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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH just needs to get on with it?

100 replies

Namechanges85437854 · 28/05/2024 16:42

DH has mental health struggles, this has been ongoing for about 5 years. For 3 of those he more or less checked out if family life and I was left doing everything for then baby & toddler DC. 2 years ago, he finally accepted it was a problem and went to the gp, he now had medication & reduced his work to part time, but I still carry at least 75% of the load with housework and child care as he "can't cope" with the children and "needs down time". I'm trying to be understanding as healthy issues are no one's falt, but he is pretty difficult to live with a lot of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I had surgery on my ankle and currently can't put weight on it for another month. I can get around the house on crutches, but getting anything done is difficult and quite painful if I do to much. It's currently half-term and he's spent all day in bed, leaving me to deal with the kids. Yesterday he also left me to deal with them, but I had help from their grandparents, so wasn't as bad.

AIBU to think that even with MH struggles, he could push through for 6 weeks until I can walk again, or at least one week until the kids are back at school?

(If relevant, DC are 7&5 but have additional needs so work load of looking after them is more like with toddlers)

OP posts:
Chickenuggetsticks · 28/05/2024 18:15

I had very severe PND and felt like I couldn’t cope with my baby, but you know what I just did. Every day was difficult but I did it. He’s taking the piss. Ask him to move out for a bit, it may make your life easier.

AnnaMagnani · 28/05/2024 18:16

Having done autistic burnout too many times personally (and with hindsight having watched my parents do it too) it does happen but after a bit of space, you have a responsibility to do some adulting.

My last burnout resulted in my career going up in smoke. But when the dust settled we still needed to pay the mortgage so I had to get out of bed and adult. And DH, lovely as he is, was not going to do this for me.

Same as how it worked for my parents.

You can't forever be his parachute, it just isn't a viable marriage.

Loubelle70 · 28/05/2024 18:21

CPTSD, Bi polar, anxiety here. I was a single mum...how did i cope? Because i had to and no support whatsoever. Your husband is using it as an excuse...he has to have a med review and sees psychiatrist if HE wants to try and be productive...but tbh i wouldn't stay with him..you are doing what a single parent does. Cant cope with kids? Then he can move out.

bananaramaterry · 28/05/2024 18:25

MaryBethMayfair · 28/05/2024 16:49

I was married to someone with MH issues. If love could have solved the problems, it would have. In the end, I left him. I deserve to be happy too.

You aren't pulling him out of the pit, he's dragging you in with him.

This

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 28/05/2024 18:42

I have had periods of severe negative mental health but I've still had to take care of my DC, and it has actually helped enormously with my mental health because it's meant I've had to push myself to stay on an even keel for DC.

He's lucky he has you and all that you do for him and your children, and now that you need him, he should be stepping up to the plate. Doesn't say a lot about him as a partner and how much he appreciates you day to day, MH issues or not.

He's taking the piss...

(And ankles are no joke, once they're damaged they're rarely as strong again, please mind yourself and stay off it while you're healing).

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/05/2024 18:47

He's taking the mickey.

Lots of people suffer from mental or physical conditions (like those who have posted on here) but they recognise that, as an adult, sometimes you do just have to get on with it.

I suffer from a spinal issue - it's bloody painful and causes nerve pains in my hands/arms and at times, interrupts sleep. I'd love to stay in bed some days but I have to get up, go to work, engage in family life etc because that's the way it is.

I would honestly be considering whether it is worth you staying in this relationship.

In the meantime, can you get anyone to help? Can the grandparents come again/a friend/sibling?

MadeForThis · 28/05/2024 18:52

He needs to actively seek help. He's happy to leave it to you. You aren't happy.

Why does his needs come before everyone else?

LizzieBennett73 · 28/05/2024 19:06

Oh OP, he's taking the absolute piss here. Where is his support for you when you need it? Sounds like your marriage is a one way street.

Original poster
Namechanges85437854 · 28/05/2024 19:06

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/05/2024 18:47

He's taking the mickey.

Lots of people suffer from mental or physical conditions (like those who have posted on here) but they recognise that, as an adult, sometimes you do just have to get on with it.

I suffer from a spinal issue - it's bloody painful and causes nerve pains in my hands/arms and at times, interrupts sleep. I'd love to stay in bed some days but I have to get up, go to work, engage in family life etc because that's the way it is.

I would honestly be considering whether it is worth you staying in this relationship.

In the meantime, can you get anyone to help? Can the grandparents come again/a friend/sibling?

I've organised for different family and friends to come most of the week, today and Saturdaygone were the only days where we were relyingon him. It was his parents last weekend and also next, my mums coming over tomorrow & Friday and a friend of mine on Thursday. But neither set of GP live locally to us, so it's a pretty big ask. I've asked through desperation over half term, but it's not an option all the time.

It also doesn't feel right dragging family half was across the country when he's literally sat upstairs.

OP posts:
CharlotteRumpling · 28/05/2024 19:09

What do his parents say? Any child of mine who did this would get an earful from me.

Luddite26 · 28/05/2024 19:15

My ex husband had mental health problems which affected him working and engaging in family life. We were together 17 years where I dealt with everything. He didn't work for the last few years too ill.
When we split up his new lady must have worked miracles because he works full time for her,, drives her about does the garden and is ever so pleasant with her.

This won't help but I do feel for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2024 19:17

Get rid of this piss taking dead weight. You have enabled this shit for far too long. You have two children to care for, you don't need a third anymore.

TheCheeseThief · 28/05/2024 19:19

I would tell him TGTFO out of bed, he's not depressed he's just lazy.

PerfectForEloping · 28/05/2024 19:20

It’s sounds tough OP.

Depending on what’s going on with him, I don’t always think it’s possible to push through. A friend of mine had a mental health crisis a few years back and she absolutely couldn’t push through. She’s since been diagnosed as autistic. She almost lost her house, she did lose her business and her kids only stayed with her with a lot of help from friends and family. If she could have pushed in through for her kids, she would have. She didn’t have a partner to fall back on and even knowing that, she couldn’t do it.

I don’t know what you do though, as obviously it’s very hard on you too.

I hope things get better.

Navymamma · 28/05/2024 19:22

Luddite26 · 28/05/2024 19:15

My ex husband had mental health problems which affected him working and engaging in family life. We were together 17 years where I dealt with everything. He didn't work for the last few years too ill.
When we split up his new lady must have worked miracles because he works full time for her,, drives her about does the garden and is ever so pleasant with her.

This won't help but I do feel for you.

OP, your DH would get help if he wanted to. It is ludicrous that you have to ask GPs to travel and help when he is in the house. How does he explain himself to them?

On a different note, your current relationship and dynamic is not doing him any good either. He may well get better if you ask him to leave and work on himself elsewhere.

WomanMumLoverDaughterStepmumFriend · 28/05/2024 19:36

Just saying this in case someone hasn’t said it yet . You do not have to stay with him just because he has MH issues , you and the kids deserve a happy life and sometimes putting you and the children first needs to happen .

Zanatdy · 28/05/2024 19:45

Sorry but I wouldn’t be dragging grandparents over when he’s sitting upstairs. Sorry but you’re enabling him. He won’t ever change whilst you are doing that. You’ve supported him when he’s been unwell, and he’s not repaying the favour. I’d be walking

BlowDryRat · 28/05/2024 19:48

I couldn't put up with this. He's a crap husband and father and mental health struggles don't excuse him for that.

GingerPirate · 28/05/2024 19:54

MaryBethMayfair · 28/05/2024 16:49

I was married to someone with MH issues. If love could have solved the problems, it would have. In the end, I left him. I deserve to be happy too.

You aren't pulling him out of the pit, he's dragging you in with him.

He should be single.
Full stop.

StormingNorman · 28/05/2024 19:54

Drag him kicking and screaming out of his comfort zone. If he won’t help you, he needs to do his own laundry, make his own meals. You need to bugger off one day and leave him with the kids for an hour or two.

He needs to re-learn that he is capable of doing all these things.

GingerPirate · 28/05/2024 19:55

StormingNorman · 28/05/2024 19:54

Drag him kicking and screaming out of his comfort zone. If he won’t help you, he needs to do his own laundry, make his own meals. You need to bugger off one day and leave him with the kids for an hour or two.

He needs to re-learn that he is capable of doing all these things.

No.

OmuraWhale · 28/05/2024 19:57

Sorry OP but I think that to some extent you are enabling him.

Justcallmebebes · 28/05/2024 19:57

Zanatdy · 28/05/2024 19:45

Sorry but I wouldn’t be dragging grandparents over when he’s sitting upstairs. Sorry but you’re enabling him. He won’t ever change whilst you are doing that. You’ve supported him when he’s been unwell, and he’s not repaying the favour. I’d be walking

This. He is totally taking the piss and you are totally enabling him to do so. I'd have kicked his lazy arse out years ago

veryawkwardohno · 28/05/2024 20:01

I never understand and why on mumsnet there seems to be this idea that you can just will your way out of mental illness if you just try hard enough. Some mental health difficulties are very severe and pervasive and can make it impossible to function.
It isn't a choice, and not a case of just not trying hard enough.
however they doesn't mean that op has to stay with him, but it also doesn't mean he is a bad person for having mental health difficulties.

AmandaHoldensLips · 28/05/2024 20:01

I ended my marriage because DH claimed all the mental heath depression etc and I wasn't prepared to set myself on fire to keep him warm. Raising 2 babies without any practical input from him was the final straw.

Funnily enough, once I'd pulled the trigger and called time on the marriage, he started to claim all sorts of recovery blah blah.

No thanks. I was better off doing it all on my own (because I was doing that anyway). And I didn't have to pander to that shit any more.

Best decision I ever made.