Feeling that I will never belong anywhere because I am mixed race.

[thisplaceiscraziness]

Off the back of another thread I thought it of interest to ask here on experiences of being mixed race or how you see mixed race people . I often feel like I don’t belong in any community.
I feel judged for not being enough of one race or another.

Seen as black but not accepted as such by the community due to being lighter skinned. Often being rejected or seen as trying to be black.

Not feeling like the white community fully accept me, exclusion from social events or conversations or worse, being hounded by assumptions and the idea that it’s ok to talk to me about race or immigration in an offensive way as i’m mixed and 3rd generation.

I experience racism & exclusion for being black and the same for not being black enough.

I shamefully veer from immersing myself in black culture/ politics to avoiding it for feeling stupid or like an imposter.

I don’t know where else I can ask anonymously and get honest responses.

I have realised am 35 and don’t know where I belong. I have 4 children and don’t want to pass this lack of self worth on to them.

Can anyone relate or tell me how you view mixed race people?

I don't think you can compare something invisible, such as sexual orientation, with something as visible as race.

I don't think you can compare something invisible, such as sexual orientation, with something as visible as race.

It's not just about what people see though, it's about whether you feel you have a sense of community, and that goes much deeper than just what people look like. It's not so much strangers' reaction to you. It's about your relationships and the groups that you fit within. Having people who understand you and share similar experiences as you and have your back is important to all of us. if we don't see our experiences reflected in other people, we can feel what's known as existential loneliness, which some studies indicate is one of the worst sorts of loneliness to experience.

All.my heritage is white but my dad's parents were immigrants from eastern Europe and I grew up.with both UK and my eastern European heritage/culture. When I meet people from that or neighbouring countries I don't feel shunned by them - it is just nice to share a bit of that heritage. I guess that only my surname indicates anything different about me and British people (regardless of colour) ask about it's origin and are always nice when I explain. As per pp there is a difference as it is not Visual through skin colour.

My daughter is mixed race and says there is zero education or awareness ever brought up in school about this or discussed as part of any diversity in her school.

I feel as if I don't have a community either. I'm mixed culture (I tick the 'White other' box on forms), bisexual and high masking AuDHD. I have developed a deep sense of being inauthentic that I never used to feel growing up.
I wonder whether the whole 'culture wars' thing has played into my feelings? Before the concept of cultural appropriation was widely known, I remember feeling comfortable with claiming little bits of identity from here and there.

Depends on the school my son is mixed and his school does a lot to raise awareness but this is a diverse school in London. So perhaps that's more down to where you live.

But it's not a race of its own. It's having mixed heritage, coming from different backgrounds and a need to feel embraced and welcomed in both, as well as being accepted wherever you have landed.

Mixed heritage or mixed race replaces words which caused offence.

Other wise what word can people use to describe themselves? I'm also mixed race. I'm not a new race of my own. I'm the combination of two different people from two different places. I belong in both cultures. I'm not a new race.

This is also my experience. I think being born in London makes a massive difference. I've never experienced real racism although there were definitely times at school when I was picked on by some black girls for not being black enough or trying too hard to be white. These days it's more common to see overt racism directed at white people by white peoples and others too 🤷🏽‍♀️

@DoritosFries that's really good to know - we live in Scotland so it's just generally batshit here.

If there are any resources or videos etc that you have that I can share with my daughter's school that would be great.

I cannot relate to your experience. However, I grew up in London with lots of mixed race people.

How do I see mixed race people? Like people, honestly I have no opinion from a race perspective as it's not something that matters at all but it's interesting trying to work out interesting mixes from a purely curiosity perspective eg I have half English half Japanese friends and they look Hispanic/Polynesian, whereas another friend is half Pakistani, 1/4 Scottish and 1/4 Cote D'ivoire- she's absolutely gorgeous by the way, jaw dropping

It's just pigment at the end of the day though, all the same underneath, but I do know some ethnic communities are more colour conscious than us pasty white types! I can't imagine being in your shoes not feeling like i belong though i can reassure you than I like most people really are not bothered

There's also the racism that comes from our own family members when we've married out of the expected cultural norms.

I am mixed race (not black). I never cared what colour anyone was but in high school it became apparent that one side didn't accept me. I don't know if it's because I'm white passing (light olive) and my skin was so much lighter than theirs or if it was just because I was mixed and it would have been the same whatever my skin looked like.
White people however accepted me with no reference to my race. This is probably as I more or less looked white and everyone assumed I was English.
I married a white person and our children are really white. All my friends are white (I live in a predominantly white area) they know I am mixed race and it's never been brought up.
I would love friends of all cultures but unfortunately my experience is they don't want to be friends with me.

But it's not a race of its own
I know that. My point is that that's how I perceive it nowadays, especially 3rd generation. After all, many people are mixed race, it's just a question of how others perceive us and which race we feel we belong to most.

My adult kids are dark skinned and it's hard to know where they are from. They also have generic foreign expat accents. They look and sound nothing like me. I find it strange that if you ask them where they are from they don't have a set answer but it doesn't seem to bother them in the slightest. I find it odd as I 'feel' English (also British) It's interesting chatting to them about it. I think the fact they are close and are all in the same position as siblings makes it ok.

One was called a 'foreigner' and berated for stealing English people's jobs once but apart from that they say they've never been aware of experiencing any racism.

They don't seem to have any need to belong to any ethnic or cultural group or any nationality.

You might be interested in the stories here mixedracefaces.com/mrfhome

I still don't think you can compare orientation and race. Two completely different things and I find your comparison to be derailing.

I'm mixed as well. But my family is also mixed so that helps. Growing up,I hung with mixed groups. In adulthood, this has been harder to find. Though I just don't look mixed with some of what I'm mixed with.

Just to add, my mum is mixed with black and Chinese. Dad mixed with Greek Cypriot and English.

I really dislike it when someone tells a mixed race person that 'everyone is mixed race.' I am half white and half Asian. I faced a lot of racism as a child but not so much now (in my 20s). I haven't met anyone the same mix as me apart from my siblings.

I think my experience is marred by some complex upbringing stuff - so perhaps the way i feel on reflection is partly this. So if your not abusive then i’d say your already winning and you clearly care for your daughter.
I suppose i’d just say celebrate all parts of her and just notice her for who she is - as you probably already do.

i heard a great statement today - Michelle obama’s mum died and one of the reflections was that her mum would always say something like - “don’t worry about if other people like you - come home - we will always like you here.”
I wish i was told that as a kid - maybe that’s a good one to say 🥰

I still don't think you can compare orientation and race. Two completely different things and I find your comparison to be derailing.

I see parallels in being in the middle of different communities without a clear community of your own, and not being accepted by either. People can take it or leave it though, I suggest you just move on.

I love this and wish I knew you in real life - could you let me know your book, given my life i might find it helpful 🥰

Thanks so much to everyone - i’m in a real period of self adjustment and awareness and trying to iron out my kinks etc
I think reading all of your responses regardless of if your mixed or not the general consensus seems to be this is much more about how we see ourselves as we can do sweet nothing about how others see us.
I can see how the bisexual experience has so many commonalities - thanks for your thoughts.

If anything this thread has taught me a few things about the focus being on coming back to myself.
I have certainly been affected by the US race discourse and this is probably what triggered my sense of alienation.
I grew up in a white middle class area and my black family have a lot of trauma / generational issues which i think meant i could never fully benefit from the culture which saddens me greatly.

I think that i’ve just got a bit lost overall and need to just get back to finding joy.
I do have friends and family that care for me , i think the thing i’ve been doing is swinging away from caring for myself and looking for reasons that im not right.

i make myself not fit in and it’s probably deeper than my skin colour!
Id really like to be friends with each of you !
here’s to being human - however that comes !

My book is called Purple Dragon Mother: Healing from Child Abuse xxx