Not inviting parents partners to wedding

[Aweddingone]

Hi, would love some advice on my situation please.

Myself and DP are due to get married next year. We have just booked the venue and are due to send out save the dates/invites. We are only having our closest friends and family there, however there is still quite a number of people coming due to us both having a large number of siblings and we are inviting their partners etc.

Our parents on both sides are separated. DP’s parents separated many, many years ago due to his Father having an affair and shacking up with the other woman. He is still with her today. DP lived with his Father for a little while but then moved in with his Mother in his teenage years. Due to this and the fact his Dad lives over 3 hours away he is closer to his Mum. His Mum and Dad have an amicable relationship but his Mum despises OW and will not hear her name mentioned. When DPs sister got married a few years ago OW was invited and MIL created a huge argument on the wedding day. Personally I am not keen on my MIL so if this happened on my wedding day I don’t think this would go down well.

My parents separated 8 years ago due to my Dad also having an affair. My Mum handled this really, really badly. They have an extremely hostile relationship but I have teenage siblings so they still need contact. My Dad has a new partner of 3 years (not OW) who he does not live with and states he will not until my siblings grow up. My Mum has not been in a relationship since. Even though my Dad’s partner is not OW my Mum resents her due to him being happy as she feels he doesn’t deserve it.

DP and I have been discussing it and there is no way we can make every one happy. Is it totally unreasonable if we just invite all of our birth parents and say that partners aren’t invited? If we let our Dad’s bring their partners our Mum’s would be extremely unhappy with this (and potentially cause disruption) so is it better to just piss everyone off and say they can’t have a plus one and explain it as if none of our parents are? I know it makes things complicated due to DPs Dad being with his partner for many years and she is now widely accepted by his family and siblings, but we’re struggling with a way around this. I also know I would be upset if DP was invited to a family wedding and I wasn’t. I’m hoping if we do this our Dad’s, particularly DPs, don’t take it personally.

Invite everyone, tell them all that's what you're doing and you don't want to hear any grumbling. They come and enjoy themselves or they stay at home and sulk. Seems VERY unfair for your Dad's partner to be banned, in particular, because your Mum resents his happiness. Very childish of her.

Your mums have done a lot for you in life, I would put them first.

Crikey, what a nightmare. If you don’t nip this in the bud now it’s going to run into other celebrations and you’ll end up being walked all over. Invite them all and tell the people who you think are going to kick off that you will not tolerate such behaviour and they will be uninvited. I don’t envy you at all

Sorry I should have also added our relationship with our Father’s partners. Personally I could care less for my Dad’s partner. She seems nice and I’m glad he’s happy but my relationship with him was strained for a very long time as I was a young adult when he had the affair and I was privy to a lot of awful things. I don’t think I’ll ever have a close relationship with anyone he dates. But I do appreciate the fact he has been with her for 3 years and I don’t want him to feel massively snubbed.

My DP hasn’t seen his Dad’s partner in years, but he rarely sees his Dad if I’m being honest. Says he doesn’t really feel either way about her but I know he was quite close to her and her children growing up.

Not that I think this particularly matters, it’s more about how our parents would feel.

I went with my parents only, not their partners. Like you, my Dad left when I was very young and my mother was devastated. She would have accepted his parter there on the day if it was what I had wanted but honestly I wanted my mother to be comfortable, relaxed and able to enjoy her daughter getting married. Although I am v close to my father still, frankly his views mattered a lot less to me - if you leave your wife/partner badly then there are times when there are consequences to that.

Well yeah it’s a shitty situation, bits it’s YOUR. DAY. You invite whoever YOU want and everyone should suck it up.

i wouldn’t want to go to my kids wedding without my husband though. So keep that in mind if you do exclude partners. You’re really dealing them rubbish choices. The past is inn the past and people should be able to move on.

I'd elope.
It all sounds too complicated.

I agree with inviting everyone. Don't create more trouble by excluding your fathers' partners while including your siblings' partners. Tell your mothers you think the world of them and find a way to make them a special part of the ceremony or day where you pay special tribute to them, raise them up above your fathers a bit. Ask them to keep a lid on the resentment for your sake, but also have a Plan B for trouble, eg a sibling whisks them away to calm down and remind them it's your day. It's better to try to keep a good relationship with all family members yourself rather than alienating anybody.

Invite them all. They are all grown adults. Tell them so. If they so much as mutter a bad word towards the other party they will be asked to leave.

I'm getting married in 3 months 'y divorced parents are on the same table, with their new partners. They will be fine as they are grown adults

It's really pathetic when people cant put their issues aside for one day for the sake of their children. I can only say what I would do and that is to be up front with the 2 mothers and tell them that you are inviting everyone and ask them to just be civil for one day.

Not that I think this particularly matters, it’s more about how our parents would feel.

It's your (both of you) wedding. Not your parents. Do what you want without pressure from them. But do bear in mind that both Dads may vote with their feet if you exclude their partners. I know my DH would, and I don't know how you and your Dad or DH and his could come back from that...

Ouch OP- I don't envy you. Ideally, everyone should be invited and the parents should suck it up, smile and gird themselves through the day.
Are there any relatives that could intervene on your behalf- I'm thinking sensible siblings, aunts, uncles or grandparents, etc, that could keep any potential loose canons in line?

Being honest, do you think they can all behave?

Invite everyone and they all have to behave like the adults they are for one day.

Sit them at separate tables during the meal and warn them beforehand any arguments or uncivil behaviour will not be tolerated.

It would be very rude to invite a family member to a wedding and not their spouse. Invite all, be clear you are inviting all and that you want everyone to be respectful. Separate those likely to kick off with some buffer guests. My DH was worried his maternal grandmother would take pot shots at his stepmum, I was adamant that no one would behave like that at my wedding and I think someone in his family convinced her to behave. I suspect she might have been intimidated by me. I also protected his SM with some of the loveliest guests seated near her.

Invite parents only. Your dads have made their bed and their partners have zero entitlement to be there. Don't create tension on the day unnecessarily.

I'm feeling fuck it today. Invite who you want. The stepparents who can behave and leave out the parents and stepparents who can't.

Or invite everyone and make it clear it is their choice obviously whether they come or not but you won't be uninviting anyone who you want there and who wants to come and if there is any nonsense they will be made to leave immediately. Have someone lined up for this.

They are all grown adults, supposedly love you so they can keep their shit in order for your wedding day.

Wait so your DP lived with his dad and his dad’s current partner for some years, before leaving to move back in with his mum? Sorry but then that woman did take on a step mother role and helped raise him, so should be invited.

and To check, your dad’s current partner wasn’t the OW but your mum hates her anyway because she’s someone who’s made her exH happy? Yep that’s fucking nuts. You can’t pander to that. Check with your dad if he wants his girlfriend to accompany him, he might not.

I would invite both and be clear to both mums they have to be grown ups for one day.

so many young adults have to deal with their divorced parents being ridiculous over their wedding days. It’s really shit.

They have all acted badly to put you in this situation. Kind parents would have said by now ‘invite whoever you like and we will fit in with you’ - they should be able to handle anything for one day and should be making this easy and fun for you

This. What's going to happen if you have a child? Every birthday or event you will have this issue.

Being honest, do you think they can all behave?

If I’m being honest- no. My Mother more so. I know if she had it her way my Dad would not be invited at all. We had a huge argument before my graduation because I invited him and she didn’t think he deserved it.

DP’s Dad’s partner has been to a few of his siblings weddings and MIL has apparently always made sly comments and a bit of a fuss but she has tolerated her. We are worried it might be a worst with DP though as he is the baby of the family. He is much younger than his other siblings and he is the only one she really raised alone so she seems to think she has much more say in his life than she does the others. Hence why my relationship with her is quite strained. I’m not sure I can handle an outburst from her at our wedding to be honest!

Ideally we would like to not invite partners even if this makes our Dad’s unhappy but I’m worried they might turn around and say they won’t come, like some people have said they wouldn’t on this thread. Even though I am of the opinion that if you rip your family apart by having an affair then you should deal with the consequences of your actions.

Crikey what a nightmare. I'd invite everyone, but be perfectly clear to both mums that they need to behave like adults for the day, or you'd be calling them the closest Uber.

Which ever way you handle this, you're going to piss someone off big time. Don't try and fool yourselves on this.

I'd invite them all and read them the riot act - behave with grace or don't come, your choice.

My friend's parents had an acrymonious divorce, when she got married, she invited her DF and his partner, but, her DM sat on the top table, and DF and partner on a different table well away from her DM.

No he never lived with her. His Dad still doesn’t live with her even though they’ve been together for 20+ years. But when he was younger his Dad would take him on days out with her and her kids etc.

So actually @Aweddingone if your Mum is going to kick off if even your Dad's there, adding his (blameless) partner into the mix isn't going to make it any worse! and DP's Mum sounds manageable, am sure his siblings will help, particularly if they've experienced it.