Should I pay for it from my allowance?

[Calmandfree]

Every month both mine and DH salary goes into the same account. We each take out pocket money. Every 6 weeks I visit my home town in the North East to see my mother and step-father (who has a terminal illness and is frequently unwell) which is a 3 hour drive. I stay overnight, sometimes in a travelodge as may not be appropriate depending on step father to stay with my mother (they live in a 2 bedroom flat), or with a friend.

Question is should I pay for the petrol, food for my time there if I eat out and travelodge if I stay overnight, in your opinion out of my monthly allowance/pocket money or should it come out of the joint money?

In our house the person whose parents it were would pay BUT if it left them short they’d use the joint where needed.

Ie as long as family funds allow, there shouldn’t be one of you being broke because there’s a family problem.

In my household this would 100% be coming out of joint money no questions asked.

In my family it would come from joint. Pocket money is for fun/luxury not essentials and I'd consider this essential.

But should they? Yes, in theory you could stop wearing makeup, you could cut your own hair. You can’t escape the potential social and employment consequences of those choices.

Would your spouse really be happy if the two of you were heading to a family member’s wedding and you didn’t get dressed up?

So why doesn’t he help pay for those things?

I realize this wasn’t the point of you post, but I think it gets to the heart of why your original question is so problematic. The initial allowance system has not really been created on a vacuum without heavy societal influence. The rules for such a system need to be considered very carefully, and in my opinion should be defined very specifically and with a constant eye towards potential bias.

Joint. It's not like you're off home to see your friends, it's caring and I'm sure very difficult and stressful.

Own money. Joint expenses from joint money.

Have either of you experienced a terminally ill parent yet? If DH spoke the way you've spoken in your first sentence when my dad was dying, it would have permanently changed how I felt about him and quite possibly killed our marriage. Supporting family through a terminal illness is in no way the same as giving them a gift or a loan.

My father is dead. She said her step father, so I suppose it depends on how close they are if he would be considered a parent or if she is more going down to support her mother.

Though she states is every 6 weeks and has been often enough to sometimes stay there, sometimes stay with friends and sometimes pay for a hotel. This means the situation has been going on for some time over multiple visits. Being supportive is running the house, being in charge of the kids alone all weekend, to facilitate these visits. Not paying for them. Op has money to pay that herself.

We're an international couple, with DH's family all abroad. My personal view is that when one of you lives apart from their family, there's a sacrifice involved (if you like your family!) and so there should be an expectation that some family finances are prioritised to try and mitigate that distance. So we have a fund in case DH needs to fly back home for a family emergency, funeral etc. no questions asked. I would also expect to practically step up and cover everything at home if he needed to do that.

Obviously the north east isn't as dramatic as living abroad but I would expect a similar conversation and a similar acceptance of the fact that since you are compromising by living far from family, there should also be some compromises that make it easier for you.

This.

You shouldn’t use your allowance, it’s hardly a fun holiday, it’s a necessity.

When my DH was frequently visiting his mum he started taking it out of his money and I told him I wanted it to come from joint. My family now need me more and most of the travel and incidental costs are being paid from joint funds.
It's our family so our costs in my mind.

I can't imagine being so mean and miserly with my husband, nor him with me. This is the person who is supposed to love you more than any other adult in the world - it's a marriage, not a business partnership or a house share. It just seems like such a sad way to conduct a relationship.

Our set up is similar to yours, in that we pool all income into one account (family money) out of which anything else comes out, including a small amount each month for 'fun' money (what you call 'pocket money').

For us this would be family money without question (we live away from both sets of parents). Fun money is usually just for specific hobbies. If there's something one of us wants that is unlikely to benefit the other much, we usually check quickly if they're happy that we use joint funds for it.