Not inviting parents partners to wedding

[Aweddingone]

Hi, would love some advice on my situation please.

Myself and DP are due to get married next year. We have just booked the venue and are due to send out save the dates/invites. We are only having our closest friends and family there, however there is still quite a number of people coming due to us both having a large number of siblings and we are inviting their partners etc.

Our parents on both sides are separated. DP’s parents separated many, many years ago due to his Father having an affair and shacking up with the other woman. He is still with her today. DP lived with his Father for a little while but then moved in with his Mother in his teenage years. Due to this and the fact his Dad lives over 3 hours away he is closer to his Mum. His Mum and Dad have an amicable relationship but his Mum despises OW and will not hear her name mentioned. When DPs sister got married a few years ago OW was invited and MIL created a huge argument on the wedding day. Personally I am not keen on my MIL so if this happened on my wedding day I don’t think this would go down well.

My parents separated 8 years ago due to my Dad also having an affair. My Mum handled this really, really badly. They have an extremely hostile relationship but I have teenage siblings so they still need contact. My Dad has a new partner of 3 years (not OW) who he does not live with and states he will not until my siblings grow up. My Mum has not been in a relationship since. Even though my Dad’s partner is not OW my Mum resents her due to him being happy as she feels he doesn’t deserve it.

DP and I have been discussing it and there is no way we can make every one happy. Is it totally unreasonable if we just invite all of our birth parents and say that partners aren’t invited? If we let our Dad’s bring their partners our Mum’s would be extremely unhappy with this (and potentially cause disruption) so is it better to just piss everyone off and say they can’t have a plus one and explain it as if none of our parents are? I know it makes things complicated due to DPs Dad being with his partner for many years and she is now widely accepted by his family and siblings, but we’re struggling with a way around this. I also know I would be upset if DP was invited to a family wedding and I wasn’t. I’m hoping if we do this our Dad’s, particularly DPs, don’t take it personally.

This whole set up sounds completely toxic, including you using your wedding to punish your dad for something he did years ago. You all need to grow up!

Just inviting your parents isn't going to be the straightforward option here as both dads are going to potentially be upset and feel you've favoured your mums. You're already getting into argument. I agree with the first comment, invite everyone and tell them you don't want to hear a word of it, these are grown adults who need to be civil.

Don't invite the partners. This sounds a sensible solution, and after all both dads are ultimately responsible for the situation.

Why not have yourselves/ best man & bridesmaid at the wedding then party either evening or different date for everyone with a buffet so no table problems and invite all to that hopefully with enough people to avoid clashes leaving out partners just stirs up trouble and rewards bad behaviour. There will be children’s birthdays etc and same problem over again through the years if you don’t stop it now and stand your ground. Affairs don’t happen in a good marriage and there are always two sides. You deserve to enjoy your day.

Invite everyone and whoever wants to be there will. They can put aside their differences for YOUR day and if they don’t then that’s on them. You shouldn’t have to worry about it but you will be more hurt if you don’t invite plus ones then one of your parents end up not going because of it. It’s one day and everyone should be there to celebrate you.

in my mums family (her parents split because of OW and my grandad is still with her near 30 years on) he wasn’t at any of his children’s (to my granny) wedding because my granny would’ve make a scene and actually mightn’t have gone to the wedding if he was there and especially if his new wife was there and it’s caused such resentment now with my aunts and uncles towards my granny especially since he walked his daughter with OW down the aisle last year.

please rememeber at the end of it it all it’s your day. Good luck x

I'd invite partners with a warning for everyone to behave or they'll get kicked out, but end of the day it's your wedding so do what's going to make you happiest.

Worst case scenario if you don't invite partners is one or more of your parents won't attend, worst case scenario if you invite everyone is someone kicking off and the associated drama. Only you can judge which would be worse and how likely each scenario is to happen.

In your DPs case especially considering the time involved would it have any wider family impacts if he doesn't invite his dad's partner? If everyone else likes and accepts her you may find siblings etc caring. Might have no impact on what you do but one to consider while making your decision.

I’m going to be one of the Mums in this case soon..
those who are saying ‘it pathetic’ etc maybe don’t get how hard it is.. for instance my dd father behaved appallingly, he committed fraud and was generally v v nasty to me after our split.. he literally trailed me through court for ten years, lost the family home leaving the kids and I homeless and didn’t pay child support until he was taken to court by CMS after years of him lying about his wages.
I raised our kids and encouraged them to have a relationship with him, hiding from them the worst of his behaviour..
Once they became adults they realised for themselves just how badly he had treated us all. He isn’t allowed any contact with me ( court ordered)
I often tell my daughter that I can and will behave on her wedding day and she should invite him if she wants ( and his partner who hates me) However I know this will mean my dd wedding day will involve me trying to stay away from him, his constant digs and dear knows what he will say if he gives a speech… I also believe that I should be the one to give her away as I’m the one who raised her..
But it’s her day, I will suck it up and I will smile my way through it… my wonderful DD however knows it will be hell for me and doesn’t want that.. so she is going to plan something a bit different than a ‘traditional wedding’ as her way of making it easier ( I love her for that!)
Its your wedding day… you chose what you want and who you want there

I'll be honest, I can't even imagine why you're putting yourself through all this. The lead up to the wedding and the day itself are going to be nothing but a stressful pressure cooker. You KNOW your parents aren't going to behave themselves, and they will absolutely ruin the day. Not inviting them only creates another whole shit storm of problems.

Go somewhere and elope with a small handful of very close friends and actually enjoy your wedding day.

I would say to your parents everything (well, not quite everything) you have said here and invite them to offer solutions.

Fully agree.

I never understand these comments on wedding threads. 'They are all grown ups they should be able to behave for a few hours, so invite them all'. (and worry internally that something will kick off)

But why isn't it, 'they are all grown ups, they should be able to handle a few hours without the new partner and just enjoy that they are there to celebrate their child's wedding'.

Why do people 'have' to invite someone's partner to their wedding if they don't want to, why are people not grown up enough to handle that?

The partners do not sound at all close to either bride or groom, why have them there. It's only causing the bride and groom added stress.

I'd not invite your fathers, they both sound deplorable, that or elope.

Not sure why everyone thinks it's such a big deal not to invite partners. They are not entitled to be there.

The dads are not being excluded and they should be able to suck up whatever decision is made, including not having partners around. It's a natural consequence of the life they have created, not a punishment.

Honestly? For the sake of your nerves on the day I would just invite parents.

All sounds very petty. I would invite them. It’s nice to be nice. But it’s your wedding and you get to invite who you want. I suppose you’ll have well and truly drawn your line in the sand though and made it clear the stepmums are not welcome and all future family occasions will be awkward.

I’m thankful my parents and stepparents have always managed to be adult in these situations.

Honestly, I wouldn't put yourself through this.

Even excluding partners isn't going to stop the parents being dicks, in fact partners could be recruited to keep them all apart.

I totally get you want a wedding but from bitter experience with my in laws I wouldn't do it.

You could say to all the parents that you want them there but if there's even a sniff of drama you will never speak to them again.

Or, get each set of parents and partners in a room now and talk about it. If they can't behave you won't have a wedding at all.

The trouble with just inviting parents is who knows if that even solves the problem or will the mums still be unhappy and cause problems?

Well the mums are responsible for their own actions and choosing to make life difficult for their children instead of acting like grown ups.

I'm really sorry your mum can't put you first OP. You shouldn't be in this situation.

The parents should all act like grown-ups and suck it up for a day! If they can't do that then they can't come.

I have never bothered wit my father's affair partner or his subsequent women. They were never invited to family weddings because we knew it would upset our mother.

I think you should invite them all - and then politely ask everyone to behave well on your wedding day; for you and your partner’s sake. Give them a chance to prove they can do this or the situation will never improve.

I feel for you as no easy answer.
Ideally you would invite parents long term partners, however sounds like you don't actually have a relationship with them although sounds like your DH was close to step mum in the past.
I guess it's the lesser of 2 evils - who do YOU want to invite? Is keeping your mums happy and comfortable more important than upsetting your dad's? Is it likely anyone will refuse to attend if guest list doesn't go their way?
Tbh you can't really win.
We had similar situation DHs parents had split up 20 years previously - his dad had been married twice since split up. So latest wife had nothing to do with break up.
However his mum said she would refuse to go if " that woman" was there - huge stress and fall out. In the end she did come but spent most of the reception sitting in her car. It was sad but tbh I was cross she couldn't put it to one side for the day. Particularly as new
wife wasn't the other woman and they'd been divorced for 20 years.
However her sulking didn't really impact on our enjoyment of the day, we were too busy and tbh only really noticed when we had speeches and did traditional bouquets for mum's and she was in the car.
I think people need to move on and put their DC first the only time I would think twice is if it was a recent break up especially if the new partner was the one or was involved in the break up.
If you can invite mums best friends etc so they have good support network at wedding and be mindful of seating plans - we avoided a top table to try and smooth it over as much as you can.

I have been through the same experience, (only married 22 years) so I promise I speak with empathy.

But aren’t you glad to be free of his lying cheating arse? I am so grateful to OW for dragging the trash out. And men like that are trash! The peace of mind, the living my own life, it’s great.
Recently I showed someone recent photos of me compared to the last few years of the marriage- they are day and night.

I do still fear his temper, but at a wedding or graduation in front of others he would not make a show of himself, especially now that’s he’s learned I just laugh at him.

Would you have him back? Course Not! So holding onto any feelings is just holding yourself back.

But why would the subsequent women upset her, especially when your Dad, the one who actually did the dirty on her, was there to see she was still hung up on him?

I’d invite them all, tell them all to behave and if they can’t do that then don’t come to the wedding!

This. And woe betide anyone who moans. They aren't teenagers and need to act their age!