What do you wish you'd known about the teenage years?

[coodawoodashooda]

Nervous to realise my eldest has nearly reached his teenage years. Any wise words?

I agree with all of this.
Picking your battles is a must. Perspective is key. So they want a pierced nose. Do I love it? Not especially. But a pierced nose is preferable to ear stretchers or whatever they’re called. So I let it slide.
We always said friends were welcome any time. I’d want mine welcomed by like minded parents if they’d flounced out of here in a strop.

The cost of teens is massive! Trainers, phones, driving, uni, festivals…
I don’t know what the answer is but social media telling kids what they should buy/think/wear/eat and the instafication of their entire existence is a challenge; we need to raise smart young people. It’s hard.

Why? In what way?

I am so sorry you are going through this

OP, I’m a single mum too and have 3 daughters. One is older, but two have gone through the teens together!
It has been the hardest phase of my parenting journey, by a country mile. There’s a lot I wished I had known and done differently.
I try to make it known to mine that I am always here for them, that they are first and centre in my world and that I love them unconditionally. I‘m here to talk to and will approach that in the way that they need. So if it’s just a vent without me talking too much, fine. If it’s advice they want, fine. But don’t assume that they want more than just to be listened to!
My sister has 3 teenage boys and finds it easy 🤷‍♀️

Tell them you love them often. Even when they've been little buggers, explain that it's their behaviour you don't like but you still love them.

Never go to bed on an argument. Always make up before saying good night.

Never let them walk out of the door on an argument, always let the last words they hear from you is I love you.

Remember things have changed from when we were young.

Appreciate the challenges social media brings.

Pick your battles.

Try and understand things from their perspective.

Remember that even though what they are worrying about may seem trivial to us, it can be huge for them.

Don't assume the teen years are going to be challenging- I loved them at this age. I had no issues either either of mine, after all the warnings I had of how difficult they would be, it was a pleasant surprise.

I'm halfway through the teenage years with my three. So far I'm loving it.

I'm very proud of the kind, hardworking people they choose to be.

I think parenting teenagers starts when your children are much, much younger. Build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. I have always spoken respectfully to my children. I have always listened to them and been prepared to accept that I'm wrong about some things. I am their biggest cheerleader. I love them unconditionally. I teach them the skills they need to be independent adults and always asked them to try to solve things themselves, but I am also happy to step in if they ask for my help.

The dynamic in our house is that I'm the grown-up and ultimately everyone's safety and wellbeing is my business, but I trust them to do things their own way.

I agree with that. From when they could speak we never put up with them being rude to us. So as teens they are not rude to us. We are very “lucky” that our teens are so nice to be around according to friends who were more lax …

The best advice that I had is that teenagers are similar to toddlers in many ways. Their brains are developing, impulse control can be an issue, and they always need snacks.

I can't agree more with the comment above about remembering that things have changed since we were young.

The pressure to look/think/act/be a certain way is much harder in many ways. I have teen magazines and swap shop. My youngest is faced with a world full of filters and false news and Naked Attraction. I'm glad I'm not a teen now.

Nothing, it's been the easiest and most fun parent of parenting for me. Don't overthink it!

Totally agree with this.

I managed to hold out with mine until they were thirteen but then capitulated when they were travelling to secondary school alone for the first time.

Also, not everything that they are doing on their phone is horrendous!

Phones are also music centres, encyclopaedias, a way of keeping in touch with friends, a cinema, a diary etc and we used to spend time doing all of those things separately before phones were on the scene!

As long as you make sure that they have a fairly busy schedule with lots of physical exercise thrown in, and they are aware of all the dangers, and you as parents set a good example with phone use (we have a no phone overnight rule) then you can’t go too far wrong. It’s the bed-rotting and aimless doom-scrolling that’s the problem.

Super strict boundaries don't work. Firm but fair is the way to go

YES!
Their brains are completely re-wiring, they may look more grown up but they need us more than ever!
DD (13) is currently going through a really clingy phase, exactly like she did when she was 2/3. I am back to being followed everywhere including the toilet 🤣

Just another voice saying it might not be bad, we usually only hear the horror stories on here. There’s a few threads about lovely teens and they are great to read. Me and my sisters were fine during teens and my boys were fine, bit grumpy sometimes but nothing else

There’s been so much good advice. I would say find ways to avoid getting angry with them. I go into my daughter’s room and pick up dirty washing and empty plates instead of turning it into a chore or argument trying to get her to do it herself. I save my energy for bigger things and it keeps the atmosphere in our house happy. Plenty of time to bug her about a clean bedroom when she’s through the drama and hormones

I think the most important thing is to remember how you felt yourself and remember how important things were to you that may not seem to be important to adults. I’ve 4 children and now with my third starting secondary I’m for the first time dealing with a son who is telling me more than the others, how nervous he is of starting over, trying to make new friends, how he’s worrying about figuring out lockers and finding his way around etc

One of my other children I remember suddenly shouted at me that I wasn’t listening in a totally ott shout but as he did I looked at him and he looked like he had no clue why he was being irrational- he looked confused and it stopped me from shouting back- I felt so bad for him - damn hormones!!!!!

Great honest post. So true how we have to remember how we felt back then and how everything felt like a big deal.

Yes it constantly surprises me how many parents completely forget what it was like to be a teen. Those years are etched in my memory and I try to remember them whenever DD is feeling "off" or hormonal.

Exactly.. and how frustrating and lonely it sometimes felt to have a parent brush over it or half arsed “ahh yeah” when talking about something important to us. I didn’t want to be that parent, so I was fully tuned in during the teen years and always ready to listen and make them feel better.