My two year old is going through the tantrum stage, so many people seem to think he's naught and I can't parent

[lovelyhill]

I have an older DD, she's 4. So I've ' seen it all before '.

It's a pain. Any time he does not get his way, he has a tantrum. Any time we stop having fun at an activity and need to go home, tantrum.

We all know this behaviour. But I'm a bit shocked how many people think he's naughty and badly behaved, rather than just a two year old, doing two year old things.

I'm doing the usual, keeping calm, remove him/ try to distract him/ just let him get it out of his system/ validate his feelings of anger of sadness and cuddles when appropriate.

A lot of the time I just let him get on with it, if he's in a safe spot.

People in public really stare and give dirty looks. Family members say his behaviour is unacceptable and I should be firmer.

I am firm, if it's a no, it's no and if we have to go, we go. I don't give into him. That's why he has tantrums in the first place.

Shouting at him, doesn't help. So I don't do that. Losing it myself, doesn't help.

I've been here before, my older DD was the same and it gradually just got better. I don't think it's anything I did. She still whines when we leave somewhere she was having fun, but not a full blown tantrum and I can explain to her that whilst it's normal to be sad- it's not OK for her to be in a huff and whine all the way home either.

A two year old doesn't get it yet.

Anyway, it is frustrating but both my kids have gone through this. Some kids don't. I don't think it's because their parents did anything better, it's just a different child.

Any advice / experiences in general that may help ?

DID YOU ask Steph for advice, because OP did ask us? Completely different and irrelevant scenario.

Sometimes people can't see the wood for the trees, so it can be helpful to establish a baseline. OP hasn't said she'd already tried the method that I said worked for my children. I made no assumptions that she hadn't tried it, just offered what OP ASKED FOR - "Any advice / experiences in general that may help ?"

I didn't say my children never had a tantrum, just that the methods I had learnt generally worked, so there was never "the tantrum stage" referred to in the title, nor complaints from people around me.

We'll never know if it was the methods used or the children, as there were initial tantrums that were quickly a thing of the past. I've certainly never claimed to be a stellar parent.

Why so much vitriol? OP SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR ADVICE AND EXPERIENCES, but rather than offer any, you've INSTEAD CHOSEN TO ATTACK my initial post TWICE, more than 2 and 4 days after I made it? I was the third person to post and whilst you found it unhelpful, others agreed with me or found it helpful as shown by many thanking my post.

(I've tried to copy your style of writing, as it might be easier for you to understand.)

I'm out now. Wishing OP luck, I hope she found the advice and support that she needed. Hopefully this phase will be over soon.

Sounds to me like you are doing everything right so ignore the judgey idiots who have either never had a tantrumming child or have forgotten what it is like.

My DD is 28 now but I can still remember sone of her more epic moments when she was a toddler. For that reason I would never judge a parent in a similar situation and feel nothing but sympathy.

DD once threw a massive screaming tantrum on an aeroplane that lasted for most of the journey. I literally could not calm her. How to feel the most hated person on the plane!

you've INSTEAD CHOSEN TO ATTACK my initial post TWICE

Because you keep defending it. Just acknowledge you were a bit patronising and maybe a tad insensitive and move on. Or just move on without acknowledging. I've done many times when I've been an arse on here. And I have been an arse on here, believe me.

I totally agree with the OP. However, my experience has generally been people being really nice about it. Lots of sympathic looks and remarks. Didn't prevent me hiding at home A LOT with my first.

I agree! These people need to jog on! Sounds like you're doing a great job & have it all calmly under control. 2yr olds have tantrums sometimes. They just do - it's in the toddler job description. We've all been there & the judgy looks/comments are not helpful. I genuinely don't believe anyone who says their kid has NEVER had a meltdown about something!!

My Dad told me this when I started driving 😅

OP, I don't remember my children having tantrums (rose coloured glasses I expect) but OMG I did and I can remember being out of control and being unable to stop myself out of sheer frustration 😳
He'll grow out of it.

I think it's normal for two year old children to have tantrums while they're still learning.

Of course people will look if he's making noise, but most understand what is going on and that it's a stage of development.

But I think that if family members are beginning to question how you are responding to it, then there is at least a possibility that your actions might be causing or prolonging these unwanted behaviours.

It sounds as if you are doing everything right but I think it's at least worth considering what they are saying.

You could try having statements to shut the comments down - a wiry smile can't wait till past terrible two - or to family blunter you do say some daft things it's a development phase - everyone's heard of it.

It's harder if it happens outside expected ages - my DC likely ND could have both rare meltdowns ie overwhelmed and also very late tantrums though been easy teens. I found people were often nice or at least quiet mainly I think as I rapidly got a don't fuck with me look out in public though on bad days at your lowest there's always someone who comments.

Different things work for different children - another shut the fuck up phrase if used with a certain tone.

My son’s 3 and he’s like this. My DD went through this too but I think it’s worse with him. No one ever says anything to me though, surely most people who have children know what its like 🤔 Its a phase, it will pass, just ignore these people

My eldest was the best newborn you could wish for, slept through early, ate anything, was a joy. As a toddler no tantrums at all. As a teen, still as easy going and good natured as you can get. Oh boy was I smug as HELL about my parenting!

Second didnt sleep until 3 (and only then when I just couldnt cope and walked out of the room one night, next night, did it again, third night.....slept like a "baby" haha, and never woke again unless ill). Demon toddler, Demon x2 as a teen.

One is now a highly respected medical professional and one was diagnosed with Cerebal Palsy caused by oxygen starvation at birth, at 11 months old. One is in a loving relationship and is moving on with life, the other lives independently but struggles with mobility, confidence and relationships.

I wonder if you can work out which is which, to smug parents I always think be careful what you get smug about, I was you once.

They are frowning and giving you dirty looks because they don't like having to listen to him.They just want you to get him to STFU, they dont care if your parenting is good or bad.

Har har On the bus there was a kiddie making a noise like a banshee
I said. Ah Screaming - how lovely
All the peeps started laughing.
Take the weight off the parents

How’s being a single parent or not relevant here, I don’t understand??
The tantrums are, to use your phrase, a universal part of the emotional development of young children, not some willy nilly thing that happens to “lone parents”, different children experience it with different level of intensity and this is normal at this stage.

Sorry, but none of my three boys went through "the tantrum stage", so it isn't a universal thing. It would seem that your family haven't experienced it either

^

Lol

Yeah op, get it together

🤣😅

I had little tolerance for my kids causing a scene in public. If they did, I would just leave and take them home. I felt embarrassed and like I had no control. For the most part, they behaved well and a warning that we would leave if they didn't stop was enough.

They learnt after, we would leave the location and it taught them that they missed out.

If they threw a tantrum at home, it's easier to easy away and ignore, as I'm not subjecting their behaviour on other people.

I find that a number of parents let their kids cause havoc and just sit back, doing absolutely nothing. Things which can be dangerous, like running around in a restaurant, a supermarket or standing on chairs.

I do look at the parents of these kids, because I'm perplexed they can't see the dangers. If I see a parent actively dealing with the situation, then I do feel sorry for them, as I know it's stressful.

Kids do mess about. That's normal. A parent ignoring them, especially when the behaviour is affecting others is what annoys me.

Sympathy OP, my almost 3YO DD has immense tantrums, when she’s in the thick of them you absolutely cannot reason with her and I don’t think she even hears me, so I just leave her to it until she’s calmed down somewhat. I don’t understand what shouting at them is supposed to achieve - firstly, I’m trying to teach her not to scream and shout to get her way so it undermines that, and secondly then we’re both just shouting to absolutely no avail.

Thankfully on the whole she’s good as gold out of the house and even leaving places, but getting in the car and at home is when she seems to let it all out!

She tends to snap out of them and forget it even happened, but it’s awful I feel your sympathy. Apparently I used to have bad tantrums too!

My DD had terrible tantrums while her older brother by 2 years never tantrummed. They are teenagers now and I've still never worked out why. Despite reading all the parenting books. Advice then was to ignore.
DD used to have most of her public tantrums in shops. Lie down and refuse to move. I don't remember so much getting given unwanted advice .. but the looks!! Sometimes I used to tell people "don't worry I won't leave her there". Wonder if the "thanks for the advice random stranger" line is any good?

Anyway, one thing that kept me going is that Id heard that tantrums are supposed to be a sign of intelligence! Which has turned out to be true!! She is also pretty much the easiest teenager ever. Not thrown a teenage strop yet that I can remember. Hope the stage passes soon OP

But did you try blackout blinds?

1000% this! You’re doing the right thing imo, when my 3 year old has a tantrum people just stare at me and I try to act as if they’re not there😅

See also, "you have to get them used to noise". Aaarrrrrgggghhhhhh.

One I had from my aunt when I was going through it with DD1 was "Well a good hard smack always taught mine that I wouldnt put up with bedtime messing about" and I thought yes, and a good hard smack taught them many things many times a day, mainly that their mother is not a nice person that they now have very little to do with.....

This is me right now!

Nice to know it's normal.

It's so draining and hardwork. Ignore the looks op

My son laid down on the floor in a shopping centre concourse and tantrummed once because I wouldn't let him ride up and down the escalators (any more).

I stood there, knowing people were looking at me, but riding it out.

An older woman came over and said to me, just so you know, we've all been there.

I loved her for that!

I ended up physically carrying my still crying son out of the shopping centre.

Now wondering if my daughter is going to be the same!

Sorry for the lack of helpful advice, just solidarity. You're doing the right thing already. Xx

I feel for you! One of mine used to do this often, one did it once and the other a handful of times. I think most people are empathic but whatever you do in life someone will judge loudly.
It is a very normal stage of child development and you do what you think is best in the moment, try and ignore any negativity and accept help if someone is kind.
My eldest is 36 now and he does not tantrum any more! Joking apart all three were brilliant teenagers so you may find you can smile a secret smile when yours are being great fun and someone else’s toddler cherub has turned into a monster teenager! Hang on in!

As OP said, some kids don’t. It’s nothing you did ‘better’. Two years old kids do not understand the concept of ‘5 minutes’. You can’t distract my nephew from a tantrum, it’s just not happening. It’s his personality. He is hot tempered and once upset laser focussed on his anger. He is being taught to regulate his emotions and will grown out of it. My daughter is much easier to distract but it’s nothing I’ve done better. If anything, my nephew is better behaved than my daughter in most other ways.