My two year old is going through the tantrum stage, so many people seem to think he's naught and I can't parent

[lovelyhill]

I have an older DD, she's 4. So I've ' seen it all before '.

It's a pain. Any time he does not get his way, he has a tantrum. Any time we stop having fun at an activity and need to go home, tantrum.

We all know this behaviour. But I'm a bit shocked how many people think he's naughty and badly behaved, rather than just a two year old, doing two year old things.

I'm doing the usual, keeping calm, remove him/ try to distract him/ just let him get it out of his system/ validate his feelings of anger of sadness and cuddles when appropriate.

A lot of the time I just let him get on with it, if he's in a safe spot.

People in public really stare and give dirty looks. Family members say his behaviour is unacceptable and I should be firmer.

I am firm, if it's a no, it's no and if we have to go, we go. I don't give into him. That's why he has tantrums in the first place.

Shouting at him, doesn't help. So I don't do that. Losing it myself, doesn't help.

I've been here before, my older DD was the same and it gradually just got better. I don't think it's anything I did. She still whines when we leave somewhere she was having fun, but not a full blown tantrum and I can explain to her that whilst it's normal to be sad- it's not OK for her to be in a huff and whine all the way home either.

A two year old doesn't get it yet.

Anyway, it is frustrating but both my kids have gone through this. Some kids don't. I don't think it's because their parents did anything better, it's just a different child.

Any advice / experiences in general that may help ?

I find thinking of it as a 'meltdown' rather than a tantrum helps. There is no point getting 'tough' or losing it with a 2yo who is in meltdown mode and has lost control. You need to be the adult (which you are being).

You don't give in, but you are the calm in the storm so you can help your DC calm down and regulate their emotions.

I once had to wait for 15 minutes in our town centre because my then 3yo was absolutely losing it, lying on the pavement kicking and screaming, and I hadn't brought the buggy. This was because I had refused to buy a toy in the supermarket.

It's one of the more unpleasant parts of parenting - the same as getting up with an unwell child 10 times a night, repeatedly changing vomit-covered sheets or having your toddler wipe their blood-nose on your trousers just before you head to work. Some people may never have to deal with it, lucky them.

Honestly, you're doing everything right. I had one (my first) who tantrummed - usually at the end of the day when she was tired - the only thing that worked was to just wait it out until she was ready to cuddle. Fortunately 99% of the time this happened at home.

My second was easy to distract and a piece of cake at 2 (but awful at 6).

You just keep doing what you're doing. If I'm ever in a queue and I see you, I won't be judging.

Ignore it and keep doing what your doing. Mine had tantrums, same as you I remained calm, didn't give in to the demands, didn't shout. Eldest are 13 and 15 now and no behaviour issues.

Well of course they said you didn't do it, because that proves their superior parenting but it's almost certainly bollocks! You can hardly prove otherwise can you?!

I would ask why they don't write a book about how to be a perfect parent seeing as they know it all.

Sounds like you have all the right strategies and the knowledge that this phase will pass. Keep going with what you are doing! You got this!
as for the whining phase I must have said on repeat for several years “speak to me in your normal voice” and not listen when they use the whiny voice. That phase also passed and they rarely whine now as teenagers as got out the habit! Good luck!

My 3 year old still has these tantrums sometimes, it’s normal. Ignore them op.

A lot of people's kids don't do the tantrum stage, so those folk may think they're superior parents and that you're doing something wrong. Admittedly when my daughter was in her 2's and 3's and impeccably behaved I felt very smug about it (in my defence I was a teenage mum and not very worldly wise yet. I do now feel horrible for the nasty looks I gave the poor mums with tantruming kids in public, and realise I just got very lucky)

I've since spent time with friends with tantrumers and they're amazing parents, probably better than I was, they just pulled the short straw when it came to their child's level of ability to go absolutely batshit over the dumbest things.

Sounds like you're doing everything right and being a great mum, ignore them! Maybe one day they'll get a tantrumer too and have to suck those sour faces back into their skulls like I did 🙏

I had two children who didn’t tantrum and this type tactic worked fine. I always got complimented for their behaviour in public. Then followed a child, treated the same in every way as much as that is possible, who was an absolute monkey of a tantrumer and caused many scathing, judgy looks at me and my husband. (But mainly me, because that’s the way the world works…)

Taught me to be far less judgemental. Also, that people are going to have annoying and misinformed opinions, no matter what you do.

Sounds like you’re doing a really great job. Ignore the people who freely give their opinions with no big picture of your strategy or children.

I'm surprised ar that OP most normal people know 2 year olds have tantrums.
Seeing a 2 year old in a shop screaming doesn't bother me at all I know what it is.
If my 41 year old DS had a tantrum in a shop I might raise my eyebrows... ut a 2 year old, no.

There is no such thing as a naughty child. Unacceptable behaviour yes . Usually unacceptable in adult terms. Boundaries in place adults job. Keep doing as you are and take no notice of anybody else. It is NOT their business.

Complete solidarity with you 👊My first born was never a ‘tantrumer’ but my second born sure is making up for it!

Sounds like you are doing all the right things, just try and ignore the people who stare or make comments. We were in a queue the other day when my 2 year old was kicking off in his pushchair and a man turned round to look at him and raised his eyebrows, and I said ‘yes, it’s a child crying’ in a very passively aggressive way but sod them!

The last few lines of your post makes you sound like one of those people who judge others. What weird questions to ask…

You sound like a great parent, balanced and thoughtful, able to acknowledge the situation for what it is and remain level headed. It is just a phase (especially with boys at that age, as I’ve been persistently told by various childhood experts thanks to my tantrum filled 2 boys) and with consistent parenting like yours, they will soon learn and understand the boundaries and acceptable behaviour. I saw a big difference in my eldest from about 4.

I am still reeling from my then 21 month old having the most epic of meltdowns in Geneva airport last December. So bad was it, that he practically brought the airport check in (and surrounding check ins who stopped to observe) to a standstill. People had to virtually step over him to check in while he was rolling and writhing around on the floor screaming in a fit of fury…think “stop, drop and roll” while screaming like they’re on fire kind of level…and all because I opened the bag of mini party rings he asked me to open for him. It was a good half hour before he calmed down by himself, having exhausted all of the parenting I knew. And all I got from other commuters were looks of absolute disgust. I wore my metaphorical “bad mum” badge home without (much of) a care, whilst carrying then emotionally exhausted toddler all the way (who then went on to smash his head open on the seat in front of us on the plane. 2 badges for me…🙄🫣)

Not judgemental at all, and I state that OP is probably just perceiving judgement from strangers. I have never judged a parent if their child is tantruming, all children are different.

My point, perhaps poorly made, is that it is not "The Tantrum Stage", as it is not an inevitable stage that all 2 year olds go through. Some or many do, which is a developmental stage, but also some parents allow misbehaviour and claim it is an unavoidable stage rather than consider a different parenting strategy.

OP asked for tips, I provided mine (others have since offered the same), as OP doesn't mention trying this often effective tactic.

OP hadn't/ hasn't mentioned the father. Children often behave differently for different caregivers. If the tantrums do not occur with other caregivers, then the child can apparently moderate their behaviour when they want to, and/ or know that it isn't acceptable for the other adults. That's why I asked if they behave differently for their Dad - who tends to be the other main caregiver.

I started carrying a small sand timer as he just didn’t understand what I meant when I did the warnings about leaving. Eg I can see you are having fun but we have to get home to have dinner and you can play some more. You have 5 minutes and here is the timer so keep an eye on it. It got easier after that. Not all the time but having something to see helped.

are you serious? How is most of your post helpful?

OP I hate the looks and at times I wonder what else can I do. It’s good to know they move on from it! Sounds like you are doing fab!

I've actually had a considerable number of thanks, so some apparently found it helpful.

You wonder what else you could do as you "hate the looks" that you get.

Perhaps consider a different parenting approach rather than encouraging yourself and OP to continue doggedly following the same action when family suggest it is ineffective and strangers give you looks that you hate.

OP asked for tips, I shared the one I found most effective - which others have also suggested.

My eldest was a tantrumer and his younger brother has always been pretty chill. I agree it just depends on your child’s temperament and isn’t anything you are doing or not doing. The people giving you looks probably had easy going kids or have forgotten what it was really like. A wise woman once told me that it was a sign of intelligence. That may or may not be true but it cheered me up at the time to think there was a positive reason my kid was giving me a hard time. 😁

I’ve got 5 kids some of them had a lot of tantrums some had few, they all had them. Your doing the right thing, just ignore the people that don’t get it or don’t remember it’s not fun but it is temporary

I think for some people it starts with babies - “ oh he was as good as gold” which probably means he didn’t make a sound! For goodness sake, as if babies are capable of behaving a certain way just to annoy their parents & it’s the same for toddlers. My friend’s DD would still have tantrums at 7 & she has gone on to be the deputy head of a secondary school. You sound like a great Mum OP.

What’s your “sorry” for - for not reading the OP properly (she said some kids don’t do this) or for being smug and narrow minded?

do you really not think those of us with tantrummers don’t have the wit to try the countdown/warning and are going to go “oh gosh thank you for such an ingenious strategy” 🥴🥴🥴

ever noticed that it’s the parents with kids that sleep well, eat well and are chill and biddable who are convinced that it is their superior parenting that is the primary reason?

As you can read so well, you will have seen that OP specifically asked for any advice and experience that might help. She gave many examples of strategies that she uses but hasn't included this often very effective technique at preventing a tantrum from even occurring. So as requested, I gave my experience of how it helped my family.

I'm reading the majority of posts saying that she's doing everything right, however OP came here and asked for help. She tells us that family and maybe also strangers are telling her that she isn't dealing with the tantrums appropriately. They are the ones witnessing these events, not us. Are you suggesting that her family are all smug and narrow-minded, or perhaps they are trying to help like some of us?

Any tantrum that is prevented with a countdown is one less stressful experience for OP and child.

I also tried to reassure that the dirty looks from strangers are probably just her perception.

Where is your advice, considering that you read the OP and this is what she asked for?

To answer your final question, no, I've not noticed, thought, or experienced that. If this is what you think, you might want to check for a chip on your shoulder.

@Swissrollover 'helpful advice' from people with children who DON'T do something is typically not helpful. There's a reason for this. If your children are not tantrummers/bad eaters/non-sleepers/other issue, you are basically parenting on easy mode. Any advice you have is for easy, biddable children. As soon as someone identifies that they have a child who struggles with something, really struggles, you could think, 'oh they're parenting on hard mode so chances are they've tried the obvious things'. And leave the advice to the people who have dealt with hard mode children.

For example, my DD ate like a dream, would eat literally anything. But she didn't sleep. At all. Two hours at a time for two years. I was exhibiting symptoms of clinical depression but I wasn't depressed, just exhausted. My friend's child only ate beige and slept through. She would give me constant 'advice' like, "have you tried a routine?" "No Steph, I'm a gibbering idiot who in TWO YEARS has never bothered to try the first fucking thing in every parenting book. I thought I'd wing it and ruin my life without any strategy at all". I didn't give her food advice because you know what? She knew more than me about food because I'd never had to read anything, learn anything, know anything, try anything. My kid just ate.

If people ask for easy level advice as new parents, by all means try some. But just assume the things your children do well, it's probably luck and genetics, not your stellar parenting.

Wow I love this! This is spot on.

All mine were different and went through things at different ages. I was lucky they didn’t tend to tantrum in public, it was usually at home, and even then they weren’t big like others kids.

Ignore anyone who passes comment or you can do me and say fuck off mind your own business, yes to family too. I remember a relative passing comment on my middle dc and I laughed so hard because she wasn’t even having a tantrum just being stubborn, I said something along the lines of thank fuck you do t have kids, you have absolutely no idea, I was in hysterics as even at their wose I knew I was extremely lucky my DCs didn’t have full blown tantrums like many other children. No more comment were made by them.

people love to judge!

It nobody’s business how you handle your child’s tantrum as long as you’re not beating him, you do what you need to.