Did I put my foot in it with colleague

[Hayfevercandie]

I work in a team where we're all kinda fairly young and have a good laugh. There's a guy in the team who's very young, early 20s and he likes to be the clown of the group in a way. People rib him in an endearing way and he's definitely known as the joker of the group.

Anyway he's on leave ATM but has been sending occasional pictures and updates to our work group chat.

I texted him briefly saying, hope you're having an amazing time, stay safe, we miss you!
He replied briefly saying thanks will do, and that's all.

A couple of hours later another guy in the team messaged on our group chat saying to him 'Are you still alive?"

He didn't reply for a bit and I put in a jokey way "Yeah I can confirm I heard from him earlier and all's good".

About 20 minutes later I got a private message from him telling me not to do that again, and that he will do it in his own time. He said it was not my place and then a few other things I just skimmed over as I deleted the message out of embarrassment.

I apologised and said I totally understand. I know from a mental health point of view there's more than meets the eye and he can occasionally seem quite irritable and withdrawn.

Anyway I've no intention of saying anything else or messaging. Does it sound like I put my foot in it?

Hmm I can see how it came across a bit wanky from him but fuck knows what's going on in his life for you to have confirmed that 'all is good with him' especially knowing he's off on leave and has MH issues. I'd just think, 'ok, noted!' and move on.

I see what you mean but he's gone on holiday and has been posting pictures etc. About it. Anyway definitely won't be messaging again!

Sorry, this prick is 13 years younger than you and thinks he gets to tell people what they can and can’t do? He sounds like a contemptuous and patronising arse. Don’t give him a second thought.

I honestly wouldn't be giving other colleague's numbers out, it could backfire badly. Especially when people are involved who clearly like to have a go.

I did ask the other colleague for permission and he said yeah, that's fine. But lessons learned 🤣

Having been in a chat where something similar happened (answering for someone else in a way that they'd clearly been in PM touch) it did come across as they were trying to, I'm going to say "claim possession" of them. ie no one else is as close as I am because we have a private chat.

It was more than once though, and it wasn't just the chat that made it feel that way either, it was also the way they behaved f2f too.

I'm sure you didn't mean it like that but I wonder if that was how he felt.

@Hayfevercandie sounds like he wants to keep your personal communication's, secret

😀

@Hayfevercandie it’s not you, it’s him. His dressing down of the other colleague was unnecessary as well. Whatever he needed to say he didn’t need to jump down anyone’s throat.

His reaction and messages were bizarre.

I would step WAY back from the quasi-friendship side of things with these colleagues. Don't ever send anything to the WhatsApp that you wouldn't want your manager to see. It only takes one bad egg and you're in a heap of trouble.

Im actually slightly annoyed now, who does he think he is speaking to me like that, he's 20 FFS.
I could understand if I done it repeatedly but that was the only time. I'll be giving him a wide berth. I know for a fact he wouldn't speak to his beloved friend like that (the one whose number he asked me for)

He sounds dramatic and hard work.
Interesting that you said he got frosty with another colleague about something else.
I worked with a woman years ago who liked a lot of attention and could be a laugh, but always seemed to have one of the team (of about 12) in her sights to low-key bully at any one time.

he does like attention

Doesn’t he just….? Honestly - just leave it and ignore. (That’s likely to be the thing that gets to him the most by the sound of it…..)

What's done is done, but I do think you overstepped. It's not your place to answer for him. It's not like people were getting panicked about his lack of responses. He could have been more diplomatic though.

Yeah I kind of would be a little bit like..I can speak for myself thanks. But I wouldn't say anything as frankly the whole thing sounds overwrought and far too connected to each other you all need to work on friendship circles outside the work space imo

Is this guy on annual leave on holiday then? Not sick leave or any sort of leave that means he might need to know the team are all still OK with him and he can come back no hard feelings?

If its just a holiday why on earth is everyone texting each other have a break!!!

I find his reaction really bizarre and I’m not sure what his MH would have to do with it as your colleague didn’t mean ‘is everything ok in your life?’ or ‘have you committed suicide?’ or anything remotely serious. They sent a jokey question and you answered in a perfectly normal way. I would find it very unfriendly of him. Do you remember anything else he said in the message telling you off?

It's hard to know without knowing the vibe of the group. I'm sort of wondering if you answering on his behalf felt a bit possessive to him?

Given the age gap, might that have felt a bit weird??

Honestly I think you’re also being really immature, deleting it out of embarrassment, having to ask a colleague, having to ask on here, being annoyed at his group messages, deciding you will now not speak to him again,

its all such childish drama.

Some people are strange. One minute they are having a laugh with you and the next they're a bit off. I would have given him just a thumbs up for the 'never answer on behalf of me' message and not apologised.

I think it sounds like you wanted the group to know you were having a separate private conversation with him. It's such an unnecessary thing for you to reply too.

He clearly however, doesn't want anyone to know that!

In my head I'm thinking he should mute his WORK chat and get a life.

He’s a knob, you should forget all about it except for the part where you don’t bother with him from now on. Also totally fine to raise it with a colleague- we are all human and he gave you a serve! It seems much less healthy to keep that to yourself. I’d tell a colleague, and have. I’d hate to work somewhere I didn’t feel I could do that.

I would leave it and would not pm any more, but if this was reversed and it was a female being spoken of the replies would be different

Good grief! What an overreaction on his part! He may have found it mildly irritating that you felt the need to pipe up on his behalf, but it wasn't worth such a dramatic response. I'd keep everything very cool and professional with Mr. Sensitive, from this point forward.