Please be kind - husband not the same

[ocdstruggle]

I'll try not to drio feed but also want to get straight to the point.
4 months post partum with dd2
Two under 2
Autistic older child
I have post partum depression/anxiety/ocd
Highly suspect I am autistic (99% sure)

My husband and I have been struggling with the kids, husband works full time, can be out 6-6 some days. I am doing the main bulk of parenting alone, I do all housework/cooking/night feeds.

Lately I'm not well, my medication has stopped working basically since I had my youngest baby. I was like this when I had dd1 but with help from perinatal mental health team and the right medication I had been okay. I've had another baby and I'm back to square one.
Convinced my baby is going to die. I have to repeat certain phrases in my mind a certain amount of time before I go to sleep, I have to read news stories that pop up about tragic babies because if I don't I think the same will happen to my baby, even though reading these really distress me. I have to hang the babies clothes a certain way because again if I don't, I think something will happen to my baby.
Last time I was having visions in my head that my baby was hanging by a rope, this was highly distressing for me and really upset me, I couldn't say this out loud as it made it feel real if I did.
I thought men were following me on the street and would actively try to avoid them, I would cross the road, my heart would beat faster, I would sweat etc. I also thought dogs would snatch my baby out of the pushchair. When I was pregnant with dd1 I was very limited in what I would eat because I was petrified of contamination from food hurting my baby. It was hell to be honest and looking back I know how ill I was.

This time I've got it into my head my husband is cheating on me. I've never felt this before, he had given me no reason to think this other than I feel he's pulled away recently. Obviously we're parents to two young children, 16 months part, it's fucking hard work, toddler is very high needs, major meltdowns that are hard to handle.
We have no time for ourselves obviously.
Anyway, when I brought up the cheering thing husband flipped and walked out, he came home a few hours later. Since then we spoke and I apologised for accusing him as I realise this isn't fair, but I've also tried to get him to see that I'm not well right now.
I tend to seek reassurance from him, I will ask the same question over and over again, this drives me mad so I know my husband must not like it either, I can't help it though, I've always been the same, my older dd is the same, she will get anxious and ask questions.

Anyway tonight husband has basically said he doesn't want to be my carer, that it's like I've got special needs, he did a kind of impression of me when I repeat myself, holding his hands together, head down and repeating himself in this mocking tone. It's really fucking upset me, I feel embarrassed. I thought husband were supposed to be supportive? In sickness and health, surely this is my sickness ? I get it isn't fair to dh, having to placate me all the time and reassure me but this cheating feeling I cannot shake even though logically I know he can't be, something is still telling me that's the reason he's pulled away,
It feels like now I need to keep my thoughts to myself and not bother him with my intrusive thoughts as he is obviously judging me for the way I am at the moment. I've always thought he understood my thoughts and how my brain works, being open has always helped me.

Has anyone else been through similar? Or aibu ??

Can you get help from family and friends with your babies? Is there a child minder to help? can ye pay someone for extra help till you feel better?

OP

You are not your OCD, the OCD is not you.

Please try to see it that your partner was mocking the OCD and not you.

Your DP should try not to offer you reassurance when the OCD questions him, but that is so incredibly difficult.

Please reach out for help from your post natal care team /GP/ community mental health team / OCD charities

You are stronger then the OCD

Sending you so much love from my kitchen table x

I can see both sides for you, it's so upsetting for you, but he sounds like he's just had enough.

I think you need treatment urgently.

https://ocdaction.org.uk/

https://www.ocduk.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/self-care-for-ocd/

Thank you everyone.
This morning my husband has given me a hug, said he is here for me, that it's the repetition of the questions that is getting to him (which I do understand) I wish my brain would just stop doing it... I've never been able to take the first answer. It's not with everyday things, it's always about things that are making me deeply anxious/insecure.
I've had cbt 4 times, it's never worked !! If it was so simple to make myself think differently about things, then I wouldn't have this problem in the first place. I wish I could just say to myself to think differently.

The thoughts of my baby dying are the worst thing, it distresses me so much, I feel physically sick when these thoughts of her coming to harm pop into my head, and they are all consuming, rather than it just being a fleeting thought where I bat it away, I can't do that right now, I know it's because my medication has stopped working.
I agree end of June is ridiculous, I thought they were supposed to see you quicker than that ??

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. As others have said, please contact the NHS team as soon as possible, you may be suffering from perinatal psychosis (really not as scary as it sounds, and more common than people realise). It's very brave and self aware of you to know your symptoms. These charities might be able to help - https://www.app-network.org/ and https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Your husband might need help too. It sounds like a very difficult situation. He is also human, we expect fathers to deal with postpartum but it sounds like he might be feeling stress and depression too (none of this is your fault of course). If he is acting out of character, it might be that he needs to talk to a professional.

Keep talking.

I get the questions. I’m the same but eventually with the help of cbt and my DH gently refusing to keep answering I realise that it feeds the cycle and makes it worse to keep asking and getting the responses. By answering your husband is inadvertently making it worse.

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/when-reassurance-seeking-becomes-compulsive

I know you said cbt didn’t work but are you really trying to break the loop

Just for right now, it doesn’t really matter if your husband is cheating. If he is, you can deal with it once you are healthy. Yes, he is being a jerk right now. there really is anything you can do about that for the moment. You need to focus your energy elsewhere.

You need to reach out to your mental health support and let them know the full details of your current situation. Giving them your posts to read would be a simple way to make sure you quickly relay all the information. Especially if you are autistic, it is very easy to fail to communicate verbally or to downplay the situation in person.

The NHS is under massive stress BUT you need help now.
I would keep begging for help. If your doctors has an online referral thing I'd keep sending them updates on how bad it is.
I would also investigate what kind of emergency mental health provision there is, where I used to live there was a crisis room you called just turn up at. And do go to A and E if necessary.
I would also talk to your health visitor - this is one of the things they should be looking for.
And yes your husband is under pressure too, is his employer at all understanding? Do you have a support network?
(And CBT often doesn't work with ND people, so do bring this up as well.)

You are both struggling. Those who live with those with mental illness are also under extraordinary stress. You behaved inappropriately (accused him of cheating, constantly repeating stuff at him over and over and over) due to your current mental state. He also behaved inappropriately (mocking) due to his current state.

No one is the baddy here. Everyone has a limit of what they can cope with. You are both exhausted. Please seek help

Absolutely to both and this is highly concerning will ask the same question over and over again, this drives me mad so I know my husband must not like it either, I can't help it though, I've always been the same, my older dd is the same, she will get anxious and ask questions re your older dd. Is this the 2yo you're describing as having anxiety? If she's present and witnessing your anxiety and rituals you definitely need to access help. What's your hv saying?

Is a sea of posters recognising this as a couple where both parties are at breaking point, you are the only one to condemn the DH as being an awful person.
Perhaps you ought to read some of the other posts.

@DoreenonTill8 No it's my eldest that is diagnosed Autistic. They are 9.
The anxiety and questions is actually a part of asd, they haven't learnt that from me as I don't show it in front of them

Btw I'm not suicidal or thinking of harming my kids, I would never ever ! I'd anything I'm over cautious. I just love them so much I'm terrified of something happening to them.

Absolutely. It's really not a 'gosh how insightful of you' on here anymore to do the 'it's obviously your DHs fault, LTB'!

I didn't want to read and not send you a huge hug. It sounds like you're very unwell at the moment. Absolutely none of this is a) your fault and b) hopefully can't be treated with some therapy. If CBT hasn't previously worked for you, maybe a different type of therapy will help. If you can't get help sooner (I do think you need it urgently though), try to keep a thought diary and go through the processes that you'd have gone through when you previously did CBT. If you can't recall how they work/what you need to do, DM me and I'll send the info over.
I too have had points when I overthink too much about the possibility of things happening to my dc. It's awful and terrifying. You're not alone xx

Your husband has expressed frustration with a difficult situation in an unkind way. Not enough information to say whether this is because he is an unkind person or because he is just overwhelmed. But, as pps have said, this isn't the big problem here. You need to contact your mental health team.

But your DC are clearly going to pick upon your state of heightened anxiety. I don’t believe a 9yr old would be completely unaware of your excessive questioning, whether they knew the cause or not.

Ignoring your pressing MH problems that need urgent attention, you do need to deal with this. I know you say CBT didn’t work, but how about DBT? How about counselling? Hypnotherapy? You said you can’t help it, but once your other issues are being helped, you’ll have more energy and focus to reduce this anxiety/OCD. It can be done. The more you do it, the easier it gets each time.

You know logically that folding your DC’s clothes a certain way won’t provide or not provide them with good health. What will help them is seeking support for your MH and, after that, you yourself actively working to reduce the anxiety. You won’t believe how good it feels to reduce that. You can’t do it at the moment because your other problems are all-consuming, but you will be able to do it in the future 💐

Your DH wasn’t mocking you. I’d guess he was at the end of his tether and desperately trying to get you to step outside the anxiety and see yourself.

I think everyone else has already, very eloquently, said what I'd say.

So I'll do nothing more but offer you my love and best wishes OP. I hope you're doing better soon.

Definitely contact the gp, you sound like me when I was having psychosis which was triggered by untreated PND.

Long term, could DH reduce his hours and you go back to work PT?

You absolutely need medication to help you with this but I found being stuck inside the home and being solely responsible for a child made by depression worse.
Once I started working it almost made my brain rewire and things started getting better.

My mum also had depression which led to psychosis and she lost her job.
She was eventually forced to get another job because she had no money and wouldn’t sign on.
She will always have MH issues but she is practically back to normal without taking any medication.

I don’t know how women used to cope but I do think many of us need to work (even just 1 day a week) to keep our brains healthy.

I’m sorry you felt your DH wasn’t supportive but you need to not push him away.
He is supporting you, he’s just getting frustrated and accusing him of cheating and having a go at him is going to drive him mad and ultimately make him leave.

Forget about your DH and focus on getting yourself better.

Keep trying to get help from the gp/MH team but in the meantime join a gym and as soon as DH comes home make sure you spend at least an hour away from the kids exercising (gym/swimming/walking) and then just having a coffee in a cafe or something.

Just a thought - would it help to write down the question and then note down the answer so instead of repeating it, your could look at what you've written? Use a notebook and pen not a phone or something. I'm no expert but the act of actually writing might encourage your mind to accept the answer and remember it.
Good luck.