To ask DD to make it up with her dad

[CreativeDaisy]

Feeling very sad about this situation in my family and hoping for some advice.

My adult daughter recently visited to help me and DH (her dad) babysit our grandson (her nephew) for the weekend to give his parents a break. Because she lives several hours away, DD came up a few days beforehand to spend some more time with us whilst remote working.

On the day my grandson was due to arrive, DD was on a work call when a man arrived to connect up our smart meter. We'd forgotten he was coming so didn't have a chance to warn DD that the power/internet would need to go off for a few minutes. My husband tried several times to get DD's attention to let her know about the power outage, but she carried on with her meeting, avoided eye contact and even gestured at him to stop talking which he thought was very rude. When she finished her call 5-10 minutes later, she went to speak to DH and I heard them having a huge, shouting row before DH came storming upstairs (I don't know who started shouting first).

I gave it a while for DD to calm down before going downstairs, only to find her desperately upset with her bags packed by the front door preparing to leave. She told me DH had got in her face shouting about how her work wasn't life-or-death and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way. I asked her to stay as she was too upset to drive safely, and she said she really wanted to see her nephew but she would only stay if DH apologised unreservedly.

Ultimately he did apologise for grabbing/pushing her and she said she forgave him. There were hugs and then little grandson arrived so big distractions. I thought we were all OK, but then DD cut her weekend short and went home the next day. Since then she's been polite and answered messages but she's still distant and isn't really initiating contact any more.

I've mostly been staying out of it, but lately I've been considering speaking to DD more directly and trying to encourage her to move on from this incident. I know it was upsetting but she loves her dad, he is sorry and he would do anything for her. He's been so kind helping her move house this year and supporting her through her recent divorce, I would hope that would count for something. I also think she should apologise about being rude to DH when he was trying to communicate with her on the call. However, when I said this in passing to a friend she looked at me like I had two heads and said I was 'condoning violence' which I absolutely am not! DH is not remotely violent, he just lost his temper once, and he has apologised.

So, am I being unreasonable? I just want things to go back to how they were before, and I think DH has done all he can to fix things. I am willing to be told I am wrong if it can help.

I don't believe for a second that your husband hasn't shown signs of this kind of behaviour before. He goes from always being the mild-mannered, gentle dad to shouting in her face and physically assaulting her over the meter man being there and your daughter not instantly doing what she's told? Not buying it.

The thing is, it clearly wasn't that important as despite it all the drama, it managed to wait until she was finished anyway.

He shouldn't have gone in planning to have a chat with her while she was in a meeting in the first place though IMO - it's totally inappropriate.

Why did you need to 'insist' he apologised to her? Was he not mortified by his own actions? Everything he did was inappropriate. Has he been violent to you? Did you grow up in a household where violence was a feature? Your reactions are very skewed. I echo comments about the need for you to take care of your relationship with your daughter, which is, apparently, the opposite of what you've been considering doing.

Whatever actually happened that day, your husband apologised, your daughter accepted the apology, and I think it might be best to try to leave it all in the past, unless one of the two of them brings it up again. I wouldn't suggest anyone apologise; I wouldn't refer to it at all, unless they do.

Instead, I'd try to arrange more casual, low-stakes contact for you all as a family, hoping that things will heal and return to normal as you spend more time together again. I wouldn't push hard, but I'd persist in trying every so often, even if she doesn't accept the first invitation or suggestion that you meet up. Keep communications flowing.

Well someone has a temper for such a non issue to escalate to violence... I say that as someone who had regular beatings and bruises from a step dad with a temper as a child. Yes I still speak to them, no I don't respect them, no we aren't close.

You're picking the wrong side here. Assuming your dh isn't in some kind of early stage disease like dementia, this violence won't have been the first temper losing incident, just perhaps the first with obvious violence. Don't minimise it, you'll lose your daughter. If my step dad touched me now as an adult, or one of my kids, they'd both be cut off, no going back.

I don't know what your family is actually like. But she is an adult woman and he is an adult too. I think you could make things worse by trying to push them back together.

I don't think your daughter was in the wrong at all - she arrived to help you, she was working, the power went out, DH was rude to her, DH told her that her work wasn't important, DH grabbed her and pushed her

I think going in and saying "that's it, you should never see him again" would be divisive. He is her father and if the anger was genuinely a one of and if he was genuinely just trying to leave the room rather than hurt her and if he has genuinely apologised then fine. But she needs to decide in her own time. Otherwise it turns into "I/he apologised. Why isn't that enough for you." Which isn't a genuine apology - and since he's the one who caused the issue and who apologised it wouldn't be fair to undermine his apology like that.

Its better to just let time heal this one.

Her father assaulted her, she kept the peace then left calmly when the dust had settled and is now being polite not warm. I think she’s being very grown up.

If this really was the first time he's behaved like this, your DD must be deeply shocked. My dad has a temper but has never man handled me. If he suddenly did so I'd be so sad and upset. I may remain civil to him but I don't think I'd ever get over it.

My dad and I communicate by sniping at each other most of the time. It frustrates my sister because she doesn't understand that our quarrels are just that and over within seconds.

Our relationship is actually based on a deep respect for each other. Something that is completely lacking in your husband. It is never right to undermine your adult child at work and it is never right to physically assault them. Whether you like it or not, your husbands actions have fundamentally caused a change in his child's view of him - you never forget the first time one of your parents physically assaults you, whether you are 4 or 40.

If my dad did that to me, then he would not be allowed back into my life.

This. Sounds like she's taking her divorce out on her dad. Fgs, he helped her so much and she wants to act like a little child. They both apologised so they need to move on.

Bollocks.

Well maybe they will be able to do just that in time. But perhaps things are understandably still quite raw for the OP’s daughter. OP needs to let her daughter have these feelings rather than trying to force things back to normal at HER pace.

OP you sound like your intentions are good and very much typical of women of your generation in my experience. That isn't meant to be patronising , I am almost of the same generation. I think we were told that one of our roles was to keep the peace, to largely comply with what our husbands said/ did and to not rock the boat.

Your dd has, thankfully in my view, a much healthier idea of her own value, boundaries and red lines of behaviour. Be proud of that, you raised her.

You absolutely can't tell her to accept DV from your husband in exchange for support and help, even if you (and I) were told by our mum's that that was to be expected and accepted.

This is beautifully phrased and has given me a lot to reflect on. Thank you.