Please be kind - husband not the same

[ocdstruggle]

I'll try not to drio feed but also want to get straight to the point.
4 months post partum with dd2
Two under 2
Autistic older child
I have post partum depression/anxiety/ocd
Highly suspect I am autistic (99% sure)

My husband and I have been struggling with the kids, husband works full time, can be out 6-6 some days. I am doing the main bulk of parenting alone, I do all housework/cooking/night feeds.

Lately I'm not well, my medication has stopped working basically since I had my youngest baby. I was like this when I had dd1 but with help from perinatal mental health team and the right medication I had been okay. I've had another baby and I'm back to square one.
Convinced my baby is going to die. I have to repeat certain phrases in my mind a certain amount of time before I go to sleep, I have to read news stories that pop up about tragic babies because if I don't I think the same will happen to my baby, even though reading these really distress me. I have to hang the babies clothes a certain way because again if I don't, I think something will happen to my baby.
Last time I was having visions in my head that my baby was hanging by a rope, this was highly distressing for me and really upset me, I couldn't say this out loud as it made it feel real if I did.
I thought men were following me on the street and would actively try to avoid them, I would cross the road, my heart would beat faster, I would sweat etc. I also thought dogs would snatch my baby out of the pushchair. When I was pregnant with dd1 I was very limited in what I would eat because I was petrified of contamination from food hurting my baby. It was hell to be honest and looking back I know how ill I was.

This time I've got it into my head my husband is cheating on me. I've never felt this before, he had given me no reason to think this other than I feel he's pulled away recently. Obviously we're parents to two young children, 16 months part, it's fucking hard work, toddler is very high needs, major meltdowns that are hard to handle.
We have no time for ourselves obviously.
Anyway, when I brought up the cheering thing husband flipped and walked out, he came home a few hours later. Since then we spoke and I apologised for accusing him as I realise this isn't fair, but I've also tried to get him to see that I'm not well right now.
I tend to seek reassurance from him, I will ask the same question over and over again, this drives me mad so I know my husband must not like it either, I can't help it though, I've always been the same, my older dd is the same, she will get anxious and ask questions.

Anyway tonight husband has basically said he doesn't want to be my carer, that it's like I've got special needs, he did a kind of impression of me when I repeat myself, holding his hands together, head down and repeating himself in this mocking tone. It's really fucking upset me, I feel embarrassed. I thought husband were supposed to be supportive? In sickness and health, surely this is my sickness ? I get it isn't fair to dh, having to placate me all the time and reassure me but this cheating feeling I cannot shake even though logically I know he can't be, something is still telling me that's the reason he's pulled away,
It feels like now I need to keep my thoughts to myself and not bother him with my intrusive thoughts as he is obviously judging me for the way I am at the moment. I've always thought he understood my thoughts and how my brain works, being open has always helped me.

Has anyone else been through similar? Or aibu ??

@ocdstruggle you don’t need a gp in a month or a chat on here. We all want to help but you are minimising and ignoring all the posts saying how serious this is.
You need the crisis team, maybe a&e, or an emergency doctors/midwife appointment for urgent assessment for post natal psychosis

He gets a break from everything by going to work, you don't. Yes work can be tiring, stressful but it's not 24/7 and all consuming like parenting and the majority of responsibility falls to you.

You have absolutely no idea what his job is yet see it as 'a break'. How many jobs out there are a bit of a laid back no hassle jolly?

The OP does not need to be told off or told what to do. She is aware of her mental state and seeking help. She may be right that calling the crisis team is not appropriate right now. OP, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, I have been on both sides myself and I'm glad that your husband has reassured you this morning.
It does sound like OCD (not hallucinations as far as I can tell from your post).
You know somewhere inside yourself that your fears are extreme and misplaced, and that you can get back to your normal way of thinking.
Of course no one person can take on all of your problems, but I believe that we do need people, and we can expect our partners to support us through difficult times.
You probably know though that asking for and giving “reassurance" for ocd type fears only feeds the condition: your husband could support you by educating himself about the condition and knowing better how to react to the questions.

These are the only things from that list.
I don't not eat, I just eat very well these days and don't snack on crap, but my appetite has reduced to what it was.

I am tearful - a lot of that I believe is down to being exhausted.

The suspicions about the affair did come out of absolutely nowhere.

I have thoughts about my baby coming to harm but I do not think about harming her.

I don't think I have psychosis

Exactly! Is it only on mn that the person who works outside of the house is the lucky one having the relaxing time?!

To be honest his job isn't as hard as having two under 2. That is brutal. I can't even go for a piss without getting screamed at. They don't sleep at the same time, it's actually like they're in tune when one drops off the other wakes up, every.single.time
He can have a lunch break, a cup of tea, go to the toilet. My life is bottles, nappies, making food, listening to the older ones constant going on and on about their latest special interest and running around the kitchen table stimming their face off with the toddler chasing them.
Then there is all the housework I have to try and do inbetween all this. I wish I could go out to work and see some adults

The only thing l would I say is bizarre and that worries me is at night when I lay down and have put the baby in her crib, I have to repeat "cold babies cry, hot babies die" when I say this in my head I have to move my eyes from left to right.
I then also have to say SIDS spell it out and then say sudden infant death Syndrome. It's fucking horrendous. I feel sick saying these words. I hate it and I want it to stop.
I had similar before and the mental health team didn't seem concerned about it because I wasn't having thoughts of harming myself or my kids. But that isn't fucking normal.

I’m sorry you are going through this.
i have not read the whole thread but i suggest you contact a charity called APP. They have a helpline, call them.

https://www.app-network.org/

Sorry, copying this page here for you too. Please call them.

https://www.app-network.org/get-help/urgent-help-for-postpartum-psychosis/

None of us can tell if you have psychosis or OCD, and I am not a clinician, but from what you are describing it does sound like ocd like intrusive thoughts, which can occur postpartum.

I found that organisations like ocd action were very helpful, and have an online community of people more likely to understand the issue.
I'm sure the organization posted above would be helpful to signpost you to appropriate help.

@ocdstruggle re the suspicion that you have autism, have you asked for an assessment? I think it would be helpful as it almost certainly feeds into your MH difficulties and also impacts treatment.

It's not a surprise CBT hasn't felt helpful as this often needs some adaptations for people with autism.

I'm sorry that things are so hard for all of you and hope you can get some more urgent support.
I can absolutely see that your husband is under pressure too but mocking you is an awful thing to do. I hope he's really sorry for doing that.

@heretodestroyyou He is, he said sorry for it, it was out of character for him to be honest especially the special needs comments.
Would the peri natal team be able to organise an asd assessment ?

As others have said, you need urgent medical help.

However I wanted to add the thing I haven’t seen others respond to - CBT doesn’t work with autistic people (or its effectiveness is very limited if there is any impact at all).

There absolutely will be help for you out there. Don’t give up. CBT wasn’t right for you and that’s why it didn’t work.

You seem very keen to have asd and not very keen to entertain other things. You urgently need a professional opinion on how best to help you. Imagining men are following you and having recurring images of terrible things happening is not normal. Googling things yourself is no help - we could all diagnose ourselves with anything using Dr Google! If you are serious about your family’s wellbeing, urgently seek medical help and don’t hold back when you explain how much you’re struggling. Best of luck OP 💐

This is really concerning, I think you should really not be focusing on getting an asd diagnosis, I understand you want that to explain your behaviour, but I’d urgently see a doctor and explain all the things you do. From what your husband described, the head down, hands clasped, repeating questions, to the tearfulness, the reduced appetite, the imaginary cheating, to this saying things, and the intrusive thoughts you have, let them decide.

Posters like the above seem very cruel, as they're feeding OP's anxieties to validate their typical Mumsnet Cheating Male Agenda. Perhaps they have been cheated on themselves and are now projecting it everywhere.

How cruel and disgusting you are. It's a moment's satisfaction and vindication for you re: your agenda, but you're putting OP in hell.

OP thinks men are following her on the street, dogs are going to eat her baby and her baby will be hung. I hardly think any non-psychiatrists are in the position to decide for her which of her anxieties are based on reality and which aren't. None of us know which are and which aren't, and what the scope of her usual delusions/hallucinations are.

Sure, her husband may be an unsupportive dick or drained, but don't go telling a mentally ill person to trust their instincts when the instincts may be delusions. It may escalate with deadly consequences as well, as I have seen in other patients with hallucinations/delusions who have decided to "trust their instincts".

Could not agree with you more.

This was my experience with DC2 but with DC1 I was fine. It was so unexpected, I was so excited about maternity leave a d the new baby. DC1 is Aspergers/high functioning (F 11) and only after DC2 (needs a full time assigned assistant to start reception) (F 4) did I realise I'm autistic. Was already diagnosed with ADHD at 29, now 42. Lots of very similar points. My experience was that there was no help for postnatal anxiety/OCD.
With DC2 I had a lovely doctor tell me that she went through the same (this was in IC after haemorrhaging around 2 weeks post csection). She sat on the bed and hugged me as I explained that I couldn't sleep due to fear over baby. DH was holding her but in and put of napping and she couldn't sleep in the bedside cot due to acid reflux (GERD that both me and her big sister have, angle of cot could not be higher at time, not yet diagnosed so no baby gaviscon or alginate, etc.). She literally empathised and told me her own sad story a d then popped her head in as and when until I left next day. Everyone else just wrote it down. During first stay the midwife team told me that they have volunteers to hold baby for you so you can sleep. All vetted and DBS checked. That is insane advice to someone that's already losing it, obviously. They don't trust themselves ffs. I think that we all expect better care to be there if the woman asks and is open about her needs. It is not the case for all women.
I hope your husband understands and comes round a bit. I think telling your friends and family may help get the message through in a unbiased way. That is, of course, if you have family and friends that are unbiased.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry I haven't really helped with my waffle but I'm here for a hand hold. Things will get better.

I have ocd that presents similar to yours, worse so when I'm postnatal.

Ring the pcmht Monday and ask for your appointment to be brought forward.

If you cannot keep yourself safe then go toa&e.

Get well soon x

Hi, I work in Perinatal MH and I would encourage you to call your local team's duty line tomorrow to speak with someone, hopefully you will be able to expedite the assesment especially as you've been under them before.

I also agree speak to your GP tomorrow have they restarted the meds that worked for you last time? To be honest I would have hoped you'd have continued on them throughout this pregnancy as there's only 16m between the two DC, but hindsight etc.

Your husband sounds like he needs some support too, extreme mood swings etc would be good to encourage him to visit his GP too.

Well done for reaching out for support and all you are doing as a Mum, perinatal OCD is a horrible illness but you can, and will, get better with the right treatment.

Take care, remember to be kind to yourself.

Sorry you’re going through this. Instead of CBT have you tried the rapid eye movement trauma therapy? That may be more helpful for you.