Was MIL being unreasonable to phone me at work

[Candy155320]

My DD20 is going holiday Tom and was very busy today with appointments/packing. Had quite a few missed calls today from MIL (can’t have phone at work on me only on my break) saying that DD wasn’t getting phone and had she done anything to her. I explained to her that she was just busy with appointments/packing to which MIL replied to me she was very upset. I again explained to her the situation and then said to me I hope you don’t mind me phoning you at work about this. I then messaged my DD and she said she was busy and couldn’t get the phone but she was going to contact her late afternoon. MIL after I explained this to her proceeded to turn on the waterworks crying to me saying how upset she is & how she had the confidence telling me this. This made me feel very upset as it made me panic thinking ot was emergency and also the fact that she created drama while I was at my work over this. DH said to me she’s got a lot on her mind with caring for FIL who has Dementia but I feel that although this is the case it’s not fair of her to contact me at work over this. So AIBU thinking this or was MIL being unreasonable here

@Candy155320 do you like your MIL

Yes I do like MIL but it’s the behaviour described she did they I don’t like

I'm bemused by the 'why don't you answer her calls at work crowd'. United there was a blue light emergency of her my arse handed to me b fruit answering personal calls at work. It's not a a social club, it's a workplace... I've got understanding colleagues and I'm an understanding manager but answering a call because a relative can't instantly get hold of an another relative without the reason being they needed tho get hold of them.to impart emergency news would be very wtf?!

Until you’ve walked the path of caring for a LO with dementia it’s impossible to realize what it’s like and it must be so hard when it’s your husband /wife. No wonder she’s easily upset and crying. If she has a breakdown / burn out there’ll be more to worry about than phone calls at work.

I agree. I think MIL needs support and is showing severe anxiety which is pretty common in carers who are overwhelmed

Sounded a lonely MIL. And she should be dealing with your DH, not you.

I noticed this with my parents when their world "shrank" for want of a better word.

Firstly during covid as my father was shielding, then after as they had already got used to not going anywhere or seeing anyone and it got worse last year when my mothers health issues led to her having to stop driving (father already couldnt drive due to sight loss).

They have nothing to compare things to. So when I dont answer straight away, even though I put my shifts of their calendar, I get a panicked voicemail asking if me and the kids are ok. Its all they have, its all they think about. They have no frame of reference that tells them "Its only been half an hour!"

I get it, it comes from love, but FUCK ME its annoying! I say to my boss "I am sorry, I have to call my parents", she understands I am their main carer, and it turns out that its because the water pressure is a bit low and they need to know if mine is the same but because I didnt answer, me and the kids have probably been slaughtered by an axe murderer.

I think your MIL has very little apart from FIL to focus on now, and talking to you probably feels like her only contact with the outside world. I get it, I really do. But I think patience and understanding is the best way to handle this.

Caring for a partner with dementia is very hard and in my experience bloody lonely. I can easily go for days without a sensible conversation of any sort. It would mean the world to me if my adult kids took 5 minutes out of their day to speak to me or maybe popped in once in a while. They find me pretty fast if they want childcare but I rarely have contact otherwise. I have tried to talk to them about how hard it is but they blank me. He's not too bad yet, good days and bad but aside from the daily trials of living with someone who had the memory of a goldfish, the thought of what is to come is bloody terrifying. I really could do with just a bit of moral support. None of them ever asks about him or shows any concern for how I manage. Maybe your DH needs to up his game a bit

Yanbu. I can’t easily take work calls. It’s not forbidden but it’s unprofessional and I could have a patient complaint from it. Next time don’t answer phone. If she can get texts on kindle send a canned response…at work talk to you later. I didn’t see your DD’s age but I’m sure she’s busy and excited for trip and just put off DGM. I have done that myself when I don’t want to make small talk and want to be focused. A lot of assumptions have been made about FIL on this thread. Maybe she is lonely/overwhelmed or maybe she’s just demanding and inpatient. I had to break my DH from the frequent phone calling habit. If I’m upstairs I’m not going downstairs to answer the phone to hear you say….whatcha doing??? I will call you back when I’m near phone. Jeez my DM talked to DF once a day at most!! unless MIL has dementia I think it’s very reasonable to verbally remind her…we are not tethered to our phones. We are at work or busy. We will call you back when we can sometime later in the day. Call only if it’s an emergency. Additional help etc for FIL is a whole other issue and best handled by DH. I find people who call repeatedly/ text / facebook tend to be demanding and unrealistic and think everyone is at the beck and call of their phone.

Dd should have called her..she just wanted to wish her a nice time.
Treat her Kindle it might be you one day in her situation.

It may not be a social club, but it's not a prison either, not everyone can take calls in work time, fair enough, but most can deal with phone calls and messages during breaks, like OP did.

I can't follow everything you're saying about where you work, but if it is so bad that you have your 'arse handed to you' by dealing with personal issues in your personal break time, then a worried MIL is probably the least of your problems, it sounds like a shit place to work.

Even if I hadn’t been at work I would be pretty annoyed at being called by my MIL with urgency because my DD was not responding quickly enough to her calls and she felt snubbed.

But if it’s a one off, I don’t think bringing it up again serves any purpose. I would perhaps suggest to DH that he starts keeping an eye out for other issues, because the urgency sounds like a sudden change in behaviour. And if you know she’s struggling with FiL, mentioning to DH (or taking it on yourself if you have an independent relationship that makes you want to) that she probably needs more attention would be good.

I think the transition from the Parent/Child dynamic is hard enough, but its got worse since generally people are having kids later. I have a 12 year old (youngest of 6) and am carer to my parents in their 70's with health issues at the same time. That seems to be a more common scenario in recent years.

I think that saying it in blunt terms will bring it into focus, good or bad. "You call me when you need childcare but I need an afternoon off you wont help me with Dad and it makes me think that you only call me when you need something". Hopefully they dont realise how selfish they are being and will step up and if they dont, well you dont have to help them either.

AgeUK (or whatever it is called now, I am old I cant remember!) and the Dementia charities can help with respite and other support. Day care respite was a life saver when we went through this with my Grandmother. Take care xx

Your dd is actually allowed to answer her phone when it is convenient for her to do so. If ever, if it suits her.

Your mil is very manipulative, calling you at work, crying etc. I can't stand this kind of behaviour.

Tattle.
She wanted to tattle on your daughter so that you would send her to her room without supper.
I actually feel bad for your MIL. Her husband is disappearing bit by painful bit and she can’t do anything about it. She’s got absolutely no control and that’s a terrifying thing.
Not being able to get ahold of her granddaughter is another thing out of her control and the whole “loss of control” is probably freaking her out.
She was trying to grab hold of someone, anyone, and she grabbed hold of you.
I see how it was annoying and inappropriate for her to call you at work, but cut the old girl some slack. She’s losing her whole married life right now.
I can’t imagine losing someone to dementia or Alzheimer’s - but I watched someone who did. It erased 60 years of her life, just as much as it did her Alzheimer’s-afflicted husband.
Have your husband take over and have him explain to her that you can’t take calls at work.
I’m truly sorry you’re all going through this stressful time - I look forward to the time when there’s a cure - or prevention - for dementia and Alzheimer’s.

MIL needs friends to talk to and for support. She can’t rely on younger busy family to drop everything and chat to her. She’s probably feeling lonely and isolated but telling you all off for not giving her attention isn’t the way to express that.

Your DH needs a proper chat to her about how he can help get her some support so she isn’t relying on the wrong people.

As a once off I would cut her some slack.
Your DD was busy.
Is your husband stepping up and being supportive of his mother?
If not, he needs to.

MIL needs friends to talk to and for support

Of course. But they'll have disappeared faster than the friends in the widow thread.
And where is she going to find the time to see friends? To go to any groups? To socialise with anyone? There's no way any of her friends are going to visit her and sit with her demented husband while chatting to her
Looking after her DH 24/7 doen't allow for any of that. And her friends won't appreciate distressed and depressing calls any more than OP does.

It's a hellish world she's in. The only thing that OP can do is remind her that she can't be contacted during working hours. And help her find respite care.

Your DH needs a proper chat to her about how he can help get her some support so she isn’t relying on the wrong people.

Hey family aren't the wrong people, FFS. She just called at the wrong time.

Jesus some of these responses! Not everyone can take calls at work, not every missed call needs to be responded to within minutes and the MIL was being manipulative and unfair. OP your DH needs to nip this in the bud as it's ridiculous behaviour.

Your DD is old enough so I assume your Mil is being in your life for years, if she is always being like this, you go your answer. If not, your husband is correct, she is really struggling.
Can you, the three of you, with special mentioning of your husband help her a bit. She may just looking for a no dementia conversation or she may want some words of support or help somehow.
Dementia is very draining not only for the person who suffer it.

People do silly things in distress. I wouldn't mention it and I wouldn't lecture her.

Sounds like MIL has a lot on her plate, and overthinking/worrying that dd was ignoring her to the point she had to know what was wrong. I would be a bit annoyed she called me at work but more concerned about reassuring her none of you would ever fall out with her, love her very much and try not to stress when she can't get hold of any of you, it will only mean busy never any issues.

If you can gently say please do not call at work again as you then panicked about and emergency and you can get into trouble. And also encourage dh and dd to pick up any call/phone back immediately even if just to say "i cant talk just now but will call you later"

I don’t get the drama, surely just a quick, ‘oh, I thought as you’d called me at work it was an emergency’ said at the time would have been a good way to communicate.

it is annoying being called at work, but you don’t need to escalate any further with her.

It's clearly not OP who is creating the drama. Some people bring the drama however you try to shut it down.

My friend works in elderly care and her advice was great when I had issues with my dad.

She said we have to accept that thought processes change and that what is minor to us (and probably would have been to them 10 years ago) takes on a greater importance.
I have heard similar things from colleagues dealing with older parents with increased anxiety over very small things.

I would tell her that it's hard for you to take calls at work but be gentle. I also imagine that there was a degree of your daughter not wanting to deal with her. Surely she has time to text back between the car and running a bath? In reality she probably knew she'd ring and it would take a while so get it from her perspective too.

This. She’s not going through a great time but that’s not anyone else’s fault. Her behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud