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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was MIL being unreasonable to phone me at work

115 replies

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 20:38

My DD20 is going holiday Tom and was very busy today with appointments/packing. Had quite a few missed calls today from MIL (can’t have phone at work on me only on my break) saying that DD wasn’t getting phone and had she done anything to her. I explained to her that she was just busy with appointments/packing to which MIL replied to me she was very upset. I again explained to her the situation and then said to me I hope you don’t mind me phoning you at work about this. I then messaged my DD and she said she was busy and couldn’t get the phone but she was going to contact her late afternoon. MIL after I explained this to her proceeded to turn on the waterworks crying to me saying how upset she is & how she had the confidence telling me this. This made me feel very upset as it made me panic thinking ot was emergency and also the fact that she created drama while I was at my work over this. DH said to me she’s got a lot on her mind with caring for FIL who has Dementia but I feel that although this is the case it’s not fair of her to contact me at work over this. So AIBU thinking this or was MIL being unreasonable here

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 30/05/2024 08:48

She sounds like she's having a hard time and really wanted someone to talk to. I understand it's annoying that she called you at work but it's hardly the crime of the century.
Just gently say 'please just text me and I'll ring you as soon as I'm on break. Work are really strict now about phones, in fact I'm not even supposed to have given you my work number. Except for an emergency. Sorry, But my boss is really weird about phones'.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 30/05/2024 09:07

BobbyBiscuits · 30/05/2024 08:48

I wonder why she didn't harass her son at work if she just wanted to talk to someone? 🤔

Choochoo21 · 30/05/2024 09:42

Wow she seems really intense!

If she phoned you because she was worried that DD had an accident, then it would be ok.

But it is absolutely not ok to phone over this!

I cannot have my phone on me at work either and my teenage DD has rang the office for something minor before.
I had to remind her that things like that she can text me or ring my mobile and I’ll reply at lunchtime if after work and that the office phone is for emergencies only as it’s not easy for me to get to the office.

I would definitely speak to MIL it and say that you cannot always get to the work phone or if someone else answered and took a message then you may panic and worry.

Tell her to only phone the work phone if it’s an emergency that means you need to leave work.
If not, ring DH (her son!) or your mobile and you’ll ring her back.

She is an adult and needs to know that it’s not ok and this isn’t normal behaviour.
I wouldn’t be angry though as she may not fully understand, especially if she’s never worked.

Is she always this intense?
I feel sorry for your DD as it’s quite unhealthy.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/05/2024 11:21

@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum yeah, there is that. I guess it's BC she feels closer to OP than her son? But she does sound rather dramatic and OTT.
My mates MiL was like that, constantly calling her and moaning about stuff, but her own son wouldn't even take her calls!?

L8v3Aboard · 30/05/2024 11:31

MIL could she have sent a text to your DD to wish her a happy holiday instead ?

Scrumbleton · 30/05/2024 13:39

My MIL is like this - lots of did you get my message or tell DH to check his messages texts - almost always about non time sensitive stuff. I've realised recently she's on the spectrum and has issues with impulse control and regulating her temperament - if something is on her mind she needs it played out straight away. Vexing but i try to be kind about it while trying not to respond too quickly on non time sensitive stuff. Your MIL was totally unreasonable and you should get DH to talk to her. People have busy lives and you should not be disturbed at work in a non EMERGENCY situation

queenMab99 · 30/05/2024 13:50

It sounds as though she was very overwrought and just needed to talk to someone. I am in my 70s and widowed, I have 2 sisters and a brother I can ring. Sometimes for no particular reason, I feel I need to talk to someone, and when you can't contact anyone it must be quite distressing. It does sound unreasonable, but she must feel very alone at times, caring for some one with dementia is really hard. 'Turning on the water works' sounds rather harsh from you, unless she is in the habit of demanding attention in this manner.

LifeExperience · 30/05/2024 14:02

She shouldn't have called you at work, but you should have some compassion because taking care of someone with dementia is unbelievably difficult and stressful. Let it go and tell dh he needs to make sure his parents have respite care because she needs help.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/05/2024 14:10

I mean - it sounds stressful all round. She's probably very overwhelmed with everything - if you dont want her calling you anymore just tell her to call her son.

TruthorDie · 30/05/2024 15:08

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 30/05/2024 09:07

I wonder why she didn't harass her son at work if she just wanted to talk to someone? 🤔

Show quote history

He’s too busy with his Big Important Man Job

ginasevern · 30/05/2024 16:35

I don't see what the huge problem is.

MIL phones her DIL just once at work. It is the only time this has ever happened and yet the OP created a thread about it. Shit happens in life, especially when you've got family. In the whole scheme of things this is very, very minor shit indeed and if it's all she's got to worry about she's very lucky. She did not get the sack or disciplined and she is still alive.

I can't believe the grandaughter couldn't answer her phone once to her GM who wanted to wish her a happy holiday. That's the sort of thing grandparents do and MIL, with all her problems, needed that connection/comfort.

The MIL is caring for her husband with dementia. That's tough, soul destroying, isolating and bloody frightening. At best there is a lack of understanding around her emotional distress on this thread and at worst there is complete dismissal because of ageism.

If the person calling had been a 21 year old in a bit of a state about something, I feel sure the responses would be much kinder.

Boomer55 · 30/05/2024 16:58

If she’s caring for someone with Dementia , she probably stressed and strained in every way.

I would cut her some slack.

Nextweektoo · 30/05/2024 16:59

Sounds like she is really struggling, maybe affecting her emotional wellbeing, she has reached out to you, maybe speak with her gently to see if there is more to the story?

lovenotwar149 · 30/05/2024 17:02

I'd be annoyed if my MIL behaved like that. I wouldn't entertain it. I'm with you on this one!

Motheranddaughter · 30/05/2024 17:26

I get on very well with my MIL but right from the start I referred all enquiries to my DH
I highly recommend it

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