To ask DD to make it up with her dad

[CreativeDaisy]

Feeling very sad about this situation in my family and hoping for some advice.

My adult daughter recently visited to help me and DH (her dad) babysit our grandson (her nephew) for the weekend to give his parents a break. Because she lives several hours away, DD came up a few days beforehand to spend some more time with us whilst remote working.

On the day my grandson was due to arrive, DD was on a work call when a man arrived to connect up our smart meter. We'd forgotten he was coming so didn't have a chance to warn DD that the power/internet would need to go off for a few minutes. My husband tried several times to get DD's attention to let her know about the power outage, but she carried on with her meeting, avoided eye contact and even gestured at him to stop talking which he thought was very rude. When she finished her call 5-10 minutes later, she went to speak to DH and I heard them having a huge, shouting row before DH came storming upstairs (I don't know who started shouting first).

I gave it a while for DD to calm down before going downstairs, only to find her desperately upset with her bags packed by the front door preparing to leave. She told me DH had got in her face shouting about how her work wasn't life-or-death and then he grabbed her and pushed her out of his way. I asked her to stay as she was too upset to drive safely, and she said she really wanted to see her nephew but she would only stay if DH apologised unreservedly.

Ultimately he did apologise for grabbing/pushing her and she said she forgave him. There were hugs and then little grandson arrived so big distractions. I thought we were all OK, but then DD cut her weekend short and went home the next day. Since then she's been polite and answered messages but she's still distant and isn't really initiating contact any more.

I've mostly been staying out of it, but lately I've been considering speaking to DD more directly and trying to encourage her to move on from this incident. I know it was upsetting but she loves her dad, he is sorry and he would do anything for her. He's been so kind helping her move house this year and supporting her through her recent divorce, I would hope that would count for something. I also think she should apologise about being rude to DH when he was trying to communicate with her on the call. However, when I said this in passing to a friend she looked at me like I had two heads and said I was 'condoning violence' which I absolutely am not! DH is not remotely violent, he just lost his temper once, and he has apologised.

So, am I being unreasonable? I just want things to go back to how they were before, and I think DH has done all he can to fix things. I am willing to be told I am wrong if it can help.

There's a really weird dynamic going on here.

You think it should "count for something" that your husband acted like a normal, loving parent and helped his daughter with her house move.

You had to tell him to apologise for grabbing and shoving her.

You felt it appropriate to beg your DD to stay in the same house as the man who physically assaulted her and had to be told to apologise like a three year old.

And now you want your DD to apologise for the whole thing when she's the only person who has done nothing wrong?

Is DH her biological further? Is he controlling or abusive in other ways?

The family member who put their hands on me over thirty years ago hasn't seen me since and never will. There is never an excuse.

OP, I think your issue (and your dh's) is that you still see your dd as a little girl who has to do as her parents say, and whose daily activities are less important because she's just a child.

She's not, she's a grown adult. She's divorced which presumably means she has only one income from a job that is very important to her. And having been through a divorce, she has first hand and recent experience of handling conflict with a male.

Then your dh interrupted her mid-work call, despite her making it clear she couldn't talk, and then he shouted at her, grabbed her and pushed her.

Think about it !

It sounds like your DH doesn’t understand that virtual meetings are as important as in-person meetings. If she was sat around a table with colleagues or stakeholders in a room in your house he wouldn’t have gone in to tell her that the electricity was going off. I occasionally work from my parents house and there’s no way they would interrupt a work meeting by gesticulating at me. If it was really important they would write me a note.

And yes, YABU to expect your daughter to apologise to a man who physically assaulted her. Your DH has a lot of grovelling to do. He should be getting in the car and going to see her.

@Hoardasurass your reply is totally over the top . OP’s husband tried to alert his daughter to the fact her meeting could be interrupted by a power cut . She ignored him as she was focussed on her work . A row started and DD refused to let him
leave and diffuse the situation so he physically moved her to one side . Probably not acceptable but at no time does it mention he has form for this and they previously had a good relationship. OP only they can mend this so I would stay out of it and bide your time

I feel sorry for your dd. Firstly she drives miles to help look after a nephew, then she's assaulted by her father. Then her mother wants HER to apologise.
No wonder she's trying to keep some distance.

This!

I would say that he has a track record of treating her like a child-
interrupting her meeting/work, she tuned him out rather than assuming he'd wouldn't do it unless essential.
Physically moving her out of his way.

It's possible that if he recognises why he thought it was ok to behave as he did, so he can explain to her that he understands now what he did wrong, she may be able to move on.

Remember that AS AN ADULT with a life separate from yours, she has experiences you don't know about that could affect whether she's able to forgive this.

This. He should have written a note and quietly put it on the table/desk and left as soon as he realised she was on a call. He should not have been trying to get her attention.

She needs time and your DH needs to continue to apologise and you need to accept that this will take some time - you should not be trying to persuade her to forget about it.

If my dad did that to me, I'd have reported him to the police. Your husband is very lucky your daughter hasn't done that.

I think you should show your husband this thread, OP.

So her meeting might have been disturbed, so he decided to DEFINITELY disturb her to tell her that? That's terrible logic even without any of the other things.

From your daughter's perspective, she was doing you a favour (helping with the nephew) and you both made a mistake which could have caused her trouble at work (forgetting about the power thing). It would be fair enough if she was annoyed just about that, tbh. Then her father came and actively disturbed her work rather than let her know via text or a note slipped in front of her. Another thing she could be reasonably annoyed about.

But then he has the audacity to shout in her face and physically manhandle her because he thought SHE was the rude one? And you both expect an apology from her?

Jesus OP, get some perspective. Your daughter has done nothing wrong at all.

He was trying to warn her that the call was about to be cut off. There was absolutely nothing wrong with that. It was actively considerate so that she could warn the other participants.

I don't know why people keep seeing this as a hostile act

You need to leave her alone and let this play out between the two of them. If my dad ever pushed and shoved me out of the way I would be incredibly shocked and upset as well. You can’t fix this so don’t try to mediate or build bridges on your husbands behalf as it won’t make any difference and could actually make things worse. Does he have a temper generally? Sounds pretty unpleasant tbh.

He was trying to warn her that the call was about to be cut off. There was absolutely nothing wrong with that. It was actively considerate so that she could warn the other participants.

So why didn't he write her a note on a piece of paper instead of constantly trying to talk to her when she'd made it crystal clear she was working and trying to concentrate?

Has your husband physically assaulted family members before, Op?

It's good that he recognises his behaviour is wrong. It's extremely unlikely that this is the first time something like this has happened with him.

One route back may be to get him to talk to these people https://www.respect.org.uk/ If he does that, and the apologises again to your daughter based on the understanding he gains, that may help

Amazing. No, it was not ok to disturb the meeting verbally. Maybe during COVID when everything was a bit chaotic but professionalism is expected a lot more now rather than family interruptions (unless actual emergencies). He should have passed her a note.

Men physically moving women to the side against their will (well any sex) is called violence. He may not have meant to hurt her but people absolutely cannot go around moving others about like chess pieces. Would he have done it to a son?

Some women will excuse any male behaviour.

OP leave your daughter alone. Are you sending inane messages so you feel normality while you worked up to your 'smoothing over' approach? Stop it. This is intensely irritating. Give her space until your husband apologises properly (she should never have had to ask)

The cut if was imminent, so maybe he didn't have time to find paper and a pen and write a note.

I have online meetings. In that situation I'd just have clicked myself off video and audio for a couple of seconds. Then I could have explained to the team.

Well it sounds like she's definitely the bad guy here.

Not.

If my husband laid hands on my child of any age id be furious. I wouldnt be wittering on about what a great dad he is.

1. Your H should have passed your DD note, not tried to very rudely interrupted her in a meeting.
2. Your H told his DD her job isn’t “life and death”, which is so utterly disrespectful to her, she’s a grown woman doing her job in a professional way, your H treated her like a teenager.
3. Your H got physical with his DD.

No wonder your DD is very angry and upset with this incident.
I think your DD has great boundaries, she’s decided she isn’t going to put up with this behaviour.

I’d bet my house on this not being the first time your H has treated a member of his family like this way.

He grabbed and pushed her?
If you confided in you that her partner had done that to her would you encourage her to forgive and move past it or to leave him? The answer to that question will be telling.

What he should have done is pass his daughter a note to alert her about what was happening. My partner works from home and occasionally something has cropped up and I go in the office and pass a note. If you don't have experience of people working from home you can get it wrong as this seems to be the case here.

Her reaction was totally over the top and she obvioulsy has bigger issues going on. Maybe invite her out to lunch, just the two of you and see if she will open up.

If he is feeling guilty and regretful has he communicated that to DD?

My dad said something hurtful 20 years ago (that I still remember). I did not speak to him for 2 day, I was then asked to clear the air. I said no as he had shown no remorse or properly apologised. He said he had thought of writing a letter. He did apologise profusely but it took a while to heal.

Is this for real?

I’m not surprised she’s fallen out with her dad- and if you were my mum and took his side to my face I’d probably fall out with you too.

@saraclara he didn't have time to write a note, but did have time to pester her for the rest of the call and then push and shove her?

Aye, okay 🙄