Not inviting parents partners to wedding

[Aweddingone]

Hi, would love some advice on my situation please.

Myself and DP are due to get married next year. We have just booked the venue and are due to send out save the dates/invites. We are only having our closest friends and family there, however there is still quite a number of people coming due to us both having a large number of siblings and we are inviting their partners etc.

Our parents on both sides are separated. DP’s parents separated many, many years ago due to his Father having an affair and shacking up with the other woman. He is still with her today. DP lived with his Father for a little while but then moved in with his Mother in his teenage years. Due to this and the fact his Dad lives over 3 hours away he is closer to his Mum. His Mum and Dad have an amicable relationship but his Mum despises OW and will not hear her name mentioned. When DPs sister got married a few years ago OW was invited and MIL created a huge argument on the wedding day. Personally I am not keen on my MIL so if this happened on my wedding day I don’t think this would go down well.

My parents separated 8 years ago due to my Dad also having an affair. My Mum handled this really, really badly. They have an extremely hostile relationship but I have teenage siblings so they still need contact. My Dad has a new partner of 3 years (not OW) who he does not live with and states he will not until my siblings grow up. My Mum has not been in a relationship since. Even though my Dad’s partner is not OW my Mum resents her due to him being happy as she feels he doesn’t deserve it.

DP and I have been discussing it and there is no way we can make every one happy. Is it totally unreasonable if we just invite all of our birth parents and say that partners aren’t invited? If we let our Dad’s bring their partners our Mum’s would be extremely unhappy with this (and potentially cause disruption) so is it better to just piss everyone off and say they can’t have a plus one and explain it as if none of our parents are? I know it makes things complicated due to DPs Dad being with his partner for many years and she is now widely accepted by his family and siblings, but we’re struggling with a way around this. I also know I would be upset if DP was invited to a family wedding and I wasn’t. I’m hoping if we do this our Dad’s, particularly DPs, don’t take it personally.

All of them, or none of them. Personally, I'd just be inviting a few good friends and ignoring everyone else. But if you want family members there, then partners must be included. Just tell them all to grow up and behave.

Regardless of what we do about partners we won’t be be having a top table either to avoid any drama. Myself and DP will be sat at a table and then we will scatter our parents among our siblings somehow.

After your updates I would say you and your partner should go immediately to somewhere sunny and get married on your own. The. Invite your friends to dinner / party when you’re back.

your family sounds horrific tbh. I could not be arsed with all that after years and years. Pathetic.

Personally I think the mums here are both being ridiculous at this point. If it was me, I would tell them that they can either act like grown ups or not come.

I realise having an affair isn't great behaviour but I also think marriages are complicated and I don't take sides, except in cases of abuse.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally I disagree, an elopement on your own is pretty sad in my view, there is no way I'd be happy with that and why should OP forego a wedding she wants just so she doesn't offend a few cheating bastard fathers?

Leave out the partners. The dads have brought this onto themselves when they had their affairs. And they should be able to leave their egos aside and understand that for one day. If not, they don't deserve to be there.

OP, I've read your updates but I still think invite everybody. Re your graduation, it wasn't about what your father deserved but what was important to you. It's not fair for your mother to use important events in your life as a way to punish him for leaving her. She really needs to make the effort for you at your wedding. Do you have an aunt or grandmother who could talk to her about this?

an elopement on your own is pretty sad in my view, there is no way I'd be happy with that and why should OP forego a wedding she wants just so she doesn't offend

op isn’t going to be getting the wedding they want, regardless of how they do it. At least eloping avoids a shit show.

My Grandparents equally hate my Dad so no help there. I can’t even mention him in convo to them. DP has no grandparents for those asking.

I think scattering them around is a really good idea, I think you need your sibs help with this too OP. Getting other family members to rally round to try to rein in the mum’s behaviour is a must if they are willing.

I have good reason to hate my ex-husband, way worse than an affair.

I can be pleasant at family events because my children are more important than him.

Invite them all, make clear your expectations with everyone.

If you don't do this now when does it stop?

Ultimately you need to make a decision between:

A) Whether you'd like to prioritise your DMs' comfort and risk your DFs not attending. It sounds like they were bad fathers, so I wouldn't hold my breath.

B) Guarantee your DFs' attendance

Personally, I wouldn't care about my DF attending if I were you or your DP. They made their choices. I think you'll be a lot more relaxed with just your DMs there...

The mums need to get over it. It’s really pathetic. They should be able to be in the same room and behave like adults regardless of the past . The OP deserves more than this. So , she should focus on herself and her partner.

I hate this getting trotted out . My husband of 25 years left me for the OW, I gave "moved on". Does not mean I would be comfortable seeing them together at a wedding it would bring back all the lies, the pain, the trauma and therapy it took me to feel even remotely feeling like "moving on".

In my opinion the people who can't behave should be the ones to stay away.

If it came down to your Mum or your Dad who would you rather have?

Crikey OP, even if the partners aren't invited, are you positive there won't be drama about something else or between other people? In my experience, most unreasonable drama llamas don't contain this behaviour to one circumstance.

I think these parents are all incredibly unreasonable, not that that is particularly helpful for you.

I think you and your fiance need to be very pragmatic about how you think your major players will behave- I suspect someone will get upset whatever you decide unfortunately. I would surround myself with sensible friends and family and not entertain any meltdowns/hysteria/whining/moaning/histrionics. Made sensible decisions in advance with your fiance and stick to them. Repeat the same phrases- 'no mum, everyone is invited and I won't discuss it further' and put the phone down/change the discussion/ignore the message if anyone starts complaining.

Maybe consider eloping (only half joking here). I wish you the best of luck dealing with this- I am sure it is very hurtful that your parents can't put your feelings first for even a couple of hours.

Either invite them all and make a special moment for your Mums. I don’t see either of your Mums caring one iota about your Dads after that. Or don’t invite Partners simples 🤷🏼‍♀️ Personally I would go to great lengths to tell my Mum how special she is……only to show my Dad where his place is & seat the Fathers at the back!

So over 20 years ago, your DP's father fell in love with someone and left his wife for her? He's been with OW ever since? I'm not defending his behaviour, but that happens in life. And typically DP's mother entirely blames the OW but has forgiven the person who actually bore responsibility to her and to their relationship? Yeah, I wouldn't be pandering to that, I'm afraid. She can put up with it for one day and I'd be explaining that if she kicks off and causes arguments she will be asked to leave – but you'd need your DP on board with this approach.

Your own situation is different @Aweddingone because the split is much more recent and I can understand your mother still being upset. But again her hostility should be aimed at her ex, not a woman who had absolutely nothing to do with the breakdown of their marriage.

Amazing how often women blame other women rather than the men they should be blaming…

I dunno. If you invite everyone (and tell people that everyone has been invited), will you then be able to relax and arrange your day as you want it? Or will you still be on edge until it is all over? If it is the second then elope.

I know that people have said to have the wedding you want but spending loads to have all these people still be unhappy is really annoying. Tell people beforehand that you are going to elope because there is no way to have a wedding without upsetting someone.

When people think of weddings, they don’t think of complicated blended families where there’s a good chance people won’t behave.

This kind of utter nonsense is why people elope. It's what I'd do, I couldn't be doing with the headache of trying to stage manage a bunch of adults acting like a bunch of toddlers.

Can you invite them all and get an absolute bulldog of an event manager to deal with everything? Or some private security? If anything kicks off they can just whisk them away like the Men in Black and you need never know about it or have it spoil your day. I'm only partially joking.

My first marriage we basically said everyone is invited, sort it out amongst yourself before the day, if you think that you can’t behave don’t bother coming. Sadly that meant my grandparents not coming as they hated my dads wife and couldn’t get over it for the day for me.

Second wedding we said a giant fuck you and eloped. 100% recommend this.

I think you should invite the partners - and it is up to the ex wives to behave like grown ups and not ruin your day. They can hold their fire for your day. I would expect that of them.

I think it's important to see that by inviting the dads' respective partners they then have someone to talk to - it sounds like neither are close to you or your fiancé so invite them and let them off.

A wedding without people is amazing.

I had the same situation and invited the job lot, my DM’s new partner ended up storming off after he accused my DM of flirty with my FIL. I spent my honeymoon worrying about my DM, honestly I felt like the most grown up person out of the lot of them.

@YorkNew I'm sorry you had to deal with that- what a knob the partner was.