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Original poster

To ask DD to make it up with her dad

139 replies

CreativeDaisy · 01/06/2024 23:22

Feeling very sad about this situation in my family and hoping for some advice.

My adult daughter recently visited to help me and DH (her dad) babysit our grandson (her nephew) for the weekend to give his parents a break. Because she lives several hours away, DD came up a few days beforehand to spend some more time with us whilst remote working.

On the day my grandson was due to arrive, DD was on a work call when a man arrived to connect up our smart meter. We'd forgotten he was coming so didn't have a chance to warn DD that the power/internet would need to go off for a few minutes. My husband tried several times to get DD's attention to let her know about the power outage, but she carried on with her meeting, avoided eye contact and even gestured at him to stop talking which he thought was very rude. When she finished her call 5-10 minutes later, she went to speak to DH and I heard them having a huge, shouting row before DH came storming upstairs (I don't know who started shouting first).

I gave it a while for DD to calm down before going downstairs, only to find her desperately upset with her bags packed by the front door preparing to leave. She told me DH had got in her face shouting about how her work wasn't life-or-death and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way. I asked her to stay as she was too upset to drive safely, and she said she really wanted to see her nephew but she would only stay if DH apologised unreservedly.

Ultimately he did apologise for grabbing/pushing her and she said she forgave him. There were hugs and then little grandson arrived so big distractions. I thought we were all OK, but then DD cut her weekend short and went home the next day. Since then she's been polite and answered messages but she's still distant and isn't really initiating contact any more.

I've mostly been staying out of it, but lately I've been considering speaking to DD more directly and trying to encourage her to move on from this incident. I know it was upsetting but she loves her dad, he is sorry and he would do anything for her. He's been so kind helping her move house this year and supporting her through her recent divorce, I would hope that would count for something. I also think she should apologise about being rude to DH when he was trying to communicate with her on the call. However, when I said this in passing to a friend she looked at me like I had two heads and said I was 'condoning violence' which I absolutely am not! DH is not remotely violent, he just lost his temper once, and he has apologised.

So, am I being unreasonable? I just want things to go back to how they were before, and I think DH has done all he can to fix things. I am willing to be told I am wrong if it can help.

OP posts:
SlovenlyOldSlut · 02/06/2024 11:26

I just don't know what to do to make it better.

Well for a start, stop trying to make it her fault. It’s disgraceful that you think your daughter owes your husband an apology. You’re trying to make her share blame in a desperate attempt to force a reconciliation. There’s nothing worse than an apology that comes with a “but…” at the end of it.

Your daughter hasn’t even stopped talking to either of you. Okay, so she’s been a bit distant lately - maybe that’s because she needs some time to deal with this? The best thing you can do here is give her that time rather than trying to force things.

TeaAndTattoos · 02/06/2024 11:26

Why are you wanting your daughter to just sweep it all under the carpet and just accept someone shouting in her face and putting their hands on her forget about that someone being her own dad for a minute would you be encouraging her to forgive and forget if it had been her ex husband that did that to her. Instead of condoning what your husband did maybe try giving your daughter some space for the time being and stop trying to make all this your daughters fault your DH was in the wrong.

YaMuvva · 02/06/2024 11:29

As someone who was raised in a “sweep it under the carpet” household, I can attest that when you are raised like this, and have the mix of parents one of whom is aggressive and one is a fence sitter, it’s very very difficult to stand up to them, and follow through with asserting your boundaries. maybe she’s had enough and there’s nothing you can do because your DH doesn’t deserve his daughter despite “being there through her divorce”

BeeCucumber · 02/06/2024 11:36

I admire your daughter for putting strong boundaries in place to protect herself. Her relationship with both of you has changed forever and it’s sad that you can’t see why.

Allfur · 02/06/2024 11:57

Why didn't someone just text her or pass her a note

itsmylife7 · 02/06/2024 12:15

What should have happened....Meter man, you have to wait until a very important work call is finished, thank you.

Daughter finishes work call...Dad tells daughter about meter change....all fine.

Instead Dad barges in and attempts to talk to daughter who's possibly on a VERY important call.

All this over you or husband panicking over a simple thing.

zingally · 02/06/2024 12:19

A very similar thing happened to me in my mid-late 20s.

I was visiting with my parents, who lived quite a way away, so it always involved an overnight stay. And for some reason, dad and I got into a squabble over something we were looking at on the computer. He said, "I'm going to give you such a slap in a minute."
To which I immediately replied, "If you ever dare do that, I'll pack my bags right now, and you'll never see me again."
TBH, he was really shocked and immediately tried to back-track. I think it shocked us BOTH how quickly it escalated.

I left the room right after and went and had a cry - more out of shock than anything.

Frankly, I think your DD is behaving exactly as expected. She came to your house to help you watch your nephew - doing you a favour. And in response, her job is disrupted and minimised, and then she's threatened and physically assaulted by her father.
I think she was right to accept his apology, but she's also allowed to have some time to assert her boundaries and coolly and calmly give the message that what happened was absolutely not okay.

setitup · 02/06/2024 12:25

To be honest I think there’s more to it than this. Your husband doesn’t respect your daughter.

He thinks her job is poxy, not worth informing her in advance about power outages, not worth waiting until she’s free before getting in her face and interrupting her in meetings. He then couldn’t let it go and started shouting at her, getting in her face, and physically attacking her whilst she is working because he thinks he’s better than her and her job is worthless and he couldn’t accept being asked to stop. It just screams misogyny tbh. I’m not even a feminist or someone that is invested in gender by any means but your husband just comes across and huffy and trying to assert dominance over her?

I work from home too - if I’m in a meeting I don’t want my household interrupting me. That’s completely normal. She wasn’t rude. It’s that neither you or your husband consider her job meaningful.

His shitty apology doesn’t make up for it. You’re a silly person for thinking he’s making amends because he is sorry to you, when you are not the one he has wronged? He can’t apologise to her by apologising to you, that doesn’t make sense. You need to be having a frank conversation with him that his actions were disgusting and that you are on your daughter’s side. Else both of you will lose her, not just him.

LakieLady · 02/06/2024 12:25

Even after making allowances for the fact that your DH may not have appreciated that a Zoom meeting is no different from a physical meeting, I still think his behaviour was inexcusable.

He needs to be the one apologising and trying to make it up with her, not the other way round, and you should be asking him to do that. And he needs to apologise for interrupting her while she was working at all, and especially so when she was in a meeting, as well as for getting physical with her. And he should admit that laying a hand on her is completely unacceptable and that he deeply regrets it.

I'm gobsmacked that you can't see this tbh, OP.

setitup · 02/06/2024 12:27

@LakieLady op just sounds like the type of woman to make excuses for men, bet similar things have happened in the past that she has blamed her daughter for or downplayed her husband’s actions

ridingfreely · 02/06/2024 12:52

Sorry but it 100% sounds like it's DH that needs to do the apologising

BlondeFool · 02/06/2024 12:59

LakieLady · 02/06/2024 12:25

Even after making allowances for the fact that your DH may not have appreciated that a Zoom meeting is no different from a physical meeting, I still think his behaviour was inexcusable.

He needs to be the one apologising and trying to make it up with her, not the other way round, and you should be asking him to do that. And he needs to apologise for interrupting her while she was working at all, and especially so when she was in a meeting, as well as for getting physical with her. And he should admit that laying a hand on her is completely unacceptable and that he deeply regrets it.

I'm gobsmacked that you can't see this tbh, OP.

This.

Your husband sounds a horrendous bully.

Newestname002 · 02/06/2024 13:18

@CreativeDaisy

She told me DH had got in her face shouting about how her work wasn't life-or-death and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way.

Does your husband have any idea of what your daughter does first a living? Why is he trying to invalidate what she does for a profession - and which pays her bills ?

Does he not realise how intimidating it is to have a full grown man in a woman's face, shouting the odds? Or laying his hands on her in anger? Did she go through something similar with the husband she divorced? And now her own father does this?

I also agree you should not be treading the path, however well meant, of trying to get another woman to make herself smaller to make a man feel better. 🌹

Pillowface1 · 02/06/2024 13:44

You are getting good advice and I can well understand this is very painful for you.
Unfortunately, the reality is your daughter may no longer feel as safe around your husband.
If this truly is a complete aberration on your husbnds part, I think he should write her a letter of genuine apology with the hope that trust can be rebuilt.
Having any person put their hands on you IS a big deal.
There should be zero confusion on the message you send to her....ANYONE putting their hands on her is wrong.
Wishing you well.

Original poster
CreativeDaisy · 02/06/2024 13:47

itsmylife7 · 02/06/2024 12:15

What should have happened....Meter man, you have to wait until a very important work call is finished, thank you.

Daughter finishes work call...Dad tells daughter about meter change....all fine.

Instead Dad barges in and attempts to talk to daughter who's possibly on a VERY important call.

All this over you or husband panicking over a simple thing.

I agree. I did say that it could just wait till she had finished her call, but DH was frustrated and not listening. There are a lot of 'should haves' but I can't change any of what happened. I'm just trying to move forward from where we are, but I appreciate and agree with everyone on here that I could make things worse by getting involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
CreativeDaisy · 02/06/2024 14:04

zingally · 02/06/2024 12:19

A very similar thing happened to me in my mid-late 20s.

I was visiting with my parents, who lived quite a way away, so it always involved an overnight stay. And for some reason, dad and I got into a squabble over something we were looking at on the computer. He said, "I'm going to give you such a slap in a minute."
To which I immediately replied, "If you ever dare do that, I'll pack my bags right now, and you'll never see me again."
TBH, he was really shocked and immediately tried to back-track. I think it shocked us BOTH how quickly it escalated.

I left the room right after and went and had a cry - more out of shock than anything.

Frankly, I think your DD is behaving exactly as expected. She came to your house to help you watch your nephew - doing you a favour. And in response, her job is disrupted and minimised, and then she's threatened and physically assaulted by her father.
I think she was right to accept his apology, but she's also allowed to have some time to assert her boundaries and coolly and calmly give the message that what happened was absolutely not okay.

Thank you for sharing this. It helps me see her perspective and also gives me some hope that the damage isn't completely irreversible. How did your parents respond in the aftermath? Did your relationship recover?

OP posts:
CatMum27 · 02/06/2024 14:30

It’s sad to see people try to minimise violence towards women. Make no mistake, this is what you are doing with your daughter and she is right to set boundaries. When my father was old and ill he got cross and tried to hit me. Family tried to make excuses for his behaviour- he’s old, he’s ill, he’s frustrated. When I asked if this is the same advice they would give their daughters about a boyfriend they went quiet. Because there is no reasonable excuse.

It doesn’t matter the excuses given, that behaviour stays with you. It changes a relationship and this is something you will all have to live with. Support your daughter and don’t force her to apologise. Be proud that she can see poor behaviour and protect herself, even if her parents don’t.

iamtheblcksheep · 02/06/2024 14:33

Skybluepinky · 01/06/2024 23:29

They won’t he was violent to her, so no shock she wants nothing to do with him, I wouldn’t leave him alone with grandchildren either.

Don’t be pathetic

Flopsythebunny · 02/06/2024 14:36

CreativeDaisy · 02/06/2024 00:45

I did, I insisted he apologise to her initially and have made it very clear to him how bad his behaviour was. I understand his feelings aren't what matters here, but he's told me he feels extremely guilty and regretful, and I am seeing him trying very hard to do better. I appreciate all the feedback on this thread and I'm not trying to justify his behaviour, just to explain my understanding of what happened and explore ways forward.

Show quote history

He should be saying this to his daughter

JamSlagsNowPlease · 02/06/2024 14:46

You don't get to interfere in one adult's relationship with another, especially where violence has been used.

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2024 14:47

just once

I find it very hard to believe this was a one off, out of the blue event.

Are you saying he's normally respectful, polite, calm and reasonable to all family members?

Or is this part of a pattern in which he sees himself at the top of the pecking order?

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 02/06/2024 14:49

Thank goodness your daughter has not inherited your low standards for men.

Elieza · 02/06/2024 15:05

DH belittled her work (it pays her bills she's divorced so needs money to support herself so he can't just open her office door at work and come into a meeting, that's effectively what he did at home though)

Pushed her (just coz he's family doesn't make it ok, if he'd done that to the postman or meter installer would they be in, I'd suggest not)
And stormed off in a huff. WTF?

You have DH problems. Does he have anger manager issues or something?

saraclara · 02/06/2024 15:45

fieldsofbutterflies · 02/06/2024 07:58

@saraclara he didn't have time to write a note, but did have time to pester her for the rest of the call and then push and shove her?

Aye, okay 🙄

He probably thought it would take about ten seconds to warn her of the imminent power cut. It took longer because she didn't realise that he was trying to tell her something vital to the outcome of her meeting, so ignored him. I'm not sure how he was supposed to predict that.

And clearly initially he did think her work important, or he'd not have tried to earn her, and just have let the power cut ruin her meeting.

The fight and the physical stuff is an issue. But trying to get her attention during the meeting, shouldn't have been. It was important.

saraclara · 02/06/2024 15:47

I did say that it could just wait till she had finished her call, but DH was frustrated and not listening.

Ah. Hadn't seen that when I posted

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