My two year old is going through the tantrum stage, so many people seem to think he's naught and I can't parent

[lovelyhill]

I have an older DD, she's 4. So I've ' seen it all before '.

It's a pain. Any time he does not get his way, he has a tantrum. Any time we stop having fun at an activity and need to go home, tantrum.

We all know this behaviour. But I'm a bit shocked how many people think he's naughty and badly behaved, rather than just a two year old, doing two year old things.

I'm doing the usual, keeping calm, remove him/ try to distract him/ just let him get it out of his system/ validate his feelings of anger of sadness and cuddles when appropriate.

A lot of the time I just let him get on with it, if he's in a safe spot.

People in public really stare and give dirty looks. Family members say his behaviour is unacceptable and I should be firmer.

I am firm, if it's a no, it's no and if we have to go, we go. I don't give into him. That's why he has tantrums in the first place.

Shouting at him, doesn't help. So I don't do that. Losing it myself, doesn't help.

I've been here before, my older DD was the same and it gradually just got better. I don't think it's anything I did. She still whines when we leave somewhere she was having fun, but not a full blown tantrum and I can explain to her that whilst it's normal to be sad- it's not OK for her to be in a huff and whine all the way home either.

A two year old doesn't get it yet.

Anyway, it is frustrating but both my kids have gone through this. Some kids don't. I don't think it's because their parents did anything better, it's just a different child.

Any advice / experiences in general that may help ?

You're right, the people frowning are stupid. Just focus on him and be glad he has parents that grasp developmental stages!

Did you the looks with your daughter?

I always focus on my DD if she has a tantrum and genuinely couldn't care less what other people think

Sounds like you are doing a great job. As you said it's a totally normal stage of development. As hard as it is, try and ignore the looks. For family members, you could try pointing them in the direction of an evidence based parenting book. Dan Siegel is great and backs up your approach.

Yes I had the same with DD.

Family members also commented and also didn't get it. Now they say that little brother had copied sister's bad behaviour !

Sorry, but none of my three boys went through "the tantrum stage", so it isn't a universal thing. It would seem that your family haven't experienced it either.

Any time we needed to stop having fun, they would have a 5 minute warning, then a 1 or 2 minute warning. This helped them understand and no tantrum ensued. Of course they might have been sad, but any sign of a tantrum was nipped in the bud with distraction.

I do think it is wrong if strangers are giving you dirty looks though, hopefully it is just your perception.

Are you a lone parent, or do they misbehave/ tantrum for Daddy too?

validate his feelings of anger and sadness

It'll be this. Before I had a child I thought "being firm" meant you don't give into their every whim.

Now I'm parenting a toddler I've found when people tell you you need to "be firm" they often actually mean you should be shouting at, shaming and even mocking your child for feeling intense emotions about things they deem "silly".

Keep up what you're doing OP.

People just don't want to accept that is just how human children develop and look for someone to blame. (Usually the Mum)

They are utterly ignorant but what is new in today's world of thinking we can control everything? even human biology. 🤔

I know some kids don't do it. I even say so in my OP.

Lucky you, that your kids didn't do it.

They do/ did the same with their dad.

It's just how it is and then it gets better as they develop.

I never did it according to my parents.

People forget so quickly how 2 year olds are emotional, demand instant gratification and are irrational. I have a 2 year old who also doesn't like leaving places, but can't say I've noticed people judging!
My only thought would be to say your goodbyes etc, tell your child you're leaving and the instant they begin to tantrum, pick them up and sweep them out. Once in the car seat, try the distraction and empathy chat. But my girl wouldn't have the emotional maturity to listen to reason or calm down to leave whilst still in the thick of the fun place!

Always blaming the mum indeed !!!

I was once ignoring a tantrum from my two year old in the shopping trolley, having not given in to their demand for something or other. He was yelling away but I was getting on with moving my shopping through as fast as possible to avoid holding the queue up and aiming to get out quickly. A man grabbed my arm and hissed "If I were you I would ignore that behaviour". I WAS ignoring it! That was what ignoring it looked like, he screamed because I hadn't given in to his unreasonable demand.

People are intolerant of parenting if they see the sharp end, what the tutters want is for you to have dealt with all behaviours BEFORE you ever leave the house, so they don't have to see it.

Love it how people with chill kids swoop in with their basic parenting strategies like you’d never have thought of trying that and if you had everything would be grand.

It’s developmental and partly about temperament. I’ve had a non-tantrummer and an extreme explosive tantrummer. I was a more experienced parent when it came to dealing with the latter but it made not a jot of difference until he grew out of it and learned to emotionally regulate 🤷🏻‍♀️

Solidarity OP, my 19 month old has been having ‘tantrums’ since he was a year old!

He’s my 3rd. My older children never had tantrums, they were easy to distract and placate. This one isn’t even tho we try our best.

He isn’t able to understand (yet) that we can come back another day or need to do x/y/z. He is too young to want to do anything other than what he wants to do!

I think perhaps that because your family seem very judgemental you seem to think the rest of us are too. We're not, honestly OP. I always try to either smile or "I remember those days" to parents.

I agree with you he tantrums because he's 2yo and you stick to your guns.

When anyone says "you need to be firmer"

Just ask "I've said and meant no - that's why he's having a tantrum. What do you suggest?"

I can pretty much guarantee they won't have another solution.

Some kids are just more emotionally reactive than others. My ds was so placid I often wondered if he was aware of life - but I never judged a parent who had a kid who wasn't.

I secretly judged those who gave in though!

You might have tried this but: We try to do countdowns before we leave somewhere or do something else so they have enough notice and know what’s going on. Eg “5 more swings then we’re leaving to go home from the park ok? 5…4…3…” I try to get them to ‘agree’ by saying ok. Then it feels more ‘their’ choice. I sometimes use a timer at home so they can physically see or hear when the times up, again we agree on it beforehand, less room for being unreasonable/arguments. Also “once we do x, then we can do y” helps, I do sometimes think they feel I’m just being unreasonable and making them do things they don’t want for the hell of it 🤣

I will also often have a distraction to get my son into his buggy if I can sense resistance,
e.g. a (healthy before anyone comes for me, one that he would have anyway!) snack/drink. You’re doing your best, honestly I think people forget they were once children themselves. Do what you can, whatever works.

Two year olds are not naughty, they are developing their emotional capacity and their understanding of the world. Ignore the idiotic strangers. I recommend Philippa Perry's parenting book for some good tips on preventing and dealing with tantrums.

So a controversial name but I watch a woman called "brat busters" on YouTube and she talks a lot about tantrums under 2 and she does what you do mostly or suggests it, she says just ignore it. You wait while they do it, but don't go on your phone so they know you're waiting and when they're done look at them and say "all done, shall we go do something?" And don't bring it up again. She says under 3 they can't reason or self regulate and every tantrum is a learning experience. She also said talking about it can make it longer and more frustrating. It's when they get older those talks can happen I believe

It's not the tantrum they're judging; its your reaction OP. Lots of people want to see performative discipline and have no tolerance for validating kids feelings. Don't let it bother you- as pp have said you're doing everything right!

My (then) two year old daughter once lay on the floor of a massive shopping centre shrieking and flailing (because she was hangry - everyone else was already in Nando’s but she was beyond reasoning with!) Everytime I went near her she lashed out furiously at me so I just stood next to her to wait for the tantrum to finish. Most people just ignored us. One charmer decided to tut loudly and offer me some unasked for criticism of my parenting (I can’t actually remember exactly what she said). I’m a solo mum to twins and the early years were HARD. Her uncalled for unkindness created red mist anger - as she walked away I hissed ‘oh fuck off’ at her. She definitely heard. Not my proudest moment but you’ve got to be a special kind of arsehole to criticise a parent like that!

My youngest has tantrums between 9 months and 6 years old. My in laws were awful and we're convinced he would be a juvenile delinquent if we didn't disipline him more. I had random strangers tell me I need to call super nanny 😡 one day he was having a huge meltdown in our local high street because they had sold out of the magazine I was going to get him and he didn't understand we would get it somewhere else. A lovely older lady came up and told me I was doing a good job and her son was just like that and he was a lovely young man married with kids of his own. Then someone else came over to see if they could help in any way and that they know what it's like. It's so much nicer when people are understanding.
You are doing a good job. Some kids just have more tantrums than others.
My son's 14 now and lovely so despite taking longer than average he got past the tantrum stage

Great, but every child is different and go through difficult stages at different ages.

OP, it sounds to be like you are doing all the right things. Keep doing what you are doing and completely ignore others. You will come out the other side soon!

Oh ignore the miserable fuckers. Honestly I used to worry about things like this but really who cares what they think?? You crack on. The only parents I judge are the ones screaming and swearing at their kids, I'd never judge a parent or child because of a tantrum, the child is two ffs.

OP people are idiots.
Start from there.

Well put and right.

If you were giving in and letting your toddler have what they want because they tantrummed, I'd agree with your family. But you're not.

I also love when people whose children didn't tantrum think it's their excellent parenting. See also sleep, food, and a host of other things. Smug parenting, ignore it.

Giving a 10 and 5 - or 5 and 2 - minute warning before leaving an activity was a game changer for us. And never giving into a tantrum to get his own way (but you know that). You could try avoiding no and switching to 'we can't have that today but we can have it on x day' or 'we can't have that right now but you can have x after tea'. Doesn't always work of course, but can sound less harsh/final than a straight out no so does sometimes.

But once they're in full on tantrum there's nothing you can do really. I still remember getting a comment in Waitrose and mine is an adult now.