency number for the perinatal MH team, or can your husband find one today? If not, contact them or your GP first thing tomorrow. I hate to ask this, but do you have any feelings of s*uicide/ending it all? If so, please go to A&E today. You are really ill, and you need the same urgent care and support as any other really ill person. Well done for being able to recognise you need help. Virtual hugs xx

You have severe and complex mental illness and you need urgent help. Honestly what your husband is or isn't doing in term of potential cheating is very low down on the list of priorities right now. The hallucinations and other extreme symptoms could be as a result of your compulsions and anxiety - or they could even be signs of postpartum psychosis. Obviously not trying to diagnose a stranger over the internet- just saying it sounds very, very serious and like you need to go to A&E today/ call the local mental health crisis team and show them all of this detail.

You must be exhausted and scared and I'm so sorry this is happening. It will not always be this way x

Dear @ocdstruggle please please get some very heavy duty help right away. You are very unwell (which you know) and you can’t continue like this, you have 2 lovely children to care for and a husband.

What your husband did was very hurtful but try to see it as just everything bubbling over. You’re both living in a very difficult situation right now. I think you must agree that he is having to take a partial role as a carer for a condition that he knows nothing about.

Please talk to him about having a few family ocd therapy sessions. By giving you the reassurance you are seeking he’s perpetuating your illness (this is a little simplistic).

You sound extremely ill, can you afford a residential stay, this would really be the best treatment? If not then a heavy duty outpatient program with specialists. If not then get an urgent GP appointment and referral.
I agree with previous poster that this may warrant an emergency admission, you quite probably don’t realise quite how ill you are.

Get some urgent help, OP. Don’t wait until your appointment. You need support with your MH.

I will ask the same question over and over again, this drives me mad so I know my husband must not like it either, I can't help it though, I've always been the same, my older dd is the same, she will get anxious and ask questions

Now this ^^ is something counselling or CBT might help. The priority is sorting your MH but when you feel able, neutralising that anxiety, which sounds very longterm (“I’ve always been the same”) will not only help you enormously, it will stop your DD developing this habit too (and yes, it is a habit and it can be improved).

Even the most patient partner would get irritated at constant repetitions of the same question. I know you can’t help it at the moment, but you will be able to hugely reduce this with help. That will help your relationship with your husband enormously; will help your poor DD who’s copying you; and will honestly free you from the prison of repetitive questioning.

I very much doubt your DH is cheating. You know you’re imagining things that aren’t true, and this is just another one of those. Forget it and concentrate on sorting out your MH.

Please try and see a doctor or perinatal health team ASAP.

Do you have a friend or a family member who could come and help you today? Another pair of hands plus someone else to chat to?

Would calling the Samaritans help?

It’s horrible that your husband lashed out like that but you are both going through a LOT and no one is perfect.

OP, you sound exhausted, vulnerable and very ill.

You ask if it’s reasonable that you should be able to articulate your thoughts to your husband, and ordinarily the answer would be yes, of course. But if those thoughts are to obsessively accuse him of cheating because you’re in an anxiety/OCD spiral, can you not see how exhausting it must be for him, especially if he’s just done a 12 hour day and you’re also dealing with an under-2 SEN toddler plus a newborn?

It was really shitty of him to mock you, but it sounds like the situation is intolerable and you are both at breaking point.

As everyone has said, you need to prioritise getting emergency help for your MH, and he needs to support you in that. I’m really sorry you’re struggling.

Op, of course your husband shouldn’t have mocked, but he sounds like he’s at the end of his tether and can’t take any more, we are all human, and our reactions are not always something to cover us in glory, we are not all perfect all the time.

i understand it’s hard, but it’s important to see it also from his perspective to understand his reactions, it is more likely he is pulling away as he is also struggling. This is understandable. Yes you’re sick, but this doesn’t mean he has just become your support network and he doesn’t matter. He is a person too. You’re in it together,

seek help, tell them end of June isn’t quick enough, and try to forgive your husband and work with him,

Your husbsand’s delivery was unkind but his message was fair and I suspect he’s reached
his limit. It is NOT his responsibility to soothe and comfort you. You must do it for yourself. You need cbt ASAP so you can learn how.

Another one saying that you need urgent mental health support today not at the end of June. In the first instance can you contact your local mental health crisis team, honestly based on where you are at currently you may benefit from a period of section with your baby to support you through this really heightened period and get your medication under control. You really need to be honest with them about all your symptoms - if you can't talk about them in person if you show them what you have written on here that will be so helpful for them in getting you the right level of support. Please focus on getting the help you need to get well again, the rest can wait and will be easier to address when you are. Sending you lots of strength.

I don’t think your husband was wrong there. I have suffered from severe anxiety and my husband also told me he couldn’t be my carer, couldn’t answer the same questions endlessly. He didn’t do an impression of me though. But I did see a therapist and I told her he had said that and she seemed to understand. I also wouldn’t want him to be my carer. You do need help and I hope you get it.

I urge you to seek help immediately. My colleague suffered post partum psychosis and was very unwell for a time. Your symptoms aren't dissimilar.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds absolutely horrendous for you and it must be extremely difficult.

I can see that you are upset by what your husband said/did. He has not approached this well. However, I think he is also struggling under extremely difficult circumstances and, like you, is at the end of his tether with it all.

You need to seek support today - via A&E if needs be. You are in crisis and need urgent help.

Are there any friends/relatives you can call to come and help for a bit? Perhaps someone to support today will take the pressure off slightly.

It may not be straightforward to access the local crisis team OP. If so, NHS111 may be able to arrange for you to be seen by mental health specialist at A&E, OP.

They did this for someone I know recently.

I agree with PPs, you sound really quite unwell and in need of urgent help. While your DH hasn't handled this in the best way, he may not have appreciated the extent to which your MH is deteriorating.

Agree. Whilst obviously your partner should always try to be as supportive as possible, it can be exhausting and draining being with someone who constantly has high anxiety. It eventually sucks all joy out of life. You need help, and it’s good you’ve sought it out.

You're both utterly exhausted, and you are suffering unbearably with your own illness. Caring for two highly complex needs children when you yourself have complex needs and are doing this solo all day must be intolerable.

Has the OCD been formally diagnosed?

About your husband - he chose to do a horrible, mean thing mocking the one person he's supposed to support. So why was that.

Is it that he is a horrible mean person?

Or is it that he's also at breaking point?

Was the decision to have a second baby when you knew both yourself and the first have very complex needs a joint decision? Something you wanted - but he didn't? Or an accident?

He is at the end of his tether working 60 hour weeks and you don't know what pressures he might be under at work. Coming home to no rest or respite with a whole other raft of responsibilities and pressures the second he walks through the door.

The thread about 'tell me you have an ND child' gives a chilling look at what it's like to parent ND toddlers, children, teens. This won't change.

Can you get any further help or referrals from your HV or GP? Are there grandparents or siblings you could call on? Does DH's work know what pressures he's under? Can he get special leave of any sort? How is his mental and physical health?

Wishing you all the best.