Feeling that I will never belong anywhere because I am mixed race.

[thisplaceiscraziness]

Off the back of another thread I thought it of interest to ask here on experiences of being mixed race or how you see mixed race people . I often feel like I don’t belong in any community.
I feel judged for not being enough of one race or another.

Seen as black but not accepted as such by the community due to being lighter skinned. Often being rejected or seen as trying to be black.

Not feeling like the white community fully accept me, exclusion from social events or conversations or worse, being hounded by assumptions and the idea that it’s ok to talk to me about race or immigration in an offensive way as i’m mixed and 3rd generation.

I experience racism & exclusion for being black and the same for not being black enough.

I shamefully veer from immersing myself in black culture/ politics to avoiding it for feeling stupid or like an imposter.

I don’t know where else I can ask anonymously and get honest responses.

I have realised am 35 and don’t know where I belong. I have 4 children and don’t want to pass this lack of self worth on to them.

Can anyone relate or tell me how you view mixed race people?

I am mixed too and I've found that I can drive myself crazy trying to work this one out and trying to second guess how other people see me . It can become an unhealthy fixation, but there is no actual answer available. It's something you have to try and find your own peace with. My personal strategy is not to think about it too much, try and appreciate being neither here nor there, and just try and muddle through life best I can.

@Campestris Thankyou - when I was younger I didn’t care, even being proud of being some kind of middle found and having access to understand 2 different communities.
I wish I could get back to feeling like this.

But recently i’ve found it’s been bothering me more - mostly my own behaviours.
This desperado act of wanting to fit somewhere.

I think you are right and you have a healthy attitude of acceptance.

I would say that anyone who is racist to you for being black or not black enough is an utter raging racist who you should have nothing to do with.

in terms of belonging, I would try to feel that you belong in your family.

tell me how you view mixed race people?

....that they are often very physically attractive.

I don't judge people by the pigment saturation in the skin- crazy notion. I make friends regardless of the skin colour.

I am a white woman but I find some white men, black men, mixed men attractive... depends on the specific example:))

I'm mixed race as well (different mix to you!) and I totally get it. I still experience the prejudice, and sometimes I think I'll lose my shit if one more person says, "where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?"

You can't change how other people view you. Some people are stupid, that's all. You belong to both cultures, you and your children have deep roots in both cultures. As @Campestris says, you just have to find your own peace.

Where do you live @thisplaceiscraziness ? I find that this can have quite an impact on your sense of self.

I'm mixed race as well. My children can pass as full white (phew - they won't have the poor experiences I have had)

I have been asked at times if my kids are mine as they are both fair with blue eyes. Especially annoying at the school when teachers are meeting me for the first time. The back and forth looks, measuring up features.

I know the feeling well. Add in being well spoken, educated with a foreign accent, and it's never ending the assumptions and presumptions about me or my experiences in life.

I try not to dwell on it and treat everyone I meet as equals and to not tribe myself with any particular group. However, subconsciously, I do find that I gravitate towards other minorities.

I stay on top of politics and events that are relevant to me and that I should be aware of as a person of colour. Unfortunately, politics and world events are making it more hostile towards poc, and brexit continues to push 'othering' agendas. And, let's not mention Rwanda.

As fucking cliché as this is going to come across. I think before anyone else can truly accept you, you have to accept yourself for who you are. Not who you think others want you to be or who you should be.

First and foremost, I am a woman. My skin colour, background, education, or anything else doesn't matter. This is where I find solidarity and where I fit in best.

The Mixed - Race Experience by Naomi and Natalie Evans. I’m reading it right now. It’s a good book and may be of interest to you.

I'm sorry you’re feeling like this, OP.

I'm mixed, also 3rd gen. I personally couldn't care less how people view me.

I grew up in a very diverse area, in London though where race or ethnicity has never been a problem. I went to school with a lot of 2nd gen kids so ethnicity just was what it was and no one thought anything of it.

We were all brought up in English London culture though, religion and not eating bacon sandwiches was kept for keeping your mum happy, church and sundays.

I identify as English and have always been accepted as.

My white, working class husband has experienced more prejudice (recently, from white middle class liberals no less) than I ever have. I've experienced none.

I'm mixed race and don't relate but I look white and most people don't notice that I'm mixed even my kids think I'm white 🤣

It must be very difficult to be mixed race and feel you fall between two camps.
I’m white and very fair skinned as well and rather envy the skin colour of mixed race women who always look great in dresses and sleeveless tops.To my mind it’s the best of both worlds, from a shallow point of view I realise.
if I were you I’d just be you and not try to be accepted by black people or white people, then the nicer ones will be friendly to you anyway.💐

My daughter's mixed race and reading things like this makes me sad. I don't want to hijack your post OP, but is there anything your parents/ family could've done to stop you from feeling this way?

I am bisexual and there are perhaps some parallels there, we all have a personal identity but also different social identities to fit into the people around us and help us to refine who we are (in psychology this is Social Identity Theory / Self-categorisation Theory). There's no real bisexual community, there are lots of misconceptions about us from heterosexuals, but we are also often rejected by lesbians (I lost my lesbian friendship group after 10 years of being in relationships with women when I started to see a man). Research shows that the mental health of bisexual people is worse than that of lesbians and gay men, probably because there is no natural community. This not fitting into one place or another is probably similar with race and ethnicity.

I'm so sorry you feel that way OP. I cam sort of relate in part, I'm not mixed race but I am from a mixed upbringing, born abroad, brought up abroad in a different country, now live in UK. I don't really belong to any of these countries. The experiences I had growing up were very different and make my birth country seem quite alien and I don't relate to people from that country. But I now have few ties to the country of upbringing as family has all.moved away. I am not British and I don't feel British but yet I've lived here longer than anywhere. My name is clearly foreign too so people expect me to be different.
I don't think this is as much as you are experiencing and I have no real advice to give I'm afraid. but I suppose to say the only place I feel it doesn't matter is London because no one seems to care here. That's why I love it.

I treat mixed race people the same as anybody else I am Cypriot
people don’t know where I’m from. I get asked if I am mixed race , Indian, Spanish you name it im user used to it
i used have a lot of racism growing up mainly from white kids but no race accepts me really because I don’t look like any race -so I’m just mysel
I don’t Live near a Cypriot community
my daughter is half Jamaican half Cypriot and she 10 so far she doesn’t see colour

That's not a good thing.

She needs to acknowledge someone's background and ethnicity then just get on with it.

I have had to deal with racist people on behalf of other people and vice versa. If I didn't acknowledge people's background and ethnicity I wouldn't be aware that some people are deliberately trying to be offensive and in some cases cause a fight.

Btw my daughter is mixed and many strangers presume myself and her dad aren't her parents there as her mixed adult cousins or our random friends of various ethnicities are automatic assumed to be her parent.

I look at it that everyone is mixed really. We're all just layers of different races and people. Especially being British. I laugh when people get so anti English/Scottish whatever because its just flagging up ignorance of their own history.

If anyone judges us because of what we are or how we look rather than our actions then they're dumb and not worth our time.l

This is so sad to hear.

Hello OP. I am sorry to hear how you feel and so many can relate. I'm another outlier to your discussion, in that I am a white woman BUT I have never felt I fit in either because I experienced child abuse within a moneyed middle class culture, but it was especially violent with shades of sexual abuse, and I cut my entire family off in my 20s, for the sake of my healing, and this combination makes me different from normal people. I have gone through life with a massive burden of psych issues to wade through, and I used to think I didn't fit in anywhere. To survivors, I am rich and posh and it couldn't have been that bad. To my own class, I am a fallen person who must have been bad and deserved it.

I wrote and published my own self help book about ten years ago, having worked in the industry helping survivors of abuse and voilence flee and find safety, and I helped them come to terms with it for so long, parallel with doing my own self help, and one day I thought, you know, I have all this child abuse crap that separates me from others in my mind (Lucky them, none of them understand, look at the mean and ignorant comments I get for not having a family etc etc) and I realised - yes I have that issue, but there are other issues in life that I do not wield, and I am thankful for that. It was quite a profound moment of realisation and it helped me a lot.

I also think (being a new age hippy now) that we have come into the age of Aquarius, which says that we are all diverse and different but we all matter and are of equal value. So when I look around I think, that person has suffered lots of death, that one had an accident, that one lost a baby, that person is not very well, that person lost a parent young and so on, whatever it may be, and I can see that myself, that person who suffered child abuse and cut her family off in order to heal - that's my lot, and I bear it and look more kindly on others bearing other things. I feel I belong with them and the 'normal people' are other to us, except there aren't too many 'normal people' because everyone seems to bear something at some point in their life. I have worked with 'others' all my career really and we are one big happy group now, where everyone gets to self express and be who they are and find their way.

I'm sorry you field so many stupid comments and that this issue is being thrust onto your back for no good reason. I'm sorry you feel different. I too feel different. I think lots of us privately do.

Sorry for the long post x I just wanted to say hi from another 'other' x

Leanne Pinnock (Little Mix) did a fantastic documentary that focused a lot on her mixed heritage and how she feels about fitting in. If you haven't seen it yet it might be worth watching, and watching with your kids: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p09fy1qy

I can empathise OP, I’m mixed raced but both races look the same so I don’t get as much racism as I’m sure you’ve had. I’ve realised that for me it comes from my own personal confidence. For years I heard that I was “only half” from various family members on both sides, I no longer mix with them. I’m very proud of both sides and my heritage which I embrace at every opportunity; through food, clothes, travel etc. I’m very proud to be part of each culture (as well as British) and I fit in when I choose to. I feel part of the culture/ community and any racist family members are just not in my life any more. I hope you find your happy place OP.

I'm white but consider mixed race as a race of its own. Maybe it is time to use another word than 'mixed'.

My kids are mixed race all girls as well, and I think having me as a black mother - they feel closer to that side of their heritage, it helps that they have two strong black women in terms of their mum (me) and their brown grandmother to fall back on, plus I have similar hair to theirs - I know they will one day grow up and have to deal with the crap the outside world throws at them but until then I teach them to love themselves and everything about them.

It’s a bit uncomfortable reading the ‘mixed race people are good looking / I am so jealous of mixed race people / I don’t even NOTICE someone’s race. Haven’t we moved on from this?

I think I know where you're coming from. I'm half Black but I don't really know any people who are Black and only one or two who aren't white. I am very resistant to stereotyping and find the way Black Americans talk to be utterly baffling, it is a completely different culture to any one I have ever experienced (I'm British, but even still) I don't like the way that US race politics have infiltrated the UK. That said, I am keenly aware of racism and also aware of my privilege in being mixed race and upper middle class. I actually don't feel that I don't fit in with upper class white people, I largely do, but even still there are moments which are jarring.