To be furious at husband for secretly vaping while Ttc

[mmmkayyyy]

Posting here because of anonymity. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year, I have two children already from previous relationship and he has none. He used to be a smoker but quit last year when we decided we wanted a baby. Today I found empty vape items in his bag. I'm so upset as I feel like I've been carrying the burden of this going on for so long and no baby (except one miscarriage last year). He said he's been doing it when he's stressed but he will switch to nicotine gum. I feel violated as I didn't consent to having chemical-laden semen in my body while TTC. I've told him im not having sex with him anymore. Aibu?

He used to be a smoker but quit last year when we decided we wanted a baby

We or you?

How old are you? If it's over a year you're probably up for being able to speak to a dr about it.

Does he definitely want a baby as much as you?

I can imagine TTC from his end is stressful after a year (I know I found it hard!) and perhaps occasionally vaping is helping relieve that. Stress isn't conducive to TTC either!

I do think "chemical laden semen" is a slightly dramatic way of talking about it OP, but I did enjoy the phrasing 😂

He wants the baby more than me..I'd be okay with just my two

Well his dodgy vape sperm is your perfect excuse then

I laughed out loud. Thanks for that 🤣

Well, if this is real, then he now knows he should run like the wind. If he chooses to stay and try to procreate with you, he knows what he is getting into and he shouldn't whine about it later.

Gently a bit YABU for your post being so over the top BUT TTC for a YEAR messes with your head. And you're right, you're the one carrying the burden and he doesn't get it. If he's the one pushing for a baby and he can't even give up smoking for it, maybe he's not ready for it and doesn't really appreciate what a baby involves.

Take a break. Re-assess your relationship and your plans. Maybe another baby is not on the cards and you need to discuss that because it's not fair on you to keep TTC for his sake.

@DotDotDashDot24 That is an American article. Not British. There are no restrictions on safety and monitoring over there. There is in the U.K.

That doesn't mean vaping is 100% safe. However, in the u.k, it is far safer.

NICE guidelines (NHS) advocate vaping over smoking. They also say whilst it's preferable that a person wanting to conceive not to smoke or vape the vape is the safer choice.

The company I used is totally wicked the founding fathers of vape in the U.K. they have a full non toxin report on their website.

Also, the local totally wicked here is commissioned by the local NHS stop smoking clinic.

Whilst giving up vape is ideal, it is 95% safe, leaving 5% for any unknown long-term risks

I got pregnant during a holiday where I smoked my head off and drank buckets and buckets of alcohol over the course of two weeks.

I mean...chemical laden semen. You're being a bit dramatic don't you think? He is still a sentient human with the ability to make his own choices regarding his own habits and health.

Honestly I'd tell you to fuck back right off.

I wouldn’t be bragging about this

@Coldsore I don't think it's bragging, it's making the (correct) point that many people have unhealthy lifestyle habits and still manage to conceive perfectly healthy babies. That's not to say you shouldn't modify your behaviour when you know you're pregnant of course.

OP YANBU and yet again I query why I bother with this website (hard to break the habit)

it’s pretty basic that when you’re TTC you are trying to be your healthiest. You take vitamins, your partner takes vitamins, you usually cut down on alcohol/caffeine/cigarettes or give them up altogether. Why? Because yes, your eggs and sperm will be healthier, higher quality and less likely to fail.

after such a long time TTC and with a miscarriage under your belt, of course you feel betrayed. You are probably giving up a lot to be your healthiest self and it must feel like he’s selfishly sabotaging that.

i had a family member whose husband’s sperm was the issue and refused to stop drinking. I personally would have given up TTc as he clearly wasn’t committed about it and I would give you the same advice here.

@Coldsore it's a fact. Had been back a week when I started to feel sick...

Unless you think everyone who is TTC stays entirely sober. In which case you'd be very very naive.

Haha amazing.

I haven't TTC for decades, but a quick google does say there might be issues with nicotine and sperm quality, mobility so switching to gum won't help if it concerns you.

Thankfully we didn't know that when dh was smoking all through us TTC (he quit after ds was born 20 years ago)

It isn't much of a brag.

Christ almighty, just when you think you've read it all.....
Whatever you do OP, don't go outside and breathe in any car fumes will you, he won't want to put his dick in your chemical laden vagina!

I lived my life normally while ttc which included smoking, drinking and nights out. All stopped once I was pregnant obviously. I think your reaction is a bit ott to be honest.

Op there are chemicals in meat,veg,fruit,and all processed foods/drinks.

There are also chemicals in deodorant skin care etc etc so unless you use absolutely everything organic and chemical free and don't breathe in chemicals in any way then I think your over reacting here.

I can understand you being upset he's been keeping it from you and that's not right on his part but he obviously feels he can't tell
You as your being cross with him will make him turn to vapes as well as other stresses.

And before anyone says it no I'm not victim blaming I'm suggesting that unless you've been addicted to cigarettes or vapes it's hard to see how hard it is to stop especially if that's his vice when he's stressed

It's funny you say that as I don't use deodorant and buy organic where I can, toxin free skincare etc. it's very important to me so that's probably why I am more upset x

It's really tough TTC for over a year. The OP may be overreacting a tad but it's very understandable. People on this thread could be a bit kinder.

@mmmkayyyy

Ah that would make more sense now.

Have you spoken to him about it since you found the vapes?

Sadly you can't force someone to stop
Doing something even if it does go against every belief you have as their partner.

Maybe suggest you stop ttc for a while and explain it's because you don't feel he's fully on board with it

Survival is a different subject from this one, I think.

Thank you that's good advice

Thank you I really appreciate your input