To think DH just needs to get on with it?

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DH has mental health struggles, this has been ongoing for about 5 years. For 3 of those he more or less checked out if family life and I was left doing everything for then baby & toddler DC. 2 years ago, he finally accepted it was a problem and went to the gp, he now had medication & reduced his work to part time, but I still carry at least 75% of the load with housework and child care as he "can't cope" with the children and "needs down time". I'm trying to be understanding as healthy issues are no one's falt, but he is pretty difficult to live with a lot of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I had surgery on my ankle and currently can't put weight on it for another month. I can get around the house on crutches, but getting anything done is difficult and quite painful if I do to much. It's currently half-term and he's spent all day in bed, leaving me to deal with the kids. Yesterday he also left me to deal with them, but I had help from their grandparents, so wasn't as bad.

AIBU to think that even with MH struggles, he could push through for 6 weeks until I can walk again, or at least one week until the kids are back at school?

(If relevant, DC are 7&5 but have additional needs so work load of looking after them is more like with toddlers)

As someone who struggles with my mental health i think his taking the piss. One of the things that forces me to get on with life is my kids. I could never stay in bed. He needs to seek more helo or move out and let you get on with your life.

I take it you mean he has depression?
He needs more than just meds.
He needs to get to the root of the issue and own the cause of his issues and sort it out. He can't just check out of life and realistically expect everyone around him to just suck it up. He's a dad not a baby.
No I wouldn't put up with that sorry.

Are you actually getting anything positive out of this relationship? Do you get any practical or emotional support from him, or is it take take take and no give?

I think, after you have recovered from this thankfully temporary injury, you make a decision as to whether he should focus on his ongoing recovery away from the family home -as current set up isn't sustainable.

He has shown you what the future looks like, it's up to you to decide if this is an acceptable way for you.

Are you able to openly communicate if you feel let down and vulnerable in this instance? What is his response to your feelings?

I was married to someone with MH issues. If love could have solved the problems, it would have. In the end, I left him. I deserve to be happy too.

You aren't pulling him out of the pit, he's dragging you in with him.

This.

Depends what the mh struggles are.

There's mild anxiety and then there's ptsd flashbacks or schizophrenia.

Can he actually help or would it be unwise?

Having said that it's a nightmare looking after small children in your situation. Is there any other help you can get, family or otherwise?

I have my own mental health issues and I think your husband is behaving very badly here.

I would not put up with this. At all. YANBU.

I have had post natal depression as well as depression and just had to get on with it as dh had to work. I'm sorry he is struggling but he absolutely has to be a father before he is a patient. Time to step up or ship out. Kids can't wait.

He is absolutely taking the piss out of you...

He's on antidepressants, though I suspect there's something more. Both DC are neurodiverse, so there's a strong possibility he may be to. He's reluctant to do anything to get to the bottom of it, and is always vague about what the Dr has said or offered.

Everything he has done (gp & reduced hours) has been at my absolute insistence, and took close to 3 years to get him to agree to. He won't even engage with at home stuff that might help him (eg. I suggested he try hobbies or to go outside & exercise, but he apparently "has no time" in the 4 days off a week he has)

“You aren't pulling him out of the pit, he's dragging you in with him.”

This. It doesn’t sound as though whatever he’s done to help himself so far is enough and he needs to seek more help for the sake of your marriage and his kids, as well as himself. If that doesn’t help, you don’t need to keep yourself and your children in this situation because it sounds miserable for you all.

He doesn't seem to add anything to your life and is just one more child to look after. He could at least play a game with the DC or read to them or paint....
Also he doesn't seen to want to get better if he won't exercise or go out. Taking the piss...
You deserve better.

I think if someone is genuinely ill and knows that they are causing their partner harm and upset, they would go to the GP. If they need forcing to go are they really poorly?

Even if he is neurodiverse you have to demonstrate a level of functioning in a relationship that doesn't permanently piss off your partner.

It's supposed to be a partnership. Each couple will work this out differently but in general one person lying about on their arse the whole time leads inevitably to divorce.

i couldn’t deal with that. 5 years is a long time to carry everything on your shoulders. Sounds like he’s checked out permanently. We have a disabled son, some days are really really hard and I could easily just get into bed and shit the world out but I can’t and won’t.

Autistic burnout, anxiety and depression? That would be my guess based on having ND kids and all that's going on.
But it's too much for you to be expected to cope with everything. Can you agree a few chores he does each day and slowly build up from there? He's not going to change overnight though so it depends if you're prepared for the long haul.

'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.'

You're going to have to change your behaviour if you want to see any change in his. Always been supportive? Change to being demanding. Always been patient? Change to being impatient. Always silently picked up his slack? Change to telling him he needs to get his finger out.

You are currently incapacitated and you've made no mention of your husband being blind, so he knows this. You are in the perfect scenario to demand he steps up. I'd start by crutching myself into the bedroom and telling him to get the fuck up and see to the children while you rest your ankle. No excuses accepted.

I have a neurological disability and a small handful of autoimmune conditions and I can tell you that your DH is taking the absolute piss. It's half term and I took DCs on an outing yesterday, no I didn't feel like it, yes I would've preferred to stay in bed. But I popped a propranolol and got on with it.

When I'm really ill, either physically because of flare or mentally because of autism I am still physically present for my children as much as possible. I would have to be feverish and very very frail to stay in bed all day. Even on my bad days I can prop myself up on the sofa, fetch snacks and look at books or watch a film with DCs.

He has to learn how to be a parent from scratch by the sound of it, and his prognosis ain't great.

Slightly off tangent OP, but has he ever thanked you for carrying the load at home? Acknowledged how all this might affect you? Asked if you need a break or suggested you doing something for yourself?

In your current circumstances, I would spell out to him that you are incapacitated, and tell him he will need to start doing x,y & z as you CAN'T. If he won't step up, do you have any friends or family that can offer any help to help you through the next several weeks?

Mental health issues can feel like physical health issues. Getting out of bed can feel impossible. BUT when you are a parent, you just have to. You might not be up to giving anything emotionally. But you have to do the things that need doing to keep the kids fed, safe and looked after.
Did you tell him he needed to do xyz because you couldn’t? There’s being supportive and then there’s enabling. You have every right to tell him he needs to do more while you can’t, in fact, once you’re better too xxx

That would be my guess too, but unlike the DC, who I can go to appointments for and organise suport, it's up to him as an adult to either get a diagnosis and what suport he can or not. He's has the capacity to access or refuse medical care, so there's not much more I can do to force the issue. Also, selfish as this may sound, I'm already a carer to two disabled DC and juggling all their school and medical appointments has me close to capacity without additional his, even if I could.

Absolutely do not manage his medical stuff OP, it's as you say, you have enough to do. If he's too unwell to get himself help to be functional then he needs to go elsewhere until he is able to be of practical help to you and your DC. You would honestly find it easier without him.

Just this!