To tell colleague people are chatting behind her back

[MeowMail]

I work in finance, I love my job but I think as an industry it can be extremely toxic, especially for women.
One of the younger women on our team is 23, if life is a lottery she had almost all the numbers. She is extremely beautiful (modelled her way through uni), tall, slim, natural tan and natural blonde hair. She is from a well off family, well educated, intelligent, talented, athletic and above all else a lovely kind person. Now I get it, it's hard not to be jealous of her at times as on the surface she has it all.
We are all also aware though that she is often subjected to male clients being flirtatious or even just sexually harassing her. If they bring enough money to the firm though there is little she can do. We also know she lost a parent as a child which I think single handedly scores out all the wins she has had in life.

Now tonight I went for drinks after work with some people, she works from home on Fridays so wasn't there. The conversation turned to being about her. And honestly the men were lovely about her but the women were like vultures, she's a nepo baby (this isn't really true at all, one of the seniors knows her dad and she did intern with us while doing her masters however - she applied the same way as everyone else and until the interview the applications are done blind (name/dob etc. removed). I sat in on her interview and she smashed it tbh.
She's a gold-digger (her new boyfriend makes more and is a bit older but nothing crazy), one of them said "I don't feel bad that the clients sexualise her, what else can you expect when you look like her" another said "I find her infuriating, I hate how easy her life is" (excuse me - she lost a parent as a child how is that easy!).
Several of the guys defended her saying she's lovely and hard working, but the women kept going find faults (her legs are too skinny, her instagram is icky, she's fake, she's this, she's that).
Now while this is bullying - 2 people from HR were there and part of it and the chief investment officer was there and said nothing.
So while I will report it, I know very little will come from it especially as it happened outside work.
However I'm thinking, this woman is talented, hardworking, smart etc. She could probably get a comparable job elsewhere if she wanted and maybe if I tell her how toxic and vile people are being it will encourage her to do so.
I did say to a few of them that I get it, it seems unfair for one person to be stunning, sporty, smart, talented, kind and hardworking and it feels like no one should get it all but she doesn't deserve the be bullied which is exactly what they were doing. They all just brushed me off and joked that when your gods favourite what does it matter what they say when she's not around.

Now I'm not sure what to do - do I tell her? Just report? I'm worried if I tell her it will be hurtful but equally I think she deserves to know so she can get out.

So AIBU for wanting to tell this colleague how horrible people are being?

Don't tell her. There's no benefit to it. I would work on myself, being brave enough to stick up for her like the men did.

I think it’s sad that women feel so bad about themselves when confronted with a young woman whose physical appearance draws a lot of attention. I am the same, I feel awful about myself when I see a conventionally beautiful woman and feel sad and resentful that I wasn’t as ‘lucky’. I would never be cruel to a woman though like that though, it’s quite horrible the things they were saying. I suppose dragging her down is an attempt to counteract the way she makes them feel but I doubt it has the desired effect. Probably makes them feel worse in the long run. Too many of us have this internalised belief that we are not good enough if we don’t look a certain way and it feels like years of internalised misogyny. I’m as guilty of this belief as anyone but can’t help thinking what a force for good it would be if women totally rejected it and championed ourselves and each other. It would be a very different world.

This^
dont tell her, I’m sure she’s aware by now that not all people are nice and kind.

No! Don't tell her! It'll cause her nothing but distress.

This falls into the category of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

I've been in this situation (although I'm nowhere near as accomplished/ideal, don't have the modelling background etc).

So first off, she's probably had it happen to her in some context before, even if just at school.

And secondly, it doesn't make you feel any better when people tell you about it, because it makes you feel like shit.

So if you didn't feel comfortable saying something at the time, I would mention it to HR or just be extra nice to her - because even though she won't know why, you sound like a lovely person and it does make a difference when people are nice.

I work in finance OP, are these women going to have any effect on your colleagues’s promotion chances ?

only tell her if they would. But they just made themselves look awful.

Not sure what your point is. Colleagues have said things in front of me about my DH (also my colleague). Some people are brutal (particularly women) and do not care who is around when they say things!

Another for not telling her. I accept that not everyone will like me but actually being told really hurts. Happened to me recently, one colleague mentioned that another had been talking about me and another colleague but refused to say what had been said. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Pointless and made feel quite sad and uncomfortable for a while.
It could also backfire and look like you're being a bitch for telling her under the guise of being kind.

I agree

Your colleagues sound unbelievably pathetic. This girl ‘deserves’ sexual harassment. That’s a disgusting comment. Where do work because it sounds like a backwater. No don’t tell her, as another poster said, advocate for her and call them out, the miserable bitches need knocking down a peg. I’ve been through a similar thing at work and it’s horrible. I’ve had the social pariah treatment because some male coworkers flirted with me, it’s so horrible.

No reason to tell her. But I would have told the bitchy women what I thought and if that meant I'm their next target well so be it.

I'm glad the men were standing up for her but the women who were there ahd didn't like it should stand up for her too.

We like to pretend that girl power exists and that women have got your back but in my experience this isn't true. Unless they are true friends other women will bitch about women given the chance and the forum.

Bloody hell. You really do get the misogynistic shite all your life don’t you? How do you suggest we harridans support ourselves, or should we just off ourselves the moment we’re not reproductively useful?

It would do more harm than good. Imagine how shit she will feel. She is currently blissfully unaware.

Christ, the sisterhood is alive and well, isn’t it? How much more of this ageist shite will we have to put up with here?

Newsflash: it’s those same menopausal women who fought for you to have enhanced maternity pay, not get sacked for being pregnant, and to receive the same wage as the men in your company, doofus.

If you tell her, you're being equally bitchy with some spite added. Say nothing.

And people thought the Jeremy Kyle show had to actually coach its hapless lowlifes to behave as they did on screen...

Be careful how you proceed - this could backfire on you. If people feel happy saying this kind of stuff in front of the HR people, this really speaks to the culture of the organisation.

Now that you know the kind of people you work with, install a voice recording app on your phone. Start it up discretely next time you go to the pub - if the bullying happens again, you will have evidence and can proceed from there - choose to do something with it or just keep it in case you need evidence of the toxic workplace culture in future.

This way, you won't feel like you are doing nothing, but you aren't risking your own position. You say you are socially anxious - that doesn't put you in a good position if the toxic colleagues set their sites on you...

You just sat there and did nothing. Actually, you validated their feelings. Wow.

This is part of the reason I don't want to hang out with work colleagues unless I have to. I would rather be seen as boring than getting involved in this kind of thing. I admit I do feel uncomfortable/insecure when I am with someone superior than me, especially in terms of appearance. However, that doesn't mean I can/will gossip or talk behind their back. It is just morally wrong.

I have learned to hold a lot of my personal thoughts in my head and keep work conversation as "professional". If someone starts to gossip, I just smile and not enquire further, change the conversation or excuse my self.

And no, don't tell your colleague. She doesnt need to know. You could show support by being friendly with her and avoid getting involved in a conversation like this. Sometimes, you can convey your standpoint/principles without words.

Your company sounds godawful. Not just the unpleasant talk about a member of the team who appears to be pulling her weight professionally, but the fact that you appear to think it's normal that she experiences sexual harassment from senior male clients, and that this is generally known about and no one acts to protect her because said clients bring in a lot of money? Dealing unsupported in her early 20s with regular sexual harassment in the workplace is far worse than the bitchy comments of colleagues. In your shoes, I'd talk to her about that, and suggest options to explore, and that it's not normal or necessary.

I don't throw around the word 'toxic' a lot, but this does sound like a thoroughly toxic workplace.

So so gross that someone so young get so much unwanted sexual attention and harrassment, men are so gross. It's their behaviour setting the competitive, jealous streak off in the women. Those men would make me sick
BUT the women should be more grown up and not blame the 23 yr old for it. Support women and speak out against the men who are being slimy.

I know, is this the 80s/90s!?

Women can be nasty, bitter, jealous bitches.
That pretty much sums up what is going on here imo.

They feel utterly threatened by your colleague and it taps into all of their own insecurities and failings.

Men don't project in the same way!

My concern would be that there were members of the HR team and a senior manager present that did not shut down this kind of conversation. They should be ashamed to be part of this at this level it is very unprofessional. At the very least they should be checking in on this young woman regarding the claims she is being sexually harassed by clients.