To tell colleague people are chatting behind her back

[MeowMail]

I work in finance, I love my job but I think as an industry it can be extremely toxic, especially for women.
One of the younger women on our team is 23, if life is a lottery she had almost all the numbers. She is extremely beautiful (modelled her way through uni), tall, slim, natural tan and natural blonde hair. She is from a well off family, well educated, intelligent, talented, athletic and above all else a lovely kind person. Now I get it, it's hard not to be jealous of her at times as on the surface she has it all.
We are all also aware though that she is often subjected to male clients being flirtatious or even just sexually harassing her. If they bring enough money to the firm though there is little she can do. We also know she lost a parent as a child which I think single handedly scores out all the wins she has had in life.

Now tonight I went for drinks after work with some people, she works from home on Fridays so wasn't there. The conversation turned to being about her. And honestly the men were lovely about her but the women were like vultures, she's a nepo baby (this isn't really true at all, one of the seniors knows her dad and she did intern with us while doing her masters however - she applied the same way as everyone else and until the interview the applications are done blind (name/dob etc. removed). I sat in on her interview and she smashed it tbh.
She's a gold-digger (her new boyfriend makes more and is a bit older but nothing crazy), one of them said "I don't feel bad that the clients sexualise her, what else can you expect when you look like her" another said "I find her infuriating, I hate how easy her life is" (excuse me - she lost a parent as a child how is that easy!).
Several of the guys defended her saying she's lovely and hard working, but the women kept going find faults (her legs are too skinny, her instagram is icky, she's fake, she's this, she's that).
Now while this is bullying - 2 people from HR were there and part of it and the chief investment officer was there and said nothing.
So while I will report it, I know very little will come from it especially as it happened outside work.
However I'm thinking, this woman is talented, hardworking, smart etc. She could probably get a comparable job elsewhere if she wanted and maybe if I tell her how toxic and vile people are being it will encourage her to do so.
I did say to a few of them that I get it, it seems unfair for one person to be stunning, sporty, smart, talented, kind and hardworking and it feels like no one should get it all but she doesn't deserve the be bullied which is exactly what they were doing. They all just brushed me off and joked that when your gods favourite what does it matter what they say when she's not around.

Now I'm not sure what to do - do I tell her? Just report? I'm worried if I tell her it will be hurtful but equally I think she deserves to know so she can get out.

So AIBU for wanting to tell this colleague how horrible people are being?

I did say to a few of them that I get it, it seems unfair for one person to be stunning, sporty, smart, talented, kind and hardworking and it feels like no one should get it all but she doesn't deserve the be bullied which is exactly what they were doing. so you joined in in a round about way!!

No she doesn't deserve to be sexually harassed just because it brings the money in.

Personally I'd go to HR. If they don't listen I'd quit and make it very clear in my exit interview why

You didn't. You joined in

I would go to HR now and tell then how uncomfortable it was and ask why they didn't intervene.

Don’t be a shit stirrer. Nothing good will come of repeating gossip. She will feel bad and the gossips will round on you.

There are people who did stand up for her, you should have done that too, but gossip is just gossip. Leave alone.

If you feel she’s being bullied by these people in work, or harassed by others then step in. Maybe encourage her to join a union. Just don’t shit stir and make her feel bad.

I agree

I would not tell her, it achieves nothing apart from possibly worrying her. She may also know, but internally be strong, and brush it off or accept her colleagues are twats PS they also bitch about whoever isn't there, you included!

I'd just mind my own business tbh.

There was a line I heard “unless someone is literally plotting my death I don’t want know what’s being said about me behind my back”

.

What other people have to say about you is none of your business.

The women are clearly unprofessional and unkind, there's lots of people like this in the world and this lady is likely to encounter them everywhere she goes.

Don’t tell her. Do stick up for her and be her friend.

I'd report to hr but I wouldn't tell her. What will it achieve other than knocking her confidence? I'd also refuse to engage in this kind of chat around her and swiftly change the topic of conversation or remove myself for the situation. She simply won't be the only person they bitch about, it's nasty very juvenile behaviour.

It's not bullying it's bitching.

If she is tall, slim, blonde, athletic and intelligent, as you say, she will already know because other women will have done that to her since she was about 16.

It's how small minded and ignorant women behave, And it's constant. It won't let up until she loses her looks or hits her 50s.

I hope she has learned to cope with it.

Agree with everyone else. Be her friend. Do not tell her what people were saying in the pub. It would be horrible for her to hear that. She will probably win them round in time anyway if she is as nice as you say she is.

The problem is HR were part of it. I'm not sure if it's the time to tell her but I certainly wouldn't be socialising with people who were slagging her off. Although I suppose you already know what they will say about you behind your back when you aren't present.

No do not tell her, if they are being horrible to her face and making her feel uncomfortable then it is up to her to report that but she doesn’t need to know about some bitchy comments outside of work. They’ve probably gossiped about everyone at some point.

She shouldn’t have to put up with sexual harassment though - this is a separate issue.

Don't tell her, it'll achieve nothing and potentially cause harm. I'd also distance myself from the people slagging her off. Imagine what they say about you behind your back!

But I would pull the CIO to one side and have a chat with him about their behaviour, he was whiteness to it so is aware.

It's plain old jealousy, I've worked in finance and I also found the women there to be awful! It's almost like it breeds a culture of getting ahead means to tear down other women. I left and work in a different industry now.

People who felt I “ought to know” what was being said about me were at least as bad as the ones who said it in the first place.

Never be that person.

That's the view that the school took when DD was being bullied.

Those women were just showing themselves up. If they are not doing this to her face then there is no bullying here. She is unaware and needs to remain so.
If they start making her life unpleasant, that is when she/ you report it higher.
In the meantime, try and be braver in such discussions. It sounds like you were almost agreeing with them Just a comment like " she can hardly help how beautiful she is" or " I actually really like her and she does a great job"

Please don’t tell her, she will have had a life time of this, and be fully aware of how some people behave, men being flirty, women being bitchy. Nothing good can come from it, leave her alone.

We are all also aware though that she is often subjected to male clients being flirtatious or even just sexually harassing her. If they bring enough money to the firm though there is little she can do

Well that's fucking disgusting for a start

Now while this is bullying - 2 people from HR were there and part of it and the chief investment officer was there and said nothing

I'd still go to HR with it as it will have to be dealt with. Just because 2 members of HR joined in, that doesn't mean they should get away with it. And if the CIO didn't say anything then maybe they themselves are holding on to it before returning to work

Perfect advice. Put your focus on being nice to her. If the bitching was done in the pub, I wouldn’t trust the alcohol anyway. And I wouldn’t go drinking with the bitching women anymore.

Mumsnet threads would have us believe that all men are battered or pathetic, and a woman can do no wrong. But here we have the reality.

No, you don't tell her and destroy her confidence and get job. You mentor her and you defend her actively to these people. You were in the urgent position to do so, having been at her interview, but instead you ingratiated yourself with the bitches by empathising with them instead of defending her

When this comes up again, as it will, you swallow your social anxiety and actively put them right about her abilities and her selection.

I wouldn't email HR ccing in the world and their wife. I think will just get everyone's back up and senior and HR colleagues will underplay it to protect themselves. Nor would I speak to the bullying victim.

As another posters have said, be a friend to the colleague that is being talked about. By doing it this way, you are quietly stating your position.

Someone once told me that if you witnessed someone being badly treated in the workplace, and you didn't feel able to speak up, you should use body language. Could be as simple as moving physically closer to the person being targeted. Or not engaging/looking away from the person who is initiating it.