To ask DD to make it up with her dad

[CreativeDaisy]

Feeling very sad about this situation in my family and hoping for some advice.

My adult daughter recently visited to help me and DH (her dad) babysit our grandson (her nephew) for the weekend to give his parents a break. Because she lives several hours away, DD came up a few days beforehand to spend some more time with us whilst remote working.

On the day my grandson was due to arrive, DD was on a work call when a man arrived to connect up our smart meter. We'd forgotten he was coming so didn't have a chance to warn DD that the power/internet would need to go off for a few minutes. My husband tried several times to get DD's attention to let her know about the power outage, but she carried on with her meeting, avoided eye contact and even gestured at him to stop talking which he thought was very rude. When she finished her call 5-10 minutes later, she went to speak to DH and I heard them having a huge, shouting row before DH came storming upstairs (I don't know who started shouting first).

I gave it a while for DD to calm down before going downstairs, only to find her desperately upset with her bags packed by the front door preparing to leave. She told me DH had got in her face shouting about how her work wasn't life-or-death and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way. I asked her to stay as she was too upset to drive safely, and she said she really wanted to see her nephew but she would only stay if DH apologised unreservedly.

Ultimately he did apologise for grabbing/pushing her and she said she forgave him. There were hugs and then little grandson arrived so big distractions. I thought we were all OK, but then DD cut her weekend short and went home the next day. Since then she's been polite and answered messages but she's still distant and isn't really initiating contact any more.

I've mostly been staying out of it, but lately I've been considering speaking to DD more directly and trying to encourage her to move on from this incident. I know it was upsetting but she loves her dad, he is sorry and he would do anything for her. He's been so kind helping her move house this year and supporting her through her recent divorce, I would hope that would count for something. I also think she should apologise about being rude to DH when he was trying to communicate with her on the call. However, when I said this in passing to a friend she looked at me like I had two heads and said I was 'condoning violence' which I absolutely am not! DH is not remotely violent, he just lost his temper once, and he has apologised.

So, am I being unreasonable? I just want things to go back to how they were before, and I think DH has done all he can to fix things. I am willing to be told I am wrong if it can help.

Um I don't think there's anything wrong in talking to her about it all.
But I'm not sure it's the best thing to ask her to apologise.
If she was in the middle of a meeting she wouldn't expect to be disturbed.

DH could have written a note rather than attempted to speak to her. Did the power actually go off during her meeting?

Why did he push her out of the way?

They won’t he was violent to her, so no shock she wants nothing to do with him, I wouldn’t leave him alone with grandchildren either.

Your DH was physical with her? Because she wouldn't stop a work meeting? You need to take this way more seriously than you are. If I was your DD I would be giving my DF a wide berth for a long time.

I’m with your friend.

I’d be encouraging DD to not speak to him again and doing the same thing myself.

Bloody hell what drama. Your DD needs to grow up.

Your "D"H assaulted your DD, and you want her to apologise?

I really would stay out of this. You risk your own relationship with her I you don't. If my DH was physically aggressive to my daughter I would also have fallen out with him, I wouldn't be trying to push my daughter into being warm with him again. You are lucky she hasn't cut him off completely!
What kids of example are you setting her if you go and try to get her to minimise what happened? What would you say to her if it were her partner who acted like that towards her? Or some random male? Would you be urging her to just get over it or would you be backing up her reaction?
What your DH did was disgusting. There's absolutely no excuse for it whatsoever. He should grovel until she decides to forgive him.. if she decides she can.
And you should absolutely not take his side ot put any pressure on her to forgive him. And if he asks you to intervene you should point out to him that what he did was awful and he's lucky if she even still wants him in her life.

Why did DH get so angry so quickly?

Your daughter was in the middle of a meeting and couldn’t talk so tried to communicate she was busy. Your husband knew what she was ‘saying’ and why.

How did that escalate to your husband shoving his daughter?

He grabbed her and pushed her out of the way. Your words.
It doesn't matter that he's apologised, if she's not ready and/or willing to forgive. The very fact that he still believes he is owed an apology from her is risible.
None of the 'nice' things he's done for her in the recent past balance out the fact that he laid his hands on her.
The fact that you're actively supporting your husband suggests you somehow condone his actions.

and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way.

He put his hands on her and physically moved her. That is a very frightening experience for an adult woman. Why did he grab and push her in the middle of an argument - unless he was deliberately being aggressive and intimidating? No wonder she is going quiet on you both.

I think he was being quite rude interrupting her meeting - he should expect to be gestured at to stop speaking if he is whilst she is working. I think your DH has been way out of line, and everyone needs to give this more space and time.

So your dh tried to interrupt her work meeting, when he could easily have waited a few minutes.

Then when they speak, he grabbed her and pushed her out of the way, while shouting at her.

I'd go home too. He's shown contempt for her career, been physically and verbally abusive and you think she should just gloss over it. Yabu.

She's keeping her distance and making her point. Good for her.

The first time someone is violent SHOULD be a time to reevaluate your relationship with them. If your husband had grabbed and pushed you in anger and you'd started a thread here, the advice would have been to leave and any suggestion of staying would be on the condition that your husband sought help. An apology would not cut it if it were her husband that had done this, and she's right to be wary of someone who reacted violently to a relatively minor perceived slight.

You want her to accept a man putting his hands on her and screaming in her face? Would you think it acceptable if her husband did that to you? Would your husband think it acceptable if she did that to him?

and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way

Are you fucking kidding me?

I also think she should apologise about being rude to DH when he was trying to communicate with her on the call.

She was on a work call, he knew she was working, and I don't give a fuck if she were rude or not, that doesn't give him a pass to assault her.

However, when I said this in passing to a friend she looked at me like I had two heads and said I was 'condoning violence' which I absolutely am not!

You absolutely fucking are. Nothing your daughter did, or supposedly did, excuses your husband's behaviour. Give you head a fucking wobble.

Mumsnet never ceases to amaze with the number of women who desperately try to minimise the shit behaviour of shit men.

Is this a reverse? She drove for fucking hours to ‘help’ you take care of your grandson, and she also had to work remotely at the same time. And her father physically assaulted her because she wouldn’t let him repeatedly interrupt a work meeting? I’d have phoned the police if my husband laid hands on my adult daughter, no wonder she wants nothing to do with you and you’re taking his side!

I don't understand how the grabbing and pushing came about.

Was he interrupting her meeting to tell her the power was about to go out any moment, so she could warn those in her meeting? Or was it going out later?

All of this! Your DD has nothing to apologise for and if I were you I’d be eating humble pie and expecting your DH to do the same. I don’t blame her for leaving early. How many years has she had to put up with your DH’s behaviour?

I didn't see what happened, only what DD told me. DH just says he was trying to get past her and she wouldn't move. I realise this was a really bad thing for him to do, and I understand why she was so upset, I just don't know what to do to make it better.

Very tough. I don't think she has to apologise.
Why couldn't he move round her without pushing.
Doesn't sound good. She's very angry.
Going through a divorce. And then this.

She wasn't rude! She was in the middle of a call and he RUDELY tried to interrupt whilst she was on a call. Even worse, it was a work call. Which she was only taking at yours because she'd come to HELP you.

He could have slid a note over explaining or sent a text telling her what was going on.

And just WHY did he grab and push her? Out of the way of what? Unless she was then deliberately trying to block him leaving the room or physically assaulted him first then there is NO reason for him to grab her. I'm guessing he actually tried to turn her computer off or something so she stood between them and he tried to physically move her.

Stop trying to make her apologise. She's going to stop speaking to you too

I wasn't thinking about it that way but you're right, I wouldn't be trying to get her to make it up if it were another man. I suppose I'm just so sad because I know how much they mean to each other and I don't want that all to be destroyed.

@CreativeDaisy why are you blaming your daughter for your husbands physical abuse of her? I ask because you seem to think that she deserved to be assaulted for not doing exactly what your husband wanted when he wanted it. You do realise that your dd is an innocent victim of your husbands abusive and criminal behaviour and could have your husband arrested for assault! Please let that sink in. You're asking a victim of domestic violence to just get over it and pretend that it didn't happen.
I don't know if you're so conditioned by your husbands abusive behaviour that this is normal for you or if you're just in denighal, but this isn't normal. You need to tell your other dc what their dad did to their sister and you should be prepared for them to refuse to allow your husband to be around your grandson as he is a dangerous violent man who could lose his temper at anytime and attack your grandson too.