What do you wish you'd known about the teenage years?

[coodawoodashooda]

Nervous to realise my eldest has nearly reached his teenage years. Any wise words?

That the crap, the shit, it’s not all them. Age 12 Ds14 started shouting one day over something trivial and he looked confused that he was even shouting and I said ‘look, do you want to go upstairs and I’ll make you a toasted sandwich and you can catch a breath.’ Im still proud as I was ready to snap at the time.

Also sometimes the best parenting is just sitting with them watching them gaming or watching you tube.

Also secondary school is like a zoo and they deserve congratulations sometimes on navigating it.

Mental health is soooo important (2 little lads from son’s class have been in hospital this year)🙁

Also screen time needs to be regulated and sometimes you have to treat them like kids to get them out of their room and bring them back to real life (board game nights or hikes or helping you out for bribes etc)

Eldest is 16, we have 4 boys youngest is 9 so advice may change😅

That they actually need as much, if not more mothering than when they were babies. Obviously all teens are different, but although they will push you away one moment, the next they need hugs and taking care of although they may find this hard to articulate. Don’t worry what anyone else is doing, the teen years vary greatly from family to family and child to child. If at all possible, keep the lines of communication open, even if by texts in rooms next to each other.

Oh and I would ban phones in the bedroom at night. They need sleep and it’s too tempting to stay online. Much easier to have this as a rule from the beginning than trying to implement it with a moody teen!

Put as much as you can in now before the teen years start. So start applying the advice about chatting in the car and doing things together one on one and leaving little treats and knowing all the friends and keeping an open house now and those habits will stick. One of the best things I read when my now teen was small was one day your kids will make a mistake and when that day comes you want them to run to you for help and not away from you in fear. The other thing I say to mine which is what my mother said to me, ring me no matter where you are and what time it is I'll go and get you.

Definitely.

We have phones on the table in the entry by 7pm, including mine and DH will charge any devices, earphones, etc. at 11pm (cheap time) if needed.

Be prepared to increase your food budget 😬

Also grow a thick skin if you haven’t already got one! My two teenagers are actually lovely and are never rude to me, but I have sometimes struggled with them ‘moving away’ from me. My DD in particular has been through several phases where there has felt like a lot of distance between us; where I’ve sometimes got the feeling I don’t really know her any more. This is all part of her moving towards independence and working out who she is but it has sometimes felt confusing to me because we have previously been close. I think we will be close again in future, but at the moment I’m not really ‘on her radar’ and consideration of my feelings tends to come quite far down her list of considerations when she is deciding whether to do or not to do something (she is 18, not far off 19 so this might be an older teen thing).

And as others have said, pick your battles. I have long since given up trying to get mine to keep their rooms tidy. I just shut the doors so I don’t have to see the mess 🥴

Equally, you can have one teenager in a family who is delightful and chilled, and another in the same family with the same parenting style, who finds the transition to adulthood more challenging!

Ours were mainly fine. It lulled us into a false sense of security… Until the younger two turned 17.

Suddenly they decided they were adults, didn’t want any house rules or boundaries, come in at whatever time they pleased. One got a (really bad, idiotic tattoo). Both made a series of poor life decisions (dropping out of school, drugs, dodgy friends, awful girlfriends). One has no off switch and has ended up in hospital due to excess alcohol twice. They both became completely self centred and self absorbed.

So basically, be prepared for them to turn into complete arseholes if they’ve been very sweet their entire lives 😂

On the flip side, our two eldest haven’t caused us any bother whatsoever. Aside from the usual low level stuff like leaving their things lying around, not cleaning up after themselves and leaving empty packets in tje cupboards…

What a fabulous post.

The only thing I'd add, is no matter what you spend on a holiday, they will spend the majority of it asleep in their room. Swines.

Don't sweat the small stuff... save your rage/worry/disappointment for the big shit that (if you are unlucky) goes down.

That's my motto 😄

I'd say:

1. Keep them busy and preferably in sports as sporty teens have sporty friends who are more into healthy living/gym than drink/cigs/vapes/drugs. Also a busy teen has less time to navel gaze.

2. Allow them to be trendy and even if it looks awful or you don't get it.

Not all teens are difficult OP. My oldest 2 were and still are lovely, thoughtful and considerate.
My youngest meanwhile is an absolute beast and I'm counting down the days until she leaves home 😂
She was all good, lovely in fact until puberty started then it was all down hill.
Get some thick skin OP x

I have a 13 year old and 16 year old and they are lovely. I don't actually regulate screen time at all, except that the 13 yo has Family Link on hers so it blocks at bedtime. I do have regular chats with them tho about Internet safety and bullying and sex. They both have lots of friends and are happy and well adjusted and come to me with personal stuff.

Another thought - say yes to everything you possibly can.... Blue hair (if school allows) why not, its temporary.... Gig on a school night in a different city.... If Dad's going with you and it's a one off yes, lobes pierced... If you go somewhere reputable and it's OK with school and you are old enough to be careful, go for it. Want to bring all your mates round for lunch when you have a free period and home is a 10 min walk via the chippy.... Yes I'll make sure we have plenty of milk and tea and coffee in. Say yes to the stuff thst doesn't matter, so when you say no there have been plenty of yeses in the bank.

I wish I had more fun. I wish I wasn’t tied down to a boyfriend. I was too young and it wasn’t right for me at the time. I missed out on a lot so I’d encourage my kids to have more fun and enjoy their teenage years!

Never knowing what is coming is a terrible, traumatic consequence, you can never plan for it and it can cause awful anxiety and issues later on.

Think it’s over egged neither of mine are rude to us or have rages. It’s finding your way with boundaries and what’s allowed. Have told ours we will always say yes unless we have a good reason to say no. Keep communication open. We try and be collegiate - work issues out together. Try not to be pointlessly strict and doom mongery like our parents were in the 90s.

And find things you can enjoy with them - we eat out / theatre / cinema as a 4 and it’s really fun and positive. Chat to them and listen.

Pick your battles. You want some semblance of a fun, happy relationships, so bite your tongue and fight for the stuff you actually care about.
Things I gave up on: skirt length, number of piercings, eating breakfast, playing an instrument, some awful outfits. Also she had a lot more freedom to go out than I liked BUT she had to tell me where she was and what was going on and keep life 360 on. I also provided a pretty non judgemental ear even when silently screaming.

Things I held firm on: completing school work, revising, always going to school, not bullying or being unkind to other kids, continuing to play one sport, family mealtimes.

It generally worked. She's so used to telling me everything that we have a close relationship and I've been able to help her navigate first boyfriends and friendships. Skirts are longer, clothes "comfy". She's doing well at school, is predicted good A levels, plays first team hockey and is healthy and happy.

She's still a pain in the arse occasionally but she'd probably say that about me as well.

Also be careful posting here. There's a certain type of mum who's had children who always do what they're told and never shout, rebel or argue. They stay home practicing grade 8 violin and playing exceptional sport. Some of this is down to parenting - but not as much as they'd like to think! (They also begin every response to every thread about a misbehaving teen with "Well, what are the consequences for them?" as if to say that if only you'd stopped puddings and removed the iPad they wouldn't be behaving the way they do. There's just no recognition that some teens are an absolute handful and approaches need to vary!)

I've parented mine exactly the same way. One is cheerful and compliant, one was more of a handful from the outset (I still have her book from nursery- "strong willed" was used a lot!) and the teen years were challenging.

You work with what you have.

My 2 DC are 14&15. 15 year old is a dream. 14 year old is hormonal and grumpy, but also wonderful and delightful.

I have bought a pizza oven so that they will come round with their friends more. Also going to get a fire pit and chairs.

And we have made a little downstairs gym with a projector and a heater in the cellar of our apartment building.

We aren't traveling this summer so I am really hoping that loads of their friends will come and hang out here...

I would say be careful of other families who become the “fun house” and your kid always hanging out there. It’s important for your children to be around their own family as well. I’ve seen mothers manipulate teenagers so that they essentially cast aside their own family for another’s and it’s quite toxic. Then they end up informally adopting a random kid into their fold but they don’t really have that kids interests at heart.

Pick your battles.

Don't make rules for the sake of making rules. If the bus gets in at 9.10pm then giving a 9pm curfew is just going to cause fights because they're not going to get the 8.10 bus for example.

Be strict on the things that are important.

Check their phones regularly and be open about it.

Know how the apps they use work - mine weren't able to download apps without my approval and I didn't allow it until I'd downloaded them myself and had a crash course in how they work.

Have a way to allow them to open up to you without fear of consequences or dramatic reactions. I had a deal with mine that if there's something on a group chat or online that I'm not going to like then there's no sanction if they tell me about it. If I find it on a check then there's trouble. As a result I knew a lot more about what was happening in the friendship group than some.
It was hard sometimes not to react, but picking your battles is so so important.

Don't catastrophise. They're going to do daft things, they re going to do annoying things and you will clash at some points. But if you ground them for a year, ban them from clubs, take all their tech and rant about it for weeks then they've no incentive to behave better. Be proportionate so it's worth their while respecting the household rules and gives them the chance to grow.

Also allow natural consequences as much as possible.

Don't fight over jumpers or coats - being cold/having to sit in damp clothes is a far more effective lesson than a nagging mum ever will be

Stumbled across this thread again this morning. Single mother here with two teen boys. We’ve been through a lot .. the three musketeers together! Left the family home, left everything behind apart from tech and clothes ☺️ rebuilt a new forever home and basically started again. 2.5 years on now and I’m so so proud of these boys! They’ve watched me paint/decorate helped me building flat pack furniture, I’ve renovated the whole garden with their help and even built them an outdoor gym shed.. yesterday a huge new bbq was delivered, without even asking the boys took it into the garden, unpacked it and built it all for me no questions asked. My heart is full of love for them. They don’t surface from their rooms much and can be a bit messy but what wonderful humans they are turning out to be. I’m hopeful I’m raising two amazing helpful men who appreciate women and can actually do diy 😆

Been so lucky with my teens. DS1 (who is a fair bit older) did a few stupid things we had to bail him out of) but DS2 (now 20) and DD (17) have been perfect teens. No backchat (I instilled in them many years before teens I wouldn’t tolerate them being rude to me), both very academic (top grades) and never caused me a day’s trouble (genuinely). I do think a lot of that is down to personality rather than any exceptional parenting, but thank my lucky stars every day we have (so far) sailed through the teen years.