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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was MIL being unreasonable to phone me at work

115 replies

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 20:38

My DD20 is going holiday Tom and was very busy today with appointments/packing. Had quite a few missed calls today from MIL (can’t have phone at work on me only on my break) saying that DD wasn’t getting phone and had she done anything to her. I explained to her that she was just busy with appointments/packing to which MIL replied to me she was very upset. I again explained to her the situation and then said to me I hope you don’t mind me phoning you at work about this. I then messaged my DD and she said she was busy and couldn’t get the phone but she was going to contact her late afternoon. MIL after I explained this to her proceeded to turn on the waterworks crying to me saying how upset she is & how she had the confidence telling me this. This made me feel very upset as it made me panic thinking ot was emergency and also the fact that she created drama while I was at my work over this. DH said to me she’s got a lot on her mind with caring for FIL who has Dementia but I feel that although this is the case it’s not fair of her to contact me at work over this. So AIBU thinking this or was MIL being unreasonable here

OP posts:
Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:04

Soontobe60 · 29/05/2024 21:03

So she didn’t think to ring her Nan back after she had got out of the car?
Also, you didn’t need to answer the call from her at work. So much angst about a trivial thing!

Yes I did need to answer call at work and get back to her as I thought it was emergency her phoning me

OP posts:
MissUnderstandings · 29/05/2024 21:06

Even though she appreciates she shouldn’t phone you at work, it sounds as if your MiL is having a stressful time with her DH, is sensitive and needy at the moment, and trusts you to confide.

RobertaFirmino · 29/05/2024 21:07

Perhaps MIL is having a particularly bad time right now. We all know dementia is a damn sight more than forgetting what you ate for lunch three minutes ago. Dementia can cause people to exhibit some pretty nasty behaviours (and I said can, not does)* *and I wonder if MIL has been the brunt of some herself. Hopefully, you can find a way to cut her some slack whilst still maintaining boundaries,

PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/05/2024 21:07

Redirect her to your DH number at work.

Ginkypig · 29/05/2024 21:08

Your mil (unless it’s an emergency) was being unreasonable.

from my own experience @Candy155320 I think it might depend on her age/circumstances. Has she always been like this or difficult in other ways or is this newish?

Iv known a few people who have become less confident and less able to cope with their emotions ans they have gotten older and it can make them difficult to deal with.
I absolutely don’t think it’s true of everyone and am not being judgmental about it.

as a couple of example’s

my own mil has really changed in the last few years, she was always a very independent with it woman who raised her children single handed and even in retirement she thought nothing of for example going up on the roof of her shed to refelt it!

Then she had a health blip and now gets very anxious with very little cause when small things go wrong she ruminates on them and mentions them even weeks later sometimes. If she can’t get one of us on the phone she tries to control herself incase we get frustrated but her brain jumps to she must have done something to upset one of us or another reason that is equally unlikely rather than we’re just busy or hadn’t heard the phone.

theres nothing I can pin as to why except she getting older now so feels more vulnerable maybe?

my dear older friend who iv known for 20 years and used to visit regularly, she was a hippie feminist powerhouse of a woman but Covid has completely wiped her confidence to the point she barely goes out anymore and I feel like I’m talking to a person I hardly recognise sometimes when I can get her to speak on the phone to me.

maybe none of this post is relevant to you of course. In which case please ignore!

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:09

Phoning me at work complaining to me about DD that couldn’t answer phone to her there and then, turning on the tears and getting upset to me made me think why is she being like this but yes I appreciate looking after FIL has made things overwhelming for her, she does get outside help for him as well but she should of phoned my husband not bother me about it

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 29/05/2024 21:09

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:04

Yes I did need to answer call at work and get back to her as I thought it was emergency her phoning me

Well so what? Do we really need a lynch mob because an older woman had a bit of a panic and oh the horror, called you at work. It’s hardly the crime of the century.

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:12

Well complaining to me that DD couldn’t get the phone wasn’t ideal either

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 29/05/2024 21:12

Don't mention to mil maybe just tell your dd to call her grandma back . If she had time to get a bath during the day she had time to make a phone call .
Does she always call you in work or is this the first time ?

helpfulperson · 29/05/2024 21:13

It sounds like she is overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for her husband and therefore small things take on a huge magnitude. Obviously it is primarily your husbands responsibility to support but what is he doing to help?

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:13

Starlight7080 · 29/05/2024 21:12

Don't mention to mil maybe just tell your dd to call her grandma back . If she had time to get a bath during the day she had time to make a phone call .
Does she always call you in work or is this the first time ?

My DD did phone her back late afternoon
This is 1st time she’s called me at work and left me 3 voicemails, 2 messages and 1 Facebook message

OP posts:
AGlinnerOfHope · 29/05/2024 21:14

My kids don’t answer the phone to my mum when they are busy. They wait until they a free hour, because it’s impossible to stop her talking.

Starlight7080 · 29/05/2024 21:15

Well can't you forgive her one time being dramatic. I agree she should have called your dh . But it's nice she felt she could reach out to you

hettie · 29/05/2024 21:21

So .. Have I got this right..... Your mil couldn't get a response from DD because she was driving/ in the bath for what max 6 hours. So she's panicking/assuming she's been rejected so she's calling you at work to panic/download and you're a bit like wtf?
In which case her dementia care stress aside you're right to be annoyed

MsCharlene · 29/05/2024 21:22

My mum is prone to repeat calling if someone doesn't answer, and for some reason can't comprehend why anyone wouldn't instantly answer their phone. I often mute my mother for this reason, it's a control thing with her and not my problem that she is abusing the technology she has access to.
She'll text, call me 10 minutes later then call my partner to see if something has happened to me. I won't feed nor entertain it.

She also does it when I'm at work as she needed an urgent painter and decorator. Repeat calls, Facebook messenger, texts etc. she'd leave voicemails if I hadn't switched that off.
Nightmare. I do call her back but not often same day, as this makes her do it more.
I've spoken to her but to no avail.
My grown up kids will text her back but not immediately if they are busy, driving, working.

Her narcissism is enabled by the wonders of technology.

JustPleachy · 29/05/2024 21:27

That’s bonkers. She couldn’t get hold of her granddaughter straight away so she escalated to calling you at work. It wasn’t an emergency. That’s not normal behaviour.

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:31

Yes I don’t mind if it was emergency but to message me/voicemail me numerous times over DD not being able to get the phone has made me annoyed if I’m being honest

OP posts:
Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:34

AFmammaG · 29/05/2024 21:04

turned on the waterworks
Twice you’ve said this now, you clearly don’t like her. She was trying to do something nice. She was ignored and then upset. You sound quite horrible.

I do like my MIL but she tends to turn to crying in situations like this when I call her out on her behaviour

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 29/05/2024 21:38

Shes struggling emotionally with FIL.
you did right thing by saying ringing at work, unless absolute emergency, is not acceptable. I think a talk with her about getting outside support with FIL is prob best bet...she makes need a little respite or support, you cant do it all. Is FIL under any care?

Abstractthinking · 29/05/2024 21:39

What wrong with calling you at work?

I call dh at work probably once a day. My relatives are regularly on whatsapp during work hours. Obviously with some jobs you can't take call. But then you don’t answer, ring back later or text. No drama. I'm in one of those jobs. I can't see what the big problem is with her trying to call you during the working day.

Also if dd had time for a bath, she had time to ring her grandma. And 20-year olds don't spend all day packing for themselves to go on holiday.

Sounds like all involved were not particularly sympathic.

Could your mil also be showing signs of dementia? My grandma used to call my mum all the time, over the simplest things because she got so anxious.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 29/05/2024 21:40

You sound absolutely heartless to be honest OP, “waterworks” turning the tears on” and “getting upset” she sounds completely overwhelmed.

Also you were on your break when you replied to her calls, she’s hardly interrupting your working day!

nutmeg7 · 29/05/2024 21:41

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:34

I do like my MIL but she tends to turn to crying in situations like this when I call her out on her behaviour

You seem to perceive her crying as being manipulative, done “deliberately.”

What if she is upset and overwhelmed? Caring for someone with dementia when you are also elderly can leave you with a short emotional fuse, and very anxious. Just because the situation wouldn’t overwhelm you, it doesn’t mean it isn’t overwhelming her.

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:42

Abstractthinking · 29/05/2024 21:39

What wrong with calling you at work?

I call dh at work probably once a day. My relatives are regularly on whatsapp during work hours. Obviously with some jobs you can't take call. But then you don’t answer, ring back later or text. No drama. I'm in one of those jobs. I can't see what the big problem is with her trying to call you during the working day.

Also if dd had time for a bath, she had time to ring her grandma. And 20-year olds don't spend all day packing for themselves to go on holiday.

Sounds like all involved were not particularly sympathic.

Could your mil also be showing signs of dementia? My grandma used to call my mum all the time, over the simplest things because she got so anxious.

DD did phone MIL and it wasn’t just packing for holiday my DD had. It was appointments as well. And as I said I can’t have my phone on me at work so to have missed calls/voicemails and Facebook messages saying DD couldn’t get the phone is annoying

OP posts:
wizarddry · 29/05/2024 21:43

How's your MIL generally? If this was my MIL I'd be letting my DH know she didn't seem to be coping well and he needs to figure out how to support her. I don't think her behaviour is completely rational but I also think you seem to be quite wound up about it.

wizarddry · 29/05/2024 21:44

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:42

DD did phone MIL and it wasn’t just packing for holiday my DD had. It was appointments as well. And as I said I can’t have my phone on me at work so to have missed calls/voicemails and Facebook messages saying DD couldn’t get the phone is annoying

Why is it annoying? Can't you just go oh 10 missed calls and 5 voicemails. Listen to one then ring her back