To be furious at husband for secretly vaping while Ttc

[mmmkayyyy]

Posting here because of anonymity. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year, I have two children already from previous relationship and he has none. He used to be a smoker but quit last year when we decided we wanted a baby. Today I found empty vape items in his bag. I'm so upset as I feel like I've been carrying the burden of this going on for so long and no baby (except one miscarriage last year). He said he's been doing it when he's stressed but he will switch to nicotine gum. I feel violated as I didn't consent to having chemical-laden semen in my body while TTC. I've told him im not having sex with him anymore. Aibu?

Yeah @Summerflames it wasn't a holiday shag or anything! I literally got pregnant in the first 10 days of trying, and we had no expectation of that happening at all as I had PCOS and hadn't ovulated in a few years...

But hey. That's MN for you. All judge and little human fucking interaction these days.

YANBU - TTC is a long and stressful process for many women. Ignore the posters who have decided to run with 'chemical laden sperm', and dismissed the stress you are under and the dishonesty of your husband, focus on those up thread who have bothered to listen.

There is much on MN about unfairness of the emotional load that women and mothers take carry in their relationships. Yet here you are taking on the main burden, being as healthy as you can, and your husband is not keeping up his end of a very reasonable deal. What the first thing many posters (predominantly women) do? Rip the piss out of a couple of emotional laden words whilst ignoring the bigger issue. Sometimes women are the worst enemies of women.

Its understandable that you are angry, but you do also need to let go of it to move forward. People make mistakes, take a breath and then sit down with your husband to talk about how you can both alleviate the your respective stresses and move forward.

I have some sympathy for the partner/DH. It's really hard to quit smoking.

I also appreciate that's obviously really important to the OP that he quit so it's understandable that she's unhappy.

YABU

Giving up smoking is incredibly difficult and he’s done very well to do so.

He’s obviously not vaping very often as you would have known before now and so I wouldn’t be upset over this.

I don’t like vaping but if having one every now and then stops him from smoking cigarettes, then I’d be fine with it.

I’d be more concerned about why he’s so stressed out and whether this is the right time to TTC.

This.

"Of course you would, good lord, this post has me in despair, are we really that snowflakey now?"

Just one of the many shitty comments on this thread. OP is clearly having a hard time, do you think you could be a little kinder and more constructive?

There are some really shitty comments on here.
@mmmkayyyy I completely understand why you are so upset.
I would be, as well.

I feel violated as I didn't consent to having chemical-laden semen in my body

Fuck me OP you need to get a grip. Having a sneaky vape doesn’t constitute sexual assault.

Who wants this pregnancy? You or both of you?

This! I'm so pleased I was born in a time when people just got on with life instead of trying to micro manage everything and everyone.

YAB very fucking U.

We were told at a fertility appointment that vaping had been tested on rats and was shown to half the size of their testicles, so you may want to share that with him. I'd be pissed off about the lying!

My husband conceived his first two children with his ex wife whilst smoking 20 a day (I assume he put it out before doing the deed but who knows, I wasn't there🤷‍♀️) Going from the select samples of males I have slept with my husband has very generously sized testicles and I cannot report any shrinkage. Sadly all this report proves is that vaping is clearly bad for rats.....as long as you are trying to conceive with an adult human male you should be fine.

Meant to quote @Matildahoney !

I think I'll listen to a fertility expert thanks!

Smoking is not vaping.

Did he smoke when your other kids were conceived?

I think this is more serious than other people are taking it. If a man lies and claims to be infertile, say, but then was found to be not, there is a good claim to say that any sex was not consensual. If this guy was lying about the vaping and having sex, this could have been non consensual too which is very serious matter and I would consider leaving him or more

And you’re right to be. And the eye-rolling responders need to have a little think.

I would have exploded at mine if he had been smoking when we were ttc - or vaping if that had been around then. He is a total idiot.

Do you actually now want to have a baby (or be in a relationship) with someone who lies to you and sneaks around behind your back? I wouldn’t.

He’s not the father, as stated in the op.

In my book it constitutes completely unacceptable behaviour when ttc.

OP is right to be bloody furious with the idiot.

And let’s knock off all the stupid comments about how most blokes smoked fifty years ago. Surely you know that fertility rates are falling - we were ttc almost thirty years ago and DH was quizzed by our consultant on whether he smoked and how much he drunk. This isn’t a new concern -aside from it being vaping rather than smoking.

And both me and my brother were premature, sickly babies with jaundice. My mum smoked 20 a day while
Pregnant.

TTC is very stressful so I understand your frustration but I think you need to really consider things from your DP POV.
Was he keeping this from you because of how you would react? Judging from your OP you seem very likely to overreact.

You want to create a life with this man. Start having a bit more compassion, if he gave up smoking and is now vaping that's a massive step. It's a fucking addiction and it's difficult, also vaping helps with stress .... which sounds like your situation is full off.

YABVVVU. You can't control what a grown man is doing. If this is a deal breaker then have a baby with someone else but vaping really isn't that deep. Hence why the NHS actually use E cigarettes and vape kits as part of their quit smoking campaign.

He's given up smoking, that's really hard. Cut him some slack.

Take a deep breath op. I get where you are coming from and I suspect after experiencing a miscarriage you are very worried a out ttc a healthy baby and I suspect your reaction is linked to that as well. Of course vaping isn't healthy but the reality is there are lots of contaminants in our air, food and water and we cannot avoid them all. M/c are very sad when you experience them but are a very natural part of reproduction and not usually because of something you have done. Try to not feel quite so much rage....at least he hasn't begin smoking again. Talk with him about how else you can deal with stress and make sure he knows its because you care about his health rather than all about ttc because that can put a huge strain on your relationship.