Please be kind - husband not the same

[ocdstruggle]

I'll try not to drio feed but also want to get straight to the point.
4 months post partum with dd2
Two under 2
Autistic older child
I have post partum depression/anxiety/ocd
Highly suspect I am autistic (99% sure)

My husband and I have been struggling with the kids, husband works full time, can be out 6-6 some days. I am doing the main bulk of parenting alone, I do all housework/cooking/night feeds.

Lately I'm not well, my medication has stopped working basically since I had my youngest baby. I was like this when I had dd1 but with help from perinatal mental health team and the right medication I had been okay. I've had another baby and I'm back to square one.
Convinced my baby is going to die. I have to repeat certain phrases in my mind a certain amount of time before I go to sleep, I have to read news stories that pop up about tragic babies because if I don't I think the same will happen to my baby, even though reading these really distress me. I have to hang the babies clothes a certain way because again if I don't, I think something will happen to my baby.
Last time I was having visions in my head that my baby was hanging by a rope, this was highly distressing for me and really upset me, I couldn't say this out loud as it made it feel real if I did.
I thought men were following me on the street and would actively try to avoid them, I would cross the road, my heart would beat faster, I would sweat etc. I also thought dogs would snatch my baby out of the pushchair. When I was pregnant with dd1 I was very limited in what I would eat because I was petrified of contamination from food hurting my baby. It was hell to be honest and looking back I know how ill I was.

This time I've got it into my head my husband is cheating on me. I've never felt this before, he had given me no reason to think this other than I feel he's pulled away recently. Obviously we're parents to two young children, 16 months part, it's fucking hard work, toddler is very high needs, major meltdowns that are hard to handle.
We have no time for ourselves obviously.
Anyway, when I brought up the cheering thing husband flipped and walked out, he came home a few hours later. Since then we spoke and I apologised for accusing him as I realise this isn't fair, but I've also tried to get him to see that I'm not well right now.
I tend to seek reassurance from him, I will ask the same question over and over again, this drives me mad so I know my husband must not like it either, I can't help it though, I've always been the same, my older dd is the same, she will get anxious and ask questions.

Anyway tonight husband has basically said he doesn't want to be my carer, that it's like I've got special needs, he did a kind of impression of me when I repeat myself, holding his hands together, head down and repeating himself in this mocking tone. It's really fucking upset me, I feel embarrassed. I thought husband were supposed to be supportive? In sickness and health, surely this is my sickness ? I get it isn't fair to dh, having to placate me all the time and reassure me but this cheating feeling I cannot shake even though logically I know he can't be, something is still telling me that's the reason he's pulled away,
It feels like now I need to keep my thoughts to myself and not bother him with my intrusive thoughts as he is obviously judging me for the way I am at the moment. I've always thought he understood my thoughts and how my brain works, being open has always helped me.

Has anyone else been through similar? Or aibu ??

@ocdstruggle. As has been said by other posters, you are in the midst of a significant mental health crisis and you need to seek help immediately. You need a proper diagnosis of exactly what’s going on because although you think this is just OCD/ASD and you’ve ’always been like this’ your intrusive thoughts, catastrophising and evident struggle do in fact pose a danger to you and your children. It is irresponsible to say that you have always been like this when you could possibly be experiencing psychosis. You are not thinking straight and it is absolutely imperative that you seek urgent help.

I am glad that your husband hugged you this morning and that you obviously feel a bit better about it but his behaviour was symptomatic of the huge mental health elephant in the room. His delivery was cruel but he sounds under so much strain. It is not fair for your husband to feel like your ‘carer’. Surely you don’t want this dynamic? Surely you want to get better?

PLEASE seek help today. You have reached crisis point and with the proper care and attention you can get better and be the best version of you for both yourself and your family.

You understand I suspect why that’s very damaging for kids, there is no way to hide it, and it will make them anxious and fearful. Call 101, you have got better before, and you can again, don’t worry,

I don’t know if you’re aware but CBT unless modified does not work for autistic women and girls. You need DBT, but firstly you need help from the perinatal team. I cannot believe that they didn’t put this in place shortly before you gave birth as you experienced it with your toddler, rather than letting you get to this point. I’m really sorry that your family has been let down so badly. You need to ask your partner to call the crisis team and explain your symptoms so they can come and assess you today before the symptoms get worse.
Best of luck.

I’m of a similar disposition to you and also used to constantly worry about something happening to DC, though I didn’t have the OCD element. I second others in suggesting you get support on a medical level or at least speak to your GP on Monday.
I used to do the same thing with news stories as well, even though it was distressing. I used to think ‘if I know what happened then I can make sure it doesn’t happen to mine’. I have developed strategies to help myself including setting screen-time limits on certain websites so that I can’t access them (can do this on iPhone very easily) so bbc news etc is off-limits, and I also don’t watch the news or listen to it. I also limit Mumsnet too! I want to tell you that it CAN get better.
I talk to people in real life about anxieties as it’s really helpful to get it out in the open. A course of talking therapy is also a good call, and doing things that you find relaxing every day. For example I found it helpful to listen to long audiobooks out loud that were totally “safe” like pleasant travel diaries or endless PG Wodehouse books. Sounds silly but it helped to avoid my mind wondering to worries.
In fairness to your DH I think he’s just utterly exhausted and deeply upset at the “cheating” thing, he sounds like he would also be supportive of you getting the help you need but he can’t do it for you, you need to do it yourself. Best wishes.

Agree with PP, you need to be admitted for urgent care and DH needs to take on both kids until you are well enough. It’s not good enough expecting you to just improve. Would he expect you to cure your own cancer if God forbid you had it?

This. It sounds like he is struggling too

@ocdstruggle I feel like after this thread you are going to do precisely nothing about it … therefore nothing will change

I'd be seeking a referral to the crisis team. You can't cope with this until the end of June especially without the support of your DH.

This.

I think it’s unfair. Her DH sounds very supportive but he can’t be her carer or therapist.

I'm going to call my gp first thing and see if they can hurry the referral along, is that possible ?
I don't think it's fair for someone to say I'm going to do precisely nothing, my dh isn't an angel you know, while yes it's unfair for him to carry my burden, he's also my husband and he took a vow to stick by me. If this was the other way around I would be supportive, infact I am supportive of him and his many mood swings and miserable moods he goes into which are nothing to do with me.
I have recognised I'm not well, I have been here before, I know the signs hence me already speaking to the gp, taking medication and also reaching out on here for support.

I also think you need to be seen as an emergency. What you're describing could become dangerous for you and your baby.

Your husband isn't cheating but you know that. You just can't cope with your head right now, which is fine.

Mocking you was not your husband's finest hour at all. I would let it pass this once as he's probably beside himself with worry about the situation.

You need to be seen by the crisis team. I don't know the best way of accessing that - doctor on call/A and E? Emphasise the psychotic element of this - that you believe you're being watched etc.

Ok, I haven't read the whole thread- but -

Did you use gas and air during labour? Have you had your vit b12 level checked?

It can cause some of the symptoms you are feeling and is depleted by gas and air. x

I'm not condemning him. If he's not able to support (reasonable considering the severity and how much he's struggling too) then she needs professional help immediately.

Good luck with the GP. Please be totally honest. You need help.

I did use gas and air yes. No idea about my vitamin levels.

I don't think I need the crisis team - I think there are ladies out there who I would be taking help from. I'm still capable of looking after myself and my children, running the house etc. it's mainly night time when these thoughts come as I'm not as busy then - and everything always seems worse at night I think

From what I understand the system's a bit different from where i live, but could your GP review your medication or do you have to wait for the perinatal team? Post partum after my last DC I needed a higher dose of my mediation for it to be effective.

My friend's husband suffers from mental illnesses- he is autistic and has depression and OCD which flares up when his depression is bad. For long periods, when things are good, much of this is barely noticeable.

However, there have been three or four periods over the years of severe depression and I don't know how she has stayed. The depression seems to tip all of his other issues into overdrive. He becomes obsessive over things- fixated on ideas, convinced he knows the truth of something or that something he fears is true, and will repeat the same question over and over for reassurance from hearing the same answer- except it doesn't reassure him. He develops very mannered-behaviour- will sit with his hands together almost like a prayer and his head down and eyes closed repeating phrases very quietly that he takes some comfort from. He develops patterns of doing things and can not do them any other way. An example is he has to walk around the kitchen table 3 times anti-clockwise before he sits down and when he gets up. It is bizarre to be in the room when this happens because nothing can distract him from it. If he gets up to go to the fridge door or get a glass of water he does it, not just at the start and end of a meal. It means she tries to anticipate anything he might possibly need so he stays in his seat. The DC will not sit at the table with him.

She is incredibly patient but admits it has pushed her to breaking point often and that she hates it and finds it completely off-putting and irritating. She says feels like his carer and becomes really impatient at times with him and has to go out of the house to get away from it. It goes on 24/7 at its worst. They have two teenagers who find it embarrassing and will not go out with him or have friends home when he is very ill and spend all of their time in their rooms.

Medication and counselling (CBT I think) eventually works although it takes a while as the medication always needs rebalancing. Once he is under good treatment the difference is staggering- he functions incredibly well and is a lovely, funny, kind person and a fantastic dad.

I don't think you should under-estimate how hard this is on your husband- he was frustrated and didn't behave in the kindest way but I bet he is struggling.

You need help now- not in a month's time. It's a very long time to be trapped in this situation for you and will exacerbate your thinking and worries and behaviour. Can you or you and your husband make a fuss about this and highlight the strain it is placing on you? You really shouldn't be waiting a month to even start the process.

The situation sounds horrible for you and your family, does your health authority have a mental health crisis team. The help I got from my borough crisis team was such a relief and almost immediate.

sorry, I see you think you don't need the crisis team, but they are there to help everyone in need

Ok sorry

The intrusive thoughts and visions sound awful OP - I had this in the past so I know what you’re going through a little there.

You MUST go to your GP and describe them, and explain how they’re negatively impacting your life by making you permanently afraid.

The GP may be able to prescribe something. In my case a 2 week course of antipsychotics solved it (although they do make you very tired).

@ocdstruggle with kindness, the best people to tell you that you don't need the crisis team are the crisis team. It needn't take long and they can signpost other sources of support if they don't think you meet their criteria. Best of luck

If you can't get to a&e then please call PANDAS on 0808 1961 776 mon - Fri 10am-5pm
You deserve lots and help and support to get better.

You are not alright, hence your dh's reaction. Call the crisis team, take responsibility for yourself.