My two year old is going through the tantrum stage, so many people seem to think he's naught and I can't parent

[lovelyhill]

I have an older DD, she's 4. So I've ' seen it all before '.

It's a pain. Any time he does not get his way, he has a tantrum. Any time we stop having fun at an activity and need to go home, tantrum.

We all know this behaviour. But I'm a bit shocked how many people think he's naughty and badly behaved, rather than just a two year old, doing two year old things.

I'm doing the usual, keeping calm, remove him/ try to distract him/ just let him get it out of his system/ validate his feelings of anger of sadness and cuddles when appropriate.

A lot of the time I just let him get on with it, if he's in a safe spot.

People in public really stare and give dirty looks. Family members say his behaviour is unacceptable and I should be firmer.

I am firm, if it's a no, it's no and if we have to go, we go. I don't give into him. That's why he has tantrums in the first place.

Shouting at him, doesn't help. So I don't do that. Losing it myself, doesn't help.

I've been here before, my older DD was the same and it gradually just got better. I don't think it's anything I did. She still whines when we leave somewhere she was having fun, but not a full blown tantrum and I can explain to her that whilst it's normal to be sad- it's not OK for her to be in a huff and whine all the way home either.

A two year old doesn't get it yet.

Anyway, it is frustrating but both my kids have gone through this. Some kids don't. I don't think it's because their parents did anything better, it's just a different child.

Any advice / experiences in general that may help ?

I’ve got 3 and none of mine did either. My eldest is severely autistic and was the most placid and laid back of them all when little. Not so much now he’s an adult though 🤦‍♀️

I am definitely not a perfect parent as I’m sure my kids would confirm but I was am still am quite strict!

It’s not just me who found the tone of your original comment judgemental though, is it?

Tantrums are an important developmental stage. Some children have fewer, one reason is connected to learning early communication skills, especially when learners have learned the ability to identify and label emotions

In addition, children who have not had their basic needs met as infants can be less likely to display that kind of behaviour (children who have been neglected or abuse) . The second reason is along the same lines of why babies eventually stop crying when you leave them to cry it out- they learn that the crying doesn’t get their needs met. Kids who have tantrums and are ignored, eventually stop because they know it isn’t going to get them anywhere.

on the face of it, this looks like a great strategy, but there are some quite serious consequences of this. The less caring and reactive a caregiver is, reacting and responding to their emotions with empathy and warmth, the less likely the child growing up is likely to seek this kind of connection with other people (partners, friends etc). They’re also more likely to suffer from mental health issues, and as teenagers, are less likely to come to their parents if they need help/ reassurance etc.

My mother often comments to me: kids never behaved so badly when / you were young. I would say ‘kids never behaved so inconveniently’. Parents were told to ‘ignore’ this kind of behaviour.

Now parents know know differently, they understand how important these years are and how they can have an affect on the whole kids life. Yes, it’s harder to validate a child’s feelings, help them self regulate, and guide them through their emotions, but the benefits will far outweigh all the stares from Karens on the street.

if anyone wants some sources for all this info, I’m happy to provide. I studied this topic extensively as part of my PhD, and I love discussing the topic .

PyongyangKipperbang great username but the film was called P’Tang Yang Kipperbang

One tip I would recommend is speaking out loud as you navigate these situations. E.g. if toddler started a tantrum while waiting for food, I would speak what I was doing as I was doing it, 'I'm just peeling the banana, then we can chop it up, I need to get you a spoon, oh there it is'. A very banal and somewhat twee running commentary, a lot of which I assume would go over their heads, but it seemed to manage the situation. A distraction technique for both you and toddler. That, and doing something totally unexpected, like suddenly jumping up and down and singing a random song. It takes them by surprise, for a moment at least.

Ask them why their own mothers didn't teach them any manners 🙃