What do you wish you'd known about the teenage years?

[coodawoodashooda]

Nervous to realise my eldest has nearly reached his teenage years. Any wise words?

All three of mine when they were 13 - I though I'd got it made, they were hormonal but lovely.

Summer after their 14th birthday - they all turned into nightmares! Grew boobs, discovered boys and wanted to hang out in the local park thinking they were grown up and knew everything.

It was like I was on a countdown with my youngest lol. School broke up the summer he turned 14 and away he went, like clockwork.

Once piece of advice, actually 2.
Pick your battles and figure out what consequences are effective.

An example...
DD1 - "if your're late home you won't be allowed out for a week". DD1 then makes a decision as to whether staying out late is worth staying in and if she had no plans for the weekend would stay out as late as she dared and take the consequence.

Learnt my lesson with DD2 and never offered up the consequence beforehand.
"If you are not home on time there will be a consequence".
She'd be late home (they always are, especially in the summer) and I'd tell her that she had a consequence. Come Friday night when she was getting ready to go to the music night at youth club, or Saturday afternoon when she was leaving to go to the cinema with her mates I'd pipe up.... "Ah, about that consequence". She never knew what was coming so she couldn't figure out if it was worth being late or not.

DS1 - never grounded him because he would drive me fucking insane or just go out before I got home from work, so for him, I'd take the Wii and PS controllers to work with me.

I was more relaxed by the time my youngest hit the teens and it made my life a lot easier.

Don't sweat the small stuff... save your rage/worry/disappointment for the big shit that (if you are unlucky) goes down.

I had 4 teens...at the same time (the eldest three are a year apart each and then the youngest 3 years after) The girls... moody, got drunk at the park, fought over clothes but otherwise weren't too bad.
DS1 however... was evil. he turned into a raging angry ball of hormones. He stole from us, punched holes in walls... did all sorts of unbelievably stupid and dangerous stuff.

The ONLY thing that got us through, was a) being consistent. We had to grey rock his attempts to provoke us, but whenever he was faintly pleasant we engaged. B) hung on to the thought that THIS WILL PASS. It did. He started becoming human again at 17 and he is now a lovely, respectable adult

Don't threaten consequences if you aren't going to follow through... but it it's serious, BE serious.

TALK. Car journeys where they don't have to make eye contact , can be brilliant for really chatting .

Enjoy them. Some teens sail through, others (like DS1) struggle, but they are amazing emerging humans, figuring out their way in the world. Mine turned my hair grey, I swear, but they were also wonderful (in between slamming doors)

Give them chances to BE responsible, to BE independent.. don't smother.

I told mine that if they ever felt peer pressured into doing something, that deep down they knew was a really bad idea, they could back out by saying I'd grounded them/ was making them visit a relative or whatever... they could pretend I was a mean cow!
DD2 said her friends thought I was horribly strict, but it was her get out clause and she used it a few times :)

Thank you. I'm a single parent and quite intimidated by it all.

Let them fail safely.

Talk to them. Make a cuppa, sit down with no distractions and talk. My eldest son was scared to tell me he was gay, hid it for years. Sometimes it just needs the right opportunity for the conversation to flow. He's a lot happier now x

Gin, wine, beer whatever you fancy.
Best not to think about it too much and cross your fingers that everything is okay and it probably will be.
Yes horrible things happen in the world but most of us have little control over it, irrespective of how good a parent we have been. __

Don’t be nervous, they’re your children. Some people like to make out that teens are like another species almost. My teens were/are lovely. Lots are.

I've just gained a teenager and another in the making.. so far we are doing OK. I'm a single mother now and I have to say this is the stage I fear most 🥴 here for the comments.

Give them an out : sometimes they don't want to do something but Don't want to lose face in front of friends, I always told mine to blame me, along the lines of "my mum won't let me " " mum says no"
Talk: in the car is the best place to talk because you're not looking at each other.
Bite your tongue: everything has changed since we were growing up, we don't know what they're going through
Pick your battles: ask yourself is it worth fighting over
They are children: they may be developing adults bodies but they are still.children, children who appreciate little surprises like sweets on their bed or a new hoodie or surprise bar of chocolate
Hug them: they may push you away or wriggle away but keep hugging them and savour the hugs you get back
Love them: sounds so easy but the days that they push every button, you have pms, they are doing everything they can to aggravate you, are being lazy, untidy, entitled, so very hard to love is when they need you to love them most. When they are at their most unlovable is when they need the most love.
Heartbreak: they will go through heartbreak, don't minimise their feelings, just listen, no advice, just chocolate, ice cream and tissues. You can plot all you want in your head how to get revenge on whoever hurt your baby but don't say it to them
Open house: make their friends welcome, having them under your roof costs a fortune, teenagers eat a lot, but you know where they are, they are safe and you will have a fair idea of what's happening
Teenagers are great, they can make you laugh like nobody else, sent your blood pressure through the roof, eat amounts that would put sumo wrestlers to shame, cost a fortune, can shock you with both their stupidity and brilliance but when you get a hug it's so genuine
You'll be fine and so will your DC

To work hard at school!
It opens so many doors and life could have been a lot better.

I find it harder than any other stage so far.
Eldest is nearly 14. Mostly lovely but can be quite hormonal and grumpy.
I struggle with her moods so much. She has always been such an easy going and happy child. I find myself so anxious when she’s in a strop.
She is well behaved though. But I hate the occasional rudeness and treating me like I’m stupid. I NEVER spoke to my parents like that and I find it hard to accept. I worry about her and her future all the time( there are some medical issues that mean some of my anxiety is justifiable!)
I just miss the lovely little girl she was 3 years ago! She’s still amazing but…..
She is still my most precious thing.

Be really strict about screentime and checking his phone when he gets one.

Make sure boundaries and expectations are clear, e.g. tomorrow we are going to grandma's birthday, you will be ready to leave at x o'clock and you will have showered and washed your hair. I will wake you up at y o'clock.
We eat dinner at the same time every day and DCs know they need to have showered beforehand. Their bedtime is also fixed.

Congratulate them when they do well, notice when they make an effort with something, and when they want to talk about something (e.g. long and boring story about something boring/incomprehensible that happened at school/on the bus) be ready to listen even if you are actually up to your eyes in work or desperate for the loo.

If you can, be the house that welcomes them in - keep cheap pizza and ice pops in the freezer which DC know they can raid. If friends are welcome at yours you know who they are with, when they get a bit older, cos you've met them. We allowed friends to sleepover with little notice (but an insistence that said friend's parents knew where they were - meant when older and out at a party as friend was sleeping over there were, at least 2 walking home together and usually more as a gang walked together dropping off the girls at their doorstep en route).

Teens are funny, smart and can be really good company. Watch the stuff they like, find out about the music or authors or politics or whatever that they are into. Find a TV programme you all like, and watch it together. DH wasn't really a fan of bake off, but he'd watch with the DC.

Agree with car journeys for having conversations - time starting the convo so you've nearly arrived at the destination once you've has the chat, so not too long an awkward gap to fill. Difficult to achieve but what I mean is don't grill them at the beginning g of a 3 hour journey, do it towards the end so they can escape once chat over!

Keep going with family traditions (like TV prog as above) but adapt as they get older. If you can eat your evening meal together it's a chance to check in on a regular basis, even if they barely come out of their rooms otherwise.

I'm in the middle of it. It's physically much less demanding but emotionally exhausting.

Best advice I've had is, when they're being arsey to try and respond to the emotion not the words.

Great summary 😁👍

To which I would add; don’t take any of their strops personally even though it feels VERY personal! The rages are an inward reflection of how they are feeling.

Keep yourself buoyed up with friends and hobbies & lovely activities because the best parenting is setting a good example and you need to remain chilled and reasonably cheerful.

Be prepared to do a lot of chauffeuring at ungodly hours and have extra funds saved for uni/college/first deposits/tech demands if at all possible.

Read up on Andrew Tate and the manosphere, red/blue pill, etc. Really worrying stuff for young men on the internet and in schools.

They eat LOADS. Always make / buy more pasta, rice, bread and bananas than you think you could ever need.

My baby massage therapist said she started to offer her teenage son a hand or foot massage once a week, and that quiet time together transformed their relationship as it gave him a chance to open up to her. Mine are no teenagers yet but I have always remembered this.

BTW I’m nervous about the teen years too!

You hardly see the older teens and you need to be ready to let go.

Agree with lots of the above, particularly hugging them randomly until they pull away (sometimes they’ll surprise you how long they’ll tolerate it for). If they’re having a tough time and don’t want to talk, a small act of kindness (putting a hot chocolate in their room without saying a word etc) can open the floodgates or at least raise a smile. The teens have been my favourite stage so far, so don’t be scared of it - loads of teens make it through without causing a whole lot of drama!

Not all are teenagers are difficult, Op.
That's my advice. Always talk and be available for them too. Our ds, 18 (almost 19)a has honestly never brought us a moment of trouble. Kind, considerate, polite, hardworking, affectionate and responsible. He doesn't drink but if he goes to a music gig etc with mates he keeps in touch with me re getting home and as a result never needed a curfew when younger. He can stays out as late as he likes nowadays, but as a result, doesn't. We are both close to him which I think massively helps.
The majority of teenagers are okay, i think. All of ds's friends are lovely, polite and chilled and were when younger too. Don't buy into the trope that your child will hit their teen years and automatically become unrecognisable!

I've loved the teen stage, I'd take it any day over babies. My advice would be to help them keep on top of school work and have something you do with them that you both enjoy. Be aware that they need as much guidance and support at this age as they do at any age - and possibly much more!

Some great advice on here, am parking it up for when dd hits the teens!

I’m a single parent too OP. My son is 11.5 and is the most kind, caring, honest boy I could wish for…but I’m dreading the hormones and change in him. This post is very helpful-thank you!

Agree with all this, especially being open to finding things you all enjoy (which might not be what you’d otherwise choose). After all, you watched Balamory with them and that wouldn’t be your choice either. Find common ground so that you can do things together enjoyably. There will be times when you have to talk to them seriously so making sure you can also still relax together is importantly- don’t run the risk of having every exchange being you telling them to tidy up/do their homework/be home on time because that’s bad for your relationship. You’re still the fun person you were before and so are they.

Most teens are lovely. They can push boundaries because that’s what being a teen is about but don’t lose sight of the fact that they are still your lovable child and still need you to be their parent.

It’s great, honestly!

Ours are 19 and 16 and the teen years have been great.

They’re lovely young men, thoughtful (mostly), funny and they make me proud.

I don’t think we’ve done anything remarkable to get here. We pick our battles, are consistent with what’s important and if we say there will be a consequence to an action then we follow through with that. To be honest that’s no different to how we parented them when they were much younger so they know that we mean what we say.

Talking in the car is always a good option to avoid having to look at each other!

Accept that some of their choices will be different to what you’d expected / hoped for (in terms of GCSE choices, where to go for 6th form, hobbies etc) but accept that they’re their choices to make and as long as they’ve considered all options and haven’t overlooked something obvious, support them with that choice.

Keep them active - gym, sports etc and be prepared for their huge appetites - having a good supply of high protein, healthy foods is important!