To wonder how mums of yore did it

[Peonii]

I just read on another thread that "you should only have as many children as you can cope with on your own" and "three kids is already too many for most people to handle".I feel like these are relatively new ideas as there were bigger families in previous generations. I only have one DC (14 months old)and with that limited experience I totally get those statements. I am in wonder at how mums juggle having babies, recovery, weight loss, back to work, emotional transitions, career progression, another baby, rinse and repeat. Before DC I really wanted four children. But honestly WTF. How the fudge do women do it!? I would still love a big family but I am terrified for a) my body (it's still healing 14 months later) b) my energy levels c)the lack of time I have for things that aren't family related eg. exercise or hobbies.

How do women do it? Men could never. I have never been particularly the "down with men" type but having a baby has completely changed my perception of what a successful man and woman are. But I'm waffling. I'm just curious how women have managed large families and careers and life. I am frazzled after just one.

I was brought up in the 60’s/70’s. One of six. Expectations of women were very different and it was an absolutely miserable life for many of them. My mum and every adult woman I knew, was on Valium. Lot’s of women were down trodden and lived unfulfilled lives. I hated every second of it and was determined to use education as a way out of the situation, which I did.
I wanted my children to have a completely different up bringing and they have- private school, driving lessons, no physical discipline and my time.
I do think that women can be their own worst enemies though; staying with useless partners, having even more children with useless partners, undervaluing education, rushing here and there to extra curriculum clubs, cooking from scratch.
I love social history, but it is so depressing reading women’s history and it’s sad that for many, the present isn’t any better.

This.
My aunt started school age 14.

There are several books that I've read which really give a lot of detail of what family life was like for larger families

Lark Rise to Candleford

Round about a pound a week

Twopence to cross the Mersey

Children weren't cared for much back then. They saw to themselves. Think about that. You seem to think that they were these amazing superwomen BUT churning out 8 children, do you think each child had the time and attention let alone had the opportunity to be children?

My mum had 4 . She didn’t spend hours playing with us, we entertained ourselves either inside the house or outside a lot of the time . She never drove , she didn’t need to take us to any venues for hobbies or sports and we walked to school or took the bus ,and she never worked . We all had school dinners in England ( many years ago ) She did keep on top of her house work but she also loved it and took pride in having everything organised . My dad also did all the life admin . She always had an afternoon nap. I think all in all, a big difference to the lifestyles of today’s families.

Don’t know if I count as a ‘mum of yore’ now 😂😂, but I have 5 kids. They’re 21-17 now. I went back to university when no2 was a baby, so I had most of during my degree. This sounds insane in theory, but really it worked well as I was never in uni for longer than 8 weeks at a time. I wasn’t physically slogging a manual job, I did an nhs course so I was working 1/2 days a week in clinics for years 2-4 so I got paid, I got help with childcare on-site at uni so I could go to a lecture then feed the baby or babies (3 and 4 are twins)/see the toddlers. By graduation the older ones were in school so that cut my childcare bill and it went pretty well. (Though sitting my y3 exams 37 weeks pregnant and going in labour during the last one was probably cutting it a bit fine 😂😂)

How does he not know to change her nappy? Can't he smell the wee? He sounds like an awful parent if he leaves his daughter in wet clothes and causes her to have a sore bum from leaving her in wet nappies.

Seriously, you think everyone lived like that? That isn't the experience of any of my family members.

Funnily enough many of the older generations thrived and lived to a good old age, without all the mental health issues so many kids seem to have today. I really question that a better job is being done now.

I also was brought up in the 60s/70s and my experience is so very different from yours. Most people in our town did not have huge families, although we were friends with some couples who had a large number of kids, up to 10 in one case, and I can assure you their mothers were not on Valium. I was an only child, as was my mother, and my father was one of three (both parents born in the early 1930s).

I had an extremely happy childhood, as did my friends in the same age group, and so did my parents. Not all families are the same you know.

Reading some of the posts on MN I have to agree that life is not a bed of roses for many women at the present time.

I often think about how they coped. My friends mum was one of 1 and 10 and their father was killed in a mining accident in the 1950's. The extended family moved in to help out so they didn't go into care. The family are still extremely close.

there was less contraceptive
there was no thought that the man would not be around

Children were wilder and had a lot more freedom but there was a lot less road traffic so it wasn’t so dangerous. I live in the same area now as I grew up and the cars and traffic significantly limit how and where children can play so there needs to be a lot more adult supervision than there used to.

My granny was the eldest of 7 girls born in 1919. When baby number 6 was born it turned out to be baby number 6&7. Family lore is that age 14 she sat on the stairs and cried as she was so worried about how to feed them.

I think we have so much leisure time now we can’t imagine how hard people worked. I’m from farming stock and my Dad age 74 still works a 60 hour week. His Dad would have done nothing but work all day every day. Expectations were different.

I was an 80s child and in my primary years was just allowed out to roam about whenever I wasn't in school. They'd just assume I'd be back for tea.

In comparison I spend my evenings running my DC to various clubs and doing an endless bedtime routine with my youngest.

My parents also never played with me and I feel a huge pressure to play (board games, frisby or whatever) with my DC.

Lower standards. Valium (in the 60's onwards). No extra curricular activities.

Attitudes to screen time have also changed. The TV was the marvel that could bring your children views of the world, a wonderful educational tool. Now it's a brain destroying addiction that will create violent and inattentive monsters.

This. I was born in 1965. I have a brother 13 months younger than me and another brother a year younger than him. We didn't have a TV. We used to listen to ' Listen with mother' on the radio. Mum read to us a lot but didn't play with us. There were always 3 of us so we played together. Mum didn't work outside the house until I was 13. Her job had to fit entirely around her domestic duties. She passed her driving test when I was 14. We didn't go swimming, go to weekend activities, 'make memories '. In the summer holidays Mum used to pack a picnic. We would walk up onto the Downs, play up there, go around the wood, eat the picnic, make dens, walk home.We stayed with our grandparents in Derbyshire and went to Wales for a week in August. We entertained ourselves. We made things and built things. It wasn't expected thst parents would be involved . My father focused entirely on his career. My mum had 3 under 3. No fridge so she shopped every day. Grandad bought her a washing machine ( twin tub with mangle). We were all in terry towelling nappies at the same time at one point. She didn't have time to play but the expectation was that we would be clean-ish and warm ish ( 1 coal fire downstairs) and fed ( no faffing about with different options). When we were 7 , 6 and 5 we walked ourselves to school. Mum had a tartan trolley and did the food shopping in the afternoon so she could walk to school and collect us at hometime . She made her own clothes and lots of ours. Her life was us and the home. She wasn't a corporate wonder with a team of 10. She didn't go to the gym,have fake nails and big eyebrows and no body hair from the eyebrows down( all of which require hours away from home). She didn't meet friends for coffee. We didn't do sleepovers.Nobody did. She was mum ( and a lot of the time she was bored out of her brain ).

1980 was safer? It was the height of the troubles and the news was full of bombings across the UK.

DH has several siblings. MIL said a few things like, "they don't need interaction, they've got toys," or "I'll give them a bath or take them for a walk but I don't do playing"
I found that pretty strange at first but when I thought about it I guess household chores took longer, shopping without a car etc and kids were close in age so maybe they just entertained each other.
She also thought it was OK to leave baby in a cot at home while you popped out for 10-15 minutes.
And lots of family (2 sets of GPs and aunts/uncles all lived in the same town, so a bigger support network)

I see a lot of larger families farming out childcare of their younger DC to the older DC in the family. Seem very unfair on a 10, 11 or 12 year old to have to do this rather than just be children themselves.

I had just the two and was a sahm for 7 years. I also had a very supportive DH. That’s how I did it. Wanted 3 but realised I wouldn’t be the parent I wanted to be with any more. They are now young adults and the mental load is different but it doesn’t go away. Parenting is for life!
I was one of 3 and born in 1971. We played out for hours with neighbours, didn’t do ‘clubs’ but had a very happy childhood. Mum was also a sahm.

I think the idea they 'didn't work outside the home ' is a bit skewed.

Maybe not necessarily outside of it but I'm from a fishing community. Women were up at 4am redding the lines and then later they were gutting the fish.

Hard, physical work on top of the kids.

There was more community sense in bringing them up but if we think they 'just' had to run the home we'd be in for a rude awakening.

As for lower expectations. Yes with the kids but they were out scrubbing the front step. Can't say I've ever done mine. Although perhaps that's because I don't work on it in the way they did!

I do wonder if complete focus on children is actually good for them. It adds a huge pressure to live up to expectations that perhaps weren't so in focus a few decades ago. I do wonder why we put everything into our children until the point they have their own when they are then supposed to dedicate themselves entirely to those children.

Even in the 80s and early 90s it was accepted that 'career women's would bung dinner in the microwave. Now everyone is expected to make home cooked meals and whip up a cake to Bake Off standards for the school coffee morning.

My mum, widowed young, sent 2 out of four of us to boarding school, worked full time.

One big difference is children weren’t supervised at least not by our standards. Even as recently the 1950s children were often sent out to play and told not to come back till tea time. Young children too, they were put under the care of the older children.

More kids but less of everything else. No work for mums, no running around dropping kids off or taking them to activities, smaller homes so not as much to clean, family all living close by to help out. I think with very large families the older kids ended up doing a lot of the caring for younger siblings ans helping around the house.