Was MIL being unreasonable to phone me at work

[Candy155320]

My DD20 is going holiday Tom and was very busy today with appointments/packing. Had quite a few missed calls today from MIL (can’t have phone at work on me only on my break) saying that DD wasn’t getting phone and had she done anything to her. I explained to her that she was just busy with appointments/packing to which MIL replied to me she was very upset. I again explained to her the situation and then said to me I hope you don’t mind me phoning you at work about this. I then messaged my DD and she said she was busy and couldn’t get the phone but she was going to contact her late afternoon. MIL after I explained this to her proceeded to turn on the waterworks crying to me saying how upset she is & how she had the confidence telling me this. This made me feel very upset as it made me panic thinking ot was emergency and also the fact that she created drama while I was at my work over this. DH said to me she’s got a lot on her mind with caring for FIL who has Dementia but I feel that although this is the case it’s not fair of her to contact me at work over this. So AIBU thinking this or was MIL being unreasonable here

If she’s messaged and left voice mails I would of messaged back and told her you can’t speak now your at work
killing 2 birds with one stone you dealt with it and also let her know you can’t ring her at work

just tell her not to bother ringing you at work again as you can’t have your phone with you it was luck u saw it as you had to get something out of your locker

I don’t understand the almighty drama old people get very insular and think the world revolves round them and everyone operates in the same time scale as them

You’re at work and can’t talk, yet you have answered?

I would ignore her. If it’s an emergency, she’ll ring her son. Can he pick up the phone at work?

We aren’t allowed phones on at work-that solves all this drama!

Did she think something had happened to your DD? If she normally answers her phone but was completely ignoring her then I can see why she could have worked herself up into a state, MIL sound's like she very stressed anyway so it may have just tipped her over the edge not being able to get hold of her, then not being able to get hold of you.

I think calling you at work is fine personally, you can either answer or not, no need to get annoyed with her about it, you chose to ring her back after you got an answer from your DD, you should have asked DD to contact her instead if you were unable to use your phone at work.

I think your DD was unreasonable to just ignore her, she could have sent her a quick text to say she'd ring her later.

YADNBU. MIL sounds like a drama queen, I would have been very pissed off with her. I don't see how FIL's dementia is really relevant. Anyway, it should be on your husband to deal with her, not you. Next time, don't pick up when she calls.

MIL does not have mobile phone she phoned her few times and DD was not purposefully intentionally ignoring MIL

I told my husband unless it’s emergency I don’t want your mum bothering me at work over petty things like DD unable to phone her back or pick up phone and next time I won’t be phoning her back either - if it was a just to see how you are then that’s fine but to bother me over DD not getting her phone that’s different

If this is the first time I would not mention anything again to her, perhaps she had a bad morning and things escalated in her mind, who knows, she certainly sounds very stressed out so treat her with a bit of grace.
If it happens again then talk to your DH about how to approach this.

Well you’ve given her exactly what she wanted by rewarding her histrionics by making your daughter ring her. Your daughter sounds like she has better boundaries- don’t erode these by making her think women always have to be polite and dance to others’ tune.
Next time don’t answer your MIL at work. If you’ve worried, get your DH to contact her. That will stop her nonsense- not pandering to it.

You said she left you voicemails, sent two messages and send a facebook message? How did she send the messages and facebook message without a mobile phone?

What does your mother in law usually do when she phones you/your husband/your daughter and they don’t answer? Is this the first time this has ever happened?

That wasn’t an emergency. She shouldn’t have phoned you at work.

Quite right. Best to nip this sort of nonsense in the bud before it becomes a habit. I hope your husband doesn't moan about it, as well. Don't tolerate it if he does. If you read my post history, I'm very far from an 'all men suck' poster, and in fact I frequently call out the misandry on this site, but one thing that does annoy me no end is husbands expecting wives to deal with inlaws. Too many men seem to expect this and it isn't on.

On her Kindle

She shouldn't have hassled you at work.

But maybe it's time your DH realised how difficult life is for her. Caring for someone with dementia is hard. It's isolating and it's 24/7.

I appreciate she annoyed you today, but perhaps cut her some slack. When you're in the depths of caring for someone you love, the smallest issue (ie granddaughter not answering phone) can be blown out of proportion.

I imagine the tears were not to be manipulative, perhaps they were tears of frustration at her life, not being able to chat with her granddaughter, knowing that she was being a nuisance to you.

so she can send messages on her kindle but not receive them?

Saying your MIL hasn't got a mobile phone so your daughter couldn't possibly text her is a bit daft if she's got a device she can message and facebook on, it's the same thing.

You daughter was ignoring her, but that's okay in itself as she was busy, but she could have just messaged her to tell her she'd talk to her later.. if she's got time to come home and get in the bath she would have had 20 seconds to do that.

Would have saved all the drama with MIL getting upset and worried and ringing you at work, then you messaging DD, then DD messaging you back, then you ringing MIL back, it all seems to have been escalated quite a lot over what is a very simple issue.

You could have just messaged MIL back to say DD was busy packing and she'd catch up with her later.

Its not about your DD i feel OP. I think MIL has anxiety. This could be result of caring for someone with Alzheimer's/dementia. She sounds overwhelmed therefore anxiety. Sounds like she needs outside support with FIL

It all sounds like complete and utter bollocks and I'd have zero patience with it.

This.

OP, is this out of character for your MIL?

Do you think she is coping?

If this is the first time she's bothered you at work, simply remind her that you only have access to your phone at breaks, so she can't expect you to answer.

And then either you or your DH needs to check on her mental health. She's clearly highly stressed and anxious. This isn't repeat normal behaviour, so she needs checking on. Does she get any respite from her caring role?

I know I said cut her some slack earlier but when I return to my phone after a few hours to see that number of voicemails & messages, I automatically panic. With your dad unwell, I can imagine you thought the worst. You don't need that, you really don't. I didn't realise she'd made all those attempts and I apologise if I sounded dismissive earlier.

It’s ok I don’t take offence at anyone’s comments

I'd go around with DH hand have a chat about how she's coping.

I wouldn't like to have to be the main carer for anyone with Dementia, especially without respite.

Has anything changed for her at home like DFIL getting up at night or becoming aggressive?

Has she got Attendance Allowance for him, a cleaner and a gardener too and is she in touch with her local Carers Hub?

I’d leave it. The poor woman is caring for someone with dementia and it’s her husband so she’s lost that close companionship . She probably feels isolated and depressed. Maybe see if she needs some help. It’s really hard to live with someone who has dementia.

Blimey ..She’s elderly and caring for someone with dementia . Have a bit of heart!

Honestly I’d be pretty peeved if someone called my work unless it was an emergency. I don’t have a direct line so they would call reception and someone would come find me. School calling to say we think your child may have broken their wrist, totally fine. Mother in law calling for a whine and a moan absolutely not ok.

Get your DH to have a chat and ensure he is her first port of call in future.