Not inviting parents partners to wedding

[Aweddingone]

Hi, would love some advice on my situation please.

Myself and DP are due to get married next year. We have just booked the venue and are due to send out save the dates/invites. We are only having our closest friends and family there, however there is still quite a number of people coming due to us both having a large number of siblings and we are inviting their partners etc.

Our parents on both sides are separated. DP’s parents separated many, many years ago due to his Father having an affair and shacking up with the other woman. He is still with her today. DP lived with his Father for a little while but then moved in with his Mother in his teenage years. Due to this and the fact his Dad lives over 3 hours away he is closer to his Mum. His Mum and Dad have an amicable relationship but his Mum despises OW and will not hear her name mentioned. When DPs sister got married a few years ago OW was invited and MIL created a huge argument on the wedding day. Personally I am not keen on my MIL so if this happened on my wedding day I don’t think this would go down well.

My parents separated 8 years ago due to my Dad also having an affair. My Mum handled this really, really badly. They have an extremely hostile relationship but I have teenage siblings so they still need contact. My Dad has a new partner of 3 years (not OW) who he does not live with and states he will not until my siblings grow up. My Mum has not been in a relationship since. Even though my Dad’s partner is not OW my Mum resents her due to him being happy as she feels he doesn’t deserve it.

DP and I have been discussing it and there is no way we can make every one happy. Is it totally unreasonable if we just invite all of our birth parents and say that partners aren’t invited? If we let our Dad’s bring their partners our Mum’s would be extremely unhappy with this (and potentially cause disruption) so is it better to just piss everyone off and say they can’t have a plus one and explain it as if none of our parents are? I know it makes things complicated due to DPs Dad being with his partner for many years and she is now widely accepted by his family and siblings, but we’re struggling with a way around this. I also know I would be upset if DP was invited to a family wedding and I wasn’t. I’m hoping if we do this our Dad’s, particularly DPs, don’t take it personally.

As others have said OP it’s your and your future DH’s day. You both invite who you want. Everyone else deals with it and shuts up or they don’t attend.

I don’t care how much my mother did for me growing up. I wouldn’t forgive her making a scene on my wedding day (unless it was something to do with me of course!). They are adults and should behave as such. As parents they should all want you to have the best day possible and put everything aside for the sake for a few bloody hours!

My sister didn't invite our f's partner to her wedding and it went down really badly but she did it for our mum.

Then when I got married I invited f's partner and she complained grumpily about being away from her garden. She was on this one occasion a right pain in the arse.

I know a couple who are never going to marry because she doesn't ever want to be in the same room as both her parents again.

Weddings seem to phenomenal trigger status anxiety in guests; it's such a minefield.

Elopement sounds preferable then a parental toddler show

I would invite everyone and if who comes , comes. Don’t get embroiled in family drama and politics - it’s a time for everyone to put You and your dh first and enjoy the day regardless of old hurt .

elope

You both invite people you both want at the wedding and you tell them all to grow up and behave, because they're fucking adults and it's not about them.

I would put good money on the fact that if either Mum got a new partner in the next year or so, after a short period they would expect their new man to be treated as part of the family and get an arse on if you dared suggest they didn’t accompany mum to a family event/meet up.

Give all 4 parents a “plus one” invite.

I agree with PP, if your MIL or Mum want to make drama, they will if the new partners of their ex’s are there or not. They’ll find another day to make your wedding all about them and their failed marriage.

If I was getting married, I’d think you were my mum!

The hardest parts for my mum ended up being (1) dad trotting gown the aisle, (2) FOTB speech and (3) seeing dad with all the family friends who’d abandoned her after the divorce. She didn’t mind the first dance as she was well and truly trolleyed by then - it was all a bit much.

Could you perhaps do the speech?

I'd seriously consider eloping and then having 2 separate parties when you get home, one for the mums and one for the dads! Ideally they would all put you first for the day and behave themselves but by the sounds of it the chances of this are miniscule. My concern would be are you going to be stressed/worried on the day regardless who attends given they've proven they can't adult and put their children first

This is a really important day for your Mums. Your Dad’s partners probably don’t consider you family or even like you that much judging by threads on here. Put your mums first.

i wouldn’t want to go to my kids wedding without my husband though.

You couldn’t put your child first for one day? How selfish.

As awful as your Dad's treated your Mum's, their animosity should stay between the two of them, and not drag you and your DP in.

Your Mum is being particularly ridiculous, in that she is bitter that your Dad is happy; not that he is with OW as he isn't, her focussing on that only makes one person miserable, and it's certainly not your Dad.

Invite everyone to your wedding and tell your Mum's to behave like adults, otherwise where does it end (births, christenings, deaths etc). They don't have to speak to their Ex's, but they certainly shouldn't make a scene, start arguments or be rude, and you should brief them quite firmly on that before the wedding.

Personally I would send all your parents an email.
Tell them all parents are receiving this same email.
Make it clear that it is your wish that your parents to attend your wedding, however, you will not accept poor behaviour.

You realise that tensions have always been fraught in the past, however, it is your wish that they put these aside for 24 hours and act like adults. If they cannot do this, then they cannot attend the wedding.

They need to agree in writing that they will behave. If they don't behave on the day they will be made to leave.

It's fucking ridiculous that adults behave like this years after a break up. They need therapy, imagine carrying that much hatred /bitterness for that long.

She is planning on going down the non traditional route so hopefully I will do a speech.. walking her down the aisle is the only thing I have asked her to let me do, I don’t mind if we both walk her down, one on either side and she is still deciding if it’s going to be just me or both of us.. her relationship with her father is v weak now due to his behaviour but he is still her Dad so I will behave myself and let him be the one to make a twat of himself with his constant nasty comments.. I actually find some power now on holding back from reacting and grey rocking him ( worked like a charm on graduation day so I can do it 😁) Getting pissed however would be a disaster so that will have to be avoided- I’m a gobby drunk!

Personally, I wouldn't exclude a parent's partner. But if that's what you want to do then go ahead but be prepared that both your dads might decide not to come if their partner is not invited.

Apparently the French way of going down the aisle is for the bride and groom to do it together. I think this is lovely too when the father daughter relationship isn’t good. But I’m glad she wants you walking with her.

There are lots of non-traditional ways for you to be involved - have fun planning!

I think you and your DP (assuming you are paying for your wedding) should invite who you want. You shouldn't be bullied by people's (your mothers) misbehaviour. If you do invite the new partners your mothers need to be reminded that you want them to celebrate with you but they need to be adults and not punish you for what has happened in the past.

I'd invite everyone.

I think you need to invite everyone and tell your mothers to grow the hell up, and anybody caught starting any kind of animosity on the day will be kicked out before it escalates. I would also ask siblings on the day to monitor alcohol around them if I could- no wine bottles on the table, etc.

Thanks for all the opinions.

DP and I had a good chat last night and decided to not invite partners. If our Dads decide not to come due to this then it is what it is at the end of the day. There is no way we can guarantee a day without drama if they come and we don’t want that looming over us. Despite how we feel about our Mother’s behaviours towards our Dad’s we are both much closer to our Mum’s and they have done a lot more for us than our Dads have.

Neither of us are particularly close to our Father’s, we wouldn’t invite them to birthday parties etc but our wedding is obviously different. DP hasn’t seen his dad in over two years and speaks to him very rarely over text. His siblings however are quite close to his Dad. I see my Dad probably 4 times a year and don’t really speak to him other than that. We both see our Mum’s every few weeks.