Feeling that I will never belong anywhere because I am mixed race.

[thisplaceiscraziness]

Off the back of another thread I thought it of interest to ask here on experiences of being mixed race or how you see mixed race people . I often feel like I don’t belong in any community.
I feel judged for not being enough of one race or another.

Seen as black but not accepted as such by the community due to being lighter skinned. Often being rejected or seen as trying to be black.

Not feeling like the white community fully accept me, exclusion from social events or conversations or worse, being hounded by assumptions and the idea that it’s ok to talk to me about race or immigration in an offensive way as i’m mixed and 3rd generation.

I experience racism & exclusion for being black and the same for not being black enough.

I shamefully veer from immersing myself in black culture/ politics to avoiding it for feeling stupid or like an imposter.

I don’t know where else I can ask anonymously and get honest responses.

I have realised am 35 and don’t know where I belong. I have 4 children and don’t want to pass this lack of self worth on to them.

Can anyone relate or tell me how you view mixed race people?

I'm mixed, and my DC are a different mix.

You're not fully black. You're not fully white. Those are not the only two boxes in the world. You're in a different one. As it happens, there's a massive pre-existing one for your particular mix. Growing up, I had to make up my own.

I agree with pp that you're mixing with the wrong people. Anyone who can only see you in terms of black or white, isn't seeing YOU. That may be deliberate, it may be born of ignorance. Doesn't matter, ultimately, as the net result is the same.

More than anything, you need to figure out who you are, be comfortable and confident in that. Other people (including your children) will take their lead from you. You can't let other people tell you who you are, whether on matters of race or anything else, because they don't know and they're not you.

I would say that anyone who is racist to you for being black or not black enough is an utter raging racist who you should have nothing to do with.

I agree.

This is an interesting thread. (Haven't read all of it yet).

I have a mix race child (adult now) and of course he's had experience of racism - me too! - but in general we live in a very tolerant city (not UK), so that's great.

@something2say Yes, very exciting the Aquarian Age. It's been talked about for years and on the 20th of this month Pluto moves into Aquarius staying there until 2043!

Have you read BRIT-(ish) by Afua Hirsch OP? You might find it interesting on identity. She writes brilliantly.

I'm not mixed - I'm white - but I just feel heartbroken to read this.

We're all a funny muddle of all sorts. Northern / southern, working class/ middle class, British/ 'foreign', functional family background/ some dysfunctional stuff too - etc etc.

The one thing that we all have in common, if we only but knew it, is that we're all struggling with something and that we can all sometimes feel that we're on the outside looking in.

I don't minimise what you are going through but I wish I could give you a big, in-Mumsnetty hug.

I hope you can work through these and that you soon feel more settled in yourself ❤️

My Dsisters are mixed race, I'm white, different dads. Can't say we've ever thought about our differences when we are together but people can certainly be racist when we/they are out and people say stupid things mostly to me. My parents neighbours once said to me...who is your daddy then as I look like the odd one out. I was too stunned to speak.
But yes people are definitely racist towards them but it's mostly white people.

It’s so lush to see this little post rolling on. The news at the moment is really pressing my buttons of feeling ashamed about not being enough. It’s so nice to come here and read these posts.

Do you have to belong?

Most of us don't for a variety of unrelated reasons to yours, despite our race or creed.

It's about being comfortable in your own skin, no matter what colour that happens to be. In other words, you've got to love yourself and have faith in yourself. You don't actually need to fit in anywhere. Just be you.

In my book we're all human, we have the same feelings, no matter where we're from.

It's about being made to feel an alien in your many circles of existence.

I suspect you don't get people who have said to you statements including:
"What are you!"
"Where are you really from!"
"You aren't really Scottish/Welsh/English/insert other white European country!"

Sadly, it's more that people go out of their way to let you know you being different is really hard for them to accept.

My mother is half black and half Chinese. My father half Greek Cypriot and half English.

I was in a very casual conversation with another parent about my upbringing and they asked if I speak Spanish... but why would I? Not 1 fact about my life would indicate that l would.

Oh, but I do not fit into society's boxes.

Your mixed race means

• You have fair skin but dark features
• You have tanned/dark skin but fair features
• You speak a language not synonymous with your looks
• Your accent doesn't match your features
• When introduced, people specifically request you share some aspect of your background " go on, tell them about x"

So it can be genuinely quite difficult to just "get on" when you are either outcast, a specimen to be examined or just a cause of endless confusion.

I went to a quite lovely party in Hampshire (no offence meant, I originate from Hampshire) my mother was born in belize.

The host kept introducing me as being from Peru. I kept politely correctly.

And, by the way, I was born in Hampshire. My father was born in South London. ...

No one I have ever met believes I am from Hampshire.

It's almost like they are saying " you could not possibly be from MY Hampshire"

A girl I used to be friends with had this issue. When she was referred to as a "lightie" by the some of the black community, we decided to call this inner community racism. It still is if anyone refers to skin colour in my eyes.

I don't understand from a personal level with the obsession of why someone shouldn't fit in somewhere because of what they look like, as in it shouldn't matter of course. Only because from my eyes, being mixed doesn't mean you don't have an identity. It is whatever you decide it is and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I realise this looks like a total white person comment as like how could I understand. But underneath it all, why does it matter and why do mixed people get a bad experience on both sides of the equation?

My past friend was a very beautiful girl and she identified as black regardless of whether she was mixed. So she was a black woman and as far as I was concerned, in our circle, she always fit in, even if most of us were white. If anything I was rather envious of her beauty. 😩 She was looked at wherever we all went. Really tall and model like. I aren't going to pretend of course that I didn't notice she was black but I don't look at race when I make friends. I look at how good of a person they are. I hope she felt the same way about me at the time.

However in general, I often find mixed race people are very attractive and have interesting backgrounds.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my musing but that's just from my own experience with my friend. I wouldn't use any offensive slurs personally.

Sorry you feel this way - must be horrible. I live in a mixed area of a city and my workplace is mixed too and I don't think in terms of a white community. Divisions such as they are are more economic/education related I think. But I completely see that this may not be other people's experience.

I have found it harder in my black communities - sadly i have perceived myself feeling on trial for how cultured I am or am not, my views on racial politics are centred and that irks many.
I think people look down on me.
I feel a sadness that I have not landed anywhere that feels like acceptance in 50 or so years of navigation.
Every time I think I’m close something changes that.
I should let it go.

I’m mixed but 58 and it was more unusual back then. I grew up in a very white rural area. I had some wobbles as a teenager but who doesn’t. I would say that overall I just forget about it quite a bit. I have had both sides be racist towards me but overall mainly white people. I must admit it does not bother me at all when people ask where are you really from. I am immensely proud of refugee grandparents who lost everything even the life of their DD my Aunt when fleeing civil war.

I had zero control over my genetic make up so it seemed a waste of my time to worry about it. If anything being raised in poverty shaped me the most. So what did I do with my teenage wobbles? It gave me a definite life plan, I was very driven by money, that’s the truth so became hyper focussed on improving my chances of getting out of poverty. Which I achieved.

I'm 1/4 each of: England, France, Iran, Barbados. I'm fortunate that through pot luck genetics I was viewed as very attractive and this fickle reason meant I wasn't bullied like the other mixed race people I knew were, but still remember very clearly my cousin, aged just 9 telling me "imagine if you were white, then allllll the boys would fancy you"

If only I had a pound for every exchange that went:

"Where are you from?"
Norfolk
"No, but like where are you from "
Um... still Norfolk, I don't really know what to tell you
"Greek?"
Sorry, what?
"Greek, yeah? No, wait... Egyptian?"
What me? No...
"Spain? Portugal?... Wait! Got it!! Brazil?"
Please stop naming countries at me.
"Sorry, but you're just so....exotic?"
Exotic?
"Oh, no, I didn't mean in a bad way. Am I right though? Brazil?"

In one night out, I was told, by entirely separate men, (via shit chat up lines) that has anyone ever told me I look just like:

Kelly Brook. Beyonce. Melanie Sykes. Samantha Mumba. Shilpa Shetty

Because brown. All look identical really. My friends were in hysterics about it though. I laughed along "yeah, Shilpa Shetty and Samantha Mumba, how stupid are these guys" but inside, it hurts. Just another non descript brown girl. If you're not white, then you basically fall into the rest of the world category. "General brown."

I have twins. One olive skin, dark eyes like me. One whiter than snow, blue/green eyes (courtesy of DH) and you can see the village idiots cogs turning as both children call me mummy.

I don't fit in. Our very naice area, the white yummy mummy crew look at me suspiciously. And I'm not evidently black enough for the black mums at school, who honestly seem to have the best friendship group and I'd love to be part of. They smile at me and make small talk, but I can tell they don't see me as the same. Everyone is polite, but I just don't slot instantly into a group like others seem too.

And I do get how people think mixed race people unnecessarily gravitate towards their black heritage - it's not that you are disregarding any of your genetics that is white, but white society tends to see white, and then any tiny hint of anything else, as non white. So you're either fully white, or you're not at all, so to speak. So you kind of completely discount yourself as white. The problem then, as others are pointing out too, arises when you aren't black enough to be seen as black, so you float in this no man's land.

It's strange when I sit and wonder what my daughter's life will be like. If she'll find it so much easier than her brother because she's visibly white.

@LePetitMaman it makes me so sad to read your post just after @thisplaceiscraziness sad comments.
Somehow society is quite broken if we can't move beyond skin colour to make in/out groups and yet your posts tells us that it is.
I have no answers just im truly sorry that this is your experiences and I wish we could make it a better world

I’m sorry to hear your experience OP. I can understand that needing a community and struggling to find it is very painful. I highlighted this interesting parallel type of experience because I think like others have said, finding community due to minoritised ethnicity or sexuality, disability, language or all of the above is always going to be relatively much easier done in an urban environment. But that’s not always economically possible for people to live in cities with the community and anonymity that that density of population offers.

I think that mixed children of black mothers will usually have more confidence in themselves and know where they fit, you would have had your own experiences to help guide them, of course there are cases where other family members can step in and support but its must be so comforting knowing your mother "gets it"

I know some are not so lucky, and usually part of an unfortunately stereotypical setup where they are left to be raised in a fully white family who have no idea what you go through.

Little "harmless" comments from your close family make you question yourself,
In my case, grumbling about how difficult it is to brush my hair (they were brushing it dry 😭)
Always untying my hair to show people...felt like a freak show!
Being teased in school for the frizzy bits that stuck up at the front of my head...so I took a pair of Scissors to it and tried to cut down to the scalp.
Being teased in school in general as when I was in primary, for a while I was the only mixed child there.

another thing my family did was always going on about my dirty knees and elbows (I used to scrub with a metal scourer until raw...I now know its just my pigment in those areas not dirt)
or being told to apply my high factor (high in those days anyway) Suncream so I didn't get too dark.
I still have people use me as their tan reference tho lol.

When i was really young I can't say I noticed much until other bought it up..I remember
people asking my family why I was coloured etc but i didnt think anything of it.
Nobody meant any harm but it made me question why someone like me existed.

Well not everybody meant harm but I do recall white relatives even going as far as using my colour to insult me I have even been called effing N-word by an adult for upsetting a younger relative while playing and I never told my mum or she would be in prison right now!
I have to give my mum her dues she did everything she could to make sure I understood the culture and had the right people around me but its not the same as having a present black parent and family.

My white family had black friends and "aunties and uncles" but its not the same as having a close family member that "gets it" especially when you have white siblings...constantly having to explain yourself etc...hear comments about how you must be adopted etc etc.

I had older black siblings abroad but to be fair due to some of the self hating comments our "father" would say I think they probably despised me for what I was, I remember their mother wanting to look at me and i always thought it was because she had never seen one (half white) before..I just remember the woman inspecting my face, checking my hair etc and looking very unhappy with me and I didn't know what to make of it, I was used to this behaviour from white people but never had a black person do it before.

As I got older I learned that at the time of conception they were still married so that's why she wanted to see me...to confirm paternity, my "father" had stepped out on her before, had othe kids and even bought them home but I was the first with a white woman so that was probably pretty shocking.

It was a good few years before I ever met another mixed (what i knew as mixed, we used to call halfcaste) child and to be honest I used to freeze up and panic around them cos I wanted to ask "how is it for you" but I was terrified to be seen as getting it wrong.

I also had no idea there could be other ways to look mixed or that being a lightskin black person does not automatically mean youre mixed, so i managed to get myself in trouble there too, i honestly always felt like there was nobody else like me and that i was just a freak of nature, and a mistake that shouldnt have happened.

Funnily enough I ended up having a black stepparent and family but also felt like an imposter there because of not being blood related and also the fact that i was half white, I couldn't relate to my black cousins as they all had different experiences from me they were so confident and comfortable, where my experiences had taught me not to draw attention to myself and that my skin colour was bad.

So yes it's an interesting life and I still haven't figured it out at nearly 40 years old.. I don't even have any close black female friends cos I still feel inadequate to these girls, it reminds me of being at school and they just didnt like me and used to participate in pointing out that I was a half breed etc...I think they were bothered because suddenly the black boys wanted to know me and i can only guess how that felt for them.. I remember a few boys mocked a girl for her dark skin and I tried to stand up for her but she and later the other girls turned on me too...because apparently I had no place to comment.
I felt at least the white girls were a bit nicer to me but also felt like I was a token friend to them.

I generally have a majority of white friends now and yet I feel like I fit in there even though i know to them I'm "exotic" lol.

I have my step cousins that I am quite close to, they are beautiful confident black women but they probably don't know that I feel like an imposter when I'm with them.

I often feel bad that I've gone on to have mixed kids (with another mixed person)
and I always feel worse because some of them are white passing and it just makes me sad to think they have to go through the whole routine of explaining their race and their relationship to each other, the positives are that they have beautifully diverse friend groups and they each have other mixed friends who can share their experiences.

Aah sorry AverageFruit.

only the first two paragraphs were intended as the response to your comment.

The rest was a general moan/trauma dump for the Ops thread.

Hey @BuntyNuffins just wanted to say thanks for sharing x i can relate to a lot you said

This thread makes me sad.

I am a white woman with a mixed (black and white) DM, and now mixed (same mix) DD and baby on the way.

My DM grew up in the 60s in a small city and they were the only mixed family around. She suffered terrible racism and still to this day makes comments about her own appearance that I know will have come from that time despite always being a beautiful woman. Her DF left the family when she was a baby and she had no contact with her black family except for her mixed siblings. So I now understand how she must have grown up in an entirely white community but felt "other".

We live in that same place now but we're trying very hard (although DD is still young) to make sure our children have equal contact with both families. I am learning as much as I can from brilliant DH about hair and skin care, although he has taken the lead with things like what products to buy. It does help that there are multiple mixed race and other ethnicities at her nursery. I hope she can grow up to be proud of who she is - that she belongs to both sides.

She is also very close to her "Nanny" who she looks just like - I think my DM actually loves having a DGD who she can see herself in.

@BuntyNuffins

I hear you completely. So many similarities.

I don't know what else to say really, just that I get it. Sending solidarity x

I am ‘multi-ethnic’. Multi ethnic is replacing the old terminology -to be ‘mixed race’ as it suggests there is a ‘pure’ race, which there isn’t.
I am South Asian, Scandinavian, and Northern European. My children are Nigerian, South Asian Scandinavian and Northern European. We are proudly Multi ethnic. We are not a category or a label.
I have experienced racism and discrimination throughout my life. My children too. Remember also, that there is ‘Unconscious Bias’. When ignorant people project an assumption and a stereotype on to you. My family has often experienced that too. I see it around me.
I do understand the ‘where are you from’ mentality. The feeling that you don’t fit, BUT and that’s a big BUT…it was sadly from the days of colonialism, where race became an agenda and humans started categorising others. There needs to be an overhaul of the language we use and those boxes we have to tick when they ask about ethnicity.
We are THE HUMAN RACE and we need to embrace our differences and similarities. Who we are as people, matters more than the skin we are in, or the country our ancestors originated from.