What do you wish you'd known about the teenage years?

[coodawoodashooda]

Nervous to realise my eldest has nearly reached his teenage years. Any wise words?

Don't be the strict parent with rules for everything. Just have sensible boundaries and talk to them when they cross them. Explain your point of view and listen to theirs. Give them help, support and sympathy as needed. Ours had some big issues but there was little need for laying down the law - that kind of approach backfires on you often.

If something goes wrong wait before acting. We found vapes and would have gone all in shouting and ranting like my parents would have done.

But by sheer luck Dd was at a sleepover and we had a night out with wiser parents with older teens. Put it all in perspective. We didn’t go mad. We had a serious conversation but in a “let’s deal with this together” way. Dd stopped vaping our relationship wasn’t damaged and when the really bad serious thing happened she was able to come to us and have trust in us to deal with it together.

This is great advice, along with other pp’s
I especially like the advice about letting them know they are still loved though small actions. Every single day find something nice to say to them, eg you look nice in that sweatshirt, thank you for bringing your pots/laundry down (minor miracle) etc. Grey rock the crap.

My teenager is autistic but I think the things we do would help lots of teenagers.

The most important bit - which leads on from "choose your battles" - is to choose what's non-negotiable and be prepared for other things to take a back seat / shift to accomodate it. For example, during exam season, we help out A LOT with executive functioning type things like packing bags etc. If you want them to carry on with a sport, don't make them pay for it from their allowance. If they can't be arsed to spend time with grandparents, well hey they're coming over and we're getting a massive Chinese / Domino's delivery...

Ours is the eldest of 4 kids so we also try and acknowledge that there is a complex set of unwritten rules we're asking them to follow to make family life work - so, no we can't pick you up from a party at 11pm on a night that dad's out, but I will ask Jess's mum if she'll run you back if I take you both. Just treating them like a whole person with needs and wants just like an adult.

That teenagers and their friends, despite all the stress and worry, can be an absolute joy to be around 🧡. On a good day, so very funny and full of life and promise and energy, and when they give you a hug it's just the best feeling. You need to be prepared to let them go in small stages, whilst still being around to support whenever they need you. Honestly, it is a tricky road sometimes but also such a joy ... just like all stages of parenting.

That they're brilliant!

I love teenagers. So infinitely much more interesting than the 7-13 years which if I'm honest I found a bit of a grind at times. Enjoy the independence, the fact that they GO OUT and try new things, their brilliant friends, the bursts of helpfulness. One of my very favourite memories is ds helping me to set up the karaoke for my 49th birthday party. He was 14 and dh had died that year. I am not good at that kind of thing but we figured it out together, he demonstrated immense competence, and later on he and his friends were belting out Disney classics and laughing (kindly) at the mums doing Dolly Parton.

Give them huge amounts of praise. Appreciate them.

Keep an eye on the hug and kiss frequency. It's easy to get out of the habit of hugging your teen if they are a bit resistant - ds got very standoffish. I started saying 'incoming hug' to warn them and went in for it.

lol at touching any of my boys hairy- toed yeti feet when they were teens.
I think we move in different circles ..

Oh that's interesting. I used to silently gesture to ds to put his legs over mine on the sofa and I'd rub his feet too, plus actually get to clip his yeti nails occasionally. Again a way to keep physical contact going in a nonthreatening way.

When things are rather difficult:

-Don’t take it personally and listen to the emotion behind the words, rather than the words themselves

-Delay discussions until everyone has calmed down, and only engage when they are addressing you respectfully

-Listen and wait before diving in with a solution; sometimes they just need to off-load or park the problem with you temporarily, before taking ownership of it again

-Be prepared for them to come and sit on the end of your bed and discuss serious matters just as you are ready to sleep! 😁

-Be prepared that sometimes, when you are having a dispute, they will feel things very intensely, and their upset will leave you feeling perhaps angry or upset. But five minutes later, having off-loaded, they will be happily sitting on the sofa, munching popcorn and tickling the car, while you are still… stressed and upset … and now bewildered 😃😃

-Don’t follow them too closely down rabbit holes of anxiety to the extent that it damages your own mh. Take a step back and keep yourself well supported and distracted by friends and hobbies and live your best life as a mother of teens, because a lot of what they are going through is a normal stage of development which is a phase and therefore temporary, and our teens, despite pretending to ignore us, are actually watching very closely how we handle life, how we balance stress and enjoyment, and we need to give them optimism that being an adult is not all doom and gloom and has its fun bits and benefits as well as its trials and responsibilities!

-Pick your battles but be confident in your decisions. Make it clear you are saying no because you love them too much to allow them to x, y or z. You are not their friend, you are their parent.

-Tell them that you love them a lot; especially when they are being a pita, because that’s when they need to hear it most.

There are plenty of absolutely lovely teenagers. We all have our moments.

Pick your battles.
Give them responsibility before they become teens.
Try to have 1:1 with each of them.
Don't worry about clothes and hair (much).

My middle child broke me. Quite genuinely. I will never be as happy again.

He's 22 and we still struggle.

Sometimes it just is awful. Be honest with your friends how unhappy you are. Don't pretend it's fine.

This comes from memories of being a teen (I’m not at that stage with my
own kids yet) but: take them seriously. My mum found almost everything about my teenage self comical/satirical. I’m sure I was a selfish pain in the arse at times, but I basically stopped telling her anything important or that I took seriously because I knew she’d laugh at me. I suspect she now wonders why weren’t not close…

I did an activity with dd2 when she was 13-14 and going through a hideous time with “friends”. It was so valuable she really talked to me then and we worked through what to do and she did it. We were both pretty hopeless at the activity and it petered out but for that 18 months it was invaluable.

As a 16 year old with size 11’s? X

Honest answer from an ex- teacher now Adolescents Team Social Worker:

DO NOT ALLOW YOUR U17 CHILD TO HAVE A SMART PHONE OR SOCIAL MEDIA.

Become part of the change in what has become the norm and is harming children in previously unimaginable ways from a safeguarding and emotional health and well being perspective.

Also encourage a part time job as early as possibly. It gives so much to young people for so many reasons, not just cash.

Don’t undermine your children’s teachers.

Model the type of behaviour you want to teach your children.

Mine are now 22, 18 and 16, and i have found the teenage years the best out of all the stages of parenting.

My biggest advice is take interest in their interests. My eldest would talk to me about BMX, scooters and skateboards for hours, id watch his videos of stunts and ask questions, support his grungey style and long hair, listen to his music recommendations even though it couldnt be further from my own tastes. My other 2 are gamers, id ask about the games, what they are doing, what games are coming out, ask about other games etc. My youngest id go to concerts of music she loves, listen with her, discuss news and upcoming albums. id talk about heir clothing, school, listen to playground gossips and fall outs etc.

Allow them not to be involved. On holiday my middle son had a show he was obsessed with coming out, he chose to spend a full day sat on the terrace watching his show. Not how i would spend a day on holiday, but he was entitled to that choice. Always offer them to attend, but if they dont want to, dont make a big deal out of it, they have their own mind and simple acts of respect to their choices go along way. My eldest didnt come ona holiday at 17 as there was a skating event the same week, it wasnt an issue, my mum fed and kept an eye on him.

Give them responsibilities. I stopped washing uniforms for them at highschool age, if they want clean clothes for school, its on them. One night a week they had to cook, even something as simple as pasta and pesto they can manage. They have to contribute to the household, i found rotating it worked best, one cooks, one washes up, one has a night off worked really well.

Lastly, apologise when you are wrong. There are times the aggrevate me and i snap and shout, but afterwards i always apoligise and explain what it was that happened that annoyed me. Again, its just showing them respect, and if they see you taking responsibility when you are wrong, they will too.

Ive found teens so rewarding, we can have intelligent balanced conversations, where are views may differ, but they listen to my opinion and why its different. They are fun, we can laugh, they do want to spend time with me because its their choice, and most of teh time come with me if i offer them a trip out somewhere. Teenagers are for the most part, amazing, my kids and their friends are all wonderful people i enjoy spending time with.

Sorry it would have been impossible to ban phones for our sociable teens until they were 17. They are integral to how teens communicate with their friends whether you like it or not. We tried we really tried but it led to parentally enforced social isolation and they hated us for it. Easy to say ban phones almost impossible to actually do. Think the Australia total ban for everyone is the only solution.

Yes this is of course tricky -old style non- smart phones still allow texting/calls, however…

I am also advocating for a total ban and think in meantime parents need to inform themselves of the risks and take more responsibility for their teens access to socials/ online content/ screen time/ and existing via the online world

more generally

Unless you have appropriate parental controls in place, are monitoring their use and doing spot checks - (because you are clear you actually own and will therefore control the device) you are letting your kids navigate the Wild Wild West.

And when it goes wrong, which it frequently, does it can be catastrophic.

OP, it saved my sanity to keep reminding myself that living with teenagers is natures way of ensuring they get kicked out of the nest 😂

Both of mine (boy and girl) were bloody awful for long periods of time, but never all the time?

So when they start giving backchat, leaving detrius everywhere they go, grow penicillin in their bedroom, roll their eyes at everything you say....etc etc, just repeat to yourself 'It's just natures way of ensuring they irritate me enough to ensure they become independent' 😉

Sorry I am touchy about phone use because we failed. We said no and really wanted to keep saying no but faced with a weepy 13 year old saying our rules were making her left out of her friendship group and all the other parents thinking we were unreasonable nutters we caved.

We literally only know one family that managed no phones and yes their kids are socially excluded and seen as odd. Maybe parents of younger teens are managing this better than us gen xers did.

Bloody hard isn’t it xx

I can’t see a total ban here for the foreseeable.
And of course for individual sets of parents it’s a nigh on impossible and unsurmountable task to close the stable door as it were alone in a vacuum.

no judgement here duck xx
I suppose I was just making a point from a professional perspective in a generic way rather than in a direct and practical response to the OP.
xx

Would have been sooo much easier if other parents had banned phones but nope was just us holding out as the weirdo lone wolves. Kudos to anyone that manages it without their child hating them / having a secret entirely uncontrolled phone.

Dds friends dad threw her phone in their garden pond but she just got a secret burner one.

Literally impossible to ban smartphones from teens. All their homework is assigned on an app, the exam timetable and seating plan for GCSEs is on another app, bus tickets are on an app and that’s even before you get to the more social side of things.

Stringent controls of the phone and the wifi, an open loving honest relationship where they can come to you if they need to and charging it outside the bedroom at night is what’s needed.

At 18 you are still just as much of a hormonal numpty as you are at 14 imo and to just be given a smartphone and popped off to uni is not going to end well. This is a digital world and it’s our responsibility to teach teens how to safely navigate it.

Have some, but not many, important boundaries that you consistently and without exception enforce. The rest let go and go with the flow.
It's not personal.