To think DH just needs to get on with it?

[Namechanges85437854]

DH has mental health struggles, this has been ongoing for about 5 years. For 3 of those he more or less checked out if family life and I was left doing everything for then baby & toddler DC. 2 years ago, he finally accepted it was a problem and went to the gp, he now had medication & reduced his work to part time, but I still carry at least 75% of the load with housework and child care as he "can't cope" with the children and "needs down time". I'm trying to be understanding as healthy issues are no one's falt, but he is pretty difficult to live with a lot of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I had surgery on my ankle and currently can't put weight on it for another month. I can get around the house on crutches, but getting anything done is difficult and quite painful if I do to much. It's currently half-term and he's spent all day in bed, leaving me to deal with the kids. Yesterday he also left me to deal with them, but I had help from their grandparents, so wasn't as bad.

AIBU to think that even with MH struggles, he could push through for 6 weeks until I can walk again, or at least one week until the kids are back at school?

(If relevant, DC are 7&5 but have additional needs so work load of looking after them is more like with toddlers)

I’m the husband in this situation who needed some tough love after a breakdown when I was reluctant to get back to actually living a life again.

You can't do everything like that!! Looking after the house, kids while he sleeps. He might as well move out . You need to concentrate on you and the children.

i'm a single parent with a disabled child if I could have just use will power to get my shit together I would have.
Maybe don't think you are superior to others just because the mental health problems you had didn't make you fully unable to function. That doesn't mean that those who couldn't just pull themselves together just didn't try hard enough. Honestly what a weird point of view.
some people are seriously seriously unwell and it's ridiculous that you think your just tried harder than them and that's why you could do it.

Thank you to everyone who commented here, we've talked a lot and agreed that (formally) DH will be moving out once I'm back on my feet. TBH I think we both new it was a long time coming, so there's not even that much emotion behind it, just worry and practicalities really.

The house and all the bills and stuff are in my name anyway, as he's never had the capacity to deal with things like that, so that makes it pretty easy from my point of view, though he will have a steep learning curve. We recently moved a chunk of our (joint) savings over into his pension, so the asset split will be responsibly fair if we each walk away with what we have. I'll possibly also give him the bulk of our/my current savings for deposit/first months rent, furniture etc, in exchange for him not going after the equity in the house.

I probably will have to leave my job (I work nights, so won't have anyone in the house), but I've ran through the numbers and me & kids should get by on uc, DS's DLA & carers element.

Not really sure what to do about the kids & contact. I really don't think he will be able to care for them, so weekends with him are definitely out. He wants to come visit with me there, short term I'd be OK with that, but not sure if I'd want that long term.

His parents and wider family are lovely, so if possible I'd like the kids to keep seeing them, (especially if they have limited contact with their dad, I think it will be important for their sense of identity). As he is probably not going to be in a position to facilitate this, would it be wierd to reach out to PIL and arrange some kind of contact schedule with them? Possibly with stb-ExH seeing the kids there, but them been ultimately in the grandparents care? Do you think grandparents would agree to something like that?

Anything else I need to think about? My heads kind of all over the place

I am so impressed by you OP. No doubt it’s going to be hard but I hope you can at least feel some sort of relief.

I think the idea of the kids being supervised via grandparents is fair and probably safest in this situation - assuming the grandparents are relatively healthy and able to facilitate this etc? Do his parents know how depressed he is? I’d consider having a conversation with them to let them know. It’s not your job anymore but his parents may want to do some check ins with him to make sure he’s paying bills, eating food, keeping his new place clean.

It’s really sad to hear that he’s probably not in a position right now to look after the kids, they are very lucky to have you.

Well done @Namechanges85437854, you are clearly a very strong person, although it’s sad that you have had to be. I think asking the PILs to supervise contact sounds sensible in the circumstances.

As for using your savings to pay for his deposit, don’t leave yourself destitute as you will now have pretty much sole care of the children and need to make sure you have a safety net should you need it.

I’m sorry that the relationship has gone to an end - it’s always sad when this happens, but I can see it’s for the best. You’ll have one less person depending on you and this will hugely benefit you and the children, both physically and mentally.

if you have a good relationship with the in-laws , then there’s no reason for this to end. They may be upset that you’re no longer supporting and looking after ex, but maybe selfishly, because now they’ll have to.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately I really don't think he will be able to care for the kids, I'm not even confident he can look after himself, which is a big factor in why I let things go on so long. He needs prompting to eat/go to bed/shower etc, and wouldn't think to do these things for the kids either. He's also never paid bills or had to budget, so will probably need a lot of suport from someone to sort all that stuff out.

We already have plans to see his parents this weekend (he may or may not come, but me & kids will see them either way) so hopefully I can have a talk with them then. They know he's been depressed, but before I got hurt, I think he hid a lot from them. The last few weeks when I've had to ask them for help has probably been worryingly eye opening for them.

My main priority is keeping the family home, as the DC need the consistency. It's in my name but as we're married he could have a claim on the equity, and force the sale if things become nasty or desperate. The few thousand in accessible savings would still leave me with a good deal, without putting him on the streets.

I haven’t read all the replies but I saw you mentioning he might be neurodivergent. It’s possibly he is in autistic/adhd burnout. Or he can’t cope and is shutting down temporarily.
He should perhaps see a neurodivergent therapist and work on ways that he and you can communicate, help when he can etc. It’s totally up to you whether you want to carry on like this as no one would blame you for leaving. At the moment it’s like you are taking care of three (or is two?) neurodivergent children. Obviously, it must be hard for you. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. Good luck!

5 years is a long long temporarily. The op cannot cope with two dc with additional needs and care for him also, she’s made the right decision.

"His parents and wider family are lovely, so if possible I'd like the kids to keep seeing them, (especially if they have limited contact with their dad, I think it will be important for their sense of identity). As he is probably not going to be in a position to facilitate this, would it be wierd to reach out to PIL and arrange some kind of contact schedule with them? Possibly with stb-ExH seeing the kids there, but them been ultimately in the grandparents care? Do you think grandparents would agree to something like that?"
If they're lovely, they very likely will agree. As a mother I'd be keen for my children to maintain their relationship with their grandparents, and as a grandmother I'd want to maintain my relationship with my grandchildren - and I'd be grateful that my daughter-in-law wanted that too.

You've posted that your husband "will have a steep learning curve" in being an independent adult. I'd definitely be raising that with your PIL when on your visit this weekend, and yes, give them the details - that he "needs prompting to eat/go to bed/shower etc, and wouldn't think to do these things for the kids either. He's also never paid bills or had to budget, so will probably need a lot of suport from someone to sort all that stuff out." You cannot continue to do all that for him, it will burn you out. Hopefully when they know the extent, they will step in with support. Do they have room to house him, for example?

We have a 7yo who is diagnosed autistic, and attends a special school. We also have a 4 (nearly 5) year old, who is under a pediatrician and on the assessment pathway. It's not certain that the youngest is autistic, but both me, her school (nursery class) and pediatrician think it's likely she will be diagnosed. I've been suggesting to him that he pursue a diagnosis for himself since the eldest started showing traits, as they have a lot of similar struggles. Unfortunately he has decided not to, and as an adult it's up to him.

@Namechanges85437854 The above poster has given excellent advice going forward with your PIL. You need to tell them how bad he is, in terms of looking after himself etc. so that they are aware.

And as @WhereYouLeftIt says, you cannot continue to do it all for him (because you are sorry for him and still care) or you will burn out

Just an update

I had quite a long chat with FIL over the weekend, and me and him agreed that the best cause of action will be stb-exH going to live with them, as he can neither look after himself or (in all liklihood) fund himself. I still can't walk for another 3 weeks and they're away on holiday soon anyway, so probably looking at this happening beginning of July.

Haven't really had a chance to all sit down and discuss the details, due to a combination of kids being around and H doing everything he can to avoid having the conversation, but I've given everyone a heads up, they'll have to either pin him down to plan it, or pick up the piece when he turns up there next month (he doesn't reasonably have anywhere else to go, so I'm pretty confident that's where he'll go, even if he's currently in denial)

Unfortunately that will make my hope of been able to send the kids to them for odd weekends difficult, as they only have one spare room, which he will be occupying. I'll still meet them for day visits, as we do now, so I'm sure the kids will be fine but it will mean no breaks for me for the foreseeable.

The problem is that women always seem to push through with my struggles and do as much as they possibly can parenting wise, but men often seem to think of them as a complete reason to prioritise only themselves and check out entirely.

You rarely see a Mum doing absolutely nothing childcare wise for these reasons, unless the mh problem is hugely severe.

Sorry, can you elaborate?

Same here.
left after 30 years of marriage, the last 20 of which he had mental illness. I stayed because he was getting help and taking treatments, but it never improved . I was sole breadwinner, parent, house keeper and eventually carer. I became ill.

I divorced when he stopped taking meds.
should have done it sooner

@Sprogonthetyne posted on wrong thread. I've reported my post
apologies to OP

Hope OP is ok now.

Amen!

Amen.

Getting by! I can walk now, not as fast or far, but enough to do what I need.

It's just been me and the kids for the last few weeks, and it's been fine. Bedtime is pretty stressful (neither can be left alone, so it's both together), but it's always been tricky in our house so not that much worse. The rest of the days probably easier without him around, as I know what needs doing and can just get on with it, instead of finding out last minute he hasn't done something he said he would/had.

Before he left we had agreed that if he can take a couple of months to work on himself and get past any burnout, then I'd be open to him coming back, but as time goes, I'm not so sure. With a bit of space it's easier to see how awful it's had got and I definitely don't want to go back to that, so worried if we were to try again things will be bit better for a bit, then slip back.

OP, so many women bitterly regret allowing partners that didn't pull their weight to return, finding it was a massive mistake that caused confusion for the children and made the decision more difficult.

It took huge bravery to get him to leave. Please don't be hoodwinked into allowing him to return.
He has allowed you to be burnt out without a second thought.
His behaviour around your surgery is disgraceful.
You are better off alone than taking a chance on him again.
Move forward, not backwards.