Should I pay for it from my allowance?

[Calmandfree]

Every month both mine and DH salary goes into the same account. We each take out pocket money. Every 6 weeks I visit my home town in the North East to see my mother and step-father (who has a terminal illness and is frequently unwell) which is a 3 hour drive. I stay overnight, sometimes in a travelodge as may not be appropriate depending on step father to stay with my mother (they live in a 2 bedroom flat), or with a friend.

Question is should I pay for the petrol, food for my time there if I eat out and travelodge if I stay overnight, in your opinion out of my monthly allowance/pocket money or should it come out of the joint money?

This is my feelings exactly and the point I wanted to make without sounding awful.

Oh goodness yes!

Both of our salaries go into the account. He earns more but I work the same hours. I am a nurse so earn significantly less but probably work a lot harder (all irrespective I know).

Wow. That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that.

Really interesting to read the differences in opinion here. IMO I think as DH wanted to be nearer to his family and not have to make the move., I have therefore made sacrifices to be away from my family and friends and now I am paying for his decision out of my discretionary (!!) allowance, irrespective of me earning a lot less.

Joint money means joint decisions. So would you be ok if he said ok to take out of joint but I think you should only go once every 2 or 3 months and only when you can stay at your friend rather than hotel?

Also, the issue or where you decided to live depends a bit on where you met, and whether he could easily earn as well if you'd move there.

I tend to go with it being your own money and you go how often you want and stay where it suits.

Then petrol and accommodation money should come from joint funds. Though I think if you choose to eat out / do stuff with friends when away then that should come out of your own money because that’s more of an “enjoying yourself” cost (and you could presumably eat meals at your parents’ house since they’re the purpose of the visit.)

I would say petrol + accommodation from joint account, and you cover food.

It's a stressful time and you are supposed to be a unit.

Looking back, my ex was awful when my father was dying; I paid for the train fare each weekend to visit and asked him to do the food shopping but he frequently didn't bother! Then there would be an argument Sunday night when I got back and there was nothing for me to eat

I would see this as Family Support Money. I wouldn't divide out how we support parents and In-laws.

I would say probably yes out of your allowance as it’s a trip you’re choosing to take so therefore your expense. As someone else has suggested if you make this “joint money” that means joint decision making, jointly deciding budget for hotel, petrol, food etc. And surely the point of having your personal allowance is to spend on things/trips you want/choose to do, which this is.

Oh bless you. That sounds very unfair (I am guessing that's one of the reasons as to why he is an ex?!).

My in laws live an hour away, my parents are 4. No way would I pay from my allowance. As it stands we go once a year as a family and stay in a caravan, I go a couple more times and stay with them, but would never occur to me to pay for petrol/train from my money. It's not a 'fun' trip.

Mmmm....I'd like to think I would be ok with it, especially if it was for visiting his family and we had more than enough money to cover it.

We met at a party in London actually and he could have found work in the North but my skills were and are more transferable so I let him win on that one.

I agree though, at least if it comes out of my money then I get the control over how often I go etc.

Due to the fact he didn’t want to move and you sacrificed living by his family and far away from yours, I’d say joint money for petrol, try to stay somewhere free/cheap when available (depending how stretched for money you are of course). Any meals out (cafes/restaurants) from your money.

I agree.

I'd absolutely not be subsidising my DP to go and visit his family and stay in hotels, even if they were unwell/dying. In the same way if he wanted to lend of gift then money I wouldn't allow it to come from my money or family/pooled money. Same if I wanted to lend of gift cash to my family, wouldn't expect him to contribute in any way.

You made a joint decision to live that far away, I assume your job and the kids schools etc is also in the same town so it's he's not the only reason you live there now. If he was the only reason you could just move back for a few months.

I have a similar financial setup, and had a similar situation, though sadly it was pretty short term.

I did a bit of a mix. Basically, I paid for what I could without leaving myself too short, and paid the rest from the joint account. So petrol was always joint account, and I always paid for most food. Hotels depended on how much spare I had that month.

I understand not wanting your DH to think you are taking the piss, but you should never miss a chance to see a terminally ill relative because your personal spends are low, when you actually have more than enough in the joint account.

I would say petrol and accommodation from out of the joint pot
Fun going out/meals from your own

Your DH gets a massive benefit from being near his family all the time. You have made a huge compromise living where he wants so he should not begrudge you using some joint money to go and visit yours!

Will say that this is coming from a POV that everything we have just goes into one pot and we use it as needed and wanted. Big purchases like holidays, cars, furniture etc. are discussed but smaller stuff we just do. The situation you are talking about wouldn't even go on the radar as a money issue - it would come out of joint cash without any qualms

Joint I guess. Although I’m very lucky, I can hear my husband saying to me “ now are you sure you’re alright for money ?”

The thing with these set ups… it’s always great and everyone agrees… till one person wants more money for whatever their reason is. Then you need to sell it to the other person who’s been quite happy with the status as has been and was agreed and worked for years.

It’s never the person with more spending money recommending hey let’s up the budgets or even people with equal money, it’s always when one suddenly wants/needs more. So it’s not a neutral discussion because it comes from a place of “I want/need more because…” which leads to like this well we live closer to your family, which again was agreed after meeting in London, it’s not like you met up north and was dragged away.

My husband earns less than me. We share all money.

I think this expenditure should be taken from joint money and less put into savings during this difficult period.

One accident or illness and you may be the higher earner.

I think this is unfair. Travelling to visit your family is an expense you have which he doesn't because you agreed to live near his family.

I see an argument that the cost should be joint because the additional costs you have are due to him having his way over where you live. I don’t think this is something there is one right answer for. You need to discuss it with your DP.

Your allowance
If you are struggling suggest to DH that you both pay a bit less into the joint for the time being as you have additional costs

Why not a compromise of both? So you agree to pay out of joint money for a certain amount of visits a year, say every other month, and if you want to bug I more you pay for it from your money? Or joint money pays petrol and you pay hotel.